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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH resistant about giving me money back.

200 replies

Prettypissedoff88 · 07/12/2022 22:23

name changed for this.

We live in Europe. my UK bank is closing my accounts so have had to move money across to Europe. Have done it in batches to get best rates. Have a bit left to go. DH has a uk account which is not yet closing. He has property in UK and we are in process of buying a house together in Europe.
DH has some stuff to pay for on UK property but not the money to pay for it in UK account right now. I immediately offered to transfer him that money between UK accounts to we didn’t lose money on international transfer from Europe to UK. It’s a decent amount. Did it tonight and asked him to transfer the euro equivalent from his EU account to my EU account so we were all square. His reply was ‘happy to but shouldn’t we keep it all in my account so when we apply for mortgage the account the mortgage comes out of looks healthier?’
to tell the truth I was furious. I didn’t hesitate to help him out, I never do. Our mortgage broker told us YESTERDAY that the balance of the account doesn’t matter because of our historical bank statements and other savings and pending house sale. I feel like every time I ask him to transfer any money into our joint savings (eg: end of month acc surplus) he resists. And now this. We have a joint current account which he mainly contributes to and i spend from because I am a SAHM for the moment, by choice, agreement and circumstance. I have inheritance and pre marital savings and I have happily contributed to the family from that when it’s been necessary. I never say no because I like to contribute fairly to our lives.

AIBU to be royally pissed that he hasn’t immediately transferred the amount my EU account? It’s not going to make a difference to our mortgage application and it will get spent on the same things eventually…. Buts it’s my bloody money and I want it in one of my accounts.

OP posts:
Blowthemandown · 07/12/2022 22:43

He should have done it straight away, not moved the goalposts @Prettypissedoff88

Original poster
Prettypissedoff88 · 07/12/2022 22:46

I probably should add he is not stingy. He considers his money our money and there is no resentment about me not working. Or me spending. He trusts me and I trust him financially. But, it seems to me that he somehow wants HIS bank account to be the healthiest one out of all our accounts. It’s an ego thing. I think personally his current account should just be his salary deposit and our savings accounts should grow to be the healthiest. It’s a man/patriarchal/breadwinner thing, I’m sure. His bank account looks rather healthy at the moment and I feel like this is him wanting the balance to stay nice and high. Despite him owing me that money.

OP posts:
KnickerlessParsons · 07/12/2022 22:48

If you're married it's all joint money anyway as far as the law goes.
Why do you even have his and hers money? Why isn't it all in both names?

Getoff · 07/12/2022 22:52

I don't understand why you are furious. I don't see where it says he refused to transfer money back, he just raised an invalid objection. Surely the next words out of your mouth were to remind him what the broker said, and then he would transfer the money?

It reads like you didn't try to get him to do anything after he quibbled.

It's probably that you just haven't explained it.

Original poster
Prettypissedoff88 · 07/12/2022 22:53

@KnickerlessParsons um…. Because we are separate people. We have a joint account and joint savings for family related stuff but, well my inheritance isn’t his. It’s mine. Left to me alone. And his premarital property is his… not mine. What we buy and create together is ours and we share it.

OP posts:
Getoff · 07/12/2022 22:53

In fact he literally said he would transfer the money...

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 07/12/2022 22:54

Tell him to transfer the money otherwise it's theft. What a prick.

dawnfromgavinandstacey · 07/12/2022 22:55

I'd be fewming too. It's like a power play.

SpacePotato · 07/12/2022 22:57

Tell him to transfer it into your account now. While you watch him do it.

gah2teenagers · 07/12/2022 23:00

I would be fuming too. Demand he transfers it immediately.

KnickerlessParsons · 07/12/2022 23:04

my inheritance isn’t his. It’s mine. Left to me alone. And his premarital property is his… not mine.

That may be the way you work, but in a divorce you'd be entitled to a portion of "his" assets and he "yours". And if one of you died, the other wouldn't pay IHT as the law would consider them joint assets of the marriage, not individual assets.
The whole point of a marriage is that "two become one".

Original poster
Prettypissedoff88 · 07/12/2022 23:04

@Getoff it was over text. He isn’t here right now. Away for work. But I didn’t say anything immediately because I was taken aback that he didn’t just say ‘yes, doing right now’. I don’t think it is a valid point, considering the mortgage brokers words the day before when discussing this exact thing. There is probably historical stuff going on in my reaction. But it just feels wrong.

OP posts:
Maldedos · 07/12/2022 23:13

Just reply no, I would like the money transferred please as agreed.

Getoff · 07/12/2022 23:14

KnickerlessParsons · 07/12/2022 23:04

my inheritance isn’t his. It’s mine. Left to me alone. And his premarital property is his… not mine.

That may be the way you work, but in a divorce you'd be entitled to a portion of "his" assets and he "yours". And if one of you died, the other wouldn't pay IHT as the law would consider them joint assets of the marriage, not individual assets.
The whole point of a marriage is that "two become one".

I believe inheritance assets that have never been mixed with family money are not considered marital assets in divorce. They can still be raided if necessary to provide for other parties "needs", but the other person isn't automatically entitled to a share just because the assets exist.

Original poster
Prettypissedoff88 · 07/12/2022 23:15

@KnickerlessParsons entitled to maybe but not ‘given automatically’. If we divorce there is a chance that it’s not acrimonious and I wouldn’t want anything that wasn’t 50:50 of what we created together. As that is how we have planned our marriage and it’s fair. We both have stuff from before our marriage that isn’t for the other person. We’ve discussed it and even signed a prenup. Which I know isn’t enforceable but it’s an indication of how we felt which can get taken into considération. . Of course if it comes to a fight, fine. Even then we would both come out pretty even. But I was brought up to protect what is mine. And so while we are married I’ll keep my stuff in my name.

OP posts:
stuntbubbles · 07/12/2022 23:17

This would infuriate me. It’s power play and it’s babying you: “Look, I know where the money should be the best.” It’s your money! Fuck the “family money, one pot” stuff. I wouldn’t offer to do any transfers for him again; he can’t be trusted.

CheesesandWines · 07/12/2022 23:18

It sounds like he is trying to do the best for the family and the upcoming mortgage application. Are you usually this critical of him?

BaronessBomburst · 07/12/2022 23:18

Get a Revolut account! Then you can keep pounds in an account with a UK sort code and euros in an account in your home country.

Getoff · 07/12/2022 23:19

KnickerlessParsons · 07/12/2022 22:48

If you're married it's all joint money anyway as far as the law goes.
Why do you even have his and hers money? Why isn't it all in both names?

Your first sentence is flat-out wrong. Anything that's in an account in one person's name is the legal property of that person only, they can do what they like with it, and the other person cannot stop them.

The whole point of a marriage is that "two become one".

That may be the impression given by words in a wedding ceremony, but there is nothing legally binding that changes ownership of assets when you get married.
Marriage does not force assets to be shared, it's divorce that does that.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 07/12/2022 23:22

Just text him back and say that 'it's not necessary to keep it in his account, the mortgage advisor confirmed this, so please move the money into your account as agreed'

Hopefully he will not be an arse and have further objections

Original poster
Prettypissedoff88 · 07/12/2022 23:24

@CheesesandWines
but our mortgage broker has already told us it won’t make a difference because we were talking about him needing to transfer the money to the UK and asking if it would weaken our application. The answer was no. So it wasn’t that at all.

OP posts:
Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 07/12/2022 23:29

CheesesandWines · 07/12/2022 23:18

It sounds like he is trying to do the best for the family and the upcoming mortgage application. Are you usually this critical of him?

Probably because he is already resistant to putting money in joint savings if he can keep it in his account and has just kept hold of the OPs money without her permission. She is on maternity leave and still contributing from savings and he has just deprived her of some of those savings.

Now he sounds like he's just a bit of an ego driven, I'm the breadwinner, look at all the money in my account sort of man. And hopefully he will give the money back quickly.

But if the OP was a different woman, who sounded less independence and had less access to money and came on here to say she was funding the family through maternity on her savings, her partner was refusing to allow her access to what should be joint savings and he had just got hold of a chunk of her money and wasn't giving it back would you really be calling the OP critical?

Original poster
Prettypissedoff88 · 07/12/2022 23:50

@Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead
thanks that’s pretty much what I’ve done. He hasn’t replied yet. I’m hoping he will just do it

OP posts:
HotChoxs · 08/12/2022 00:34

He is unreasonable in not giving it back but in my relationship we sometimes lend each other large sums of money to cover these kinds of situations and then are quite lax in giving/getting it back unless it's needed. Unless you actually need it this reads to me like you just don't trust your DH.

Valeriekat · 08/12/2022 00:53

Why are you closing your bank accounts?