AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

[HallieM93]

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

I fully appreciate this may be the case with most neurotypical toddlers, but my little boy really struggles with change, I’m trying to keep everyone happy and personally don’t think we need to stay over for everyone to have a lovely day and avoid a very overstimulated and upset child

I think it's absolutely fine. You'll still all celebrate together, but if it means less stress for you and your toddler, I'd do the same.
How is he at sleeping in a pushchair? That might be a good option for a nap - familiar and secure.

They only live 40 minutes away. You can still stay for the day and just head off before you think your son might be overwhelmed.

You're not cancelling the day, just not staying the night.

Why not go for dinner and leave DH there and come home for some festive peace?

I’d like nothing better than a child asleep in bed and sat with the Christmas lights!

One of mine was neuro diverse too. But when your wonderful inlaws live a distance away and you all enjoy time together, you find a way to manage it. And because we did, the more complex child eventually found her own routine for 'when we're at Grandma's'.

How about asking if you can keep it open then? Say that you'd love to stay, but that you're concerned that if he struggles and things become difficult, you don't want to spoil the evening and night's sleep for everyone else, so will take him home?

I have a child who wasn’t diagnosed with autism until age 9, but the sleep issues started from birth.

40 minutes away. Spend the night in your own home. visit during the day.

i would agree to pushing the visit longer than just the small window that completely not disrupting the routine would allow. Have a good night sleep the night before. Open presents at home and eat a good breakfast. Then head over to visit. Have Christmas Dinner with them. Possibly Agree to stay a bit later than you would for the regular bedtime, but not ridiculously so. Come prepared with lots of snacks and feed him when he needs to be fed and what he will actually eat, this can be one of the biggest stressors at these events. It won’t be a completely mellow day, but there will also be joyful moments. There will be fallout for the next couple of days, but you can plan for that. Don’t schedule anything. Just plan a couple of quiet, very low-key recovery days at home.

I get it OP I was difficult and alienating about my first son's routine. I think because I was tired, not getting so much sleep and like you, the one to have to deal with it. In hindsight I cringe a bit and think well...gee I could have been more gracious and flexible

It can be hard when your in it and we should acknowledge that everyone has a different personality/aptitude for these things. I'd encourage you to just go for it and let go of the routine thing for one night though

The thing is that very few 20 mth old toddlers are going to be easy or predictable especially during times of great excitement like Christmas. So I do think YABU to not even try. Why not give it a try and if it doesn’t work put him in the car and drive home. Is there a reason you can’t have him in bed with you for one night?

YANBU

Your toddler won’t remember being disrupted and the adults will remember, that’s true. But your toddler isn’t capable of understanding or regulating his feelings and the adults are. Therefore design a Christmas for your toddler that will keep him happy and stress free; the adults should be able to suck it up and be understanding.

If they don’t, maybe tell them that Christmas is for children and you’re not going to do a day for their benefit at your toddlers expense.

Happy to be corrected but I thought they didn't diagnose autism till 5?

You're wrong. Also a lack of diagnosis doesn't mean the signs aren't there. It's not like a switch is switched on on diagnosis day. The behaviour come before the diagnosis. Which is really obvious, surely?

You're wrong, but why did you feel the need to point that out?

OP, do what suits you at Xmas - don't over think.

However, please be careful if you aren't married - you would make yourself very vulnerable becoming a SAHM without financial protection via marriage.

I have NT children and I always did this. My children, my responsibility - good and bad. My in laws weren’t offering to get up in the night, offering to have disrupted sleep for 3/4/5 days after. I was the one who would have dealt with it, so I was the one who said no. They bitched about me behind my back, I’m sure of it. But if there’s one thing that having kids has taught me, it’s that the buck stops with me and DH on everything relating to my children (as it should) and that gives me rights and responsibilities.

As the DC grew older, I’d say by the time the youngest was 3/4yo, they were well enough sleep and toilet trained to cope with anything and now we have no problems doing whatever, wherever, whenever. I’ve no regrets.

I think its a good plan to go for a while and then come home when he shows signs of hitting the wall. But also, to help stop the bedtime acrobatics, have you tried either a toddler sleeping bag (put it on back to front to stop him unzipping it) or a cot tent

Let him stay awake until he crashes. It’s one day.

No you don't always 'Go with the flow.' The OP knows her child better than we do.

And yes, doesn't everyone want their child diagnosed with autism cos the labels are sooo cool and give you a get out clause for, like, everything

Yanbu. I think you're completely right to keep things as settled as possible. I also have an autistic pre schooler. He's mostly ok with changes to routine (and doesn't need naps anymore which really helps!) but he has massive sensory issues with pretty much everything. I'm just really open with family about it all and they are very understanding. We are having a big family meal on Christmas day but mil is being amazing and will set up another quieter room for DS and me where he can escape the noise and we can put his sensory tent in there. She is also going to cook all his safe foods (none of which are typical Christmas day foods) and has just been generally so accommodating and lovely about it all so that hopefully everyone can have a good time. Have a good chat with pil and be really honest - fingers crossed they will get it and be happy with the adjustments you need to make.

Can't he sleep in with you for one night?

I think 40 minutes away i'd go for the day and come home at night. 40 minutes is not far. My youngest was the same. Toture lol but everyone knew how bad it was, mine parents and inlaws lived 6 hours away so had no options but to stay over night. No one would travel to see us for Christmas. Saying that, it was very very painful but then as she got older she had her spaces at my parents and in laws - that she had her own routine there and felt comfortable.

Lol at it impacting "just one day" (hint it can upset things for days afterwards)

And I love the idea of "stay up til he crashes and let him sleep as long as he wants the next morning" - some people really just don't get it do they?! Some kids just don't sleep late, no matter how late they go to bed.

Mine both have ADHD and are sleep nightmares. They have NEVER in their lives caught up on sleep after a short night. Even now as preteens.

Wow, thank you for that. I’m just trying to do what’s best for my son with the support of the professionals and trying to balance my sons needs vs other family members. Your comment is just nasty

And I love the idea of "stay up til he crashes and let him sleep as long as he wants the next morning" - some people really just don't get it do they?! Some kids just don't sleep late, no matter how late they go to bed.

You're referring to me, and I know only too well that some don't sleep late. My point was that OP should forget the routine and let DS's body dictate when he goes to bed and gets up. If it's late, great. If it's not, then still the parents are working around him, rather than trying to maintain his normal schedule in a different environment.