DH resistant about giving me money back.

[Prettypissedoff88]

name changed for this.

We live in Europe. my UK bank is closing my accounts so have had to move money across to Europe. Have done it in batches to get best rates. Have a bit left to go. DH has a uk account which is not yet closing. He has property in UK and we are in process of buying a house together in Europe.
DH has some stuff to pay for on UK property but not the money to pay for it in UK account right now. I immediately offered to transfer him that money between UK accounts to we didn’t lose money on international transfer from Europe to UK. It’s a decent amount. Did it tonight and asked him to transfer the euro equivalent from his EU account to my EU account so we were all square. His reply was ‘happy to but shouldn’t we keep it all in my account so when we apply for mortgage the account the mortgage comes out of looks healthier?’
to tell the truth I was furious. I didn’t hesitate to help him out, I never do. Our mortgage broker told us YESTERDAY that the balance of the account doesn’t matter because of our historical bank statements and other savings and pending house sale. I feel like every time I ask him to transfer any money into our joint savings (eg: end of month acc surplus) he resists. And now this. We have a joint current account which he mainly contributes to and i spend from because I am a SAHM for the moment, by choice, agreement and circumstance. I have inheritance and pre marital savings and I have happily contributed to the family from that when it’s been necessary. I never say no because I like to contribute fairly to our lives.

AIBU to be royally pissed that he hasn’t immediately transferred the amount my EU account? It’s not going to make a difference to our mortgage application and it will get spent on the same things eventually…. Buts it’s my bloody money and I want it in one of my accounts.

@Suffrajitsu
he’s not disabled…. But he has had some delays and needed therapy and I chose to stay at home with him to make sure we did all the extra physical exercises and played the right games and did my own research into how I could help him, alternative therapies etc. I don’t at all consider this to be wasted time and I would prefer this to having worked and my child not have come on as quickly and as far as he has come. My husband agrees. My/our sacrifice of me staying at home was 100% worth it and because of it, I’m able to start to go back to work next year.

The one thing we do know about the location is that the OP and a good part of the family’s money are outside the UK and that the UK accounts have to be closed, so UK law isn’t relevant.
Other countries have a complete separation of marital assets and OP may live in one of them, so this may be a sensible way to set things up.
OP also can’t assume that if she ever did divorce that she could choose to divorce in the UK.
A lot of the advice being given is not in the OP’s interest at all.

I agree the marital asset/property laws are irrelevant as OP isn’t considering a divorce and no matter what the laws are married couples still have complete freedom to manage their finances in whatever way they mutually agree on.

The main disconnect I saw is the OP saying his money= our money but her money= her money. This is one of the reasons why she is ‘furious’ about the situation described in this thread. Such an inequality will continue to be a source of friction and argument in the marriage as it is fundamentally unequal.

But OP isn’t doing that.
Any extra money that is left above and beyond what is needed to live on, she wants transferred so she can access!

Hes probably just busy.

But you would do well to remember that the person you marry isnt the person you divorce.

Divorces are rarely the nice equal sharing experience you expect as there are usually hurt feelings and people rarely agree on what equal sharing is when their partner is no longer their no1 priority ahead of themselves and their own relationship, home and time with the children.

And they are, as OP has described, very much not zero.

I hate narcissistic responses like this. Pure insanity.

I have been reading this thread with interest as I know there tends to be a mumsnet bias in favour of "all money is family money/all one pot". (Though for disclosure I am married and we have partially joint - for household and kids - and partially separate - personal expenses/savings - finances.)

OP and her DH seem to have an established arrangement that pre marriage assets are separate and inter-marriage assets/income are joint. OK, so that is not how the one-potters would so it, but the point is that this is what they both seem to have agreed.

So in this instance the husband is (seemingly) suggesting changing the goal posts by treating a chunk of OP's separate funds as joint money, without discussion, and to add insult to injury is holding it in his personal account!

Hopefully it is all resolved by now since his response to the transfer request was "happy to ... [but]" and whilst he has been a bit cheeky/presumptuous, all will be well.

I think a lot of posters had either responded from the position that anything but one-pot is wrong, or that women can't expect men to share all their assets AND yet have separate personal ones of their own. (My MIL was very much like that!) But that isn't the case here because the husband has also kept his pre-marriage assets separate which OP agreed with.

I think what seems to have riled OP most is not whether she will get her money back but his Billy Big Balls attitude to add to his stash for appearances sake. Unfortunately a lot of men are like that to some degree. I paid for a lot of work on our house out of my savings (I'm the bigger earner and better saver) and the first few times H was keen to have hold of the cash I'd just got out of the bank so he could hand it over to the builder and look/feel like he was "paying" even though both of us knew where it had come from. I was quite firm in response!

But they have a perfectly sensible arrangement whereby each keeps premarital assets separate. She's not expecting her husband's separate property to go into the pot, so why should her inheritance?

No, as described the child would fit the legal definition for disability. But essentially, you're splitting hairs. You keep suggesting she could perfectly well be working and earning, but you keep ignoring the fact that she could not do that because the family moved abroad and because she had to care for their child with special needs. She's not staying at home and putting her career on hold for the fun of it.

This makes bugger all difference to the mortgage application. How is that doing the best for anyone?

If you are married there is no “my money” or “his money” - it all belongs to you both as a couple - sounds like you are not in a committed relationship and don’t trust each other and heading for divorce where the court will split everything 50/50

If you are married there is no “my money” or “his money” - it all belongs to you both as a couple

Again, OP lives in another country where this might really not be the case. If she for example got married in France and chose Séparation de biens, each spouse owns their own assets and there is no common ownership.

@Quincythequince

But OP isn’t doing that.
Any extra money that is left above and beyond what is needed to live on, she wants transferred so she can access!

maybe you’ve misunderstood.
he has a personal acc and a personal savings account.
i have a personal acc, and a personal savings account.
we have a joint account and a joint savings account.
all in EU.

he saves a certain amount of money for him a month, from his salary.
he puts money into the joint current account for monthly living expenditure
he pays the mortgage for his property which we live in together.
if we don’t spend everything in the joint current account I put it in joint savings.
i have no salary so no monthly savings. I use that money for the family.
if he has money left over in his account at the end of the month (after spending it on what he needs to, saving something and spending on whatever he wants with no discussion with me as it should be, he works v hard for his money), WHY is it too much to ask that he puts that into a joint savings account which the whole family will benefit from: holidays, a new kitchen, unexpected expenditures etc…..?

maybe I’m being obtuse but I Lent him money and I think as that came out of my personal account and I don’t have any way of replacing that, as I don’t take joint money for myself, he should repay me.

we (you and I) obviously think v differently. And you obviously think I think I’m basically living the high life off money I’m not entitled to. I don’t think that.

You wouldn't have offered it if you thought he wasn't going to repay it.
Its your nest egg, his house in the UK is his nest egg.
When/if all monies are pooled it may be different, but that is a conversation that hasn't been had.

(& Yes, Barclays closed my account.)

This thread is crazy. OP and her husband decided to organise their finances a certain way and he has now acted in a way out of line with that. It’s unreasonable.

All the opinions on legal positions or how others organise their finances is irrelevant.

@Prettypissedoff88 any updates?

I’m not splitting hairs. You called her DC disabled when there was no mention of that anywhere. OP came on to clarify that her child was not in fact disabled.

And if it it still not clear exactly what I have said, which isn’t that OP should working at all (I have no opinion on that) - then there is little point engaging further.

I didn’t say it was too much at all.
I have never said you shouldn’t be supported by him, nor that you should suddenly go out and get a job.

You manage it the way you see fit - which you are.

I just fail to see how whilst not contributing financially to the household, which by your own admission you are not, you are making such a fuss about a sum of money loaned to your husband and not paid back…within 12 hours.

You have moaned that he doesn’t transfer extra spare earned money into a savings account you can access too… Why should you be the one to get any control of what that gets spent on, if as you say everything else is covered and paid off by him (working hard as you say).

Your money is your money, but also his money should be your money too access too. That’s what you’re saying - and it makes no sense to hold that view.

@Quincythequince you sound like a broken record. Will you give it a rest already? You're boring us to death.

You give it a rest!
I am responding to comments made directly to me, so be quiet.

What are you, the OPs minder?

And not so bored by it all that you felt the need to post by way of response 🥱

@Quincythequince

no you’re right, I shouldnt have access to anything but what I actually need that very second. Better still my husband should pay for everything. I should just put it on ‘account’ and have him settle the bills at the end of the month.

of course the plumber who came the other day would have had some pretty clear words for me if I said ‘I know I should really pay you for your work immediately after you’ve done it especially as it was an emergency cal out and is actually a lot of work and a large amount which I’m sure YOU need for christmas, but my husband is away and I don’t have enough money in the account I’m allowed access to and I don’t have access to any more money… because you know, I’m a SAHM and don’t work… I’m not entitled. So could you please wait until the middle of December when the man of the house comes home and can whip out his manly money clip and slowly peel off 50s to pay you’

🙄

And when we buy our new house, I’ll be sure to let the kitchen company know that they will be paid by my husband….. not me. Because, well, I don’t contribute financially to the family so I’m not allowed access to anything bigger than the monthly budget. I have an allowance… and this is above my pay grade… so could they please email my husband who will pay for it. despite me having measured up, chosen, sat with the kitchen designer 3 times in Ikea and ordered it. And engaged the non English speaking builder who is going to fit it. And my husband who couldn’t do any of that because while I was learning a new language to be able to communicate within my new country…. My husband didn’t and so can’t do all of that stuff. But he can pay. Because he is a man. And he works. For someone else. Where as what? I chose bore children and so I’m not allowed to handle large sums of money.

OP I wouldn't waste your breath, headspace or typing fingers on Quincy. They have form... just ignore 'em.