To feel upset DH doesn't pay for me always

[Sleepysuzie]

I have known DH for 3 years, been married 2 years and we are expecting our first DC in February. DH made 4 times my salary when we met until he was made redundant in January this year. DH has been unemployed until 2 weeks ago and has now settled for a temp job (he was getting desperate not being able to find something which paid as much as previous job) where he now only makes 2.5 times as much as me.

DH has always paid for all bills, food, mortgage (it's his property from before we met), dinners out, holidays, basically anything involving the both of us etc. and I pay for my own clothes, going out with my own friends, gifts for my own family etc. When I go on mat leave, the agreement is I'll use his credit card and not my own savings/money as I only get SMP.

Ok, so fast forward to.. I have noticed that if we're out and I fancy say a packet of crisps or go past a cafe and want to grab a coffee AND he doesn't want anything, he will stand back and let me pay for myself and not even offer to pay for me. (If he also wants one, he will pay for the both of us). It's not so much that I want him to pay, rather that he sees us as so separate that he won't even offer. Like I feel it's only £2, and you could more than afford it. And, I have recently gone to see a private dermatologist for a mole on my arm which I have had some trouble with getting seen by the NHS. I may be able to get it reimbursed by work's private health scheme but it's unclear as I'm a new employee. So at the appointment when it came to paying (£150 for the test they did.. the remainder for the consultation I will get an email from the company with the final bill) he just stood back and let me pay. He didn't even offer. He always says it's his responsibility to look after me but I feel like if it's anything to do with me, he won't do it and if it's something that's for both of us or for future children, he will happily pay.

AIBU being upset that he won't offer to pay? It makes me feel like he doesn't care about my health (the private appointment) or my wants.. he just takes responsibility for my needs.

Thank you for the advice. We're legally married too.

Tbh I think his ex took advantage of him 😅 they had no kids and she took a 6 figure amount upon divorce.

DH is a good man religion-wise and generally a very kind person with strong ethics.

Could I please ask what you mean by call the shots? Is it the deciding how finances etc are structured?

Yes, that's what the plan is. Buying the house and living in it and either renting out the flat or selling it.

Also, you said that you find it odd he isn't investing his considerable savings.

Maybe that's his rainy day fund? Or he hasn't found anything he'd like to invest in? Or he's saving for hajj if you haven't already been?

You've said you have two rental properties, so you already have some passive income, why do you want him to invest the rest of his savings?

Alhamdulillah it seems like he's providing for you in the way that he should. Don't stress about the minor things that he doesn't offer to pay for.

It's his rainy day fund. Alhamdulillah he's done hajj but would like to do it again. And yes, you're right, he hasn't found anything he's happy to invest in.

Oh no, we don't have two rental properties. We currently just have the flat we're living in. We're in the process of buying a house and hope to either rent out (my preference) or sell (DH's preference) the flat. I mentioned I thought in the future we could aim to keep the house we're buying now as a rental property when we look to buy our 'forever' home and hence the flat and the house would be two rental properties.

With a child, I imagine she’d have some rights to the finances but not 50/50 at this point. These are negotiated in a settlement and the marriage is not yet long. I’m not an expert or anything, I am citing information read on countless threads about how divorces normally operate. Hopefully all a moot point for op.

From what I can gather you’re trying to get an idea of how other couples manage their finances as those around you don’t tend to really discuss it? Sorry for the long reply but our situation is a bit odd to some! But hope it helps.

My DH earns about 4 x what I do. We have a slightly unusual situation in that we both own our own houses and pay our own bills for them. My mother lives in my house, and I live in my DH house with him. Our finances are completely separate and always will be. It’s second marriage for both of us, no DC yet. We have discussed that if we have DC I will need some financial support from him during Mat leave while my earnings are lower (I hate that I will need this because I’m annoyingly independent but accept that it’s reasonable 😂) and he will pay for nursery fees etc.

Although I don’t pay towards his mortgage or utilities I buy food, we take it in turns to buy meals out, treats etc but don’t really keep track of who paid etc. We split dog expenses (I pay and then tell him what he owes me at the end of the month) Holidays we split but he usually pays more as he earns more.

long term we plan to buy a house together. We’ve discussed what we would do if we split (I will keep the equity from sale of my house, he’d keep the equity from his, and we’d split anything we accrued together down the middle) it’s unromantic but we’ve both been burned before in previous marriages and we felt it was important to set those lines while are happy rather than wait until the worst happened. Obviously our goal is live happily ever after and everything will go towards a happy retirement but we are realistic in case that didn’t happen. I’d never completely combine finances again with anyone but that’s our personal choice and I know it works for some people. We discuss our finances openly with each other.

Basically you need to discuss with each other what you’re both comfortable with and go from there. As a pp said he’s recently changed jobs and taken a hit financially so may be feeling stressed about that too.

@MrsMotts
I would keep your house tbh and let him ring fence the deposit on a future house bought together. You could be left with a situation, where you couldn’t get another house if you split.

Thank you, that's very useful to know.

That’s good to know, I’m thinking if shit does indeed hit the fan it will be later on when op is a few kids in, so hopefully she will get more but still, it’s important not to assume with things like this

I just can't imagine breaking up with DH. I have read lots about how hard marriage gets once you have children but I do hope we weather through the storms.. I can be very tenacious and DH is a sweeper under the rug so I am hoping that means we can stick it out 🤞

Yes op I mean call the shots in that he decides how finances are arranged and you have to go along with it.
He might have his reasons but it’s important he doesn’t hold too much baggage from the past as that’s unfair on you as you’re going into this quite innocent and very trusting.
But for now I really wouldn’t worry about day to day spending, once you stop working and go on Mat leave then make sure he pays for everything as it would be unfair to expect you to pay for things then because even small things add up.
I do think you should not stop working until he has proved himself abit with the whole property in your name thing and the buy to let etc just to give you some reassurance he’s not just saying things to keep you sweet. Marriage is hard but it can get messy when there are power imbalances which leave women open to abuse and makes it harder to leave if you’re financially reliant on that person but as you are legally married you are in a much better position than someone who isn’t so don’t fret too much. I think it’s easy to worry when so many changes are happening. But don’t sacrifice too much of yourself, it takes work from both parties, it needs to be teamwork.

@Mummyoflittledragon yes we have discussed that option too as we figured the more property we could keep the better in the long term and we may still try to do that - if I did sell, my equity wouldn’t go into the new house. I’d keep it. His equity would go as deposit and if we split we’d sell our (hypothetical) house and split what was remaining. We’d need to decide before my name goes onto a second mortgage as if I sold after we bought a new house I’d then have to pay tax on the equity.

We sound really miserable/business like don’t we 😂 We are actually blissfully happily married and hope to get old together 😂

So what's his is yours and what's yours is yours?

Gotcha.

Maybe we're old fashioned but, in my marriage, we operate on what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours. We share and combine all income into the family unit. It works for us. If my husband got a windfall tomorrow, it would be ours. If I got a windfall tomorrow, it would be ours. However, we aren't the windfall getting types, it seems.

Your husband has let you know where he stands so I'd be making sure I kept my financial independence in your situation, just for security. If he wants four children and your finances don't allow it, you have the option of saying no.

Even though it's lower you have your own salary coming in and don't pay major bills so it sounds like you get to spend your whole wage however you want? £150 is very small for a medical bill and he'll know you have so much spare cash.

I'm not religious so maybe I've got this wrong but when Islam teaches a husband should take care of his wife financially I imagine this is from back in the day when women wouldn't work.

Me and my DH wouldn't consider paying for a drink or snack for the other one if the were the only ones wanting it and he earns lots more than me. If it was my idea to get it I will also pay for him if he wants one too.

Goodness me it must be light and lofty up there in your ivory tower.

Omg, yes YABU

YABVU.

He was unemployed for 10 months, now has a temp job on a lower salary.

He pays for everything household wise already while you spend £300 on cufflinks.
He wants to sell the flat, you want to rent it out.

I suspect he's worried about money right now and you want him to pay for even more. You seem very entitled. Even planning 4 children is quite entitled. It took him 10 m to get a less well paid job - what if you can't afford 4 kids and the princess lifestyle you want?

Is this what you want to teach your daughters? That they shouldn’t strive to stand on their own two feet because eventually a man will take care of them? What would they have to do in return for this “care”? Nothing is ever for free or without compromise.

Didn't you say you were ill? But currently working so not that ill.

You're married so ultimately your money is his, and his is yours. Does it really matter if you're the one physically paying for the £2 coffee? I'm a sahm and have free reign over our finances but DH dislikes physically paying for me when we're out. He thinks it makes it look as though I'm subservient to him. Could your DH's behaviour also contain an element of this?

Also, how would your DH react if you ask him for money? I think that'd be more telling.

You find him stingy 😂😂😂. Buy your own crisps.

This must be a reverse.