DH resistant about giving me money back.

[Prettypissedoff88]

name changed for this.

We live in Europe. my UK bank is closing my accounts so have had to move money across to Europe. Have done it in batches to get best rates. Have a bit left to go. DH has a uk account which is not yet closing. He has property in UK and we are in process of buying a house together in Europe.
DH has some stuff to pay for on UK property but not the money to pay for it in UK account right now. I immediately offered to transfer him that money between UK accounts to we didn’t lose money on international transfer from Europe to UK. It’s a decent amount. Did it tonight and asked him to transfer the euro equivalent from his EU account to my EU account so we were all square. His reply was ‘happy to but shouldn’t we keep it all in my account so when we apply for mortgage the account the mortgage comes out of looks healthier?’
to tell the truth I was furious. I didn’t hesitate to help him out, I never do. Our mortgage broker told us YESTERDAY that the balance of the account doesn’t matter because of our historical bank statements and other savings and pending house sale. I feel like every time I ask him to transfer any money into our joint savings (eg: end of month acc surplus) he resists. And now this. We have a joint current account which he mainly contributes to and i spend from because I am a SAHM for the moment, by choice, agreement and circumstance. I have inheritance and pre marital savings and I have happily contributed to the family from that when it’s been necessary. I never say no because I like to contribute fairly to our lives.

AIBU to be royally pissed that he hasn’t immediately transferred the amount my EU account? It’s not going to make a difference to our mortgage application and it will get spent on the same things eventually…. Buts it’s my bloody money and I want it in one of my accounts.

LOL. Yeah, wine at 6am.
Ok!

It’s attitudes like this to money that make me wonder why people get married to be honest.

OP, I hope that by now, your DH has transferred your money back to you. You're not wrong for feeling upset or concerned that he suddenly wanted to go back on what was agreed after he'd got your money in his bank account. That would make me feel very uncomfortable, and despite some of the others on here saying differently, I think lots of people would feel suddenly vulnerable or uncomfortable in that situation.

And ignore the people trying to tell you it's all 50:50 anyway or giving you a hard time. It's very clear that you both have assets from before marriage that you are keen to keep separate, and so I'm not sure why you're expected to be OK with him getting some of yours and not giving it straight back

Nope, your absolute statement at the top is simply wrong. ‘May’ and ‘will often’ feature both times there, so read again.

It’s also not what a solicitor, with whom I have sat in on several meetings, has said to my DF who is currently going through a reasonably high worth divorce.

How then does anyone ever marry for money if what you’re saying is true?

Of course people do that, and financially gain from it too - so you are talking out of your arse.

DH has some stuff to pay for on UK property but not the money to pay for it in UK account right now. I immediately offered to transfer him that money between UK accounts to we didn’t lose money on international transfer from Europe to UK. It’s a decent amount. Did it tonight and asked him to transfer the euro equivalent from his EU account to my EU account so we were all square. His reply was ‘happy to but shouldn’t we keep it all in my account so when we apply for mortgage the account the mortgage comes out of looks healthier?’ to tell the truth I was furious. I didn’t hesitate to help him

So, YANBU to want your loan of money repaid by your DH sharpish. So that’s how I voted.

But from your OP and updates it’s not clear that your offer was only a loan and not a gift. Secondly, he’s texted you a question, that is a legitimate question to ask, so I think you’re over reacting by getting furious. Thirdly, I don’t understand why the mortgage would be coming out of his account and not the joint account you mentioned that you both have for joint expenses? Fourth, you say he’s not stingy and views his money as our money, but it’s obvious you view your money as only your money- this is causing friction and it will only get worse over time.

It sounds like the two of you struggle with communication and consistency.

@Quincythequince If it is 50/50 on all assets then that includes the inheritance? So she isn't sotting on her own money whilst his is shared and it doesn't matter where the money is so may as well sit in her account.

And she IS making sacrifices by raising their children. Not affecting his career is it? When they both chose to become parents?

It is a thing. US banks are doing this too as we left a few accounts open when we moved back as my DH has family in the US and it was easier to use these accounts when we would go to visit, order presents that sort of thing. My DH will also one day get US Social Security retirement (equiv to U.K. State Pension) and you have to have a US bank account to get paid it.

I don’t think it is due to Brexit though. I think it’s a new cost cutting thing to limit the impact of international money laundering and reporting laws. Banks now have to record citizenships & country of residence of all customers and report bank balances to all those nations tax & revenue departments. Most banks are limiting themselves to residents only now and Brexit may mean that EU banks are letting go of everyone outside the EU. So Brexit is impacting it, but not the cause of it.

It is relatively new.

Not the point of the thread but the way you are transferring money is ridiculous - you could have easily just transferred the lot into a revolut or monzo account or similar with very little fees and transferred it over at the best rate to the currency of country you are in

also if you husband thinks that an account looking more healthy is what helps with a mortgage he’s got no idea what he’s doing

the money can be all over the place in various accounts it doesn’t matter once you have the cash available 😂

id be wanting the money back too tbh

Well you are married so it makes little difference, pretty pointless having his and hers as it'd be split in the event of divorce. Unless you are worried he'll blow all the money in the short term? In which case why are you married to someone like that??? All seems a bit pointless to me having his and hers.

It’s your money-he just needs to give it back

She has not made sacrifices. People can keep repeating that, it doesn’t matter.

She gave birth. They had a family. That was a choice, not a sacrifice. Such bloody martyrs on here! It’s so bloody disempowering and a little bit pathetic to call motherhood a sacrifice. I’m sure her children will be very grateful 🙄

And I agree re sharing and joint assets, and yes, in theory it doesn’t matter where it sits for that reason of course. I am not the one saying ‘it’s my money’ (OP is) and I am also not the one saying she needs to protect herself; other people are!

If money is joint doesn’t matter where it is. If it’s not, as OP and some other currently think, then it blow their whole current financial arrangements out of the water then she should start financially contributing and not living off her DH.

And no judge would say a woman can remain a non-earner just because they had kids. You would be expected to work and support yourself.OP wants it both ways and bizarrely, many others on here think it’s ok.

Utterly regressive stance to marriage and money.

Oh god, we’ve got a Poor Menz poster out in force 🙄

Theres a difference, between the money he earns as a result of his job, a job that she has enabled him to take, and inheritance. You may think it’s fair for him to steal money from OP, because maybe you think all money should belong to a man or some handmaiden bullshit, but that was not the agreement. Just as he’s not sharing the house he owes from pre marriage, which I note you haven’t even commented on because you probably think it’s fine if Mr Big Man to keep his own assets, she would like to keep her pre marriage inheritance.

Seeing as they’re not about to get divorced, your legal wisdom (you forgot the prenup), isn’t required.

If it’s so pointless then he can move t back to her as originally agreed. No need for him to keep it under his control, is there?

I never once said I felt sorry for her DH at all.
That’s not what my posts are about. I have expressed any sympathy for him, just stated my view factually. But nice try!

And the OP transferred it to him, so how did he steal it?

And I haveX on multiple occasions now, commented on his house and their pre-martial assets!

Read properly can you? Clearly not.

Women posting on here give women and their attitudes to family and household money a bad name.

Like I said, reverse the posts and tell me people would be saying this to a man.

They wouldn’t.

And Pre-nups mean almost fuck all btw!

Oh ok, there you go OP, you need to start contributing, so leave the kids with your husband to look after (no sacrifice for him there), move back to the UK, and start working! I’m sure your husband will be delighted!

MN is so weird about “it’s the family pot”. Plenty of people prefer to have separate accounts with a joint account too, or simply separate accounts.

For all the nitpickers having a go at OP, if this had been something other than money would you still be haranguing her? Essentially the issue is: OP agreed to do X on the understanding that Y. The minute she did X, her DH immediately said “Let’s not do at after all, what about Z?” It’s interesting that he didn’t raise the possibility of Z until after X happened. It doesn’t really matter what X, Y, and Z actually are (the transfer; the transfer back; the refusal to transfer back): it’s the fact he can’t stick to an agreement and in refusing to do so, he’s got all the control.

WTF are you on about!

People are being deliberately obtuse on here.

And so many (not the OP necessarily) see men as a cash cow whilst they don’t work after having kids!

1950s females are out in full force today.

Err, because the agreement was the he would transfer it back to her, did that part pass you by? So you think he should share his house too then, yes? Maybe he can transfer it to OPs name, because why not, right?

We don’t need you bleeding heart nonsense about hypothetical men either, not helpful and unless you can show a thread with the same situation reversed, with the same posters saying the opposite, your claim is a load of poor menz derailing bullshit.

Ahahahaha, the person calling women “females” styling themselves as the modern thinker!

Your the one expecting her to hand over her inheritance to the big man, miss 1950s!

This. It’s the security aspect. He’s gone back on something that was agreed and is now holding OPs assets in his personal account. I’d have a wobble if my OH did this too.

@Prettypissedoff88 - I get EXACTLY where you’re coming from. My OH and I are exactly the same - the finances are pretty separate. I pay the bills and he transfers his share into my account. He’s unfortunately had some inheritances and those are his. He also bought before he met me and again, that money is his.

When we bought our current house, I put in a hefty deposit and he has been paying the mortgage. Now we’re selling and moving, we’re tallying up what he’s spent on mortgage payments including interest and he’ll get that back, my deposit which I’ll get back, then split anything in value increase that’s left after moving bills in half. Then on our new house, we’ll take those two amounts as the stakes for our new deposit and add any extra that we’re both putting on.

Sure, our money we make together is both of ours and neither of us stints to share it…but it’s still a case that any inheritances/savings/assets are singly ours in our heads. He absolutely should have just transferred it straight back to you!

@stuntbubbles
Essentially the issue is: OP agreed to do X on the understanding that Y. The minute she did X, her DH immediately said “Let’s not do at after all, what about Z?” It’s interesting that he didn’t raise the possibility of Z until after X happened. It doesn’t really matter what X, Y, and Z actually are (the transfer; the transfer back; the refusal to transfer back): it’s the fact he can’t stick to an agreement and in refusing to do so, he’s got all the control.

Im not convinced that the understanding of Y (transfer money back) was clearly communicated by the OP when she offered him the money from her account. Especially since OP has said he views his money as “our money”, he may not be aware that the OP views her money as hers alone. He could have been surprised by her text demanding he transfer that sum to “her” account.

Absolutely this.

OP, I would feel tricked and appalled by his actions, though I do think he has a bit of form for this.

I would not let this go, but I also would look at him differently.

I would be very wary of him.

He is on a power trip and being dishonest in the process.

Serious character flaw there IMO.

I wouldn’t see a problem with him doing that re his house at all.
And no, my claim is not poor menz anything.

Such rhetoric, such wit 🥱

And can you please read my posts again!

Just try to understand what I’ve said on here. It’s not hard.

OP wants her money back - fine!

But that is a different stance to all monies are shared and joint isn’t it.

The DH has a responsibility to provide for his children, but not to enable a perfectly capable adult to not contribute anything financially at all, whilst saying her money is hers and then ask for half of what’s left over once all expenses are paid to be put into joint account to have free access to.

Yes, the word female is a legitimate word in case you didn’t know that. I am also clear to say females because the word women seems up for debate on here these days, and the word females refer to sex-based issues (as opposed to gender-based ones) which is 1950s phenomena (still clearly is).