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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

515 replies

destinationisland · 05/12/2022 23:51

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Soozikinzii · 05/12/2022 23:56

It's their choice to marry there which is fine but they can't expect you to spend so much money to attend . Anyone I know who has married abroad has had a party on return. Honestly I wouldn't felt guilty at all about not going .

5foot5 · 06/12/2022 00:01

Of course YANBU.

If people insist on a destination wedding they have to be prepared to accept that not everyone can come.

Just say sorry you can't afford it and frankly if I were you I would not be able to stop myself from reminding them how they reacted to your original wedding plans.

TheSandgroper · 06/12/2022 00:02

Far out, that’s ridiculous.

DH married in my home town. He had his mum and some distant cousins and that was all. Everyone else said “can’t afford it” and that was that. We were sad but, for various reasons, that was the decision we made.

Honestly, making an effort is one thing but feeding someone’s entitlement is another altogether, especially with a likely emergency trip coming up. Her wedding, her life, her priorities but equally your life = your priorities.

Kidsx6 · 06/12/2022 00:04

Where in the world is a 30-40 hour flight from anywhere nowadays???
Yabu. Just don't go.

RunLolaRun102 · 06/12/2022 00:09

If your sister can’t be bothered to make room for you in the main villa does she really care about you being there? Just wish her luck, be firm about not going, and say you’ll take her for dinner when she gets back.

Original poster
destinationisland · 06/12/2022 00:09

Kidsx6 · 06/12/2022 00:04

Where in the world is a 30-40 hour flight from anywhere nowadays???
Yabu. Just don't go.

It's on the other side of the world, we'll need to catch 3 flights to get there!

Can you explain how Iabu? Obviously keen to just not go but will face the wrath of the rest of the family for it. My feeling is that you don't plan a wedding like this if you want your nieces and nephews to be there.

OP posts:
Original poster
destinationisland · 06/12/2022 00:19

RunLolaRun102 · 06/12/2022 00:09

If your sister can’t be bothered to make room for you in the main villa does she really care about you being there? Just wish her luck, be firm about not going, and say you’ll take her for dinner when she gets back.

Yes, it seems to be that she doesn't care about me being there. I was able to handle the inconvenience and outrageous expense but this part honestly really hurt me. I'm not sure if I should just get over it and go regardless (as my brother and parents would expect) or save our money and time off (as seems sensible and reasonable) but I'm not sure we're being passive-aggressive or something by changing our minds.

It's actually my husband's 40th next year too (and we'd prefer to celebrate that and possibly visit his mother).

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 06/12/2022 00:23

Can you actually afford this holiday?
thats a huge amount of money for a wedding. Not sure I’d be spending that unless I was very happy to be going. To spend that and be so reluctant about it all sounds crazy..unless you are we’ll off money and time wise.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2022 00:28

Don't go. That's a massive amount of money to spend feeling pissed off, which I would.

EmmaAgain22 · 06/12/2022 00:32

5foot5 · 06/12/2022 00:01

Of course YANBU.

If people insist on a destination wedding they have to be prepared to accept that not everyone can come.

Just say sorry you can't afford it and frankly if I were you I would not be able to stop myself from reminding them how they reacted to your original wedding plans.

This.

SeaToSki · 06/12/2022 00:32

A 30-40 hour journey with two small dc and then jet lag with them when we got there would kill it for me. It wont end up being a holiday or relaxing for you as it will be a nightmare there and back with dc that age and then being woken up in the middle of the night/tantrums because hungry at weird times/snakes/sunburn/pushchairs not working on sand and no cars/a long way for a doctor if anyone gets ill would just be the icing on the cake.

DONT GO. The pain of the rest of the family being annoyed with you will be far far less than the pain of the trip itself and pale into insignificance of having spent all you savings and having no annual leave left

tell them you cant afford it, but will give them an extra big gift to spend on scuba lessons (fill in the blank)while they are there, instead.

Original poster
destinationisland · 06/12/2022 00:32

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 06/12/2022 00:23

Can you actually afford this holiday?
thats a huge amount of money for a wedding. Not sure I’d be spending that unless I was very happy to be going. To spend that and be so reluctant about it all sounds crazy..unless you are we’ll off money and time wise.

Good question, the answer's 'probably not'.

It would mean not replacing our ten year old too small car and we rely on hubby's family helping us get to Australia if we need to see MIL in the next few years. She is likely too ill to travel

OP posts:
kweeble · 06/12/2022 00:32

I wouldn’t go and it’s best to say now; your family’s budget is a fair reason and also the need to visit your husband’s family at some point.

Weatherwax13 · 06/12/2022 00:37

I would pull out. It's just too much to expect of you. If DH'S mother is unwell I'd be prioritising the possible trip to see her and keeping the money aside for that.
The situation with the villa would tip the scales for me as I'd strongly suspect my presence isn't top of the couple's wishlist!
It's a mumsnet golden rule for a good reason: you're entitled to choose a destination wedding but only if you accept with good grace that not everyone will be able to attend.

CourtneeLuv · 06/12/2022 00:40

I would not be going to that, in your situation.

Tell them to set up a live stream, and to grow up.

user1471457751 · 06/12/2022 00:45

Have your parents got history for prioritising your sister? It's odd that they wouldn't go to Thailand for you despite the family reason you had but will go to a Pacific island for your sister just because your sis liked a holiday there

XanaduKira · 06/12/2022 00:50

Just decline and say you can't afford it - I'd do it now though allowing as much notice as possible.

KenAdams · 06/12/2022 00:50

Nowhere is 40 hours away. I have family in the Pacific Islands and its 24 hours tops.

Is it Tahiti or the Cook Islands? If so, you'll struggle to get there for £5k total flights - we've just paid almost £4kpp to the above destination, flying economy! Its taken us over a decade of building DC up to longer and longer flights to do it as well, no way would I try with very young DC.

Notcontent · 06/12/2022 00:56

Have you actually booked flights? I would be surprised if you could get flights for a family of 4 for £5000. Flights to Australia for example have really shot up in price recently. Sounds like an expensive nightmare and I would not go…

FrogLion · 06/12/2022 00:57

Don't go. We got married in Las Vegas and my husband's brother couldn't make it. But he could make the party in our return, which his sister who went to LV couldn't make. We paid for hotel rooms for those we wanted to be at the wedding. Maybe your sister could help with your travel costs? Or live stream the wedding?

ChiefPearlClutcher · 06/12/2022 00:59

I would honestly not go. Go see your husbands’ mum for his 40th instead. It will mean a lot to him and her. Your sister doesn’t give a shit as evidenced by choice of destination and accommodation arrangements. I would be fuming but keep it to myself and just step away from the madness quietly.

thefatpotato · 06/12/2022 01:00

Considering that's the cost of a family flight to Australia for your kids to see their grandma and your husband see his Mum, I say that takes priority and would tell your sister so.

YANBU. I had a wedding in my husbands home country and my whole family flew across the world to attend. I was so grateful they could, we made space for them to stay with us and then hired a huge house for a week either side of the wedding to help keep their expenses down. I offered to help cover some of the flights for my siblings but they didn't need it.

Your sister is being a bit selfish.

Epli · 06/12/2022 01:01

I cannot imagine paying over £5000 and using a huge chunk of my holiday allowance to go to a wedding, even if it’s sibling’s. I would not waste so much resources to go somewhere that I did not choose to go in the first place. And that’s before even considering MIL situation…

TheTeenageYears · 06/12/2022 01:01

We got married abroad with just parents and absolutely no expectations of anyone coming, including siblings - it was our choice. Had a party at home for everyone to celebrate. I wouldn't go in your shoes, even without the history of your own wedding which would absolutely be the final nail in the coffin. Long multiple flights, 2 young children, not staying with the bridal party so relegated to 2nd class, cost are all very valid reasons not to go as well as you know, they wouldn't do the same for you. Don't be railroaded into debt or future financial sacrifices for people unwilling to do the same for you.

SuperCamp · 06/12/2022 01:42

No way would I do that journey with 2 kids under 6! 40 hours of planes and airports - shudder!