AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

[HallieM93]

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

YANBU!
My son is 3 and I still feel bad thinking about our first christmasses together. I remember last year: day one: my parents, day 2 MIL and her family, day 3 FIL and his family. Day 2 and 3 were spend almost entirely with me being in a seperate room trying to comfort our overstimulated son, while the rest was enjoying themselves and sometimes popping in to ask why we didn't join in (because the boy started crying every time we came in to the crowded room obviously?!)
I was very strict on his naptimes and evening routine after that, because he needed it. After a weekend of less sleep and overstimulation, he was was very difficult and unhappy the next days. If there was 1 night with changes in his evening routine, almost the whole next week was ffed up. I was strict for a reason, and it was his wellbeing and my sanity. I had ppa and during holiday season it was the worst, because the days were filled with family not respecting my boundaries.
NTA, you are a good mother!
AND if this arrangement is not entirely needed for your child, but also for your mental health, that is completly valid too!

If your husband agrees to share the duties fair, you could try for the afternoon+evening and maybe night. BUT go home is you feel its needed and tell them this in advance. Better: have your husband tell them in advance

good luck and happy holidays
happy mommy = happy baby

I get the feeling that a lot of people saying that you're being unreasonable don't understand just HOW important it is for some kids to 1. have a schedule that they adhere to and 2. not be overwhelmed. You're doing what's best for your kid to go and visit during the day. Getting some kids back on their schedules takes a VERY long time, and everyone suffers. Except for your in laws.

Your kid won't remember the day, and if he could, he'd remember it as stressful and upsetting. Don't let this be the foundation for all other Christmases.

Absolutely not unreasonable. These commenters are nutters. The kid is 20 months old and might be autistic. Let him have his routines.
These comments are indicative of what's wrong with Brits.

YABU

I'm autistic and u can firmly tell you denying him difficult experiences makes it easier on you but denies him the opportunity yo develop coping skills which he will need. Denying autistic people experiences because things can be harder with/for us is most definitely not about helping the autistic person.

If you're worried it's going yo be all on you THAT is your real problem. You need support when he's struggling, not yo avoid the struggles.

Going to be sexist here, but traditionally, mothers take on MOST of the childcare responsibilities, regardless of the situation. There was a great article written by a female primary caregiver that explained why she hated going out to restaurants because she was the only one with kids, so the whole time out, she was hustling and bustling left and right while everyone, including her partner, relaxed and enjoyed their meal.

So, let's be honest, all of it is going to fall on you, and it is well within your right to do what's best for you and him. It's not up to you to make everyone happy.

As a teacher and former Special Ed aide, I've worked with dozens of neurotypical kids (and am one myself, although not an autism diagnosis), so I very much get everything you are feeling.

Unfortunately, many, many, many people, both in your family and this thread are not going to come with the unique challenges of caring for a neurotypical child. It isn't just "let them stay out and have fun. They'll crash later."

It just doesn't work that way for every child and the fall out can last DAYS!

You have every right to go and enjoy the day, too. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your happiness and throw your son's body into a tale spin just to make everyone else happy and comfortable.

You do you, mama! And don't let anyone make you feel anything negative for doing what is best for you and your little!

Ugh! I meant to write neurodivergent, not neurotypical!

You are not unreasonable, although some information could be useful like how far is your in-laws from your house? If it's close enough for you and the child to go home for bed then leave your partner there for the night and go back in the morning, you could always try melatonin for the boy it's natural and safe for autistic children and they make a gummy of it or liquid so you can put it in his drink if he's difficult about those things. You can get it and start at 1mg at home to see if it helps at night, just Google melatonin for autistic children and read on it. I hope this helps. Take care of YOUR child to best of your abilities and screw everyone else HE COMES FIRST.....

YANBU

I drive to and from my mums house every year and they stay an hour away, we also do year about but I’m firm on the sleeping in our own bed routine because my DD won’t sleep solo in someone else’s house. And it doesn’t matter the age, overtired is overtired and a bitch to deal with for a neurotypical child let alone a neurodivergent child, and I hate having to readjust the next few days after to get the sleep routine back in check.

And for those saying they need to form
coping skills he’s bloody 20 months old, no child should be forming coping skills solo at that age! I’d understand if the child was older but a toddler shouldn’t be made to adjust to suit adults whims for one day a year, when home is less than an hour away.

Do what’s best for you and your son, OP, if that’s spending the day and heading home then do that. This is your Christmas too and you shouldn’t be the one to suffer to suit everyone else’s whims.

I think if you tell your in-laws about the experience your Mum has just had, that they will be relieved that you are changing your plans. No one wants unbroken sleep!

I'm kind of shocked by all of the comments here of people saying you are being unreasonable. You're suggesting a very reasonable compromise that would enable everyone to enjoy the day. The 1.5 year timeframe is one of the hardest in parenting and it's absolutely reasonable to do what you need to do to take care of your child. It's only 40 minutes away! You could even go back the next morning!

Children are also humans and their needs matter, too. I don't think it's acceptable to drag young children around, making them forgo naps, etc., so that parents can be selfish and do whatever they want. When we have children, we're making a commitment to put their needs first, when they're too little to do so for themselves. I feel that your letter was very thoughtful and it sounds like you're going through a very challenging time. Everyone who is dismissing your concerns has either never had a child that age, never had a neuro-atypical one, or thinks that women should set aside their own needs and those of their children in order to make everyone else in the family happy. You're not being a diva. You're not being selfish. You're being caring. Your concerns are very valid. And your proposed solution is very good.

My heart nearly broke when you wrote how the thing you value most around Christmas is seeing the excitement and joy of your little boy getting to experience it. Of course it is! And you should get to prioritize that for yourself, for him, and for your family. And your husband and in-laws should be supportive of that, as well! As parents, we spend so much time trying to make the holiday special for our kids. You do not have to put your own needs and those of your child second to everyone else's. When a child that age can't sleep, they are miserable and the parents are miserable. Your husband and in-laws should be helping support you. You're part of the family! Your son is part of the family!

Making small adjustments to the routine to support the smallest among us is the right thing to do, it's the Christmas spirit thing to do. I hope your husband's family steps up to make you feel like you don't have to choose between yourself/your child and them.

Honestly, I think you need to do what's easiest for you, both for Christmas and in the long term.
If you, who does the childcare heavy lifting finds a short visit easier for you, then push for that.
But what I really don't think you should do is start down a path of only ever doing the things you percieve as ideal for your child.
You have a lifetime of parenting ahead of you, and if you only ever plan around the optimum for your child, you will have a long hard slog ahead of you with a risk of burn out and depression. Not to mention the resentment of the other people in your life at the sacrifices you will force them to make.
Obviously your child's needs are important, but its a balance. Sometimes the less than perfect scenario is good enough if it allows you and other people to have their needs met too.

Mom of a spectrum kid here..... so I had no idea my kid was autistic when he was a toddler. He is pretty high functioning and my understanding of ASD 20 years ago was... limited. However.... I get where you are coming from I think a lot of these comments are from people who don't in anyway get where you are coming from, get the difference you are illustrating quite clearly. But I do and your concerns are valid. So I think you need to keep in mind that you can ease transitions starting now without the diagnosis. Talk about how you are going to visit Grandma and Grandpa and have a sleep over (for Christmas, in a week, in a couple of days, tomorrow) .... (even if it winds up being practice for you for the future). Consider what blankets and toys he finds most comfort with bring those. Talk with your inlaws and your husband about temporarily moving (some of) the breakable stuff out of the sleeping space. Have a mat?? Bring it put it under the travel cot. Got any annoying jingle bell things that will hang off a door knob and/or maybe bounce and jingle off a mat if little feet land on it they will makes excellent alerts if he tries to make a break for it at night. Use that room as a quiet space with his stuff in it for comfort if he has a melt down or might have a meltdown. Take him there show him the space show him where his blanket and favourite train or teddy or whatever is if the GPs have stuff already there for him to play with make sure that stuff is there too. I lived quite far from my family when my kid was little and my mother really dug being a grandma so she made sure from day one he had his own blankets and stuff which is why I think a lot of the time those transitions weren't as bad as they were if I traveled to other places. But he had familiar stuff he knew where it was if he had a bad moment that's where he would go/be brought to calm down.
Is this Christmas now going to be stress free and perfect.... no probably not but it would be cool if it was. This just might be the beginning of being able to do these things well. (Which if you can establish Grandma and Grandpa's house as a safe place to be might mean you can in future have an evening to yourself) ... it may also llustrate that Christmas needs to be at your house. Or a shorter visit or both.
If you do see this comment and it makes sense to you feel free to just show it to your family.

Good Luck and Merry Christmas

My concern is this note: "my partner will likely sulk".

There are two possible interpretations, one is that you are unilaterally deciding to dramatically change the plans. That is not the way to do it, you should have a dialogue with him, explaining why you think all that, and discuss the possible solutions. Maybe your plan is the only viable option, but if he should be part of the decision process. He should also inform his parents, who should also accept your decision. You can possibly negotiate an alternative, maybe you go back an extra day, or they come by your place.

You should also discuss how to divide the childcare. It should definitely not fall all on you, but as close to 50% as possible, specially on days when he is not working.

The other option is that he may sulk at the possibility of that. In which case, I am sorry you have to deal with two toddlers.

You are not being unreasonable. I accidentally clicked YABU. But, you will be the one exhausted. You will be the one struggling to keep your baby in bed. You will be the one to keep him entertained while everyone is drinking, like you said.

The grandparents would be unreasonable and selfish for you to have to go through this just so you can spend the night. Spending the day sounds like a great compromise. They will still see you guys and everyone will get sleep.

I don't understand how you getting sleep and your baby sleeping in his own bed would be unreasonable.

This! Exactly this! YANBU

I have two autistic toddler. I understand you op. But i will still coming to my inlaw for Christmas. Because its rude not too. But my husband is a good partner. He will wake up and take care of the kids too. Its will be hell for us. I think you should still come but speak to your DH. Makesure both of you taking care your child. Not just you.

This was my experience as well and we spent several nights at the inlaws'. It was a complete nightmare! I ended up with a horrible migraine after those visits and I spent literally hours in a completely dark room trying to calm a hysterical baby and people kept coming in trying to get the baby from me! Every time ended up with more hysterical screaming and the next day I was called rude for "keeping the baby from them". Those were the worst Christmases I've ever experienced, I ended up CRYING because of how horribly I was treated.

Op, remember, it's YOUR Christmas too, it's not your or your child's job to make it enjoyable for everyone else.

😂 Right? Mine was when I wouldn't take the baby to them at midnight to open presents when the baby had just fallen asleep after 3 hours of straight up screaming. The audacity! Now we have a second baby we let them know there won't be overnight stays for a few years.

Thank you all for your supportive advice, we’re going to attempt to stay the night but we’re headed over after his lunch time nap in the hope that will help him settle at night time as when he’s overtired it’s 10X worse!!! Xxx

If he doesn't settle will your DH not drink so you can go home if necessary @HallieM93

Ha yeah, no, my son was still awake after 18 hours while I had to sit up, dozing off every few minutes and then waking in a panic because I was terrified of what could happen if he was left unsupervised but I was EXHAUSTED. Every person here saying "oh it'll be fine suck it up" has no right to say that when they don't have any clue what it's like to care for a special needs child. My son is autistic and will not sleep anywhere but home without medication.

An invitation is not a summons. It isn't rude for OP to make a compromise. Why do so many posters insist on putting everyone else before @HallieM93? ( Some lovely supportive comments too thankfully)
Do what you have planned OP, but give yourself the opportunity to politely exit at any point, if you feel you need to for any reason 💐

As someone who still has similar issues as your child even nearing 30, if you force sleepovers on him he's going to rack up a lot of bad memories and have even more problems falling asleep in foreign places later on. Many people will disagree with me because they prefer their own comfort over the child's, but I think this should be done at His pace. Try asking your child next year if he wants to stay over. In the meantime, I don't think anybody should throw a fit over a shortened visit.

I think you should talk with your in-laws and your husband, and reach some kind of compromise, so everybody would be satisfied with the holiday. I'm sure communication will solve the problem. But those who tell you you're being unreasonable, I think they're the ones that are... It's normal to be stressed about something like that and not to be sure what to do.

Not being unreasonable at all as an adult with undiagnosed Asperger's symptoms myself.... No one understands my lack of social skills... Furthermore since I see that alcohol will be present I believe that alcohol consumption might be a factor in all the increase of ADDHD and Autism.... Good luck...