AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

[HallieM93]

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

Did you say that from personal experience with your own autistic child or did you just base that on nothing?

My dd is autistic, diagnosed at 2. I was given good advice by her paediatrician to try to give her as varied experiences as possible and to resist being too strict in routine to avoid her being rigid. We also refused to compromise and use autism as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour. Every child is different but I was acutely aware she needed to learn to fit into our world because people will not change for her. She's an adult now, and yes life isn't without challenges but I did stick to the advice I was given even though it wasn't necessarily making my life easier.

Make sure you do what is right for you are well as for your son - yes he matters a lot but it's easy not to prioritise you and your husband's needs. Christmas is a time for everyone, so weigh it all up, breaking routine won't hurt but only if you can enjoy the day a bit, will in-laws help with your dc? Makes a difference

@LaDamaDeElche

I did deliberately ensure we stayed away quite a bit, my dd loved hotel rooms, called hotels keycards!

I think this is the crux - Christmas is for everyone. It seems that OP is the one dealing with the fallout from a change in routine. I have a DD with ADHD, although undiagnosed at that age, and she was completely overwhelmed at Xmas for quite a few years (we always travelled to family up north) and I was exhausted. One of the best ones we had was when the two of us stayed at home in London. I get that you have to continue with life etc, but I don't think it posters with NT children should be posting that the OP is unreasonable with absolutely no experience. As you and I both have ND children, we also know that everyone's ND child is different and every parent is different in their coping mechanisms.

@HallieM93 just to let you know you made the papers

YANBU! I am doing something similar this Christmas, visiting everyone at mid-day and having dinner at home and carrying on with usual nighttime routine. One night out of that and he becomes so hard to deal with. But...my MIL doesn't really care for any of her grandchildren so maybe it's a bit different.

Because journalists are cunts

I honestly can’t believe they have nothing better to write about, it’s all taken out of context

It's easy to copy and paste a few choice quotes and fuck up peoples Christmases rather than doing a proper job and reporting on actual news!

I hope it doesn't have any impact on your Christmas @HallieM93 x

I've no idea how at 20 months you'd know what neurological is or isn't

Presumably that is because you don't have experience of autism and the processes in assessment of autism then! There are clear indicators that professionals can identify at a very young age!!

Hallie I am glad you have things sorted for everyone including your son, for Xmas. Have a lovely time!

my little boy this, my little boy that, this is one painful post - it is one night of the entire year, the absolute drama of it; you'd be better off just staying at home with him and leave your husband enjoy himself with his family as you had yours last year.

I would just come home if they only live 40 minutes away.

who pissed on your cornflakes this morning?

What an idiot.

I don’t know what it’s like to have a possible autistic child and all children deal with stress differently.

what I would say is that they obviously want the family altogether and if they are a supportive family that understands the possible diagnosis then this may be an opportunity to explain and let them see it so that next time they can help join in and organise the day around your child. If you start stepping a way for their comfort now you’ll be doing it forever and personally i think your child shouldn’t need to be hidden.. explain beforehand and let them decide…. If they are hosting, give them the option but make it clear what you have to.

get DP onside first.

Haven't read the full thread, but is this referring to the same post?
It's the first time I've seen anything taken from Mumsnet in the media.

😂 I don’t know why you’re on mumsnet as you clearly don’t have children

It's worrying that even so called journalists seem unable to read what the OP actually said.

@raspberrytinsel I’m sure OP would probs prefer to stay at home where her child will actually be comfortable and go to sleep and she can tuck into some choc and wine and actually relax

In the past I’ve offered to do the same so my dp can spend time with his (very needy) family - it’s eat with horrified gasps that I wouldn’t be there to facilitate them all getting their ‘best auntie/uncle/whatever’ pics with the kids for the one day a year they bloody bother with them!! I think the Christmas of 2019 when I suggested coming home around 8pm and leaving them all to get one with it is still talked about in horrified whispers

I can’t believe all the nasty comments on here, you’re not cancelling you’re just changing plans after sleeping elsewhere went terribly, I can totally understand this. You must do what is best for you and your toddler, everyone saying he won’t remember but everyone else will is being ridiculous, they are grown adults who can surely cope! I hope your DH supports you enough that you can make this plan together as it sounds like you are taking sole responsibility for the sleep and general welfare of this kid. Diagnosis or not, many toddlers struggle with a day/night out of their routine and overstimulation so at only 40mins away it seems a very good plan (not to mention safer if he can climb out of his cot in a strange house that isn’t toddler proof!) to do the day only and come back for the night. They won’t see him at night anyway. And you could even go back the next day if you want to. Put your needs over theirs for once, sleep deprivation is torture so you need to think of yourself and your kid. Hope that helps. I have a toddler and have experienced sleep dep so I hear you!!! Xxx

This is really a question of who deserves to have a nice Christmas. You AND your family or just your in laws and husband the expense of yourself. Do what is best for you, and I highly recommend reading Michelle Elman's book on boundaries. If, as you predict, no-one is going to help with your son, you deserve a nice Christmas too. Why people still expect women to be martyrs in 2022 is beyond me. Go for the afternoon and don't even invite discussion from the husband and in laws. Merry Christmas xx

YANBU - many years ago, I told my hubby that I was taking over Christmas. It's one holiday a year. Only one. None of my kids were diagnosed with any special needs, I just got tired of saying "look what Santa brought you, but you can't touch it because if we don't visit your grandparents, their heads will explode". (not literally, but they got the idea)

My husband literally told me I was killing his mom and that dinner had to be at 1 or they would all starve. They never ate a big noon meal, so I don't see what the problem was. We ate at 3.

So, with some very loud discussion, I took over Christmas for the 15 years or so until I had grandkids. Then I told my kids to take it over. Why? I just never felt like it was the younger generations responsibility to run to Grandmas. If anything, they should show up at your place. My son invites me to his home. My daughter comes to my home. It's their choice. The older son shows up sometime between Christmas and New Years.

Now, my husband's parents lived two houses away and my mum lived 15 minutes away. Traveling could be a big factor in all your plans. But IMO, no child should be asked to leave their home during a time that is already stressful. Let them stay in a place they are comfortable and enjoy their day. And grandma and grandpa should suck it up. I know they want to see those early morning faces, so go to the kids' home. It's much easier for one or two people to travel than a family.

Not Unreasonable at all, it is only one day, the family can deal with you not being there first thing in the morning. It is a small price to pay for a peaceful afternoon for everyone involved.

www.emmasdiary.co.uk/lifestyle/celebrity-baby-news/december-2022/mum-called-selfish-boring-for-wanting-to-cancel-christmas-so-she-doesn-t-disturb-sons-routine

I'm having trouble understanding why it matters so much to the extended family where the child sleeps (or doesn't.) Lots of toddlers, including neurotypical, don't sleep well away from home. Loads of adults don't sleep well away from home, too. Plus all the trouble of packing and toting everything you need to sleep away. Why would anyone want to insist on having a cranky, crying, miserable child, and his equally miserable mum, in the house while everyone is sleeping- when they could have a happier, well rested child and mum most of the day instead?

YANBU
40 minutes is close. My daily commute to work is longer than that, in either direction.
Many parents I know get up very early in the morning, load the kids in the car (sometimes still in their pajamas) and are at the grandparents home by the time the household is just waking up. It's difficult, and may have some cranky kids or tantrums- but so much easier than trying to sleep over and all that entails.

OP, could your mother speak with your MIL, to explain how miserable your child was at her home? Coming from another person may help.

When he's older, and has an understanding of what's happening, will be soon enough to find ways to help him adapt.