AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

[destinationisland]

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

I am all for destination weddings, but I always attached that to the knowledge they would likely be very small in guest numbers. It is vvv unreasonable for your family to pressure you to be there, whilst paying for none of it. On top of your MIL being ill and so far away, there's absolutely no way I'd be going to the wedding. It's just a wedding. Also I would feel absolutely free imo to tell your sister the house situation is hugely insulting. Your family treat you like shit don't they. Save your guilt, this is on them.

I wouldn't go, DH and MIL come first this time especially when on a limited budget in a cost of living crisis.

Be prepared for a massive backlash though, it really does sound as though you and your sister are treated differently and they didn't treat your DH and his family well with your wedding. If Thailand was too far or too expensive they could have asked to research different options to do the best to accommodate both sides.

Are your parents contributing significantly to your sisters wedding and paying for your brother to go?

It also sounds like you going is convenient as you are expected to look after others. Don't pay through the nose for the privilege of being the help. Ensure you are on different flights.

The only way I'd have a wedding like this is if I was filthy rich and paying for people to go and be as comfortable as possible.

If your family get angry at this then quite frankly, they are arseholes. How can they not see the issues?

This - it's a kick in the teeth. How many does the main villa hold?

"Please don't even try and guilt trip us into going. The answer will still be no"

I get the rest of your family is going so there is pressure.

Is it actually affordable? Do you really want to spend that kind of money on a holiday that isn't even on your terms? 5k just for flights, you'll potbqbly fork out another 5 for accommodation and meals/spending?

I'd face the 'wrath' of the family and say no. Don't haemorrhage money on something that's dictated by someone else.

I DESPISE destination weddings. Never thought I would. I pulled out of one this year (a cousin) and spent that money on new stone worktops for my house instead. My extended family have barely spoken to me since and I couldn't care less. It was all for insta. All these constant insta pics of perfection. 3 months later I still see throwback to the wedding pics. You know what, still don't care and so glad I didn't go. My own immediate family spent an average 8k each. And boy do they regret it!

@TheSilentPicnic hsve you actually been to the South Pacific because I have and it takes a bloody long time. We flew to LA:10-11 hours. We stayed in LA before flying to Tahiti but had we gone straight to Tahiti there would have been a long layover in LAX (up to nine hours). We then flew to Tahiti. Another nine hours. We stayed on Tahiti but for people going to Moorea or Bora Bora that’s another layover and then a ferry (to Moorea) or a flight to Bora Bora.

I wouldn’t go. I would be calm, state my reasons why (including the rubbish Accommodation) and wish them well.

who’s paying for your broke brother and what accommodation is he in?

I can’t imagine my parents or brothers putting me through this.

What am I reading?! I cannot believe you're considering going! No one has the power over you. You do what you want. i wouldnt consider the flight time, the expense, the driving to the venue, all of it. Even if i were rich I wouldn't go. Just say, " I'm sorry I cannot afford to go. Have a lovely wedding." You do not need to be there. You are not the one getting, you're just the audience.

The guilt you experience at saying no will be short-lived, but the resentment you will feel if you have to endure that flight with two small kids, pay a fortune and have to stay separately to rest of wedding party and spend the money you could have on a trip to see your husband's family, will stay with you much longer

This!!! You would be insane to go, it's a ridiculous amount of time and money for someone else's wedding.

This

I cannot imagine being the bride and expecting others to fork out this kind of money at any time. Let alone in a cost of living crisis.

I absolutely would not have the audacity to be annoyed at anyone that was not able to make it for any reason at all.

Exactly - compensation for him not having all the family there for his wedding.

I don't actually think that's you being selfish anyway - but sometimes you have to think about yourself.

In the interests of keeping the peace (which I’m assuming you want to?) I wouldn’t get into all the reasons, your wedding, kicking you out of the villa etc etc.

Just a blunt “with the cost of living crisis, we can’t afford this. Gutted to miss it obviously. Shall we go out for a special dinner when you’re back to celebrate?”.

Dont get drawn into discussing the finances in detail - they’ll tell you to book ahead/book last minute/get a discount etc etc and try to claim you can afford it.

Dont discuss your actual income and expenditures - none of their business! - and they’ll try to tell you to just put more money aside etc. Just again a blunt “we can’t afford this”.

Dont let them offer to “help” with the flights or anything. You literally cannot afford to spend any more than £200 on your sisters wedding, which will cover a nice dinner to celebrate and that’s it. So unless your parents will cover absolutely all the costs you cannot go.

if you need to, imply your mortgage rate or rent is going up, that would be believable at the moment.

DH and I both have difficult family members and cheerfully blame each other in this kind of situation - he doesn’t really care if my aunt blames him for something and it keeps my family relationships easier!

My guess is they're not keen on having two young DC in the main villa! ... They sound a selfish bunch YANBU ... What a worry for your DH regarding your MIL. There's your main reason not to go.

We got married in Samoa but did not expect family to come. We just had a party on our return. Flights costs are significantly higher now. It's no easy ride getting to these far away places either!

For people who say it can't be 40 hours. It can. It depends which island off the main island you are staying on. You then have to wait sometimes half a day to board another small aircraft which along with you is usually carrying chickens or a pig. Yes live ones in the cabin!

‘In that part of the world’??!! Do you have the remotest idea how big the world is? It’s not a short bus ride from a Pacific island to Sydney. Dear God.

The other thing is that there is no talk of any celebration locally so if we miss this we miss celebrating their wedding with them in any form.

She's made her choice. I've been to a few destination weddings when younger and i won't go to another. Spending thousands to make someone else's dream come true? Nah.

I got married in my home town because having my family and friends there was more important than getting married on a nondescript beach hundreds of miles away that meant nothing to anyone.

Also no idea why people are so focused on trying to prove op wrong about the travel time. Whether it's 15 hours, or 20, or 40 hours, it's not exactly around the corner.

There is NO WAY I would go. It’s not even funny… in this economic climate, no way would I spend the is kind of money and go for such kind of trouble for some wedding. Unless maybe it’s my daughter’s or son’s wedding, but even in this case I wouldn’t be able to magic money out of the thin air. I’m sorry but I don’t know why you can’t say NO to this madness

Yanbu
We got married abroad, no one came, not the parents, siblings or friends. We couldn't pay for them and they could t afford it. Our choice and we just had a party when we got back.
You won't enjoy it because likely you will spend the whole time resenting your sister and the fact she made you travel so far and spend so much money.

I absolutely wouldn't go but don't make this about your wedding. You are valid to feel that way put pushing it makes you look jealous and petty.

You don't need to mention it because distance, cost, inconvenience and lack of healthcare with small DC - plus the slap in the face to your husband who can't see his own family if you spend here - are all reasons enough to decline.

Talk to your husband about your feelings regarding your own wedding but don't let it go down as you being too jealous to come.

Well the good news about not being housed in the main villa is that they won't have included you in the calculations for it's costs, so they aren't losing anything by you not going.

I bet your DPs will start offering chunks of money towards it when you say you aren't going, but even if some of it was paid it sounds like you're expected to look after everyone else's DCs and be some sort of indentured servant . I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole now.

Don't go, and tell them why - not just the money but also how your DH sacrificed having his family at your wedding as they refused to travel further than down the road (assuming there's no backstory here like one of them was really ill at the time).

Alternatively, could you go alone?

Absolutely. Just had holiday in Costa Rica - very easy in comparison, and total journey time door-to-door was 20 hours. Even longer on return with a 4 hour flight delay at Houston. Wouldn’t dream of doing that with young kids.

I would never have even considered going in the first place. It sounds absolutely awful. I wouldn't have had a moment's guilt about refusing.