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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

515 replies

destinationisland · 05/12/2022 23:51

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 06/12/2022 01:46

It would be a huge slap in the face to your husband if you spent that money on going to a wedding for someone you see anyway at home. Save it for visiting his family. Your own immediate family is what matters now. Your sister sounds incredibly spoilt.

LaNis · 06/12/2022 01:46

No chance. YANBU OP.

Wanderingoff · 06/12/2022 02:04

If I was your dh I’d be pretty unhappy

sounds like your family is massively dysfunctional

tell them you can’t go - and point out that your dh made a massive sacrifice because they wouldn’t fly for your wedding

then start doing the hard work to distance yourself from your family’s dysfunction

marvellousmaple · 06/12/2022 02:12

It literally can't be 40 hours - you'd be all the way around the world and back again - unless you are factoring in wait times maybe.
I wouldn't go, particularly because your family wouldn't travel for your wedding, and with the MIL situation.
I agree with pp, come visit Australia instead, see MIL ( whilst she is still well enough to enjoy your visit) and all of his rellies and have a big party for his 40th. Perfect.

bpirockin · 06/12/2022 02:19

My feeling is that when people opt to get married out of the county, if they particularly want someone there then they should be prepared to cover the costs. You have your own family to think about, and your parents etc. were not willing to show any consideration when it was your turn and you had a valid reason for wanting to marry elsewhere. Stop worrying about what they want/expect, and do what's best for you and yours.

It blows my mind how many people have such selfish expectations of others these days - it's their wedding, that means the event is about them and they get to do what they want. That's not the same as them getting to dictate to others that they have to be there, have to sacrifice their holiday, and prioritise them and their event at all costs. They can always put the event online, so it's not as if you won't be able to see how it went. Stroppy family members need reminding that you have your own things to consider and they do not get to make decisions for you. It might put noses out of joint, but ultimately they need to respect your decision.

Rightsraptor · 06/12/2022 02:19

Don't go.

They are being totally unreasonable, 3 flights each way with small children? Horrendous for all of you, never mind the cost.

Where did this insane idea of far-flung weddings come from? Madness.

Rightsraptor · 06/12/2022 02:22

And yes it could be 40 hours door to door, with wait times between flights, transfers etc etc.

MoppaSprings · 06/12/2022 02:23

When you book a flight it usually gives you the travel time including any stop over times. Hanging about an airport is not fun at the best of times but even less fun with kids. Spending the best part of 2 days travelling or hanging around an airport is 2 days additional leave that will need to be factored in( plus 2 days at end of holiday or flights are the same).

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 06/12/2022 02:25

I'd not attend.

Whatever happened to people going alone on honeymoon instead of dragging all & sundry with them?

Original poster
destinationisland · 06/12/2022 02:26

KenAdams · 06/12/2022 00:50

Nowhere is 40 hours away. I have family in the Pacific Islands and its 24 hours tops.

Is it Tahiti or the Cook Islands? If so, you'll struggle to get there for £5k total flights - we've just paid almost £4kpp to the above destination, flying economy! Its taken us over a decade of building DC up to longer and longer flights to do it as well, no way would I try with very young DC.

This is including stopover time obviously. But even UK to New Zealand is minimum 30 hour flight. UK to Aus a few years ago was hard enough, and that was when the DC's were young enough to sleep most of the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
destinationisland · 06/12/2022 02:34

user1471457751 · 06/12/2022 00:45

Have your parents got history for prioritising your sister? It's odd that they wouldn't go to Thailand for you despite the family reason you had but will go to a Pacific island for your sister just because your sis liked a holiday there

Apparently my parents learnt from their mistakes with us and don't want to interfere with my sister's plans.

Saying that, when we asked my parents to acknowledge it was a big ask and the history made us feel somewhat jealous and resentful, they denied ever pushing us. We just wanted it to be acknowledged by them so we could move on and not upset my sister with our resentment.

This is despite them (my parents) literally giving us an ultimatum; either get married with their conditions or not have them involved at all. They did help us finance it which is why they had that power but we wish we had have stood up to them and not accepted their money. It's another story but we can't even look at our wedding photos because the whole time was so incredibly stressful for us.

Then my sister has the gall to mention she hopes our parents help her and her fiancé out with their flights!!

OP posts:
Original poster
destinationisland · 06/12/2022 02:36

MoppaSprings · 06/12/2022 02:23

When you book a flight it usually gives you the travel time including any stop over times. Hanging about an airport is not fun at the best of times but even less fun with kids. Spending the best part of 2 days travelling or hanging around an airport is 2 days additional leave that will need to be factored in( plus 2 days at end of holiday or flights are the same).

Absolutely. And then there's the jet lag that's so much worse because there's no chance for my husband and I to get any rest on the flight. My brother and nieces have never flown abroad, let along long haul, so I am expected to catch the same flight and help them navigate it.

OP posts:
sickandtiredofthis · 06/12/2022 02:38

I wouldn't go. It's too much of an ask, in terms of both time and money. You have a perfectly reasonable explanation for why you can't: Your husband wants to visit his mother, who is ill.

If they're "hurt" or annoyed, they'll have to get over it. They've hurt you. Why are your feelings less important than theirs? You compromised on your own wedding precisely to avoid putting your family in this position. Now it's your sister's turn, and she's chosen to prioritise location. You can still wish her well and celebrate her marriage without being at the wedding.

Original poster
destinationisland · 06/12/2022 02:39

Thanks all for the replies so far. My family is very quick to make me the unreasonable one and the replies here are validating for my husband and I.
His parents are the priority for us and funnily enough, they don't ever place any real demands on us!

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 06/12/2022 02:42

5K for your family? Have you actually priced flights lately? You'd be lucky to get it anywhere near that. More like 5k for one person, maybe two.

If you can't afford it, don't go.

EpicChaos · 06/12/2022 02:49

You could save that money for better things - the way prices are rising and with 2 young kids to feed and clothe, i'm sure that you can think of many better uses for it.
If you can afford to leave it aside for a holiday, leave it for a few years, then take the kids to disneyworld for a proper ' family ' holiday.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 06/12/2022 02:57

This seems like such an easy 'no' to me. 30-40 hours worth of flights (!), 2 small kids, many ££££££. It's just a very easy 'no, sis'.

It's all so silly and like something that belongs to a far more financially secure time.

Personally I would have suggested that you and your husband elope for your own wedding rather than asking people to travel to Thailand (and I kind of maybe see that she might be a bit disgruntled that you're now anti-destination weddings) but that's history now.

Britinme · 06/12/2022 03:04

I (Brit) and my husband (American) got married in America for immigration reasons. We had a 'not the wedding' party before we left and invited all the Brits who we would have loved to have at our wedding but we knew couldn't afford it. I can't fathom expecting people to spend that kind of money to get to a wedding. YANBU.

Raddyradiator · 06/12/2022 03:06

Unless you and your family are really well off, I can’t see how your sister can expect you to spend this much money on flights to attend her wedding. If you decide to get married abroad (especially in such a far flung destination) you cannot expect everyone to be able to attend. A trip like that for a family of 4 could easily cost £10k for just a week.And it’s not the sort of destination you can just go to for a couple of days with young kids in tow. No way would I subject my DC to that! Absolute madness!

it would not be unreasonable of you to tell her you can’t go. Best of luck

Sunglasses8 · 06/12/2022 03:07

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in not wanting to go, but if you did, combine it with a visit to Australia? I don’t know which pacific island you’re going to - let’s say it’s Bora Bora or Fiji. Both fly from Aus and aren’t a fortune from there? Once you’ve paid for the flight to Sydney, that’s the big spend.

WindyHedges · 06/12/2022 03:11

Please prioritise your husband seeing his mother. I’ve sen the deep regret when someone doesn’t/can’t get back to the Southern Hemisphere for a dying parent. He needs to go to see his mother.

anyonenowheremypenis · 06/12/2022 03:26

I’d be really pissed off with being dispatched from the main house to up the road. Don’t go.

deeperthanallroses · 06/12/2022 03:26

You are expected to spend more than you can afford, suck up the gross inequality in attitude between you are sister, go on their flight to help them with long haul (what about your own children? Any sane person says long haul flights are tough and we will be busy with our own children here!) and then… miss just about everything about the wedding because you have been sent to stay half a mile away with two young children and no car.
dear sister, we just can’t come to your wedding. We can’t afford it and we won’t get to enjoy it even if we could. You have enormous expectations, we can’t help you on the flights because we will have to look after our own dc, we will miss just about the whole event staying in the accomm you’re shoving us out to and frankly I feel like you’re only having us there for when we can be useful. We hope you have a great time.

as for your parents, dear mum and dad, I’m shocked by the difference in your attitude between my wedding and sisters. You said you wouldn’t even come to mine if it wasn’t convenient, but are bending over backwards for sisters destination wedding. I never realised so clearly how I’m not loved as much. I won’t be going to the wedding, we simply can’t afford it.

and what are you doing for Christmas? Make sure it is you dh and your family unit having a great time and any family expectations can go jump.

deeperthanallroses · 06/12/2022 03:27

To add, I live in Australia, my dc were born in the uk, and I grew up in several continents. I’m very comfortable taking dc on long haul flights and still think you should tell them all to fuck off.

Appleblum · 06/12/2022 03:36

It doesn't sound like you can afford it and that's a totally acceptable reason not to attend.