To feel upset DH doesn't pay for me always

[Sleepysuzie]

I have known DH for 3 years, been married 2 years and we are expecting our first DC in February. DH made 4 times my salary when we met until he was made redundant in January this year. DH has been unemployed until 2 weeks ago and has now settled for a temp job (he was getting desperate not being able to find something which paid as much as previous job) where he now only makes 2.5 times as much as me.

DH has always paid for all bills, food, mortgage (it's his property from before we met), dinners out, holidays, basically anything involving the both of us etc. and I pay for my own clothes, going out with my own friends, gifts for my own family etc. When I go on mat leave, the agreement is I'll use his credit card and not my own savings/money as I only get SMP.

Ok, so fast forward to.. I have noticed that if we're out and I fancy say a packet of crisps or go past a cafe and want to grab a coffee AND he doesn't want anything, he will stand back and let me pay for myself and not even offer to pay for me. (If he also wants one, he will pay for the both of us). It's not so much that I want him to pay, rather that he sees us as so separate that he won't even offer. Like I feel it's only £2, and you could more than afford it. And, I have recently gone to see a private dermatologist for a mole on my arm which I have had some trouble with getting seen by the NHS. I may be able to get it reimbursed by work's private health scheme but it's unclear as I'm a new employee. So at the appointment when it came to paying (£150 for the test they did.. the remainder for the consultation I will get an email from the company with the final bill) he just stood back and let me pay. He didn't even offer. He always says it's his responsibility to look after me but I feel like if it's anything to do with me, he won't do it and if it's something that's for both of us or for future children, he will happily pay.

AIBU being upset that he won't offer to pay? It makes me feel like he doesn't care about my health (the private appointment) or my wants.. he just takes responsibility for my needs.

Hi OP- I think your husband may just be a bit worried about finances. Seems like he has been a good husband so far (irrespective of the fact that your current financial set-up was his default mode to begin with). Look at it from his perspective- he has been out of a job, took a pay cut, baby on the way, new house purchase. Lots of new responsibilities coming up and irrespective of how good his income is- these will alter finances. Also - being on a lower income vs what he is used to could make him feel he needs to be more careful. From what it sounds like- if he is someone who ‘feels’ responsible for you, it will be even more for the new baby. A £2 coffee is obv nothing- but it may not seem so irrational to him considering the massive changes up ahead and after a long period of unemployment. He may just be feeling nervous but doesn’t want to admit to you. (For context I’m also Muslim so understand the cultural/religious context of all the things you have described).

If all I had to worry about was my own bills and a £2 coffee I would be buzzing. My husband earns 5x what I do and everything is split equally and finances are separate. We have 2 kids. Does it piss me off? Massively but on the flip side I don't need to rely on him for shit, if anything had to happen I can support myself and my kids.

If he had any sense he would leave her now. It will only go downhill from here.

I think YABU as he doesn’t owe you this…..but having said that my partner (and exes) have always paid for me in these scenarios so I do get where you’re coming from. I don’t expect them to pay, they almost treat me like a princess; I do pay for them and treat them too so it’s not completely imbalanced. I don’t take the P, as in I don’t buy unreasonable amounts of things that seem like a waste of money, so that’s probably why DP offers to pay so often. If he had an issue, he’d say.

Is this a relationship deal breaker for you? Can you speak to him about your financial concerns? You married him so you should be able to have open conversations about joint finances

My brothers ex was like this too, probably the most selfish and entitled person I have ever met. They lived together for 6 years during which time she didn’t pay a penny toward any bills/mortgage / food… My brother was more of a dad to her than a partner, he did all the cooking, cleaning paying for everything, would drive her everywhere. She was getting paid more than what he did but she very much saw her money as her money and his money as their money. She spent all her income on designer clothes, nights out etc… when she left she took some of his savings to pay a deposit on a new place for herself and her new doormat bf. Years passes and brother has only just looked into getting her name off the mortgage 🙄 … And he now has to give her half of his lifesavings for her equity to a house she never contributed to and never paid a penny towards. The audacity she has is just like nothing I have ever seen. Thank God he never had children with her.

But yeah point is this probably isn’t a troll, there are women out there who are incredibly entitled. I 100% believe this thread is true.

OP you asked what other people do so here's our situation.

I earn 3x what my DH earns. We share our finances except anything we get gifted eg birthday money from family. We are both registered on all bills including the mortgage.

I take care of the admin side of our money but DH is actively interested in understanding and is an equal partner in decisions.

DH is respectful that I am bringing in more money and is very conscious about buying "treats" that are just for himself. For example, he spends about £250 a year on specialty coffee which I don't drink - he always asks me first before ordering and insists it is deducted from future birthday / Christmas presents I give him. I on the other hand really don't mind, don't keep tabs and don't make deductions! But if I felt he was taking advantage of me or not appreciating my financial contribution to the household (as I would if I found out DH was annoyed for having to dip into his own pocket for £2) then I would reconsider our arrangement.

DH could earn more, but doesn't, due to life and career choices he has made - just like you are making. In addition, he's reduced his hours at work by a day so that he can take on more in the household and looking after our children.

I could also earn more, but choose not to because quite frankly, I don't want the stress and the impact it would have on our family. In addition, I have also reduced my hours by one day.

I come from a culture where it is expected that a man takes care of the woman so my parents are disappointed in what they see is a bad life for me. But, they come from a place and a generation where women didn't have the opportunity to work, which doesn't apply as much in this day in UK society. I appreciate Islam states a husband has to look after his wife but I think you need to consider that in the context of the time that the text was written, and how the spirit of that would apply in modern day society.

If you had a similar arrangement to us, you would have a lot less disposable income than you currently do. I don't think you can see how much your DH is actually taking care of you and I suggest you ask him how much he is paying for what so you have an understanding.

Hi

Sorry you’re getting so much hate, I do think you should be offering to buy all the coffees and treat him. So that your partner, who is generous, feels valued. Maybe add his coffees to your list of things you pay for.

xxxxx

I find it stingey that you don't offer to pay your half of the bills and expect everyone to pick up your tab. Plus, if something were to happen to your relationship & you were the solo parent, how would you manage alone if someone always paid for you? You need experience in managing a household so open a joint account & both pay an amount in to cover the bills.

Wow, taking feminism back 100 years here.

You are entitled.

pay for your own coffee.

He does indeed have the measure of you. I do too.

🙄

It seems very old fashioned to expect him to pay for everything even a coffee or a bag of crisps- yabu about that op

My husband earns about 20k more than me; we contribute equally to mortgage and house stuff but then he pays for dinner usually when we go out; he usually pays for most of the holidays we have too.

Have you really thought about whether you want 4 kids or is this just expected of you? Do you want to always earn less than your husband?

You're an embarrassment to womankind

Hiya, fellow Muslim here and we have a similar arrangement. We don't have a joint account but he gives me money monthly for all the grocery/clothing/shopping/outings and includes money for myself, so im always the one paying. It does help us keep within budget. I've just started working again however because some months I do overspend and feel bad asking him more and I just don't want to have to ask anyone for it, with the rising costs makes sense to and I'd like to contribute too. But my point is, if he just transfers you the monthly amount needed then there's no worries about he didn't pay for me.

Poor bloke married a cheapasaurus

Try standing on your own two feet and be a grownup. And buy your own things!

Too unwell to cook, and he can't cook? Good lord, you are both grown ups. How do you think millions of other people manage when they don't have a lot of money for takeaways? Probably not ready for one child let alone 4 children!

What's your point? Lots of people that are ill still manage to work. She said she has nausea as she's pregnant.

You're an adult an in charge of your own finances and expenditure he's your husband and not a cash cow that has to finance your every whim.
Take some responsibility for you own life.

There has been a few threads recently from woman who's partners are tight asses or financially abusive but I don't think your dh is either of them.

That is one very poor wind up thread op. Do better.

“If Mumsnet was a thing in the 15th Century!”

And I think given it's OUR children it's fair for me to think DH should carry more of the financial burden whilst I might be unable to improve my own financial situation.

He does already...

DH has always paid for all bills, food, mortgage (it's his property from before we met), dinners out, holidays, basically anything involving the both of us etc. and I pay for my own clothes, going out with my own friends, gifts for my own family etc. When I go on mat leave, the agreement is I'll use his credit card and not my own savings/money as I only get SMP.

You changed industries this year for better earning potential....and you're saying you're going to spend 7 odd years away from it to have 4 kids...

Ok then.

So you’re not paying any rent or bills etc, and only need to pay for things for yourself. Yet are calling him tight and selfish? Sorry but no, you need to step up and pay for more yourself, not less

This can’t be real! 😂

I’ve never heard anything so entitled. The coffee? …sorry but you have issues!