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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel Christmas at MIL to keep toddler routine

435 replies

HallieM93 · 07/12/2022 23:43

I’m stressed about Christmas Day.

My 20 month old little boy stayed with my parents on Saturday for the night and was an absolute nightmare, he has learned to climb out his travel cot as he’s very tall for his age and only slept for 3 hours. He’s always struggled with new environments and routine changes, and never has been a good sleeper (we’re currently waiting for an autism assessment due to a number of factors with his development)

I felt so guilty on Sunday knowing he kept my mum up all night and that he couldn’t sleep, he was so tired when we picked him up he went to sleep at 9AM and slept until 12:30PM. I went back to work when he was very young at 5 months due to a fantastic opportunity but made the decision to return to being a SAHM in September due to the ongoing autism speculation and just wanting to spend more time with him. I made the decision on Sunday that I don’t want to change his routine or stay out overnight anymore because of this.

our plans were to go to the in-laws on Christmas Day and stay overnight but due to him being able to climb out the travel cot and far too young and excitable to sleep in the bed, I want to change our plans to just an afternoon visit (maybe for dinner?) between his afternoon nap and bedtime so as not to cause any more disruptions to his routine.

Aibu? I feel like my in-laws will be disappointed and my partner will likely sulk, but my main excitement for Christmas is to see my little boy happy and excited and I just think that overtiredness and overstimulation could ruin that for him. Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!

OP posts:
Fizzadora · 07/12/2022 23:45

Yes

Notimeforaname · 07/12/2022 23:46

Yes yabu. It's one day.

Notimeforaname · 07/12/2022 23:47

Toddler won't remember how happy he was at xmas. The rest of your family will.

loopyloutoo · 07/12/2022 23:49

YABU - It's one day. Get on with it.

HeddaGarbled · 07/12/2022 23:52

It’s possible that he won’t be so unsettled because you’ll be there. I do understand how you feel but it is a very big deal to make such a big change to Christmas Day plans at this late stage. Everyone is going to say your H needs to step up. They’ll be right.

Geppili · 07/12/2022 23:52

Why can't your partner take responsibility for settling him on Christmas day?

UWhatNow · 07/12/2022 23:52

“Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap and sleep at bedtime whilst everyone else drinks!”

So don’t be a martyr by assigning yourself that role. Tell DH if he wants to stay over then he’s got to play his part in settling junior. I never understand why women make rods for their own backs…

PixieLaLa · 07/12/2022 23:54

YANBU and surprised most think you are! It’s not like you are suggesting to cancel you can still visit and everyone spend time together on Christmas like you said afternoon/dinner then go home, I really don’t see the issue? 🤷‍♀️

fivetriangulartrees · 07/12/2022 23:56

Your in-laws probably won't believe how sleepless your DS is unless they experience it themselves. So they'll think you're being unreasonable, even if you're right. For that reason, I might suck it up for one night and start your strict routine after Christmas. But I've said YANBU because I think you're right there is definitely a less stressful Christmas option than battling with him all night.

Byelaws · 07/12/2022 23:56

Nah, you’ll be fine. YABU.

Beamur · 08/12/2022 00:00

How near to you do they live?
I remember visiting my in-laws with our toddler and seething whilst wrangling an overtired and grumpy child while DH enjoyed a nice relaxing meal with wine with his parents.

Notimeforaname · 08/12/2022 00:00

Also on a selfish level it would be me that would have to battle with him for hours to nap

Just dont do this on the day. Leave him up or let him fall asleep wherever for nap at least.

christmastime11 · 08/12/2022 00:01

YANBU. I think most people who are saying you are don't have a toddler who's a bad sleeper and thrives from routine. It's easy to say it's just one day but ime it can throw off everything for a week or so. It's not like you're suggesting not going- I don't think it should be an issue.
It's easy for your DH and in laws to sulk- but they're not the stay at home parent who has to deal with the conveniences.

Original poster
HallieM93 · 08/12/2022 00:01

Beamur · 08/12/2022 00:00

How near to you do they live?
I remember visiting my in-laws with our toddler and seething whilst wrangling an overtired and grumpy child while DH enjoyed a nice relaxing meal with wine with his parents.

They live 40 minutes away, I just don’t know where or how I’m going to get him to sleep now he can climb out the cot, and the room we’re staying in is just full of breakables and hard floor!

OP posts:
Original poster
HallieM93 · 08/12/2022 00:02

so true!! I’m currently battling to get some sanity back in our lives after the weekend nightmare

OP posts:
PollyPut · 08/12/2022 00:04

At some point he will crash out and sleep. It will be ok

Sussexlass84 · 08/12/2022 00:05

You know your family and what's best for them...especially if you suspect additional needs. Trust your gut feeling.

NameChange329435 · 08/12/2022 00:07

Yanbu. I've had to do the same since DS was diagnosed with autism. He doesn't cope well with change to routine and new environments. It's stressful for everyone and not worth hassle.

waterrat · 08/12/2022 00:07

Hi. I have an autistic child and I completely understand you op. If people dont they are not properly understanding your situation

I have learnt to to say no to situations that will overwhelm my child. That is sometimes diffocult for other people to understand.

Speak to your in laws and explain that it will be miserable for you and your child if they are overwhelmed by the day and you are following his needs.

As the parent of a neurodiverse child you have a lifetimr ahead of people not understanding your childs needs so dont ever feel embarassed about putting them first

user1477391263 · 08/12/2022 00:07

Really surprised at all the people saying "It's only one day!"
If the OP's experience is that being off the schedule and overstimilated is going to create a miserable situation, she's probably right to want to scale things back.

Can they come to yours? Or, as you suggest, a shorter visit?

It's pretty childish of them to sulk, if that is their reaction. My own parents would totally "get" it if I said that a visit or activity would have to be cancelled or changed because it would cause issues with the children.

ManyMaybes · 08/12/2022 00:07

All the people saying to suck it up clearly don’t have the same issues as you so just ignore them. You know your child - they do not. If you know it’ll be a challenge for your child and other people trying to sleep in the house, so what you need to do. Besides, if you’re there for the day it probably isn’t even an issue!

saraclara · 08/12/2022 00:08

You just get on with it. My inlaws lived 2.5 hours away so not staying over wasn't an option.

I'm sorry, but it's everyone else's Christmas as well as your toddler's. Keep him up until he crashes, let him sleep for as long as he needs in the morning.

Our kids soon adapted to all this . Sometimes it worked, sometimes it was hard. But you don't go changing everyone's Christmas plans because of a toddler's routine. It's what parenting at this age is. Sometimes it's a pain, but you and your DH need to tag team and be flexible.

Movingsoon21 · 08/12/2022 00:08

Not sure why it should matter if you go home - they still get the day with him, which is the important time!

beachcitygirl · 08/12/2022 00:09

Yabu
It's one day & the plans are made. Get your husband to put some effort in to parenting too.

Original poster
HallieM93 · 08/12/2022 00:10

waterrat · 08/12/2022 00:07

Hi. I have an autistic child and I completely understand you op. If people dont they are not properly understanding your situation

I have learnt to to say no to situations that will overwhelm my child. That is sometimes diffocult for other people to understand.

Speak to your in laws and explain that it will be miserable for you and your child if they are overwhelmed by the day and you are following his needs.

As the parent of a neurodiverse child you have a lifetimr ahead of people not understanding your childs needs so dont ever feel embarassed about putting them first

Thank you, this has made me feel so much better. I feel like we are always turning down things and having to leave places early because he struggles so much with overstimulation, I don’t want to let anyone down and want everyone to get to enjoy time with him but I just think an afternoon visit can be just as special?

OP posts: