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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

435 replies

HallieM93 · 07/12/2022 23:43

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2022 18:01

@Tessabelle74 did you miss the bit that they are waiting for an assessment due to a number of factors with his development, not just his sleeping.

Betty65 · 09/12/2022 18:04

He’s 20 months old… so now is the time to get him accustomed to a different environment… if you don’t then it will be even more tricky going forward. Forget the Autism thing till you know for sure … Likelihood is that he didn’t settle because you weren’t there.

angela99999 · 09/12/2022 18:04

Have read more now. 40 minutes drive is nothing, it makes far more sense to make a short visit and then drive home. Your DH can drink after he gets home, it's hardly the end of the world if his parents would like you to visit.

Taxanimal · 09/12/2022 18:04

I’d say go for as long as you want, never mind the routine then some time after toddler crashes, drive home and enjoy the rest of the evening in your own home with a few drinks. Win win win.

Hmm1234 · 09/12/2022 18:10

You are not being unreasonable! Currently in the same dilemma with Xmas at my mothers. No point in having a grumpy overwhelmed mummy on the day. Could your partner go down to his parents earlier and you make other travel arrangements on the day!?

Tessabelle74 · 09/12/2022 18:10

@toomuchlaundry didn't miss them, just stating that it's difficult to get a diagnosis at that age. The brain is still very underdeveloped at 3, so even then it's tricky to get a definitive diagnosis which is when most referrals are made so at 20 months it's unlikely to happen. Being referred means nothing.

girlmom21 · 09/12/2022 18:11

Taxanimal · 09/12/2022 18:04

I’d say go for as long as you want, never mind the routine then some time after toddler crashes, drive home and enjoy the rest of the evening in your own home with a few drinks. Win win win.

Literally none of that sounds like a win for anyone in OP's situation

SpicyFoodRocks · 09/12/2022 18:13

Betty65 · 09/12/2022 18:04

He’s 20 months old… so now is the time to get him accustomed to a different environment… if you don’t then it will be even more tricky going forward. Forget the Autism thing till you know for sure … Likelihood is that he didn’t settle because you weren’t there.

‘Forget the Autism thing‘

There you go, OP. Forget the autism thing! Sorted 👍

AlwaysFullOfQuestions22 · 09/12/2022 18:14

Yabu.

1onway1under12and1over18 · 09/12/2022 18:15

DO NOT LISTEN TO A SINGLE PERSON TELLING YOU ITS JUST ONE DAY. They have no understanding of SEN. As your child ages his tiredness from change of routine will last more than one day, it will take you days to get back to square one and he will be mentally & physically drained. Than there’s your own exhaustion. You’re not suggesting cancelling, do as you say, go and visit between his naps. Assuming by this that means they are nearby - can they come to you when you return home - if it really is necessary to extend the visit beyond a few hours.

toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2022 18:16

@SpicyFoodRocks so glad it is so easy to do that!

DemelzaandRoss · 09/12/2022 18:30

YABU. Nothing else to add.

toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2022 18:31

@DemelzaandRoss that’s helpful. So is OP being UR to leave early or UR to stay, which she is now planning?

Btljalrrl08 · 09/12/2022 18:50

Initially I was going to say YABU as it’s Christmas Day and all routines get thrown out but having read your full message I would say YANBU.I work with young adults on the severe end of the spectrum, so I fully understand the over stimulation and change of routine and how that can affect behaviour for days afterwards. You do what you need to do for your family.
Unfortunately you will always find people that just don’t get it and say just do this and just do that. Like the ones saying that you can skip the nap and just let him crash when he crashes don’t understand that some people on the spectrum can manage on 1-2 hours sleep daily so this probably just wouldnt happen. just the slightest little change in routine or familiarity can cause major distress and anxiety. So many of the people I work with hate Christmas as everything changes and there is a lot more music around, generally played louder, different smells, sights and sounds. Sensory overload is massive. Some absolutely love it though, it’s all individual.
One thing I will recommend is not pushing him to open all his presents on Christmas/Boxing Day. I would spread them out with 2-3 a day and maybe invest in a sensory blackout tent where he can take himself off to decompress and re-regulate himself. These are good with a cushion and a blanket and maybe some sensory/fairy lights.
Something like this:
Sensory Tent | Calm Down Tent For Children To Play And Relax | Sensory Corner | Helps With Autism, SPD, Anxiety & Improve Focus | Black Out Sensory Tents For Autistic Children | Small amzn.eu/d/ip445tr

I hope you are able to come to a decision that is best for your family and don’t ever feel guilty for trying to do the best for your son.

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 09/12/2022 19:10

Put him in a sleeping bag/grow bag thing for toddlers, this restricts my son from climbing out of his cot

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/12/2022 19:13

fivetriangulartrees · 07/12/2022 23:56

Your in-laws probably won't believe how sleepless your DS is unless they experience it themselves. So they'll think you're being unreasonable, even if you're right. For that reason, I might suck it up for one night and start your strict routine after Christmas. But I've said YANBU because I think you're right there is definitely a less stressful Christmas option than battling with him all night.

I agree with this. YANBU... you know your child best and you've already experienced this in a similar situation.

YOu might find if you discuss it with DH and get him to pull his weight too, that it will be OK.
If its not OK, its the perfect get out clause for next time (with both the DH and the PILS) to do it the way you think will be easiest on both you and your little one.

Also... I think if you feel you might be criticised, it would be best to act as if this is no bother at all. ie no sighing etc...but that means having DH primed to respond without a fuss when you need him take his turn.

toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2022 19:20

@Mumof2amazingasdkiddos DS managed to get out of his cot whilst in a sleeping bag. Not sure how he managed it. The first I knew was when I heard the bang, rushed upstairs and he was sat on the floor looking stunned still in his sleeping bag

Devora13 · 09/12/2022 19:24

No you're not being unreasonable, routine isn't something you can pick and choose when to apply with our neurodiverse little ones. How far away do you live? If your OH wants to drink with his family, could you leave him there if he's not prepared to present a united front and bring your son home?

SnackSizeRaisin · 09/12/2022 19:25

If it's only 40.minutes away then I definitely wouldn't stay over, even with my non autistic and good sleeping child. Or even without a child. In your situation I would drive over to coincide with nap time and stay until bedtime so he will hopefully sleep in the car. I would offer to not drink so husband can have a drink with his family.

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 09/12/2022 19:25

toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2022 19:20

@Mumof2amazingasdkiddos DS managed to get out of his cot whilst in a sleeping bag. Not sure how he managed it. The first I knew was when I heard the bang, rushed upstairs and he was sat on the floor looking stunned still in his sleeping bag

Oh no! Hope he was ok? It's worked so far for my wee man as it restricts him from swinging his leg up and over!

toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2022 19:29

@SnackSizeRaisin OP doesn't drive, but not sure why her DH can't drink for just a few hours.

Missingpop · 09/12/2022 19:34

It’s one night; I dare say the in laws are really looking forward to seeing you all; and will have probably ordered in extra food etc keep things as calm as possible maybe go for a long walk after dinner to try to wear him out; but keep bedtime as normal as possible; tell Dh that your worried about the visit but that you don’t want to cancel but that you’ll need his help to manage everything & try to enjoy it

Learningstill · 09/12/2022 19:37

You’re not being unreasonable at all and I know, (as a mother in law) that they’ll understand your concerns and will be more than happy to go along with whatever decision you make. You could always invite them to yours of course. Good luck, there will be many more Christmas times where memories can be made.

SnackSizeRaisin · 09/12/2022 19:37

Hmm I think you need to put your son first in this scenario. If staying away overnight means he cries half the night then I really don't think you should. Everyone else will just have to adapt themselves and make the best of it. He is still very young. Things will be very different in a year or two. It's fine to say "this year we will not stay over because my child needs his routine".
There are plenty of other options that enable family to get together.
I think just stop trying to please everyone else and put your son first. The rest will fall into place.

User359472111111 · 09/12/2022 20:01

@HallieM93 - you do realise that being a SAHM doesn’t mean you do 100% of the parenting day and night, don’t you?

No, you are not being unreasonable. Don’t stay. If it’s so important for DP to have a drink, he can have one in the middle of the day and then be safe to drive you back late at night. Or he could drop you off and then go back for a drink.

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