AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

[destinationisland]

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

Of course don't go. And I know the kind of fallout it will cause. Make your decision and do the broken record thing. My guess is that everyone who is supposed to go is dreading it, and will give you such a hard time because they are envious you won't do it!

Research a really fancy dinner after they get back, somewhere special - a couple of my dream destinations are the Chinese restaurant in The Shard in London, or the Sir Charles Napier in the Chilterns. Tell them you want to take them to this place when they're back to celebrate. Then enjoy not doing this completely ridiculous trip.

You're massively over thinking this OP. A simple message to say "while we would have loved to attend, the cost both financially and in terms of our annual leave entitlement, means it isn't possible." Then forget about it. Any drama is wasted energy.

This. You sound like the less favoured family member

We, yeah, your sister sounds awful. Under no circumstances should you go to her ridiculous wedding.

YANBU, please don't go because of family expectations especially given your family history over your own wedding.
You'd be giving up a newer car & a chance to see MIL to spend time (& thousands of pounds) on possibly horrendous flights & a 'holiday' where you aren't even welcome to stay in the main villa.
No thanks.
Your parents & brother's decision is entirely their own, stand firm.

You won't make amazing memories either! The whole thing is a complete nonsense.

That is all being said by people who holiday in Majorca. Travel time can easily be 30-40 hours to a remote Pacific destination. And I seriously doubt that you could get flights that fit in with your schedule for £5K. Just been looking at UK-Australia flights and £5K for 4 is barely possible.

Gave you priced going to see MIL for 2/3 weeks over the dates of the wedding and travelling out to the wedding for a few days from and back to Aus?

Dont go. They have already indicated how you will be treated if you attend.

Dont waste good money just to be poorly treated.

I got married abroad, in the EU though. Some people couldn’t make it and that was completely understandable, a few family members were very rude about how it should be here so they could go but I didn’t expect them to go at all, honestly me and DH would have been happy if it was just the two of us. Just say no. I understand the family fall out, it’s awful in my family if you ever say no to anything but you just have to take it, stay calm and stick to your guns!

They don't want you or your children there.

If they did, they would have organised a different wedding.

It's harsh, and they will regret it, but please don't spend all that money and risk not being able to see your MIL.

Nobody is going to have a good time at that wedding, except maybe the child free people in the main villa.

Price up the flights then Simply calmly say. "We would have loved to have have been three but this is just out of our price range". Don't even mention a price range, they will be cross, they will vent but they will get over it. Don't mention your wedding at all. Just sorry we don't have that money. It's a crazy amount to ask from anyone.

I bet your sister hasn't got small kids either!

I feel agitated on your behalf just reading this OP. You have every right to decline and prioritise your DH and his mum. Destination weddings are all well and good but there should never be an expectation of anyone else to attend, they're incredibly selfish and entitled. YANBU

I would just say

Sis, I love you and I have spent many hours agonising over this trying to see if we can make this work but we just cannot come to your wedding. We cannot afford it but beyond that the travel time and logistics of attending just make it impossible for us to attend. We would love to watch it on live streaming if that can be arranged and will treat you and your husband to a nice dinner when you get back'

Definitely don't go! YANBU. Abroad wedding means accept some can't afford!

She sounds like a nightmare 🙃

Go on your own and insist on a spot in the main villa. If they say there's no room, then sleep on an airbed and pay less/not at all.

Use the money you have saved for your DH to go and visit his mum.

No one has money to waste on someone else's vanity wedding right now. If I'm paying 5K for a holiday, I'll be choosing it myself, thank you.

YABU

I think destination weddings are incredibly selfish anyway.

But you had one yourself and expected people to pay out for your wedding and now you think it’s unreasonable to do the same for someone else.

You could have had a private ceremony where you live and then had a small celebration in each country if you wanted both sides to celebrate.

You didn’t chose to get married in Thailand as a favour to anyone, you wanted a destination wedding.

It comes across as you’re actually a bit jealous and I feel like you’re using MIL as an excuse - if she was ill why are you waiting for your DH’s birthday to go, surely you should be going asap?

Destination weddings mean that not everyone can go.
So if you can’t go, then don’t.
But I do think it would create a lot of tension considering you had your own destination wedding.

Your savings are for your important family things e.g car, 40th, poorly MIL

If you stretch yourself to go and things don't go well on the trip (for the many very likely reasons pp's have mentioned) then you will resent your Dsis when you need that money and have to borrow.

It will be far more than £5000 by the time you have the accommodation, spending money (assuming it's week long trip) etc.

I would be surprised if they didn't have some kind of wedding bash back home which you can go to. If not, take them out for a meal.

Wish them an amazing wedding and buy them an experience or trip they can use while out there.

I wouldn't go into specifics as there are actually many reasons. Just say you and your DH have weighed everything up and it's just not possible.

No need to feel bad. Heck, when you've spent your savings for your sister and need to borrow, then you'll feel really bad. It's a no-brainer for me.

There is no way I would be going!

The only thing I think you're being unreasonable about is to mind that you'd be staying half a mile away. That's nothing! Like 10 minutes walking.
But anyway, they're being unreasonable to get married so far away. I wouldn't want a 30 hour flights with small kids. The jet lag would be awful - as would the cost. This is a much bigger deal than a half a mile walk.

If you choose a destination wedding, you accept people won’t come or you pay for them to do so. Dh has no family. We got married abroad but paid for everyone’s (my family) entire stay. People will still need to buy things for a holiday and give up their holiday time.
It sounds hellish with kids. You’ve been downgraded to another hotel or wherever. Just don’t go. You’d be mad to consider it tbh.

No I wouldn’t go. It was expensive enough without now the added pressure of not staying in the villa. You have your own family and you have to now put them first. Don’t get me wrong if my DB decided to do this I would walk to be there if it was the only choice. But that is cos we are extremely close and in reality I know he wouldn’t do this. Weddings abroad are a personal thing. It is the bride and groom choice. But going to it is your choice and I would most def be saying sorry but it is too much expense and hassle with young DC.

Honestly, I wouldn't go, especially with young children.

Don't go by yourself as some have suggested. It will still cost the guts of £2k - which is a family holiday to somewhere sunny- and you'll be the unpaid babysitter, particularly don't go to sleep on an airbed.

An exception might be if your DPs pay all of your expenses, but I'd get them to book and pay for the flights if that's the case ( expect to be sat beside everyone else's DCs).

I think it's more the point that she's been kicked out of the accommodation so that her sister's friends can stay there and she's just been tossed out on her ear to make her own arrangements. Id be pretty insulted.