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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

435 replies

HallieM93 · 07/12/2022 23:43

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

OP posts:
Snoops123 · 09/12/2022 20:02

waterrat · 08/12/2022 00:07

Hi. I have an autistic child and I completely understand you op. If people dont they are not properly understanding your situation

I have learnt to to say no to situations that will overwhelm my child. That is sometimes diffocult for other people to understand.

Speak to your in laws and explain that it will be miserable for you and your child if they are overwhelmed by the day and you are following his needs.

As the parent of a neurodiverse child you have a lifetimr ahead of people not understanding your childs needs so dont ever feel embarassed about putting them first

Exactly this 👍🏻

WTAFhappened123 · 09/12/2022 20:40

Have in-laws stay with you??

Montecarlolou · 09/12/2022 21:00

YABU. It's one night. Put up with it. He'll be too young to remember. Your MIL won't

toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2022 21:06

@Montecarlolou and MIL is an adult and can cope with their grandchild not staying at night. They live 40 minutes away it’s not like this is only the time they will ever see OP and her grandchild. The MIL may not forget it when the child cries all night because they are not in their safe space ie their own bed at home

stayathomer · 09/12/2022 22:04

I don’t want to let anyone down and want everyone to get to enjoy time with him but I just think an afternoon visit can be just as special?
Actually I don’t think at Christmas it’s at all the same. The thing at Christmas is the sitting down, chatting, perhaps board games, definitely Christmas telly, perhaps drink, with your extended family. It’s late into the night and yes, that generally means the other parent sucks it up and does the bed time thing, which is awful, but we always did it because I didn’t get to see my parents as much as his over the year. But honestly to each their own, just that I can see why your dh and his family would be disappointed

Orangesatsuma · 09/12/2022 22:06

Yanbu, you’re the mum and know what’s best for you and your family!

Original poster
HallieM93 · 09/12/2022 22:16

I just want to say thank you so much for the supportive comments, this whole ‘autism’ thing is very new to me and I’m just trying to do what’s best for my little boy, he is different to a lot of children his age but in an amazing way - however it can be difficult to set boundaries that don’t cause long term havoc.

as mentioned a number of times I honestly don’t care if I don’t sleep a wink as long as he is ok, it’s not about me - it’s about my little boy. It’s not about my partner, or my parents in law or anyone else, just my son. Christmas is for Children.

my title to the post is potentially misleading and perhaps I should have given more background, I didn’t realise there would be any negative speculation around the autism assessments- I only mentioned it to provide some background in the hope there are other mums that have been through these situations and could provide some advice and I just want to say THANK YOU so much to those of you that have given me advice and shared your struggles in similar situations, as I said before it can be quite isolating and one of my biggest fears / vulnerabilities is the lack of understanding around my sons behaviours that I struggle with as a parent - when it’s just us I’m in his bubble and it’s perfect and we go to the places he enjoys and isn’t overwhelmed and we try out as many new things as we can and we follow his lead.

Christmas is of course more challenging as there are other people involved and I want to consider everyone and make sure that we all have a good Christmas so just to say thank you to the fantastic support I’ve had and all I’ll say to the weird and unexpected negativity is that I hope you never are in my shoes and have to experience the feeling of worry when neurodiversity is suggested - it’s a whole new world that we’re entering as parents and I just want to be the best mum I can be and ensure that my little boy remains as happy as he is when he’s in his bubble for the rest of his life x

OP posts:
stayathomer · 09/12/2022 22:19

Hugs op, have a lovely Christmas either way, people don’t say this as much on mn any more, but you sound lovely. Make sure you have a lovely time over Christmas too (sorry am using the word ‘lovely’ so much, just half asleep but felt the need to comment)

Snoops123 · 09/12/2022 22:29

I’m in the same boat - your doing a great job though.
I did just feel a real wave of irritation on your behalf though when I saw your post mentioned in the media - they completely omitted the autism aspect, that is obviously the most relevant point to your post, and have just made it out to you not wanting to mess with the routine for your own sake.
If people knew the upset it can cause, I feel they would be a little more sympathetic to you rather than just telling you to ‘get on with it’.
Hope you Have a lovely Christmas xxx

Original poster
HallieM93 · 09/12/2022 23:13

@Snoops123 @stayathomer thank you both so much and have a wonderful Christmas 🎄 despite the negativity which I can’t explain how unexpected it was - I can’t wait to see my little boy on Christmas Day and we will find a way to muddle through that works for everyone x

OP posts:
Mamanyt · 10/12/2022 00:45

Tip from one who is (thankfully) long past it all. He's going to be excited, and overstimulated on Christmas Day, regardless of where you have it. And, as has been mentioned before, it is only one day.

AliensToTheLeft · 10/12/2022 04:13

Montecarlolou · 09/12/2022 21:00

YABU. It's one night. Put up with it. He'll be too young to remember. Your MIL won't

🙄 The ignorance and stupidity is real.

AliensToTheLeft · 10/12/2022 04:17

Snoops123 · 09/12/2022 20:02

Exactly this 👍🏻

Show quote history

This.

But people can understand. They choose not to because they don’t want to have to change their thinking or their ways of doing things. They’re selfish.

excitednerves · 10/12/2022 04:52

OP my (autistic) son was the same at 20 months. I had the worst Christmas ever going to my parents with him and I had a 4 week old baby too. I just remember all 3 of us crying a lot!

I would go for the day - don’t even do presents in the morning if that helps. We don’t wrap our presents for DS and we bring them out slowly during the day as a big pile is too overwhelming for him. Take loads of snacks and whatever he will eat (chicken nuggets and peanut butter sandwiches in our case) and just make sure he is ok. Take him out for walks round the block, or into a quiet room if you need to get some breaks during the day. Will there be other family there too? Or just your PIL?

then I’d go home around his normal bedtime.

You can make it work for a day, but we just have my parents come to us for Christmas Day now as it’s easier for everyone. I know the kids are safe and baby proofed. DS is much more relaxed and my parents get to see the kids enjoy Christmas - and they don’t have to cook!

Don’t listen to what anyone is saying about not knowing he’s autistic at 20 months. We started getting referrals around 18 months and he’s now 3 and in a specialist ASD playgroup. He’ll have his SEN statement before he even starts preschool. Good luck OP

excitednerves · 10/12/2022 05:10

Sorry OP I’ve just read that you plan to stay over 🙈 good luck!

Also OP you sound like you’re doing a wonderful job. It’s not easy. I didn’t really know anything about autism before I had DS and it’s all learning as you go. What works for one child won’t work for another so you have to find your own path and your own boundaries. You’re doing great from what I can tell x

LaDamaDeElche · 10/12/2022 07:46

HallieM93 · 09/12/2022 22:16

I just want to say thank you so much for the supportive comments, this whole ‘autism’ thing is very new to me and I’m just trying to do what’s best for my little boy, he is different to a lot of children his age but in an amazing way - however it can be difficult to set boundaries that don’t cause long term havoc.

as mentioned a number of times I honestly don’t care if I don’t sleep a wink as long as he is ok, it’s not about me - it’s about my little boy. It’s not about my partner, or my parents in law or anyone else, just my son. Christmas is for Children.

my title to the post is potentially misleading and perhaps I should have given more background, I didn’t realise there would be any negative speculation around the autism assessments- I only mentioned it to provide some background in the hope there are other mums that have been through these situations and could provide some advice and I just want to say THANK YOU so much to those of you that have given me advice and shared your struggles in similar situations, as I said before it can be quite isolating and one of my biggest fears / vulnerabilities is the lack of understanding around my sons behaviours that I struggle with as a parent - when it’s just us I’m in his bubble and it’s perfect and we go to the places he enjoys and isn’t overwhelmed and we try out as many new things as we can and we follow his lead.

Christmas is of course more challenging as there are other people involved and I want to consider everyone and make sure that we all have a good Christmas so just to say thank you to the fantastic support I’ve had and all I’ll say to the weird and unexpected negativity is that I hope you never are in my shoes and have to experience the feeling of worry when neurodiversity is suggested - it’s a whole new world that we’re entering as parents and I just want to be the best mum I can be and ensure that my little boy remains as happy as he is when he’s in his bubble for the rest of his life x

You sound like you're doing a fantastic job. MN can be a horrible place for people with ND children. I hope it comes from a place of ignorance rather than something much worse. The majority of threads like yours have the same nasty and unnecessary comments showing a complete lack of understanding or empathy. There's another one going now where poor OP is getting her arse handed to her on a plate because she wants to fit working around her four year old who is in the process of an ADHD diagnosis. Apparently her husband can't possible be expected to look after the child in the evenings and a few hours at weekends to accommodate this the poor dear has been working himself to the bone in a 9-5 (🙄)while the OP has been at home having a jolly old time bringing up her challenging child. Good luck with everything and I hope Xmas goes ok. In future, there are other topics you can post under on MN to avoid the kind of comments you've had to endure in this thread.

chocolatemademefat · 10/12/2022 07:54

Do what works for your child. You’re still intending to go - just for a shorter visit so they’ll get to see him at Christmas. His well-being comes before a few adults.

Eowyn78 · 10/12/2022 08:07

Just talk to your hubby and your in-laws about your concerns and work out a solution together.

longcoffeebreak · 10/12/2022 09:01

I have an autistic child and at that age he was absolutely impossible.

I had to have locks on the inside of the house to stop him escaping and he was constantly trying to climb the bookshelves etc. I was all over the place with the stress and trying to keep on top of it plus
look after another toddler.

I think people who are saying just get on with it have NO IDEA what having a child who is not responsive to the usual distraction and soothing techniques is like.

Acronymsandinitialisms · 10/12/2022 10:01

OP, I've learnt only to talk about my son's behaviour with other ND/SN parents and people. Other people just don't get it. There are almost certainly local groups you can join to find parents who understand.

LaDamaDeElche · 10/12/2022 10:06

longcoffeebreak · 10/12/2022 09:01

I have an autistic child and at that age he was absolutely impossible.

I had to have locks on the inside of the house to stop him escaping and he was constantly trying to climb the bookshelves etc. I was all over the place with the stress and trying to keep on top of it plus
look after another toddler.

I think people who are saying just get on with it have NO IDEA what having a child who is not responsive to the usual distraction and soothing techniques is like.

This in spades!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/12/2022 11:04

chocolatemademefat · 10/12/2022 07:54

Do what works for your child. You’re still intending to go - just for a shorter visit so they’ll get to see him at Christmas. His well-being comes before a few adults.

This.
Saw your update and just wanted to say that you sound like a kind and caring mum, doing your best. I hope you are able to get your DH to understand the issues and back you up and help you to explain to the in-laws so that it comes with full commitment from both of you and it's not just all on you. Hopefully that way they will understand, and if they don't I hope he backs you up to continue with your very reasonable plan of a shorter visit. Wishing you and your little family a very happy Christmas.

MrsThimbles · 10/12/2022 11:16

Lcb123 · 09/12/2022 11:21

YABU-surely if he struggles with being away, best to do it more often so he can get used to it.

doing that is not as simple as suggesting it.

wentworthinmate · 10/12/2022 11:22

YANBU. I agree with your new plans. Do it.

sue20 · 10/12/2022 12:31

Why do you need to stay overnight? Are you reliant on public transport? I don’t see necessity of overnight if such a short travel. But also neuro divergent or not if he has this behaviour you need to work it so that you have a good time.