DH resistant about giving me money back.

[Prettypissedoff88]

name changed for this.

We live in Europe. my UK bank is closing my accounts so have had to move money across to Europe. Have done it in batches to get best rates. Have a bit left to go. DH has a uk account which is not yet closing. He has property in UK and we are in process of buying a house together in Europe.
DH has some stuff to pay for on UK property but not the money to pay for it in UK account right now. I immediately offered to transfer him that money between UK accounts to we didn’t lose money on international transfer from Europe to UK. It’s a decent amount. Did it tonight and asked him to transfer the euro equivalent from his EU account to my EU account so we were all square. His reply was ‘happy to but shouldn’t we keep it all in my account so when we apply for mortgage the account the mortgage comes out of looks healthier?’
to tell the truth I was furious. I didn’t hesitate to help him out, I never do. Our mortgage broker told us YESTERDAY that the balance of the account doesn’t matter because of our historical bank statements and other savings and pending house sale. I feel like every time I ask him to transfer any money into our joint savings (eg: end of month acc surplus) he resists. And now this. We have a joint current account which he mainly contributes to and i spend from because I am a SAHM for the moment, by choice, agreement and circumstance. I have inheritance and pre marital savings and I have happily contributed to the family from that when it’s been necessary. I never say no because I like to contribute fairly to our lives.

AIBU to be royally pissed that he hasn’t immediately transferred the amount my EU account? It’s not going to make a difference to our mortgage application and it will get spent on the same things eventually…. Buts it’s my bloody money and I want it in one of my accounts.

I agree, it is woman!

I totally agree.

But woman nowadays to many, can mean something completely different to that.

Wrongly by the way.

If we can all accept that a woman is an adult human female (and many on Mn don’t),
then yes, let’s use the word woman!

No issues with that at all.

Isn’t is joint money anyway? There seems to be a lot of distrust between spouses on MN when it comes to MN. We never ‘lend’ each other money as it all comes out of the same pot 🤷‍♀️

Why are people quoting English law and claiming things are this or that way legally, when OP has not even specified where they got married and where they live, except that it is not in the UK? Other countries have different rules and marital asset regimes, so I would not be so certain with all the 'but it's all joint anyway!!' statements.

No. It's not joint money if it's an inheritance. Unless you personally decide to put in the marital pot for example by putting in the join account. But the legal default is that inheritance isn't automatically a shared asset. It's treated differently than earnings.

Because this is a GB website and so it is reasonable to quote the law of the land you live in.

The bank accounts are British, the house is in the UK and if your marriage is recognised in UK law, you can divide assets up upon divorce over here.

All in all, there is a reasonable basis to mention the law of England and Wales.

Could be wrong of course!

Assets are either:

matrimonial assets - money and property you or your ex acquired during your marriage, although in most cases the main family home will be treated as matrimonial come what maynon-matrimonial assets - money and property that have come from a source outside the marriage

Matrimonial assets automatically go into the pot of assets to be divided.

Non-matrimonial assets - such as an inheritance - do not automatically go in. It may be possible to exclude them completely from the financial arrangement you and your ex agree or from the order a court or arbitrator makes. However, if the matrimonial assets are not enough to provide for the reasonable needs of both of you (and that's a flexible concept depending on your wealth and standard of living etc. then the court will take the non-matrimonial assets into account too).

Assets can change from non-matrimonial to matrimonial. If you received an inheritance during your marriage, the court will look to see how that was used before deciding how it should be dealt with. For example, if it was money held in a joint account that the whole family benefited from, the court may decide it has become joint property and should be available for dividing between you and your ex.

I totally agree with you OP. DH and I are getting a divorce, we earn the same and we have agreed to each keep our savings. We are not submitting pay slips or bank statements. I am buying him out of house.

This!! For all we know they could live in a country where women have NO rights on divorce, and he may well know this, no matter how good you think your marrage is, if you have moved to a another country to be with somone ALWAYS keep your exit strategie.

How many times have you seen women having to give up their kids and be left with nothing after getting devorced or having to leave a marrage from a country outside of the UK.

So why don't the same considerations apply to her husband?

And what she didn't choose was to be the mother of a child with a disability.

Because this is a GB website and so it is reasonable to quote the law of the land you live in. The bank accounts are British, the house is in the UK and if your marriage is recognised in UK law, you can divide assets up upon divorce over here.

Location of bank accounts is not one of the factors applicable Private International Law acts take into account when determining what law applies to proprietary rights of the spouses. Yes it is possible that it may be laws of England and Wales, but it can also be the law of their common residence country at the time of divorce, law of the country of their common residence at the time of marriage, a law chosen by the spouses etc etc. Depends on many factors. Similar considerations when deciding which courts have jurisdiction. And therefore the statements 'but it's all joint anyway, no need to worry' may also be incorrect.

Premarital assets wouldn't be split in the event of divorce.

And no judge would say a woman can remain a non-earner just because they had kids. You would be expected to work and support yourself.OP wants it both ways and bizarrely, many others on here think it’s ok.

@Quincythequince, you keep leaving out the bit where OP put her career on hold to support her husband's career, and where she couldn't work because of her disabled child's needs. It's not a question of OP not working "just because they had kids", is it?

YANBU OP. DH has an inheritance, I have funds from a property sale. We chose to share these with one another in a joint account as "family money". If either of us had chosen to keep them separate, there'd have been a conversation about it as a courtesy- but we'd both have understood that ultimately it's the sole decision of the person whose money it is.

It may surprise you to learn that when people get married, they don't normally expect to get divorced. So, if someone is marrying for money, they normally hope and expect to be with their spouse for the rest of their joint lives and will, in the natural course of things, get lots of benefits from their spouse's money.

Of course. Very few people marry with the intention of getting divorce. But that’s not what we’re talking about here.

Nowhere has the OP said her child is disabled.

And the fact that she has a ND child, was mentioned long after the original post.

That isn’t why she’s not working (she said as much) and isn’t the reason for her not eventually going back.

Why is this relevant? It’s not.

Yes, I agree with all of this.
But OP has UK links, and from what my DF solicitor has said, it’s get divorced here if you can - fairer to women overall.

No idea why the notion of divorce keeps coming up.

And how bizarre to marry, have children with, spend your life with, be totally financially supported by at times a man, but keep a pot of cash separate.

Its odd.

I'd want it back immediately & would say so in no uncertain terms.

Maybe I said it slightly wrong. In our marriage, it wouldn’t matter whether the money came from an inheritance, a pay rise or a lottery win. You name it, it would be ‘joint money’. That’s why I don’t understand why people are so strange about keeping their money separate. Each to their own I guess.

You don’t understand why some people might prefer to keep some assets separate in a world where 50% of marriages end in divorce?

It has been a standard piece of advice passed down from generation to generation of women to have their own funds set aside as a get away ticket if they ever need one. And for good reason, given how many women have had to flee from violent/abusive/addicted husband with nothing but the clothes on their back...

It's just the smart thing to do

Surely it's precisely what we're talking about?

The chances of a child with SEN severe enough to need taking to regular therapy and to need a parent around to care for them all day not being disabledare, realistically, zero.

OP said "And having a 9-5 job 5 days a week isn’t really viable if you have a child who has therapy appointments during the week he needs to be driven to." It's highly relevant. As is the fact that OP had to put her career on hold to support her husband's job abroad.

And how bizarre to marry, have children with, spend your life with, be totally financially supported by at times a man, but keep a pot of cash separate.

Its odd.

It really isn't. Out in the real world, a hefty proportion of married couples keep their finances separate, including those where one is a SAHP.

Wow. So this has gone a bit crazy. I’ll answer some of the questions people have raised.

1. I’m not getting divorced. I come from a divorced family and have seen some really shitty divorces around and don’t ever want to be going cap in hand to anyone. I didn’t get married with the intention of getting divorced, but I’m aware that the most fairytale of marriages can end up with horrific things going on. And a lot of the time the woman is at a financial disadvantage until assets are sorted out and divided…. So yes. I want to keep some of my money separate and accessible in case the worst happens. To not would be imprudent.
2. yes it’s only 12h but it annoyed me last night because I didn’t expect to be questioned on it. I have a loads going on and so I just wanted it crossed off the list and put away. Maybe the words royally pissed were a bit OTT. I know he was just asking a question and he is busy his end and perhaps I could have waited a bit longer before getting that level of being annoyed
3. no he hasn’t transferred it yet. but he has only just woken up where he is right now so will call him shortly to discuss and make my point.
4. not sure why my post has turned into a discussion about what looks like transgender related terminology…. But I identify as a woman. And a female. and a human. 😀
5. I do think giving up my career and becoming a SAHM was a sacrifice. i had a good career and was getting well known in my industry. I loved my job. I now am completely unknown, have been out of work for 8yrs, my earning potential has reduced dramatically and I don’t speak the language here we’ll enough to start in that industry again here…. I am retraining to start work in something else and once we move I will be well located to do it and hopefully be busy so fingers crossed. It’s not really possible to earn as much as I was before though… so a reduced ability to earn is a direct result of my sacrifice. Ok it wasn’t total martyrdom, and I know I’m lucky I was able to not work, lots of people have similar situations to me and have to work…. So a willing sacrifice and to me, regarding my SN child, a necessary one. And it did benefit the family financially as if I had been the one to work and he stayed home we would have been financially less well off. But I don’t know what this has to do with my OP.

If there is a next time he transfers the money to you first imo