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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

435 replies

HallieM93 · 07/12/2022 23:43

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

OP posts:
Blueeyedgirl21 · 08/12/2022 01:02

im trying to think of solutions that don’t involve you just binning it off …

but tbh I do agree I’d be tempted to just bin the whole lot off and have a nice relaxing day at home !

could you try sleeping with him in the bed? Even get a couple of bed rails off Facebook market place to make a sort of giant cot? Keep him up til he’s dropping at like 9/10pm then both of you just go to bed, you have a relaxing hour or two alone with a book whilst he drops off ? Or just sleep along with him? If he doesn’t sleep in a co-sleeping situation could you just sit with him with some soothing music or take a sensory light projector with you or something and see if he’ll doze ? You can also get something called a snooze shade (Google it) for the travel cot which is amazing it creates a dark enclosed space they can’t climb out of, and is quite nice when overstimulated sometimes our nephew goes in his to just have a little play.
There’s also something called a slumber pod my friend uses camping which creates a dark unstimulating space. Just ideas for the future maybe.

Geranium1984 · 08/12/2022 01:02

YANBU I'd just go for the day, could have his lunch nap there?
I'm doing similar. We used to stay at sil for 2 nights but this year I have a 2yo and a 6 week old baby. We are just going for the day as I think it'll be a nightmare even just packing everything we'll need!

Original poster
HallieM93 · 08/12/2022 01:03

Just to put to bed any weird speculation over whether my son has autism or not which isn’t the point of the thread I was just looking for advice and support about not staying overnight - NOT cancelling the whole day… we are in the process of diagnosis and of course I pray every day that he doesn’t face any challenges in life but it makes no difference to me or either side of our families if he is diagnosed - we’re going through the diagnosis / assessments for any therapies as early as possible and we are very lucky to have the financial means for me to be able to stay at home for a while with him whilst we go through that.

the only reason I even mentioned it is that I know there are other mums that might have been through this journey that could provide some advice on how to handle change of environments etc when you have a child so sensitive to change, routine and overstimulation.

thanks x

OP posts:
saraclara · 08/12/2022 01:03

I've no idea how at 20 months you'd know what neurological is or isn't,

In some children it's very evident much earlier even than that. This is my professional area of work (as well as later discovering that there was autism in the family).

OP's child is already in the assessment process. The fact that this has started unusually early, means that those professionals who've referred him must have seen very specific indicators at this point.

I'm not sure why you feel the need to deny OP's account in this regard.

ReallyDarling · 08/12/2022 01:05

My first kid was a potato at 20 months and you could have taken them anywhere. My second - though neurotypical - was much more alert and curious at this age and an overnighter would have been a pain. Throw autism into the mix and it's a no brainer. It's a temperament thing and not a parenting thing. You know your child OP and sound like a great mum! Agree with others saying your partner needs to step up. 'Go with the flow' comments miss the point.

Original poster
HallieM93 · 08/12/2022 01:06

saraclara · 08/12/2022 01:03

I've no idea how at 20 months you'd know what neurological is or isn't,

In some children it's very evident much earlier even than that. This is my professional area of work (as well as later discovering that there was autism in the family).

OP's child is already in the assessment process. The fact that this has started unusually early, means that those professionals who've referred him must have seen very specific indicators at this point.

I'm not sure why you feel the need to deny OP's account in this regard.

Thank you xx

OP posts:
deeperthanallroses · 08/12/2022 01:07

I think with a nd child it’s even more important that your husband is also able to parent him, for your sanity as the parenting is that much more intense, plus otherwise it sounds like he won’t get it. Can you at least start having him do nap and bedtimes once a week so you don’t have to be there? Then if you do go, you insist on sharing. And if you don’t, Christmas is often very stimulating anyway so it may be there’s extra parenting to do. But it sounds like the best way to get your dp on board is to make it their problem too.

Original poster
HallieM93 · 08/12/2022 01:09

Blueeyedgirl21 · 08/12/2022 01:02

im trying to think of solutions that don’t involve you just binning it off …

but tbh I do agree I’d be tempted to just bin the whole lot off and have a nice relaxing day at home !

could you try sleeping with him in the bed? Even get a couple of bed rails off Facebook market place to make a sort of giant cot? Keep him up til he’s dropping at like 9/10pm then both of you just go to bed, you have a relaxing hour or two alone with a book whilst he drops off ? Or just sleep along with him? If he doesn’t sleep in a co-sleeping situation could you just sit with him with some soothing music or take a sensory light projector with you or something and see if he’ll doze ? You can also get something called a snooze shade (Google it) for the travel cot which is amazing it creates a dark enclosed space they can’t climb out of, and is quite nice when overstimulated sometimes our nephew goes in his to just have a little play.
There’s also something called a slumber pod my friend uses camping which creates a dark unstimulating space. Just ideas for the future maybe.

These are all great tips thank you so much, I’m looking in Amazon as we speak!! 😃 xx

OP posts:
Blueeyedgirl21 · 08/12/2022 01:11

@HallieM93 as well as the slumber pod and snooze shade there’s ‘pop up sensory dens’ on Amazon I think my friend bought one for her girls to just play in not ND but nice with lights in etc !

also there’s quite a few people with YouTube channels/instagrams with autistic or neurodiverse kids who vlog about travel, sleeping in hotels, camping, staying with family… if you search ‘autistic kids and travel’ or something you’ll find a few. A lot are American but still helpful maybe

toomuchlaundry · 08/12/2022 01:16

If they are only 40 minutes away why do you need to stay overnight. If they are understanding GPs they will understand if you want to try and reduce stress for your toddler. I assume if they are not understanding GPs you may have battles ahead if your DS does have autism

Original poster
HallieM93 · 08/12/2022 01:18

Blueeyedgirl21 · 08/12/2022 01:11

@HallieM93 as well as the slumber pod and snooze shade there’s ‘pop up sensory dens’ on Amazon I think my friend bought one for her girls to just play in not ND but nice with lights in etc !

also there’s quite a few people with YouTube channels/instagrams with autistic or neurodiverse kids who vlog about travel, sleeping in hotels, camping, staying with family… if you search ‘autistic kids and travel’ or something you’ll find a few. A lot are American but still helpful maybe

I’m looking at things like this as the moment that would be perfect as he won’t sleep for more than an hour in the bed after battling with him to actually go to sleep, he just climbs off the bed repeats and looks for things to throw! 😂

hoping I can find something like this to enclose him into the cot but that is see through so I can take his sensory light and keep the room as similar to his bedroom as possible.

if I can find something like this for under £50 we can ask the in-laws for it as a Christmas present for him maybe if they do want us to stay that badly!!

thank you both for your advice so helpful xx

AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine
OP posts:
Blueeyedgirl21 · 08/12/2022 01:29

@HallieM93 can’t sleep as my baby is snuffling like mad so I’ve been perusing Google and found this website might be of use if not for Christmas then in the future.

www.littlehiccups.co.uk/travel-bed/

Blueeyedgirl21 · 08/12/2022 01:31

Just realised that’s website is only for Leeds based families I think. But they might have some insight on similar services near you if you wanted to ask them!

chaosmaker · 08/12/2022 01:39

It's only xmas, not worth disrupting his routine and overstimulating him for one day. There will be plenty more in future. If the in laws and partner sulk then they need to get a grip.

knitnerd90 · 08/12/2022 01:43

No, you can diagnose autism at 2. But I do think it's a bit of a leap from "a 20mo was unsettled at one visit without me" to talking about autistic children, and I have two. I really don't think there's sufficient information to make assumptions about his behaviour here.

LAMPS1 · 08/12/2022 01:43

Making proper adjustments for the sake of your child and his routine is good parenting, especially when ignoring his needs leads to lack of sleep for you and him. So you YANBU.
If possible, let your DH stay longer with his parents.

knitnerd90 · 08/12/2022 01:46

(oops - replied before I saw OP's later posts. All right, on page 2 I didn't have information. Still, even with my two, at that age I was absolutely still at the point of still learning what disruptions they could tolerate and which they couldn't. There's a delicate balance, I find, because you can also be too inflexible in not allowing any disruptions to routine, and children who have issues with this rigidity need very careful, small challenges. If they never get any, their rigidity can worsen, but pushing too far simply results in a meltdown.)

LBFseBrom · 08/12/2022 01:55

When your son stayed at your mother's house you were not with him which probably made him get up, etc. I remember mine stayed at my mum's for one night when he was two and he really fretted, kept saying, "Mummy and Daddy"; it upsets me to think of it now. My mother had him in her room and let him sleep with her after a while. He didn't sleep at either grandparent's house again until he was much older.

As your mother in law is only forty minutes away you could easily just go for the day. However if you are planning to stay there too, sleeping in the same room, he would probably be OK sleeping with you in your bed rather than the cot. Nice, cosy and secure.

I wouldn't worry about routine too much at his age and i don't know of any child who sticks to a routine at Christmas!

As for the autism, wait until you have your son assessed before giving him a label. He is still only a baby.

Original poster
HallieM93 · 08/12/2022 01:55

knitnerd90 · 08/12/2022 01:43

No, you can diagnose autism at 2. But I do think it's a bit of a leap from "a 20mo was unsettled at one visit without me" to talking about autistic children, and I have two. I really don't think there's sufficient information to make assumptions about his behaviour here.

That’s certainly not the reason he is being referred 😂

OP posts:
Happyhappyday · 08/12/2022 02:53

Im with you OP, we don’t think DC is neurodiverse but also does not do well with really busy situations and my parents (who are lovely) will literally say exactly the things that get her totally wound up. It ends up with her crying and behaving very badly and me and DH just feeling totally exhausted trying to manage her and my parents obliviously chatting over her. I think they think they are helping by acting like it’s not a big deal but it’s completely exhausting for us. DC, DH and I then don’t enjoy the family gathering. I think our needs trump my two parents who have a greater ability to be flexible so we tend to do what we want to. People with easier kids don’t get it and I don’t really care what their opinion is. Our DC does well with firm boundaries and my parents cheerfully ignore these with a predictable result.

RobinRobinMouse · 08/12/2022 03:09

40 mins is a short journey away. Stay the whole day, take pyjamas with you and put him in the car whenever you leave. Just leave out the staying the night bit.

parlourb · 08/12/2022 03:12

PixieLaLa · 07/12/2022 23:54

YANBU and surprised most think you are! It’s not like you are suggesting to cancel you can still visit and everyone spend time together on Christmas like you said afternoon/dinner then go home, I really don’t see the issue? 🤷‍♀️

This. It's your Christmas too why set your self up for a fall. Go, have a nice day go home everyone's happy.

Morph22010 · 08/12/2022 03:17

PollyPut · 08/12/2022 00:04

At some point he will crash out and sleep. It will be ok

Not necessarily, my Ds is autistic and luckily has always been a reasonable sleeper but I know a lot of other parents of autistic kids and the kids simply never crash out, they can survive on 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night, whereas parents cannot

Morph22010 · 08/12/2022 03:20

saraclara · 08/12/2022 00:08

You just get on with it. My inlaws lived 2.5 hours away so not staying over wasn't an option.

I'm sorry, but it's everyone else's Christmas as well as your toddler's. Keep him up until he crashes, let him sleep for as long as he needs in the morning.

Our kids soon adapted to all this . Sometimes it worked, sometimes it was hard. But you don't go changing everyone's Christmas plans because of a toddler's routine. It's what parenting at this age is. Sometimes it's a pain, but you and your DH need to tag team and be flexible.

Are your children all autistic as well?

Blocked · 08/12/2022 03:31

YANBU. I don't visit my family at all on Christmas Day. I really love them very much but I realised after the first year with a child that it's just better for some children to stay at home. It's a really long, tiring, overwhelming day for wee ones and my child isn't even ND but he couldn't do a full Christmas Day without being able to chill at home and have a nap.