AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

[HallieM93]

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

Guys...

CHECK THE DATE😂

ZOMBIE THREAD

Chances are that 10 months later the matter is resolved 🙄

This is such an unfair response, children with autism (or any neurodiversity) don’t just “adapt” to situations. It’s not poor parenting or poor behaviour.

If I were you OP, I think I’d have a chat with my in-laws and explain the situation that happened with your mum and the sleepover and say you’re worried no one will get any sleep and don’t want to make everyone grumpy and tired for Boxing Day, so you’re thinking you might just pop him home when he starts to get tired. But you’re happy to come back the next day. It may be better coming from your DH, so that’s worth a try too.

If DH “sulks” or insists you go, it’s definitely reasonable to let him know you expect to share the childcare on the day.

Its your Xmas as much as anyone else’s so make sure you get to enjoy it x

interesting to see this post pop up again! I have since left selfish DH, DS had an awful nights sleep as did we all, however I now have portage support thanks to his nursery and he is due his autism assessment next month! He receives 1:1 support in his nursery but despite all of that he is overcoming hurdles every day - there was a lot of media attention about this post last Christmas and surprisingly forgot to mention little ones needs. I’m very proud of how far we have come and I will stand by his needs regardless of criticism, we are looking forward to a wonderful Christmas despite being a single mum and I now drive so I can happily bring him home to sleep in his own bed after a lovely day with the family which is what I wanted last year - unfortunately EX DH prioritises his needs and drinking (taking after MIL) hence why we are not together anymore ! Thank you all for your support x

That’s a brilliant update. So glad you are happy. X

He might be fine. Toddlers change every month. If not, it's only one day. I think you should go.

Thanks for the update OP. Well done on how far you have come. I have a child with autism and ADHD and totally understand why you couldn't stay over. I hope you and your ds have a great Christmas this year.

Well done OP on your bravery.

Selfish men don't change.

Far better and easier to go it alone without them dragging you down.

Your little boy is so lucky to have such a great mum.

My DS turned to me last week and said he hates Christmas Day because everyone gets so stressed about it...

Do whatever is the least stressful option.

Your DS probably should be sleeping in some form of bed by now but a room full of breakables would be a disaster. We got ours a Ready Bed which worked really well and they come in two sizes. It's only going to work though if you can shut the door and have a relatively empty room to sleep in. So offer this as a possibility maybe? Doing two long car journeys on the same day might be tough on your DC otherwise. Or book a Travelodge nearby? If you think they'd cope with the journey the same day option is probably the best one though.

Don't feel your child has to make everyone else happy though. We used to find the food part so tricky we'd smuggle a bag of food options into the house. And mine is no contact so persuading family members not to hug a cute toddler or expect kisses was really difficult. Just be firm with them and not your child.

Well done for supporting your son and sorry your DH turned out to be a selfish ass.

Your post really resonated with me. DD is now 9 and diagnosed with ASD. It wasn't noticeable until she started school but I do remember one Christmas when she was about 3 when DH ended opening presents with her in the bedroom with grandparents watching over the baby monitor because the pressure was too much.

She still really struggles with how routines go out the window at Christmas time, and a few years ago we made the decision not to visit my parents for Christmas any more, they're 4 hours away and don't really have the right space.