AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

[HallieM93]

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

[Fergette]

People who don't have special needs kids, spirited kids who depend on routine do not get it. They don't until they live in your shoes. You know what your child can handle. If your partner sulks and insists on going, they can handle the fallout. If you do the sleepover, spread the misery, don't contain it yourself because your inlaws wanted the sleepover. Perhaps very grinchy of me to say but I had a hard manage toddler so I've been there done that. Me personally, I would say no and leave it at that. No on its own is an acceptable answer. Your partner has issues with it, you can hash it out with them but the family doesn't need an explanation why. Sorry, we can't make it is enough and if they think otherwise, too bad for them. You are not selfish for wanting less stress and more sleep for you and your child.

[OSTBear]

I've been working as a care aide for close to 13 years, and while you're not being totally unreasonable you are making a massive mistake.

1. That saying, "it takes a community to raise a child" applies double if not triple to neurodivergent kids. You will absolutely burn out if you try to handle everything yourself. Ask your in-laws how they feel about it before making a decision for them.
   
2. The kids is likely going to have trouble sleeping at your house too so this changes nothing.
   
3. Ask in-laws for help moving breakables out of the room and buy a couple sleeping mats from Walmart for under the cot.
   
4. Kind of the same as number 1, but you cannot, cannot, CANNOT, do this on your own. There are so many reasons for this, and if you're interested reach out, but chiefly you will burn yourself out. You need to accept help and community and work together with people. Giving up on nights alone? HUGE mistake. I've seen first hand what this does to mom's and it's awful. They develop PTSD and cannot bring themselves to relax for any amount of time that they're away from their kid.
   
   I know you have your kid's best interests at heart, but you should seriously reconsider this policy.

[MsSunny2022]

I'm a mom to a 16yo with an Autism diagnosis. I also work with these kids. I would start by saying that sticking to a schedule and routine is very important. You can teach him to be more flexible but it will take time. The good news is that you are getting an early diagnosis. The research shows the earlier, the better. If I were you, I would get a book on ABA for Parents. Even if he is not Autistic, it will help. I was where you are, it will be ok. I'm going to tell you that your Mama Bear is going to have to be engaged so you can fight for your son.

[Handygirl68]

As a grandmother who's granddaughter had autism I understand your reservations. BUT my granddaughter, age 8, was kept away because your trepidations for most of her life. She tragically died in a house fire this year and I can never get those few days of the year back. Please DO NOT rob your family of those percious memories!

[LBFseBrom]

That is sad, Handygirl and I am sorry your little granddaughter died so tragically.

People on this thread are forgetting the op's little boy is 20 months old - a baby. They are all very lively at that age, mischievous and getting into everything. That doesn't mean they are autistic!

However as the op doesn't live a very long drive away from the grandparents, there's no reason why they cannot go for the day. The little one will enjoy being up late and playing with whoever else is there and probably fall asleep on the way home.

[chaosmaker]

The question was about routine and whether it was worth messing it up for xmas. It's not.

[Yousee]

Oh my goodness, OP does not want to "rob anyone of precious memories" - they will all be either asleep and not remembering anything or wide awake and this will be the Christmas they remember they should have put the toddlers need for routine ahead of the dad's need for a drink.

[toomuchlaundry]

I’m not sure I would want to Christmas memories of a toddler screaming all night, when they could quite easily go home and sleep in their bed.

[TheYummyPatler]

@LBFseBrom

That is sad, Handygirl and I am sorry your little granddaughter died so tragically.

People on this thread are forgetting the op's little boy is 20 months old - a baby. They are all very lively at that age, mischievous and getting into everything. That doesn't mean they are autistic!

However as the op doesn't live a very long drive away from the grandparents, there's no reason why they cannot go for the day. The little one will enjoy being up late and playing with whoever else is there and probably fall asleep on the way home.

which part of developmental concerns raised so being assessed for autistic failed to register here.

it’s offensive to tell parents in this situation that ‘all children are a bit lively’.

Do you want to tell parents that they don’t need to feed their coeliac child GF alternatives to standard birthday cake because all children get overexcited at birthday parities and might feel sick after the excitement plus sugar? No big deal. They’ll have a great time.

[zingally]

It's one day. Toddlers have been having to fit in with the hustle and bustle of family life since time began. You're not the first person to have a toddler, and also not the first one to have one with maybe some additional needs. People expect toddlers to be a bit ott, and also anticipate him having some moments of drama. He won't remember this Christmas, but the family you shaft at the last moment will always remember feeling pushed away.

He'll likely be a lot more settled with you there anyway.

[BabyFour2023]

@zingally

It's one day. Toddlers have been having to fit in with the hustle and bustle of family life since time began. You're not the first person to have a toddler, and also not the first one to have one with maybe some additional needs. People expect toddlers to be a bit ott, and also anticipate him having some moments of drama. He won't remember this Christmas, but the family you shaft at the last moment will always remember feeling pushed away.

He'll likely be a lot more settled with you there anyway.

Tell me you have no knowledge or experience of parenting a child with ASD without telling me you have no knowledge or experience of parenting a child with ASD.

Your ignorance is laughable.

[toomuchlaundry]

And it’s not like OP is not seeing them for Christmas just making the visit slightly shorter

[Corinnaskye]

Hello! I know I'm late to see this post, but I hope that everything is going well now that Christmas is so close, and that your in-laws are not being unreasonable to your situation. I jumped on here to offer moral support if you are still having difficulty, because I also am a parent of an autistic child and have so many similar situations of family expecting us to suck it up and carry on with something they see as trivial. I am also my child's preferred parent. So even if my husband tries to help, it's probably still going to be me calming my child. It's hard going against the grain, but you're being a great mom advocating for your child. Your child will reap the benefits of this by being happier and feeling more secure. Keep doing what you do. The non-autistic adults can learn to adjust and get over their pride. Happy Holidays!

[HallieM93]

@zingally

It's one day. Toddlers have been having to fit in with the hustle and bustle of family life since time began. You're not the first person to have a toddler, and also not the first one to have one with maybe some additional needs. People expect toddlers to be a bit ott, and also anticipate him having some moments of drama. He won't remember this Christmas, but the family you shaft at the last moment will always remember feeling pushed away.

He'll likely be a lot more settled with you there anyway.

There is no ‘shafting’ going on, I was just looking for some advice as to how to navigate Christmas with my little boy, but thanks.

[HallieM93]

@Corinnaskye

Hello! I know I'm late to see this post, but I hope that everything is going well now that Christmas is so close, and that your in-laws are not being unreasonable to your situation. I jumped on here to offer moral support if you are still having difficulty, because I also am a parent of an autistic child and have so many similar situations of family expecting us to suck it up and carry on with something they see as trivial. I am also my child's preferred parent. So even if my husband tries to help, it's probably still going to be me calming my child. It's hard going against the grain, but you're being a great mom advocating for your child. Your child will reap the benefits of this by being happier and feeling more secure. Keep doing what you do. The non-autistic adults can learn to adjust and get over their pride. Happy Holidays!

@Corinnaskye thank you so much ❤️

[Blueeyedgirl21]

so much consideration for the poor old
family who will feel ‘shafted’ and ‘pushed away’ , more than for a toddler with additional needs, ridiculous really ! As usual all about making the family feel good than building real, mutually loving, understanding family relationships

[blondie7317823]

Ive been following the comments on this post and I can tell so many people have never worked with ASD children.

Your child is TWENTY months!!! This is not the time to be "teaching them to be flexible."

yes, you want to expose all children, especially neurodivergent children, to different social encounters.

BUT you have to do it in doses that are appropriate to their age.

For any child at that age, they are looking to their primary caregiver, which is obviously you, for help, encouragement, reinforcement that they are safe, etc.

if you're wound up and stressed out, they will feel that. No way around it.

and being the primary caregiver of a child, especially a neurodivergent child who is overwhelmed and over tired, is RIDICUOUSLY EXHAUSTING for the primary caregiver.

In reference to the comment about the grandmother who lost their granddaughter, I'm so extremely sorry for your loss. That's absolutely tragic and heartbreaking. Yes, every moment should be cherished.

A 4 solid hours of a happy and engaged toddler is so much more pleasant than and extra 2 hours with a child melting down and a primary caregiver on the verge of losing their shit. Is that really they way you want to end your day?!? Or spend the night and have it continue into the next morning!?!?!

Appreciate the times you have with your family, but be empathetic to the needs of others, especially young ones and their primary caregivers.

I feel like this is a huge problem in our society today. Everyone is focus on their needs and not willing to see things from a other person's perspective and take their wants/needs/happiness into consideration.

my question for the OP's in-laws.... is it really going to make your day better knowing that you are making someone else's day harder!?!?

that's a really shitty thing to do to another person.

To the OP.... mama, you do you. The heck with the majority of people implying you're "wrong."

[mummyof2boys30]

With having a neuro diverse child you learn to put their needs over anyone elses. The amount of times we tried to please everyone else when he was younger and u ended up pacing in car parks or in different rooms to others. We spend the day at home, and DS will still take himself off to bed on christmas day to chill and remove himself from the chaos (hes 10). Do what works for you and your son

[HallieM93]

Hi All, hope you had a lovely Christmas! We managed to stay over night at the in-laws and my little one went to sleep at around 1AM inbetween my partner and I after a couple of hours of battling - he was very well behaved other than bed time.

However, we are still very much paying it back still with LO not sleeping before 11PM and screaming in his cot continuously anytime before then, despite waking him up early in the morning and bringing naps forward among a multitude of different tactics.

so to sum up my update, Christmas Day went better than expected and we really did have a lovely day - there were a few comments made by the in-laws that fed into my anxiety and pressure to stay over but we’ll ignore that, and we are still no where near back to routine so it definitely isn’t just ‘one day’

we will definitely be hosting Christmas in the future and sticking to routine as we are EXHAUSTED 😴😁

[MissMarplesbag]

Thanks for the update OP and glad you had a good Christmas.

thesleepcharity.org.uk/

The sleep charity have a section on SEND children, it's worth having a look for tips.

[Femke01]

Thank you for the update!
People think about your story all the way to here in Belgium :)
Very brave to stay over, sounds like a massive win in regards to your possible anxiety! good job!
About the not sleeping well after:
Maybe he likes sleeping in between you both.
Our son is 3,5 nog and we lay with him in his bed until he sleeps. He slept between us regularly until he was 2. Some children need/enjoy your closeness at bedtime. (I can enjoy this too since we found a routine that works)

[Ajandleo]

I know it’s been a long time since you posted this but I really wanted to comment. My child is autistic too. When he was a toddler he also could not sleep in any bed but his own. He couldn’t relax or calm down in any environment not familiar to him. If he was not in his own bed, even if I was there to help him all I could, he would stay up all night screaming. People don’t understand what it’s like. I’ve seen comments of people saying that he will eventually tire out and sleep, but I know from experience it isn’t like that. I genuinely think people just don’t understand if they haven’t had this happen, but I completely understand. I think an afternoon visit would have been just as lovely. Whatever you decided to do, I hope it worked out well for you and him. You were not unreasonable in my opinion and this really resonated with me. Keep up the good work!

[MJBmummy]

Put your child and their needs first - yanbu

[DilemmaDelilah]

I would have a chat with your MIL and tell her your worries about the disruption to everyone else, and ask her what she would prefer you to do. She may well suggest that you don't stay overnight on this occasion. If she says she is happy for you to stay, child-proof the room as much as you can, and get a pressure-fitting stair gate to put in the doorway so he can't get out of the room. You can get extra-high ones if you think he h but he able to climb over.

And share the load with your DH. Also if your child is too excited to sleep and not being too disruptive to everyone else, let the routine slip a little if that isn't going to make things impossible.

[Josell12345]

Cant u get him to sleep in a.bed with you and stick your husband on a blow up or something. Then you can take him off to bed without having to spoil the day or shorten the day?