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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset DH doesn't pay for me always

274 replies

Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:08

I have known DH for 3 years, been married 2 years and we are expecting our first DC in February. DH made 4 times my salary when we met until he was made redundant in January this year. DH has been unemployed until 2 weeks ago and has now settled for a temp job (he was getting desperate not being able to find something which paid as much as previous job) where he now only makes 2.5 times as much as me.

DH has always paid for all bills, food, mortgage (it's his property from before we met), dinners out, holidays, basically anything involving the both of us etc. and I pay for my own clothes, going out with my own friends, gifts for my own family etc. When I go on mat leave, the agreement is I'll use his credit card and not my own savings/money as I only get SMP.

Ok, so fast forward to.. I have noticed that if we're out and I fancy say a packet of crisps or go past a cafe and want to grab a coffee AND he doesn't want anything, he will stand back and let me pay for myself and not even offer to pay for me. (If he also wants one, he will pay for the both of us). It's not so much that I want him to pay, rather that he sees us as so separate that he won't even offer. Like I feel it's only £2, and you could more than afford it. And, I have recently gone to see a private dermatologist for a mole on my arm which I have had some trouble with getting seen by the NHS. I may be able to get it reimbursed by work's private health scheme but it's unclear as I'm a new employee. So at the appointment when it came to paying (£150 for the test they did.. the remainder for the consultation I will get an email from the company with the final bill) he just stood back and let me pay. He didn't even offer. He always says it's his responsibility to look after me but I feel like if it's anything to do with me, he won't do it and if it's something that's for both of us or for future children, he will happily pay.

AIBU being upset that he won't offer to pay? It makes me feel like he doesn't care about my health (the private appointment) or my wants.. he just takes responsibility for my needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:59

FlissyPaps · 06/12/2022 00:56

Don’t ask us. What do you want to do?

Show quote history

Well.. I trust my DH so I have faith that he will look after me if I end up not being able to fulfil my earning potential. But I am curious about how the poster mentioned given we share lives, we should share everything. And I also don't know what is common practice for couples and their finances.. I want to do whatever is most financially savvy.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 06/12/2022 01:03

Well, he's on his second marriage now, he already owned owned the house and you make no contribution to the mortgage. You presumably aren't on the deeds. What happens to you if the marriage doesn't work out?

Rather than looking at minor spending gripes I think I'd be looking at my long term protection.

SillySausage81 · 06/12/2022 01:05

I'm always very alert to women being essentially scammed by their husbands or male partner due to the husband not expecting to have to pay for his wife/female partner while she is on maternity leave or a SAHM sacrificing her own salary to raise HIS kids, splitting finances "equally" - except it's not equal at all because they aren't factoring in her labour and lost earnings from carrying out the lion's share of the childcare and so the woman is living in relative poverty while her "husband" is living the high life, spending the family money that she helped him earn with her free labour on treats and leisure activities that are purely for himself.

However, it sounds like you and your DH are well on top of things in that regard, and that is great.

I really just cannot imagine getting worked up about a husband not buying his wife a coffee or packet of crisps when she wants one. It sounds like it's a cultural thing that you were brought up to expect, but to most people it is extremely old-fashioned. These things aren't going to bankrupt you. Most women I think would feel infantilised by having their husband swoop in and offer to pay for such small things. It sounds like apart from that your husband does look after you very well so I wouldn't worry.

WhatLikeItsHard · 06/12/2022 01:05

The most financially savvy thing is to do some research and figure out a system that works for both of you. Do some research about pensions etc if you end up being a stay at home mum.

You already said that your husband is reluctant to share finances with you, if he's been divorced before and has got wind of your attitude that he should pay for absolutely everything, then I can see why he's not keen.

melj1213 · 06/12/2022 01:05

If you share everything then your salary should be going into the pot for him to use, then when you want crisps or drinks when you're out he can use your money to pay for your expenses.

Original poster
Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 01:08

ilovesooty · 06/12/2022 01:03

Well, he's on his second marriage now, he already owned owned the house and you make no contribution to the mortgage. You presumably aren't on the deeds. What happens to you if the marriage doesn't work out?

Rather than looking at minor spending gripes I think I'd be looking at my long term protection.

It's a flat and DH wants to sell it (to buy a future investment property) we can't sell it right now because of cladding issues. We're in the process of buying a house - in my name because DH didn't have a job, but the deposit is DH's.

With respect to future protection, this stuff is agreed before marriage in Islam when everyone is on good terms. He has already given me an amount (which I don't touch) in the event of things not going well and there is an agreement that he will look after children and home financially.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 01:10

SillySausage81 · 06/12/2022 01:05

I'm always very alert to women being essentially scammed by their husbands or male partner due to the husband not expecting to have to pay for his wife/female partner while she is on maternity leave or a SAHM sacrificing her own salary to raise HIS kids, splitting finances "equally" - except it's not equal at all because they aren't factoring in her labour and lost earnings from carrying out the lion's share of the childcare and so the woman is living in relative poverty while her "husband" is living the high life, spending the family money that she helped him earn with her free labour on treats and leisure activities that are purely for himself.

However, it sounds like you and your DH are well on top of things in that regard, and that is great.

I really just cannot imagine getting worked up about a husband not buying his wife a coffee or packet of crisps when she wants one. It sounds like it's a cultural thing that you were brought up to expect, but to most people it is extremely old-fashioned. These things aren't going to bankrupt you. Most women I think would feel infantilised by having their husband swoop in and offer to pay for such small things. It sounds like apart from that your husband does look after you very well so I wouldn't worry.

Thank you, I really appreciate your response. I found it reassuring and helpful.

OP posts:
TeaAndTattoos · 06/12/2022 01:11

I really hope this is a joke if not then wow how entitled are you. My husband works and pays our rent and all our bills and we get equal spending money for whatever we want the money that I get buys our food every week and goes towards topping up the gas and electric and we help each other out if one of us is short on bill money we don’t have a joint account but we still share every bit of money that comes into the house there is no his money my money it’s joint like everything else we are a partnership I thought that was how a marriage works it’s how my parents have always done things.

PinkArt · 06/12/2022 01:11

If your DH is on 6 figures and earns 2.5 times what you do, you're on at least £40k. Not bad for 'entry level' to be on a smidge over the UK average. On £40k surely you can treat yourself to the odd bag of crisps?
If he's earning 2.5 times what you are then personally I think the fair thing is is that's reflected in the bills, so he pays in 2.5 times what you do. But it sounds like he's covering far more than that? I can't begin to imagine factoring that down to paying for coffee level though. One set of my grandparents were like that and it seemed exhausting.

Hillcrest2022 · 06/12/2022 01:11

Gosh, I would never expect someone else to pay for my life.

ilovesooty · 06/12/2022 01:13

Cladding? Good luck with that!

Well you seem to think you're looked after financially and it seems all your income is yours to do with as you please. It all seems very dependent child like though. I would imagine most posters would find it all patriarchal and old fashioned.

Original poster
Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 01:15

WhatLikeItsHard · 06/12/2022 01:05

The most financially savvy thing is to do some research and figure out a system that works for both of you. Do some research about pensions etc if you end up being a stay at home mum.

You already said that your husband is reluctant to share finances with you, if he's been divorced before and has got wind of your attitude that he should pay for absolutely everything, then I can see why he's not keen.

DH was like that with his ex too with respect to sharing (or not sharing) finances and he still did all the bills AND paid for her trips to her home country even if he wasn't going on the trip with her.. it's not my invented system, it's how DH wanted it.

Before meeting DH I appreciated I would go 50/50 with my future spouse. I do feel fortunate that DH takes care of things. I wanted to understand how others with a similar financial situation work.

OP posts:
Lovageandrose · 06/12/2022 01:15

What the fuck am I reading? Did you want to be a Disney Princess when you grew up by any chance?

monsteramunch · 06/12/2022 01:18

Four children is an active choice you're making. Choices have consequences and the one you've actively decided on means you'll be 'in and out of work' for a good few years due to four lots of mat leave at a minimum.

A different choice would mean you didn't need to do so.

Nobody is forcing you to have four kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

That decision requires sacrifices and limitations you're actively choosing.

Interviewnamechange · 06/12/2022 01:19

Op, what do you offer to the table?! He pays for bills and home ect, what are you doing for him?!

You’re upset he won’t pay for a £2 coffee when you’re out? You’re a fully grown women, why the hell wouldn’t you pay for your own coffee? He’s not your father, it’s quite odd to be upset that he doesn’t buy your snacks.

I can understand your point of view but it’s very one sided and potentially a little entitled.

OldFan · 06/12/2022 01:20

Assuming this is real @Sleepysuzie , he's only had his new job for 2 weeks. He's probably still feeling a bit insecure about money etc. And this job is only temporary after all.

Original poster
Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 01:20

monsteramunch · 06/12/2022 01:18

Four children is an active choice you're making. Choices have consequences and the one you've actively decided on means you'll be 'in and out of work' for a good few years due to four lots of mat leave at a minimum.

A different choice would mean you didn't need to do so.

Nobody is forcing you to have four kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

That decision requires sacrifices and limitations you're actively choosing.

I know that. We both want that. And that's also why I understand I may not be able to progress career-wise as well as I could have otherwise. And I think given it's OUR children it's fair for me to think DH should carry more of the financial burden whilst I might be unable to improve my own financial situation.

OP posts:
Interviewnamechange · 06/12/2022 01:25

But he already carries a huge financial burden now and you do not even have children. You need to have a frank discussion about how finances will work when you have children. At the very minimum I think it would be reasonable for you to earn enough to cover your overheads (clothes, gifts, etc), as he is already covering your home, food, bills, holidays, diners out ect.

Interviewnamechange · 06/12/2022 01:27

Oh, and your own crisps and coffees.

Original poster
Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 01:29

Ok fine, thanks all, message received. I am not arguing against any of what you're saying - like I said, I was happy to be told it was unreasonable of. I appreciate the majority perspective. I genuinely didn't have a gauge for how those whose partners make so much more than them operate.

OP posts:
OldFan · 06/12/2022 01:31

I would be very careful @Sleepysuzie . I don't get a good feeling from this. Make sure you keep your hand in with your career for a while each time between babies. If he's been divorced once already, his chances of a future divorce are increased.

Agapornis · 06/12/2022 01:32

I think you can afford £2 or £150, but what is far more important:

Is it only a nikkah, or are you (also) married under UK law? Be very careful - he may be stashing money away in his private pensions while you don't build up anything having 4 children. You'll be absolutely fucked and not entitled to anything if you end up divorcing but aren't married under UK law.
You wouldn't be the first woman who thinks she is protected with a nikkah agreement but her ex husband fucks off with all the money, and the sharia court doesn't give a shit.

Original poster
Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 01:34

Agapornis · 06/12/2022 01:32

I think you can afford £2 or £150, but what is far more important:

Is it only a nikkah, or are you (also) married under UK law? Be very careful - he may be stashing money away in his private pensions while you don't build up anything having 4 children. You'll be absolutely fucked and not entitled to anything if you end up divorcing but aren't married under UK law.
You wouldn't be the first woman who thinks she is protected with a nikkah agreement but her ex husband fucks off with all the money, and the sharia court doesn't give a shit.

Were married legally too

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/12/2022 01:35

By the sound of it, he basically pays for everything. You have been paying for more frivolous items, such as clothes for yourself (which judging by the £300 cuff links won’t be cheap), a. coffee, a few gifts for you family and a few too many takeaways recently.

Did you ever live alone before you got married or were you living with your parents? From your posts, I actually don’t think you live in the real world op, where a family earns your sort of salary and has to pay for rent/mortgage, utilities, council tax, food, clothes for themselves and their children, household insurance, transport and associated insurance / maintenance if it is a vehicle, school trips, holidays etc. The list is endless.

To top it off he is buying you a house in your name. Idk who will be expected to pay the mortgage. Are you letting it out? It seems to me, you dh couldn’t be more invested in giving you a fantastic standard of living if his life depended on it. The only caveat I would make is to see if he continues after you’ve had a child and to look at the split of labour. As he has the higher paying job, my bet is that he does less around the house. I wouldn’t be deciding definitely 4 kids. Working with 4 kids would be incredibly difficult.

He may not want to share finances because he’s more financially savvy than you and fear you may just end up squandering the money. If you want him to share money with you, you should consider how you could earn his trust. Right now, your spending patterns don’t facilitate that.

Wetblanket78 · 06/12/2022 01:35

Maybe something to do with him earning less than he used to. So you should be contributing as well. Why would you put on a credit card if you have money? Stop behaving like a spoilt brat