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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset DH doesn't pay for me always

274 replies

Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:08

I have known DH for 3 years, been married 2 years and we are expecting our first DC in February. DH made 4 times my salary when we met until he was made redundant in January this year. DH has been unemployed until 2 weeks ago and has now settled for a temp job (he was getting desperate not being able to find something which paid as much as previous job) where he now only makes 2.5 times as much as me.

DH has always paid for all bills, food, mortgage (it's his property from before we met), dinners out, holidays, basically anything involving the both of us etc. and I pay for my own clothes, going out with my own friends, gifts for my own family etc. When I go on mat leave, the agreement is I'll use his credit card and not my own savings/money as I only get SMP.

Ok, so fast forward to.. I have noticed that if we're out and I fancy say a packet of crisps or go past a cafe and want to grab a coffee AND he doesn't want anything, he will stand back and let me pay for myself and not even offer to pay for me. (If he also wants one, he will pay for the both of us). It's not so much that I want him to pay, rather that he sees us as so separate that he won't even offer. Like I feel it's only £2, and you could more than afford it. And, I have recently gone to see a private dermatologist for a mole on my arm which I have had some trouble with getting seen by the NHS. I may be able to get it reimbursed by work's private health scheme but it's unclear as I'm a new employee. So at the appointment when it came to paying (£150 for the test they did.. the remainder for the consultation I will get an email from the company with the final bill) he just stood back and let me pay. He didn't even offer. He always says it's his responsibility to look after me but I feel like if it's anything to do with me, he won't do it and if it's something that's for both of us or for future children, he will happily pay.

AIBU being upset that he won't offer to pay? It makes me feel like he doesn't care about my health (the private appointment) or my wants.. he just takes responsibility for my needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:30

AllAboardTootToot · 06/12/2022 00:28

Stop being so entitled, if you were that driven, you wouldn’t still be entry level career.

Who says you need to stay home to watch the children and not advance your career? There are options!

Just because other people in your cultural beliefs do it this way does not mean you have to or your husband wants to! God forbid anyone every broke a cultural way of living to make their own rules in life.

Show quote history

I switched industry earlier this year from a previously poorly paying public sector role, because of that I'm at an entry level salary

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 06/12/2022 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Stompythedinosaur · 06/12/2022 00:32

Of course you should buy your own crisps.

You should be contributing to the household expenses in proportion to your salary.

He is looking after you, you aren't going without. "Looking after" does not mean "pay for everything" in my book.

AllAboardTootToot · 06/12/2022 00:33

Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:30

I switched industry earlier this year from a previously poorly paying public sector role, because of that I'm at an entry level salary

Show quote history

You choose to go into that sector in the first place and accepted the job knowing the salary. You cannot put blame on your husband for that or that fact he’s doing financially better in a role because you made poor judgement versus what you wanted from a role.

WhatLikeItsHard · 06/12/2022 00:34

Like I feel it's only £2, and you could more than afford it.

So can you. If your husband pays for the mortgage, gas, electricity, water, council tax, broadband, food, dinners out, then all of your income is disposable.

Who pays for your phone? Car insurance, service, MOT etc?

What do you actually spend your money on? Even if you're on minimum wage, you'll have the equivalent disposable income of someone on a much higher salary.

Passthecheeseboard · 06/12/2022 00:37

🤨

Original poster
Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Is this really how others (who have a similar salary disparity) do their finances?

:( I really hope that isn't what the future looks like. I am genuinely happy to pursue my career and have every hope to pursue it with DC

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:39

AllAboardTootToot · 06/12/2022 00:33

You choose to go into that sector in the first place and accepted the job knowing the salary. You cannot put blame on your husband for that or that fact he’s doing financially better in a role because you made poor judgement versus what you wanted from a role.

Show quote history

I'm not blaming him at all, I was just explaining why I'm on an entry level salary. I literally changed industry for better earning prospects.

OP posts:
WhatLikeItsHard · 06/12/2022 00:41

People saying that OP can't be for real, is a troll, etc, women like this do exist. My brother's ex wife used to refer to his salary as their money, and her salary as her money.

All ended quite messily.

Verbena17 · 06/12/2022 00:41

Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:15

I'm not a troll. Nobody I know speaks about how they split finances with their partners and I just want to get some perspective.

Also, DH doesn't want to combine finances and wants to keep things separate. We have a joint account but it only has our wedding gift money in it and there's no plans for anything else to go in it.

So your husband and wife and about to share your first baby - why not share your money? I never understand married people not splitting everything - even with a big wage difference (me and dh always had a huge wage gap).

Have a savings account or whatever but put all your earnings together and draw on them to pay whatever. Joint account with 2 cards, 1 each so nobody has to worry about who pays for what.

You share your life and about to share your child …..what’s so strange about sharing all of your incomings?

Original poster
Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:42

WhatLikeItsHard · 06/12/2022 00:34

Like I feel it's only £2, and you could more than afford it.

So can you. If your husband pays for the mortgage, gas, electricity, water, council tax, broadband, food, dinners out, then all of your income is disposable.

Who pays for your phone? Car insurance, service, MOT etc?

What do you actually spend your money on? Even if you're on minimum wage, you'll have the equivalent disposable income of someone on a much higher salary.

I pay for my phone. We share a car and DH pays for insurance and MOT.

I spend my money on my own clothes, any gifts we need to give to my side of the family (we have had a few weddings etc in my side in the past couple of years). I don't like to ask for money so if we aren't doing groceries together and I'm on my own, I will pay for it.. Or if the flat needs stuff eg. the kitchen was really poorly equipped before I moved in, I'll just buy it without asking him to pay for it.

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 06/12/2022 00:42

So he gets to pay every bill whilst you piss your money away on clothes and nights out whilst not financially contributing to the household?

And you're whinging about it?!!

Original poster
Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:45

A lot of my money the past few months has gone on takeaways and deliveries because I'm too unwell to cook and DH doesn't cook. Like a lot of money...

OP posts:
DisneyPrincesss · 06/12/2022 00:45

Ffs 😅

Original poster
Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:48

Apparently 6 people voted that I'm not being unreasonable. I'd love to learn more about their reasons.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 06/12/2022 00:48

If I lived like this, not regularly contributing to a shared household and with such a childlike approach to expectations of my husband's expenditure on me, I think I'd be too embarrassed to post about it on a public forum.

Pondere · 06/12/2022 00:48

So he is acting in accordance with Islamic principles and taking care of his wife and future child…

So what more do you want? Your money is being spent on just you, which is how things are done in Islam - what’s his is shared and what’s yours is yours. Your packet of crisps and your dermatology appointment are all yours. So what else do you want?

Original poster
Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:49

Should I, or should I not push to combine our finances?

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 06/12/2022 00:49

Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:48

Apparently 6 people voted that I'm not being unreasonable. I'd love to learn more about their reasons.

Options:

A. They hit the wrong button and didn't realise it's possible to change their vote.

B. You're five of them, using five different accounts to vote from.

Noob2022 · 06/12/2022 00:50

Your seriously just asking to be slated on this forum. In Islam yes husband is required to look after you financially but personally times have changed somewhat with more wife’s going into the work place.

personally I earn more than my husband - household utility bills are split 50/50, everything else I pick up pretty much as he finds his feet. My sisters are in a similar position with them all working and splitting bills but keeping finances separate. Brothers pretty much pay for everything and give wives (SAHM) a monthly allowance to do whatever they want.

there is no one best way, sounds like your husbands picks up a lot of the Financial burden. Your about to have a family together, it’s not worth getting your back over these small things.

WhatLikeItsHard · 06/12/2022 00:50

Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:45

A lot of my money the past few months has gone on takeaways and deliveries because I'm too unwell to cook and DH doesn't cook. Like a lot of money...

Too unwell to cook, but well enough to stroll about getting annoyed your husband isn't paying for your crisps and coffee while you're out and about? Okay.

Minimum wage at full time hours would give you a take home pay of at least £1384. Say your one bill (phone contract) is £50, that leaves £1334 for takeaways. Think you'll survive.

monsteramunch · 06/12/2022 00:54

And because of age gap I will basically spend next 7 years being in and out of work having our DC and not progressing in my career.

Other than mat leave, why is this the case?

You don't need to do this.

Original poster
Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:55

monsteramunch · 06/12/2022 00:54

And because of age gap I will basically spend next 7 years being in and out of work having our DC and not progressing in my career.

Other than mat leave, why is this the case?

You don't need to do this.

Because we would like 4 children

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 06/12/2022 00:56

Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:49

Should I, or should I not push to combine our finances?

Don’t ask us. What do you want to do?

Original poster
Sleepysuzie · 06/12/2022 00:57

I also just remembered something for everyone being so rude to me.. DH was married before me for 4 years and finances were done the same way. I didn't come up with this plan, it's what DH is happy with. And their split had nothing to do with money before any of you say that.

OP posts: