To feel upset DH doesn't pay for me always

[Sleepysuzie]

I have known DH for 3 years, been married 2 years and we are expecting our first DC in February. DH made 4 times my salary when we met until he was made redundant in January this year. DH has been unemployed until 2 weeks ago and has now settled for a temp job (he was getting desperate not being able to find something which paid as much as previous job) where he now only makes 2.5 times as much as me.

DH has always paid for all bills, food, mortgage (it's his property from before we met), dinners out, holidays, basically anything involving the both of us etc. and I pay for my own clothes, going out with my own friends, gifts for my own family etc. When I go on mat leave, the agreement is I'll use his credit card and not my own savings/money as I only get SMP.

Ok, so fast forward to.. I have noticed that if we're out and I fancy say a packet of crisps or go past a cafe and want to grab a coffee AND he doesn't want anything, he will stand back and let me pay for myself and not even offer to pay for me. (If he also wants one, he will pay for the both of us). It's not so much that I want him to pay, rather that he sees us as so separate that he won't even offer. Like I feel it's only £2, and you could more than afford it. And, I have recently gone to see a private dermatologist for a mole on my arm which I have had some trouble with getting seen by the NHS. I may be able to get it reimbursed by work's private health scheme but it's unclear as I'm a new employee. So at the appointment when it came to paying (£150 for the test they did.. the remainder for the consultation I will get an email from the company with the final bill) he just stood back and let me pay. He didn't even offer. He always says it's his responsibility to look after me but I feel like if it's anything to do with me, he won't do it and if it's something that's for both of us or for future children, he will happily pay.

AIBU being upset that he won't offer to pay? It makes me feel like he doesn't care about my health (the private appointment) or my wants.. he just takes responsibility for my needs.

@magma32 best post on this thread. I actually think there's a deeper issue at hand than I first realised. OP should have stated in her OP about her DH religion because I think a lot of posters including me find this odd. Obviously there's context since OPS updates.

OP has not known him long and people CAN change AFTER a baby has come along..he wasn't married long and he has no previous kids? It's a red flag for me and like you said you ONLY know ONE side of the story!

4 kids is a lot plan accordingly and do not give up your job!!

Omg the award for most entitled thread 2022 goes to....

Feel sorry for your husband tbh

Goodness I cannot relate to this. I feel infantilised very easy and would find it really unattractive if my husband swooped in to buy my crisps for me. I value my independence in every way and would hate being treated as a child.

Did you ever go away to study OP? My Muslim friends all went away for university at least.

Anyway think about your future carefully. If you are already having doubts about your husband then maybe reconsider the four kids. (I have no idea how anyone affords that number these days unless very wealthy!) Your husband has one divorce behind him and is more experienced with life. Beware a power imbalance which will likely increase when you are home with four. With childcare costs being as they are, can you afford so many nursery fees? Childcare if you are working? Think carefully about the future. Before you know it you may end up as a sahm. Is that your real dream?

What 😂😂😂

Did you even read the OP? The DH pays for everything and OP keeps all the money she earns to buy whatever she likes. And you think he’s tight because he doesn’t just hand over yet more cash whenever OP demands it?!

Christ, what time do you have to get up if you’re awake at 3am?

@Rottenapples I’m Muslim and Pakistani and agree with you completely.

@Ivyblu
Yes sadly i think op has been targeted by this man because she’s young and very sheltered and therefore malleable, no life experience apart from what she’s been told by her parents. I mean why did this man not marry someone his own age, divorced and a high earner. Maybe a cynical older woman like myself who sees through the bs 😂 It’s not by accident these type of women have not been on his radar I can tell you.
Having said that op’s posts don’t add up either they seem very muddled -he’s a high earner yet lost his job and they live in a flat with cladding, no investments etc, he has ‘rainy day’ money yet he’s going to put that in a property for her. Sounds like he’s doing a lot of talking but not much doing.
op says the marriage is legal but considering this man has told her his ex ran off with his money, he would more likely convince her they don’t need to register it etc because religion and evil ex etc.
I could be wrong but I’ve written it just in case I am right and op is trying to protect him by painting things to be better than they are.
Like I said it really isn’t about the coffee something isn’t feeling right to op here and she really should explore those feelings further. Sadly parents have a lot to answer for for conditioning their daughters to think this way and not encourage them to take advantage of the opportunities available to them, as they/the men did when came here. It’s not really op’s fault and doesn’t happen in all muslim cultures but certainly in some where religion has made a big come back but not for the right reasons imo.

Having said that many parents do encourage their daughters do live for themselves and be independent in this case I have a feeling this man managed to undo all that and convince op this is the way good Muslims do things.

Can your dh trust you to 'look after him' if he 'doesn't fulfil his earning potential? Or is it a one way thing?

I voted you are not being unreasonable however when I was working and before children I paid my fair share. Since children everything just goes in the pot and everything comes out of the same pot. I don’t contribute a lot as I’m a parent carer.

What the female equivalent of a cocklodger?

A sleepysuzie maybe

Women like you are why we'll never have equality. Have some self respect.

@PurpleButterflyWings How on earth can you call him tight-fisted and mean when he's paying for practically everything?! Did you read the OP's posts correctly?

Mathematically, this is odd. Your husband is on 6 figures and earns 2.5 x more than you. 40,000 x 2.5 is 100,000.

So assuming that he earns the absolute minimum 6 figure sum, your minimum salary is £40,000. After tax, student loan, pension etc you'd be paid over 2000 (I've been on this salary so I know). You have 2000 spending money to yourself a month and are complaining about £150 fee (not even going to mention a £2 coffee 🙄). This has to be satire.

It's Mumsent. It's what people do.

This has to be satire.

I want it to be real. I am more than happy to take the long-suffering one off her hands. I promise not to niggle about a £2 bag of crisis.

Ok, I think it will be tricky to go back and reply to everything one by one so I'll try and address the key points here.

Firstly, I accept it was unreasonable of me to want DH to offer to pay.

No, I'm not a troll and it's not fake. My parents raised me to be driven and ambitious (i lived at home whilst at uni) - I was in a public sector role feeling good about making a difference etc but ultimately I realised that I wouldn't make enough money to have the lifestyle I wanted and live in London. I decided to move into banking.. the role I have now is a start up but in finance so it's a step in the right direction for me. I make £40k, DH's temp role gives him £120k. DH was previously on £220k. He has a fairly niche role which is why it's hard for him to find exactly what he did before.

The fact that we live in a flat with cladding.. I don't know why. DH bought it 10 years ago to be close to work. He has in that time bought his parent's council house for them. DH comes from a poor family, that is the only reason I can think of as to why he has no better investments or a fancier flat ie. he has not seen smart handling of money by his family and his corporate world of friends don't seem to actually be that close where they advise anyone on anything money-wise. His watch is one of his only splurges. He is generally very conservative with money. He has savings of 6 figures. I know what they all are and I don't believe he has hidden anything from me.

What else.. his ex was a lady from Brazil who has since moved back to her country. She wasn't Muslim and he says it was naive of him to get involved with her like he did. She asked for literally £100k and he gave it to her because he didn't want a difficult divorce.

We are due to have DC in February and despite being this far along, I still have nausea.

I hope the above clears up the doubts/confusion.

I spoke to DH today and he said he feels it is his job to provide. He said he will support me in my career and we will take things one step at a time and we don't have to have 4 children (this is actually something I wanted and was my idea but DH also likes the sound of it too.. I like the idea of a big family and I feel like if we have the means then why not). I said I was worried about things like my savings or not being able to progress well enough and DH said he will always look after me with whatever I need and will give me his credit card if that will help. I couldn't for some reason say that I think we should share our finances. I did ask about a month ago about this and he said when he gets his permanent role we can look together at how to manage things so I guess there's that.

I am especially curious about @magma32 and @Carbon12

I think he has set a precedent that he pays for everything so perhaps your perspective has been skewed. Try to step back and be more objective, even on SMP you should still be offering to pay for things… like a £2 drink.
if somethings changed I would sit him down and ask him what’s changed, is he ok/worried about money, and maybe try to extend some gratitude

Because we're both Muslim?

@Sleepysuzie

Sorry I posted before I finished typing.

I am especially curious to hear from @magma32 and @Ivyblu I do feel I am naive in some respects. I don't have the best experience with men. I dated an English/white guy at uni for 5 years(similar age gap as my DH. It wasn't intentional before people say I like older men) I paid for almost everything with this guy but justified it by saying he worked in Tesco and didn't have a lot. But in hindsight he did take advantage of me. Anyway, that has been my only previous relationship before DH and when DH and I first met I offered to go halves on dinners and did take DH out too. DH has never let me go halves on dinners with him. If I book theatre or cinema without telling him, I'll pay for both of us but that's the only way DH 'lets me' pay for him. He just prefers to pay for both of us. I guess slowly over time I've really enjoyed that feeling. It was never something I had in my previous relationship. Perhaps over time I have become entitled.

...I generally have no reason to distrust DH. I don't think he especially targeted me for my age. I know his ex was 5 years older than him, and the person he was seeing before me was a few years older than him too and previously divorced. Yes, I can be naive and I am trying to improve my financial fluency. But I think DH is a kind person and doesn't have a hidden agenda. He is supportive of me pursuing a career but was equally supportive when I said I would love a big family. But regardless, what you both said @magma32 and @Ivyblu has made me feel a little wary/cautious.

OP I feel that some people have been intentionally rude and I’m sorry about that.

I think it’s really hard to be “equal” financially without talking through the detail of what that looks like. It sounds like just had some conversations with your DH, but not sat down and crunched specific numbers (I don’t believe rough figures are helpful when budgeting).

My DH and I pool our finances and each get the same amount of spending/saving money, and the rest is “family money” (ie savings for the house/holidays/food/utilities etc are all joint funds and we do NOT use it for personal purchases without discussion). We both want autonomy to change career if we want to, so it works for us to take the joint approach. I earn slightly more than my DH, but I don’t get more spending money than him. It would be the same vice versa. He and I make decisions on joint money equally.

if I were to operate a system of split finances, I would probably work on percentages of salary rather than amounts. But where there is a big discrepancy between earning power like you described, I would also ask for the higher earner to perhaps shoulder a higher percentage when they earn over X…
OR you can categorise purchases - so a packet of crisps is a “daily luxury” you may pay for, but “medical bills” or “necessities” he may pay for.

The key is to reach a method that feels fair to both of you, have and open and honest conversation about it, and most importantly to KEEP talking about it. You use money every day so you need to talk about it regularly!

non of this explains why when you make £40k a year of pure fun money (3x as much as I use to leave on as a single mother) you think hes 'tight' for not buying you a £2 pack of crisps you decided you wanted? which was the point of the thread.

Like I dont believe anyone is really that out of touch with reality and spoilt.

• live not leave

I said I accept I was being unreasonable. The feeling I had in that moment was more like 'it makes no difference who pays for it given it's such a small amount..' and so that attitude felt stingy. I now accept that I was being unreasonable.