DH resistant about giving me money back.

[Prettypissedoff88]

name changed for this.

We live in Europe. my UK bank is closing my accounts so have had to move money across to Europe. Have done it in batches to get best rates. Have a bit left to go. DH has a uk account which is not yet closing. He has property in UK and we are in process of buying a house together in Europe.
DH has some stuff to pay for on UK property but not the money to pay for it in UK account right now. I immediately offered to transfer him that money between UK accounts to we didn’t lose money on international transfer from Europe to UK. It’s a decent amount. Did it tonight and asked him to transfer the euro equivalent from his EU account to my EU account so we were all square. His reply was ‘happy to but shouldn’t we keep it all in my account so when we apply for mortgage the account the mortgage comes out of looks healthier?’
to tell the truth I was furious. I didn’t hesitate to help him out, I never do. Our mortgage broker told us YESTERDAY that the balance of the account doesn’t matter because of our historical bank statements and other savings and pending house sale. I feel like every time I ask him to transfer any money into our joint savings (eg: end of month acc surplus) he resists. And now this. We have a joint current account which he mainly contributes to and i spend from because I am a SAHM for the moment, by choice, agreement and circumstance. I have inheritance and pre marital savings and I have happily contributed to the family from that when it’s been necessary. I never say no because I like to contribute fairly to our lives.

AIBU to be royally pissed that he hasn’t immediately transferred the amount my EU account? It’s not going to make a difference to our mortgage application and it will get spent on the same things eventually…. Buts it’s my bloody money and I want it in one of my accounts.

Should you want to avoid this nonsense in the future (he's being a dick), do open a multi currency amount (e.g. Revolut, Wise) so you don't need to convert, and you'll also avoid the nonsense of UK banks unilaterally closing your account.

I could not care less whose account money is in, because we are married and we consider money to be ours jointly no matter what. We have separate accounts purely for historical reasons, but any spending above day to day is a joint decision. So no, I would not be upset about this because the idea of my husband moving money into my name, for anything other than practical reasons, is alien.

Except she literally said that this isn't the reason. And the mortgage broker did.

As a SAHM, living between countries, the thought of not having a decent fuck off fund is scary. Access to cash is sensible. Even in a happy marriage.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

I love DH but if I was a SAHM in another country with no money that just I could access... I'd be an idiot.

@Valeriekat brexit meant that non residents could no longer have UK bank accounts. We are both British but we are primarily residents in EU. Banks seem to be doing it in a staggered manner. I was asked last summer to prepare to close accounts by Feb 23. Some people were asked to do it before me and husband hasn’t been asked yet.

If he has shown similar behaviour before, why did you even offer to do this, if it bothers you.

Having said that, you are a SAHM you say? Do you earn anything at all? Are you happy to take the money he earns because it’s ‘family money’

@HotChoxs
is not that I don’t trust him. It’s more that I know that life just takes over. We are moving at the beginning of Jan out of our house. Christmas is on the doorstep. We have to pay a deposit on a rental property and other expenses. I don’t want it to be suddenly April and me remember and have to say ‘could you please transfer that amount you owe me’ money will be tighter then and it will feel petty. And he may come back with ‘I spent it on the blah blah’ and then we need to work out how to take it from other savings etc… or I just let it go.
this is my inheritance. it’s not money for everyday expenses and living off unless necessary. It was a loan to save us money and to pay something quickly, not a contribution to family life. In my head it seems reasonable to ask for it to be kept separate and ring fenced and and for it to come back to me immediately.,

So his earnings are yours collectively. But your money is just yours?

this is vey clear: “this is my inheritance. it’s not money for everyday expenses and living off unless necessary. It was a loan to save us money and to pay something quickly, not a contribution to family life. In my head it seems reasonable to ask for it to be kept separate and ring fenced and and for it to come back to me immediately.” I would say exactly this to him. It’s got the right amount of rational and emotional pull and spells it out for him, which he may need.

@Quincythequince
yes I’m happy to take the money. I have put my career on hold so we can raise children abroad (where his job is), one of whom is special needs and I don’t resent the sacrifice at all. But. I have supported him when he has quit jobs he wasn’t happy in or has done more qualifications. I have spent months paying the mortgage and ALL expenses during those times. He was happy to take my money and I never asked for it back. He had no savings at that time and he had a good salary.!His career has gone from strength to strength as a result. I moved abroad learned a new language made new friends raised kids with no family close by, so he had his wife and kids in the same country as him and our kids had a nuclear family feel despite him working away from the family a lot. If I was in the UK I could work much more easily. My job is kind of niche and hard to do where we are. His job is niche to here. He cannot do it in the Uk. I’m retraining to be able to work here but it’ll be ara much reduced salary, and way less than his salary.
as other posters have said… I think separate money, access to personal funds, is important. And that’s what this is.

I would have go e off on one to be honest OP and he would have known how cross I was.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have access to his money as a SAHM OP.

That’s not the point of the post.

But what rationale in your head makes which parts of whose money solely theirs, and which parts joint money to be shared as needed?

You have an unclear set-up in place here - needs sorting really.

If you are married then all monies are 50/50 anyway, so your adamancy in wanting it back seems a bit strange tbh.

But just be clear and say, ‘ I want it back please. Transfer it to me now’ if it’s that important to you.

And what does having SN kids have to do with anything??

The number of posters that randomly mention stuff like this, irrelevant to this post, is really tiresome.

Your last post smacks of a troubled waters though… stop martyring yourself as a DM and DW. Their your kids too.

@Quincythequince i don’t think that’s fair.
my inheritance is something I got as a result of losing a parent. At a young age. It’s there for our family IF and when necessary. And im generous with it. But it’s for For health education emergencies property investments, not everyday stuff or even one off large payments like removal companies. I’m putting a large chunk of my money into our family home we are buying. It’s also there for ME if he ever leaves me. My friend just got TOLD by her husband that he was divorcing her out of the blue. She had ploughed al her personal money into their marriage and then started a family. Now she has no money no income and her lawyer told her she has to ask him to pay for her lawyer because they only have joint accounts which he feeds into which only covers every day expenses. Her family can’t help her out.
My husband has a good salary which wouldn’t stop if he decided to divorce me. He would have a steady income and I would be reliant on his good nature to continue to pay for me and the kids AND my lawyer if I just spent my inheritance and let him keep money I lend him.

I'd remind him of this and ask him to send it immediately. Has he spent it already?!

It’s ok for him to suggest it, Dh and I have convos like this frequently.

Just say no, I want it to be transferred back, job done. If he refuses then you have a problem.

OP, so your money is your money then?

That is what you are saying here!

As it stands, Your money is your money, and his money is joint money.

Let me know how you square that circle with him then.

This is a classic MN response. DH has to share the lot, but any wiff of money to the wife, it’s all hers.

I ask you, if you were to separate, would you take half of his assets he built up before you married?

@Quincythequince because while he was little I needed to be available to drive him to appointments, to work with him, to do exercises with him. Perhaps you don’t understand the differences between ND and NT families but take it from me, special needs children NEED a different level of care than others. From families and professionals. And having a 9-5 job 5 days a week isn’t really viable if you have a child who has therapy appointments during the week he needs to be driven to. I’m in no way special in giving up work or not going back as soon as I might have to care for my SN child.
Why does it bother you?

I would feel tricked tbh

No I wouldn’t take half his assets from before we were married. I’ve already said that. What we build and create while married amid jointly ours. What we had before our marriage is our personal money. Mine happened to be cash, his was property. Not sure why my money would be spent and go into his account and not come back to me while his sits in bricks and mortar increasing in value.

They agreed on what should happen. That's what should happen. Otherwise, what's the point of words?

OP, I have 3 DC and 1 SD.
Two are ND, so I do get it.

Nothing about your situation bothers me at all, why would it.

You are a SAHM to your children and this is not more important than being SAHM to children with no additional needs.

You cannot reasonably expect to partition money up because you think it should be a certain way. It doesn’t work like that.

If you are saying what’s his is his, and what yours is yours, I would agree with your stance here.

But you aren’t, so I don’t.

Legally, what you own is tallied up, and split equally.

You understand this yes?

IF you fight for it to be like that. The courts don’t get involved in every divorce. And not every divorce has to be a fight. We aren’t GETTING divorced so it’s kind of off topic.

I wouldn’t be furious he asked a question. You sound quite short tempered.