AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

[HallieM93]

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

OP I totally get it, I was like this and in hindsight wish I had been more relaxed but easy to say now!!

You have options:

Change your plans
Your DH takes the lead
You let him off with the routine for a day
You co-sleep and sack off the travel cot

The last one is what I did with my eldest when we went anywhere. I'd snuggle up with her for naps and night time sleep then leave the room and keep an eye on her via a monitor. I'd then get in when I went to bed. You can't drink but you can have quality time with them.

Whilst routines are important and things may be hard, you do need some of the good times you'd have usually had. For what it's worth, we travelled a lot of my DD and slight changes in routine do mean a child can be a right nightmare. Friends all say the same with their kids and Christmas holidays.

I have read the thread but may have missed it - what is the reason why you would be staying overnight? For me a 40 minute drive is a no brainer to go back home to our own beds. Sure somebody has to stay sober to drive, but is that really such a big issue?

I'd also be happy to pick up GPs and take them both ways at that sort of a distance. Would having them come to you solve most of the issue here?

I'm sorry that you've had some unbelievably dim witted and harsh replies here. Whether or not your child turns out to have autism, he's a little boy who is struggling with some things, not a performing seal to keep grandparents and DH happy.

My son has ADHD and Autism, he is a terrible sleeper and loves routine.. but I'd personally give it a go!
We used to stick loosely to his routine on Christmas Day but let him take the lead. He slept in between my husband and I, I'd do the first few hours and then my husband would take over.
For us, there was going to be many times that he would have to sleep somewhere else.. he loves holidays and I wasn't going to forfeit those, for him and for us as a family.. so we just made sure we had a different but similar routine for when we was away from home, projector, books, music, sleeping arrangements etc.
I honestly think sometimes it can make things worse by being so rigid, he never had you there last time so you don't know how he will settle, try it once he might surprise you! My son is 8 now and loves sleeping at his grandparents houses! They're all really good with him and stick to what he likes and knows, but he settles really well and looks forward to having a sleepover with Granny and Pa!

Your child is either NT or you’re completely uneducated to the potential signs if you don’t have any idea “how you’d know”.

Thankfully, many of us do which is why so many children now benefit from early intervention.
What a ridiculous statement. Just because you’re incapable of spotting potential signs of ND, doesn’t mean everybody is. It can be very obvious by the time a child reaches 20 months.

I agree. You have every right to organize the day in the way that will be best for your own family.

I don’t know why I’m so horrified at the ignorance around autism on this thread but god some people have NO idea!

OP put you and your toddler first - good luck x

Hi Op, another mum here with experience of this though my son is now in his 30’s.

You know what’s best for your son, for all of you and I’d be going home to let him spend the night in his own bed.

Perhaps say to your husband ok, we’ll stay overnight but you’re in charge of anything sleep related. That’s not to say you’ll get much sleep either but it does mean you’re husband won’t be sleeping whilst you’re doing the night shift.

I've no idea how at 20 months you'd know what neurological is or isn't

I first told my friend I thought my son was autistic when he was 8 months old. And I was right. So away you go with your ridiculous comments and stick them up your jumper.

I am a great believer in routine but also think there are times when it has to be broken and think Christmas is one of them.

Can you not go to the in-laws as arranged but not stay overnight? As you are only 40 mins from home can you not just drive home at the end of the day? Most children will fall asleep in a car and then pop him into bed.

Also as soon as a child is climbing out of a cot it is time to transition to a bed.

You do what you feel is right and make sure you have your DH’s support. However I think your in laws will be quite hurt that you can’t make the effort to try.

How are people so sure ‘you can’t be diagnosed autistic at 20 months’ I work with SEND young adults and many were statemented by 2.5 / 3 years after a long process , there are even SEN nurseries and autism therapies for 2 year olds , portage services etc - yes sometimes people have autism where they mask and aren’t diagnosed until adulthood even but it is a SPECTRUM disorder and there’s different kinds of ways it affects people

also people saying it would ruin the in laws xmas etc, why because they want the token special day with their grandchild running around playing with gifts and being a delight until they’re packed off to bed at 7.30 to give everyone a rest. That fantasy might not work out in all families and the adults are responsible for getting over themselves and working with the child to
make sure everyone has a nice time. If they’re good grandparents they put the needs of the child first.

In what universe doesn’t Xmas disrupt routines? I’d say tough it out with alcohol and your DH to assist😁. I say this as one who roughed out the childhood years with one with ASD. Otherwise, you are dooming yourself to your house for a good decade at least, that’s no life and worse than the alternative of dealing with fallout short term.

My daughter has ADHD and at that age was a completely different kid depending on whether she had had enough sleep or not. I kept to the nap routine and turned down any invitations that would ha meant her missing a lot of sleep. The inlaws probably think I'm an inflexible, grumpy cow but they always thought my daughter was lovely and very well behaved as a toddler because they never saw her on her last nerve with no sleep. I have to say also, we all had our kids late ans DMIl is the youngest of 5 so like DHs oldest aunt and uncle were already un their late 80s when my kids were born. I don't think they would have enjoyed bringing a crying toddler into their Christmas celebrations, much as they might have felt obliged to invite us to everything.

For me a 40 minute drive is a no brainer to go back home to our own beds. Sure somebody has to stay sober to drive, but is that really such a big issue?

And this as well. 40mins is nothing so drive back and one keeps off the sauce or if sleeping over both have a tipple to assist with the angst of a disrupted routine.

YANBU. If your "D"P and your PIL were the types to help (for example, taking him for a walk so you could have a nap, helping resettle him during the night, taking turns to watch him while you eat your Christmas dinner in peace, doing some basic childproofing), then you'd probably feel differently about the visit. Unfortunately if you treat people like the hired help who are there purely to facilitate YOUR lovely, peaceful family Christmas, even if they don't get a break, you shouldn't be surprised if they vote with their feet and stay home.

Otherwise, you are dooming yourself to your house for a good decade at least, that’s no life and worse than the alternative of dealing with fallout short term

You do make a very good point here but and it’s an approach I used myself which is why I think my son adapted well to changes in routine. However, this situation is less than ideal as the travel cot doesn’t work for him. The op is also still quite new to all of this and she’s just needing to take her time finding her feet.

but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him.

Part of me wants to disagree with you because of this ^ and I would be careful of that attitude, but broadly I can't say I think you're wrong. The "it's only one night, let him stay up until he crashes" people are underestimating (or ignoring) how catastrophic that can be for routine and how long you could be picking up the pieces after. One night isn't worth it.

Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

But on this ^, if you do go, I would tell DH he needs to do the settling, you're not willing to stay over and be left to deal with it all.

Could you not go in the morning, though? Why does it have to be just an afternoon visit?

I would go with still attending for any planned meals, at the least on Christmas Day. So longer than a few hours, but without staying the night.

I can’t drive at the moment meaning my other half would have to drive and wouldn’t be able to drink, I think we have a solution though in that we’ll ask MIL to take all breakables out of her bedroom as he obsessively climbs on and off the bed and likes the throw things, and buy a bed rail to stop him rolling out when he does eventually fall asleep and he can co sleep with me x

We've always found overnight stays difficult particularly for dc3 although never been able to put our finger on why. We've limited it to 2 night max (eg at Xmas), one where possible. My family have not forgiven this and our relationship has suffered.

Now dc3 is 7 and lots more is coming out, he might well be ND.

I wish I had held my ground a bit more now and told my (controlling) family to belt up.

Summary - do what you think is right

One thing I've learned from 13 years of parenting - don't be a Christmas martyr. Never mind your child being disrupted, you're the one whose going to have a stressful day while everyone else chills out, having got their own way.
A disrupted, clingy toddler always just wants mum. Set your stall out now and do Christmas the way you want to...your husband's parents have had their children, their needs dont trump yours!
My nephew is autistic (diagnosed aged 2 as so severe, now aged 9) and my brother and sister in law have stayed home for the last three years on Christmas Day after several years of battling with him. It was no fun for anyone seeing his distress and seeing my brother and sister in law row.
My parents now pop in on Christmas morning and stay a short time which is better for everyone - life changes, we all have to adapt.
But your wants and needs as his mother should come first cos you're the one working hardest here, dealing day in day out with a toddler. Plus, we all know that women do the bulk of prep for Christmas. I'll be damned if I'm running round for weeks beforehand then not having the Christmas Day I want! They'll moan the first year, but then you've set your boundary and it gets easier. I shall be very firmly at home in Christmas Day enjoying time with my 13, 10 and 5 year old.

I am surprised at the votes. YANBU. Is it suspected your son has asd? As a parent of an autistic child I know routine is so important, if you feel like your son won't manage, don't do it. Especially if it will be you trying to settle him whilst the rest of the fam sit around drinking.

it is not like you wouldn't be seeing them at all. Why do you have to stay? How far away do they live?

my son is autistic and Christmas is already overwhelming without adding in overnight trips. He has stayed at my mums before (not at Christmas) and enjoyed the stay but the next day he's a nightmare because he's all out of his usual routine and different bedtimes and waking up times. I've had to put a stop to it!

the tiniest of things can throw any child's routine out, let alone a child with autism.

OP just remember that you deserve a good Christmas too.

The in-laws should come to you, your husband should agree to do half of everything when there, or you come back after a few hours.

You should not have to dread the day.

My kids aren’t autistic but I remember how a bad night could throw the whole week and it was not fun.

Look at options but if you can’t stay, you can’t stay. You should not have to have a rubbish time to satisfy others.

Honestly Op, after reading your last post you have a bigger problem with your partner than anything else.

i just know you’re going to be doing all the looking after even in the middle of the night whilst you’re partner enjoys Christmas at his parents and sleeps through the night because he’s had a drink.