To feel upset DH doesn't pay for me always

[Sleepysuzie]

I have known DH for 3 years, been married 2 years and we are expecting our first DC in February. DH made 4 times my salary when we met until he was made redundant in January this year. DH has been unemployed until 2 weeks ago and has now settled for a temp job (he was getting desperate not being able to find something which paid as much as previous job) where he now only makes 2.5 times as much as me.

DH has always paid for all bills, food, mortgage (it's his property from before we met), dinners out, holidays, basically anything involving the both of us etc. and I pay for my own clothes, going out with my own friends, gifts for my own family etc. When I go on mat leave, the agreement is I'll use his credit card and not my own savings/money as I only get SMP.

Ok, so fast forward to.. I have noticed that if we're out and I fancy say a packet of crisps or go past a cafe and want to grab a coffee AND he doesn't want anything, he will stand back and let me pay for myself and not even offer to pay for me. (If he also wants one, he will pay for the both of us). It's not so much that I want him to pay, rather that he sees us as so separate that he won't even offer. Like I feel it's only £2, and you could more than afford it. And, I have recently gone to see a private dermatologist for a mole on my arm which I have had some trouble with getting seen by the NHS. I may be able to get it reimbursed by work's private health scheme but it's unclear as I'm a new employee. So at the appointment when it came to paying (£150 for the test they did.. the remainder for the consultation I will get an email from the company with the final bill) he just stood back and let me pay. He didn't even offer. He always says it's his responsibility to look after me but I feel like if it's anything to do with me, he won't do it and if it's something that's for both of us or for future children, he will happily pay.

AIBU being upset that he won't offer to pay? It makes me feel like he doesn't care about my health (the private appointment) or my wants.. he just takes responsibility for my needs.

lol shut up

What the hell? Yes, YABVVVVVU. So you don’t pay anything towards the house you live in and want him to buy literally everything for you like he’s your dad? Stop it.

Embarrassing

Why can’t you pay for a £2 coffee yourself?

I'm not a troll. Nobody I know speaks about how they split finances with their partners and I just want to get some perspective.

Also, DH doesn't want to combine finances and wants to keep things separate. We have a joint account but it only has our wedding gift money in it and there's no plans for anything else to go in it.

LOOOOOOOOOOOL

I'm not saying that I don't want to pay the £2, I'm just saying I find it stingy he won't offer.

Also, DH is 9 years older than me, way ahead in his career compared to me. And because of age gap I will basically spend next 7 years being in and out of work having our DC and not progressing in my career.

Are you always this entitled?
How about you start paying for him? He's done his share (and yours).
Your turn hun.

hugs and prayers

People are about to be really mean to you here and I'm sorry.
It sounds like you're on different pages for what each of you feel you should be paying for. I'm sure he sees these things as your responsibility as they are 'for you' and I understand that, given he pays for all essentials.
I'd probably just speak to him about it, not accusatory but just to clarify what each of your responsibilities are financially

I've lit a candle for you

What do you mean by that?

He pays for everything that is joint or just for him but you want him to pay for you too?

No. Stop being a child.

Are you a princess? Have we set beach equality over the cost of a coffee?

Dear me!

Not sure why having kids means you won’t be progressing. I have a 2 year old, had 9 months mat leave and have had a promotion and 2 decent pay rises since I’ve been back. If you work hard and want it there’s no reason why your career should suffer.

I'm going to add something here but didn't really want to but maybe it will provide some perspective. I feel like Islam has enough bad press but we're both practising Muslims and the religion states it's a husband's responsibility to look after his wife financially.

The mean people will say it's backwards, but honestly being pregnant with my first DC puts into perspective how much harder women have it compared to men. I have always been driven in my career and if I ever make anything near DH I'd be happy to go 50/50.. but as it stands I make a fairly entry level salary and DH is on 6 figures

ok, I'll bite.
It's not so much that I want him to pay, rather that he sees us as so separate that he won't even offer. Like I feel it's only £2, and you could more than afford it.

do you treat your 'D'H in a similar fashion?

Actual lol’d 😂😂😂

Yes I do actually. I buy him fancy gifts (£300 cufflinks, clothes from higher end places) every now and again, and pick up things for him any time I am out. DH doesn't typically pick up treats if he's out alone by himself but will get me 'useful' gifts eg. a shoe horn because I find it hard to put my shoes on now my belly is getting big. My anniversary/birthday gifts are more high value (jewellery, tech-y gifts)

Stop being so entitled, if you were that driven, you wouldn’t still be entry level career.

Who says you need to stay home to watch the children and not advance your career? There are options!

Just because other people in your cultural beliefs do it this way does not mean you have to or your husband wants to! God forbid anyone every broke a cultural way of living to make their own rules in life.

He was unemployed up until two weeks ago. He’s taken a temporary job. Give him a break.

I have no problem in being 'unreasonable' by the way. And I'm happy to be actually, because I was feeling upset about the not paying the medical fees.. having perspective from others is helpful even if it's not been constructive messages.