To feel upset DH doesn't pay for me always

[Sleepysuzie]

I have known DH for 3 years, been married 2 years and we are expecting our first DC in February. DH made 4 times my salary when we met until he was made redundant in January this year. DH has been unemployed until 2 weeks ago and has now settled for a temp job (he was getting desperate not being able to find something which paid as much as previous job) where he now only makes 2.5 times as much as me.

DH has always paid for all bills, food, mortgage (it's his property from before we met), dinners out, holidays, basically anything involving the both of us etc. and I pay for my own clothes, going out with my own friends, gifts for my own family etc. When I go on mat leave, the agreement is I'll use his credit card and not my own savings/money as I only get SMP.

Ok, so fast forward to.. I have noticed that if we're out and I fancy say a packet of crisps or go past a cafe and want to grab a coffee AND he doesn't want anything, he will stand back and let me pay for myself and not even offer to pay for me. (If he also wants one, he will pay for the both of us). It's not so much that I want him to pay, rather that he sees us as so separate that he won't even offer. Like I feel it's only £2, and you could more than afford it. And, I have recently gone to see a private dermatologist for a mole on my arm which I have had some trouble with getting seen by the NHS. I may be able to get it reimbursed by work's private health scheme but it's unclear as I'm a new employee. So at the appointment when it came to paying (£150 for the test they did.. the remainder for the consultation I will get an email from the company with the final bill) he just stood back and let me pay. He didn't even offer. He always says it's his responsibility to look after me but I feel like if it's anything to do with me, he won't do it and if it's something that's for both of us or for future children, he will happily pay.

AIBU being upset that he won't offer to pay? It makes me feel like he doesn't care about my health (the private appointment) or my wants.. he just takes responsibility for my needs.

You were more polite here than I'd have felt able to be to someone who couldn't be bothered to read your most recent posts and take on board that you'd accepted you were unreasonable in expecting him to pay for your coffee etc.

It's not compulsory to take 7 years off work and fuck up your career to have children.

I refuse to believe there isn't going to be some colossal drip-feed or a thread deletion. The whole premise of this thread is utterly bonkers.

Hi OP. I don’t think you were bring at all unreasonable about the crisps, or a coffee for you when he’s not having one, and the fact that he never picks up treats.
Feels cold. You want to feel he is generous in caring for you in attentive little ways, not just in pragmatic ways.

I read and litrally fucking quoted it lol.

She explained all the other UNRELATED stuff like her income and I said non of that matters.

OP confirmed she make more than the average family just for 'fun' money for herself that she can spend on treat and then came to complain that she has to buy her own £2 treat when her husand who pays all the bills didnt automatically offer.

Its shocking some has such a disconnect from reality they even considered this reasonable never mind wrote a whole post about it and then tried to defend it, OP says after 11 pages that she now accepts she was must have been unreasonable but that does not fix the privilaged and spoilt views that lie at the core of this.

This isnt a SAHP with no income living on £20 pocket money that she has to beg off her tightfisted husband for nappies.

This isnt a woman whose sorry excuse of a husband ignores her, blows all his money on himself and has never bought her a xmas gifts.

No this is a rich women with a huge income of her own expecting to be completely kept by a man even down to the odd pound for a bar of chocolate.

Insane, Im glad OP realised eventually that her view was unreasonable but this core clearly goes way deeper than that.

Whatever. 🙄

OP I dont think you have anything to worry about at all. You are in an enviable positon financially compared to many.

As long as you are legally married and any property will be in your name or join names, which it sounds like it will. You have a good education and a good salary. Your DH has by my standards has a brilliant salary for temp/part time and also your family sound wealthy, so you are well supported and sould be reassured.

It sounds as if you have a stable married and family life ahead of you. I would let the little things like the coffee go as long as there is nothing else about DH's behaviour which bothers you.

Take a good look around you at how others are struggling for grounding.

Good luck with the baby and your future career

On the outside chance this isn’t a joke or reverse you need to get a grip, quite frankly this is an embarrassment to women, here’s an idea. Pay your own way in life, stop relying on a man to keep you.

Use your mat leave time to get a qualification that will enable you to get a better paying job.

and buy your own bloody crisps, the fact he steps back is showing you he’s distancing himself from your relationship to his wallet.

OP, you are not being unreasonable AT ALL. Of course he should pay for you - he's your husband fgs!

There are fat too many women on here who have marriages where they have separate finances and this kind of thing. But the responses are skewed by these people who feel the need to contribute to these threads because balancing "fair" amounts is an ongoing issue in that type of marriage.

In the real world, the vast majority of married couples pool everything and it's a total non-issue who pays for what. They have shared accounts a card each and this kind of question doesn't even cross their mind.

You are a Muslim couple and so yes, he should be paying for everything. That's his responsibility. I'm know you will have many responsibilities too. Maybe you should just stop doing those? See how that goes down?

So you currently work and earn your own money and be pays for everything, yet you expect him to pay for your coffee or private dermatology appts? Wtf! That’s very cheeky. If you didn’t earn any money, I’d get it but you do! I feel like you’re taking the piss assuming he should.

No - health is something he should pay. It's not as if she went for a facial and didn't tell him. That could have been serious.

Did you miss the bit where OP earns at least £40k and only has to pay for her clothes and nights out with friends?

glitterhouse what is your background because I'm struggling to recognise the world you live in? I've been a sahm and also the spouse who earns considerably less than my husband. I still don't agree with you.

It doesn't matter what she earns. For some weird reason this HUSBAND (ie. not flatmate / friend / random member of the public) refuses to have shared finances with his own wife and mother of his own children - with another child on the way, by the sound of it.

If they had joint finances (as OP would prefer and most families take for granted), this would be a total non-issue.

But he, got his own odd reasons, does not want this. They are a Muslim family. He can't have his cake and eat it. He needs to financially maintain his family and that's the deal.

knittingaddict - do you have shared finances though?

@Fragrantandfoolish

Ah, maybe I have. I thought top 10% was 120-150k a year?

In the real world, the vast majority of married couples pool everything and it's a total non-issue who pays for what. They have shared accounts a card each...

That''s not factually correct. Only around 50% have a joint account at all, nevermind "pool everything". You're just making shit up now, @glitterhouse

Similar financial situation here with DH. All our monies go into a joint acct, we have joint cred card and we each have a n allocation of spending money each month which is equal and we keep in personal accts and can save up to buy things for ourselves. We are a team and our finances reflect that. Any big purchases we discuss together etc.

Any day to day spending is from our joint acct so your coffee, meals, medical bills etc all out of the joint.

Perhaps you need a sit down and talk about your finances and approach overall.

SofiaSoFar - how can you be married to someone and not pool everything though?

I could understand it if it's a second marriage and one person wants to ring fence something for children from a previous marriage. But otherwise, how can you be prepared to share your DNA with someone to bring new individuals into the world, yet not be prepared to have a shared bank account?! I really don't understand this at all. When you are legally married and have children together, splitting costs and this 'his money, her money' business makes no sense. That ship has sailed, surely? In the eyes of the law, it's all one and the same anyway. It's just an unnecessary headache.

Yes we do, although there are different accounts for different purposes.

Many years ago when I was working before having children my wages paid for some things like food and the bills came out of my husbands account. My wages paid for clothes, haircuts etc, but I wouldn't expect my husband to pay for everything when we were out. Sometimes I paid and sometimes he did. Despite the organising of our accounts all money coming in was considered family money and there was give and take and flexibility.

We've never done 50/50 of everything due to the huge difference in our earning power. Never split it in proportion either. I have access to all accounts, but prefer to spend out of the one I use day to day. It helps me budget better.

The op has money of her own and I'm quite shocked that she expects her husband to pay for everyday items. I would be ashamed if I couldn't sort this myself and treat him sometimes too.

For many Muslim families, inheritance laws will be different - ie. males inherit more than females because they are expected to be the financial maintainers of the family. This is where the notion of married women who work keeping their own money comes from. It's their security, basically - they may even save and buy a property or something. This idea is not strictly adhered to these days of course but still, for instance, my DH would never expect any money from me. It wouldn't matter because, even if I worked, I would just put it in a joint account anyway. But this DH will not let her do that. Why not? She is having another baby fgs - what is the issue with a joint account?

Exactly this.
My reason for disagreeing with Islamic inheritance laws in this country is because the culture isn’t there or not financially possible where women keep their own income entirely, get childcare and household help paid by the husband (yup his job to sort that out) not to mention the obligation on other family members to support the woman financially if needed, most family expect a woman to rely on her own income and benefits so I see it as shortchanging women because the things men/families are meant to be doing aren’t happening and there is no way of enforcing them to do them when British law is what counts.
So why not just stick to British law entirely so justice is done properly, but here op’s conveniently religious husband wants to keep ‘his’ money separate, thinks he’s going to be the provider yet still expects his wife to spend out of her income on the family and herself whether it’s private healthcare of coffee, it’s his job to give her a standard of living he can afford. Because he’s the one choosing to go down the Islamic road not Op’s by the sounds of it.
Little by little, as op has more kids she will be spending from her own income uniform bits, shoes here and there, hotel bookings flights etc and before you know it, a huge chunk of her income is spent on paying for stuff. That’s what she needs to watch out for and I thinks that’s what prompted her to start this thread. Paying for one coffee is not the issue, it’s when this escalates to much larger expenditures it will be a problem. While he’s hiding away his massive income, he’s stood back watching op pay for stuff he can easily afford himself. Why is he doing that? Why doesn’t he get all chivalrous here and pay for it himself? They’re legally married so it doesn’t make sense unless he has a master plan where he will be getting her to sign a post nup in the name of ‘religion’ or something and make the wills Islamic so she gets her teeny tiny share when she will have been contributing one way or another whether it’s childcare or money and possibly won’t be getting financial provisions from anywhere else. Yes she can afford things herself but that really is besides the point here.
If her Dh reads up on things properly maybe he won’t be pushing the Islamic way as much, as it requires a lot more contribution from him to be worthy of keeping more cash for himself or giving her less as inheritance and leaving the rest to his mother for instance.
But like I said to op, her Dh will pick and choose to his own advantage so op needs to start protecting herself too ensuring he puts his money where his mouth is and puts things in her name cos if it came to divorce, who knows where he’d hide his savings and assets so op can’t get her hands on them seeing as he’s so possessive over it all right now. Ofcourse it could just be an oversight on his part but he needs to be consistent and if he can’t then op needs to protect herself.

In response to @glitterhouse

Wow. You say a lot, but it all comes down to you being entitled and then using anything you can to justify that entitlement. Get over yourself.

His temp job goes away, and it could literally vanish the next day, and you'll have to pay for everything. Be happy he's actually trying to be fiscally responsible. Especially when that baby gets here and you find out just how expensive babies are.

I'd wish you good luck, but won't do any good for someone with your mentality.

I think you need to get some self respect and dignity and be pay your own way.

I would never rely on a man for money (and I’m married and we have a 3 year old DS)

I don’t rely on my husband financially independent of our joint household bills and childcare - which we split according to earnings (I earn 3 times what DH does) and if we split up tomorrow, I could afford to keep everything going as is without him and I’m very proud of that.