DH resistant about giving me money back.

[Prettypissedoff88]

name changed for this.

We live in Europe. my UK bank is closing my accounts so have had to move money across to Europe. Have done it in batches to get best rates. Have a bit left to go. DH has a uk account which is not yet closing. He has property in UK and we are in process of buying a house together in Europe.
DH has some stuff to pay for on UK property but not the money to pay for it in UK account right now. I immediately offered to transfer him that money between UK accounts to we didn’t lose money on international transfer from Europe to UK. It’s a decent amount. Did it tonight and asked him to transfer the euro equivalent from his EU account to my EU account so we were all square. His reply was ‘happy to but shouldn’t we keep it all in my account so when we apply for mortgage the account the mortgage comes out of looks healthier?’
to tell the truth I was furious. I didn’t hesitate to help him out, I never do. Our mortgage broker told us YESTERDAY that the balance of the account doesn’t matter because of our historical bank statements and other savings and pending house sale. I feel like every time I ask him to transfer any money into our joint savings (eg: end of month acc surplus) he resists. And now this. We have a joint current account which he mainly contributes to and i spend from because I am a SAHM for the moment, by choice, agreement and circumstance. I have inheritance and pre marital savings and I have happily contributed to the family from that when it’s been necessary. I never say no because I like to contribute fairly to our lives.

AIBU to be royally pissed that he hasn’t immediately transferred the amount my EU account? It’s not going to make a difference to our mortgage application and it will get spent on the same things eventually…. Buts it’s my bloody money and I want it in one of my accounts.

I'd be a bit annoyed, what's the point of going to the mortgage advisor if he's not going to listen.

@Quincythequince im not saying my having an SN child makes it more important than a non-SD child. But I probably could and would have gone back to work and had an income before now (in whatever respect) had I not had my SN child in which case perhaps I might have had a personal income and therefore not worry so much about him replacing my saved money which I lend him. because i would have been able to replace it. But I have no way of replacing my personal funds at the moment so yes, I want him to replace them because I lent him the money.

So if you’re not getting divorced, why does it matter whose account it’s in then? Especially if you’re buying a new property?!

How much money was it?

Are you going to be helping pay the new mortgage?

You don’t realise that people can and will disagree with you on here. And you keeping posting more information won’t change that.

If you will be contributing very little financially moving forwards, why do you also feel you should sit a cash pot and have total say in how it’s all spent?!

You have some real cognitive dissonance around marital finances OP.

Then just ask for it back until you get it?

You posted in AIBU. If you in no way think YABU and don’t want to entertain others views, why post?

@Quincythequince ok you obviously think IABU. So thanks for your input.

I feel like every time I ask him to transfer any money into our joint savings (eg: end of month acc surplus) he resists. And now this

So you want all extra, the surplus beyond what you need, shared!

Interesting.

Jesus Christ why is there always one on every single thread. I’d ignore this pedantic nitpicking if I were you op

Yanbu about your money

I'm really not getting your point @Quincythequince

OP has sacrificed her career for her husband so yes... his earnings should support his family, just as her earnings supported them when he was out of work. That's pretty reasonable isn't it?

OP is keeping her inheritance for her and has said that the money from his house sale is for him. Seems fair to me.

This place is lousy with idiots at the moment. OPs find it very difficult to ignore them.

Not pedantic at all.

If a man didn’t work (by agreement) had no income and then wanted half of all surplus monthly spends (by way of a joint account ), but then want to keep a large cash sum in his name only, there would be outrage!

Op you need to calm down. This man is your husband not some scammer. The money will be invested into joint property so it's fine. I don't understand why his money is pooled and your money is just for you in your personal account. Can you not see this isn't fair? Posters are trying to calm you down but you seem really highly strung. All of these transfers from international banks on your statements may look bad when you apply for a mortgage, some sort of money laundering. Can the money not be in your husband's account until it's time to purchase?

Attention seeking I guess.

Find me a thread where a man is looking after children, overseas, one of whom has SN, no income, and MN tells him not to protect himself at all, I will concede.

She hasn’t sacrificed anything. She’s not working at the moment, whilst young kids are around.

Happens all the time.

And yes, of course he should support the family including the OP. I’ve never said differently.

I find the OPs attitude to cash very strange.

It is a case of what’s his is mine, what’s mine is mine.

Like I said, reverse the scenarios.

Should the new house just belong the DH because he’s the only earner?! Of course not.

Every penny with DH and is joint money. We don't have any seperate accounts at all; I inherited and see it as both of ours. He inherited too (a substantial amount) and again this was considered both of ours.

What exactly does she need to be protected from?

If she felt that way, why transfer him the money to begin with?!

Its the same on here re inheritance, almost every single time!

The man has money come in to him, via any means, it’s family money! The woman does, and it’s her money!

Again, find me the same situation.

It’s a moot point!
I don’t need to find any comparable situation, the facts speaks for themselves.

If the OP is concerned about her future, financially or otherwise as you suggest she should be (interestingly she hasn’t said that), she should have planned her life out very differently if moving abroad, and taking a career gap isn’t the right thing to do.

She should also be financially contributing to the house now if she feels so strongly about financial security.

You didn’t bother reading the bit where she moved abroad to her DHs job? And that her job is non existent there so she’s retraining?

so yes she did make sacrifices

And for the record, my DH inherited a long time ago, I’ve never even thought about that money as mine although 20+ down the line, that wouldn’t matter.

And when I inherit, I am passing the money straight into our children’s name to help them out later in life.

So again, family money as it were. I’ve also raised 3 children and contributed financially throughout our marriage.

Of course I read it.

It’s a choice, not a sacrifice. Stop the with emotional hyperbole which automatically disempowers the OP.

IMO YANBU
However knowing his resistance you should have transferred your money only after he had paid you. You are equally responsible for causing your stress; you could have avoided it; you are helpful considerate and practical.

@Quincythequince Are you missing the bit where he has a whole house in his name? And where the OP says that the money from that sale is HIS? Just like her inheritance is hers?

And when they buy a house together he is using some of his money from the sale of his house and she will use some of her inheritance so the the house will be joint?

And the time in the middle is where monies are shared as he is working and she is taking care of the children?

Or would rather keep just having a go at the OP and purposely missing important details out?

So giving up her career and massively reducing her earning potential to move abroad so he could work isn't sacrificing anything? I guess you think she should just be a good little wife grateful for any scraps he throws her.

She also said he does get to keep money from before the marriage (eg the house sale) so it's NOT what his is mine. But I expect you know that and are just one of those people who thinks it's funny to tear people down anonymously to make yourself feel better. I hope you feel better after tonight, but perhaps find another way in future

No, I’m not missing it.

What I am saying is that legally, it’s 50/50.

So should the shit hit the fan and she needs to ‘protect herself’ there is already a financial pot for her to draw on. She can say she won’t take it - fine, but there’s nothing stopping her from doing so at all.

So she wants all excess monies monthly split into the joint account, and to sit on a large cash sum in her name only.

That is the crux of it.