AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

[destinationisland]

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

I would consider going on my own - I’m sure your sister could squeeze just you into the main villa. It would mean flight costs would be much smaller. Same thing happened in my husband’s family when his brother married abroad. His other brother couldn’t afford for the whole family to fly over but he came across on his own. I can’t imagine missing my sister’s wedding - if you’re close you may regret not going later on. Why not have a little break away and spend some time with your brother, patents and sister without worrying about making the trip with kids in tow?

I do also feel sorry for your husband. My OH is Aussie and we live here so completely understood having a wedding here would limit attendees. My SIL, BIL and 2 nephews weren't going to attend but covid put a halt on it anyway. I held no resentment but was really pleasantly surprised at the 4 friends planning to come over from Europe. My DH also understood why we couldn't invite his whole extended family.

Even if i shit money, there's no way I would pay 5k to attend a wedding,
Yanbu. Tell her you'll look forward to the pictures on facey and wish her well.

Weddings and families are so difficult. Whilst the wedding was local my sister made us feel so unimportant, and made everything difficult for us ahead of her big day because it was very much only about it being her big day and it’s pretty much sealed our relationship now.
I would be wishing them well but staying home and if there is any fallout that’s on them not you!

Don’t go Op. it’s too much to ask and they should understand that. If it means that all your money gets sucked up in this then that’s not fair on your family. I’d just say sorry but you just can’t justify the huge expense given you have other financial family priorities.

Don’t go. There’s enough to spend your money on with two children. Just say no, you’ve other commitments for the money. But don’t allow your sister to fall out with you over it and emotionally blackmail you. There’s something very entitled about destination weddings, hen parties, milestone birthdays etc.

No way I would travel that long for a wedding with two young children. Don't go!

With transit times and flights to smaller pacific islands - this is reasonable.

YANBU Honestly that’s too much to expect, I can’t imagine expecting my family to manage that especially these days. Don’t go, be confident in yourselves and know that you have every right to make that decision, and have more than good enough reasons. You can explain why and that should be enough. Have faith that putting your own family first is enough. Good luck

Despite all of this fabulous advice and encouragement, I fear as the op can just about afford it, she will go ahead.

Cue spending most of their time on the periphery being located outside the main villa and traipsing around with children that the non parents don't want around.

I would be 100% dropping out.
you have perfect excuses.
I’d be saying you can’t afford it, and having to stay a mile away from everyone else has toppled the scales and you’re not going.
you also need to keep the holiday leave and money for emergencies encase you need a trip to Australia !! In fact I’d be booking and going there instead to visit your mother in law before she becomes too poorly, build some memories with your children etc..
Anyone who says ‘suck it up’ I would point out to them that you had to have your own wedding locally to suit your family and yet no one thinks anything of trying to force you to attend a wedding which will financially and emotionally cripple you!
I wouldn’t have even considered that long flight with 2 children if I’m honest and would’ve said from the announcement that I wouldn’t be in attendance and wish them both a lovely time.
what a cheek tbh!!…. I think you should’ve told your family no and you should’ve got married in Australia.
I’ll have a read of your responses now so don’t answer again if you’ve already answered this…. But what island takes that long to fly to?? Australia is only 24 hours and on the complete opposite side of the world to me… or is it so long on a plane then equally as long on a boat? You children are going to be bored out of their minds travelling that long!’ Sounds like torture for you as a family unit

I wouldn't go. You've heard all the reasons so I won't repeat them. Save your money and go to Butlins for a rest. The kids would love it. Good luck.

When my sister got married we drive 400 miles with two small children. We spent about 500 pounds in all and enjoyed every minute. However.. if it had been abroad at a cost of 5000 we would not have attended. Because we just could not afford that and the travel with two children would be so stressful.
YANBU at all. I would wish them well and offer apologies that you can't attend.

It isn't flying time though is it, it's all stops. 24 hrs max

@FleasNavidad a series of flights will take a long time because you get on and off, and wait in between. Presumably you are not accustomed to long flights because if you were you would know this. Flying cheaply is a long-winded deal.

All I’ll say @TheSilentPicnic is…. Brace yourself!

I'm always astonished how people manage to get so many people to go abroad for their wedding. It costs LOADS of money for something that would otherwise essentially be free! Not to mention time off work etc..Can't imagine many ppl doing it for me.

The idea of a 'destination wedding' is so tacky and selfish! It's bad enough that one day turns normally sane people (mostly women) into monsters who HAVE to have everything their way or their lives are ruined forever, but to suggest guests spend that much money and time... The carbon footprint is appalling, quite aside from anything else. (You say there are no cars in this part of the island - does that mean it's a sort of reserve, or just the back of beyond? Doesn't sound like an ideal place to have a wedding, TBH.) And your sister will just be contributing to a crappy, empty industry in a very unsustainable way. There are so many lovely and unusual places to get married in the UK. Or even closer to home than the Pacific!

Why on earth can't she and her fiance just bugger off out there, get wed, come back home and have a great party, perhaps with another ceremony?

She's not really showing you much sisterly love, is she - shoving you out of the main villa and basically leaving you to fend for youself? In all honesty, I wouldn't go. Not with children that young, that length of trip and the current clusterfuck of climate crisis + cost of living crisis.

I wouldn't go.
I was in a similar situation but financially I'd have had to put myself and children into debt to attend so just said it wasn't a possibility. There was a bit of a strop over it as we are all part of her wedding party but after she calmed down enough to think clearly I think she saw what a ridiculous expectation it was.
Hopefully it will be the same for you

YANBU VOTE HERE !!!

My family like yours is very centred around pleasing my siblings (both are boys). Therefore I have had this very similar situation. I did not go and I got a lot of blow back for it. It still gets mentioned 5 years later that I did not attend there celebrations as a bitc*y comment. So please be aware that this could also happen with you. However I do just ignore it and explain that I had my valid reasons and if they wanted me there, they could of made different decisions. Putting the ball firmly back in their court for fault.

I do completely understand it's hard to put your foot down and insist that the cost of the wedding in annual leave, price for flights and now accommodation is just too high, and not possible for you to find within your budget. I understand destination celebrations but at the end of the day when you make that choice you also forfeit having all friends and loved ones there.

I know how hard it is to do especially because of parents but I would be firm, don't fall out with them over it, just explain the VALID reasons (uses all your leave, DH might need to visit extremely poorly mother, the actual price of flights, food and accommodation, the children on an extremely long flight) you have for not being able to attend. It may be an immediate family members wedding but that doesn't initial them to dictate that you must attend.
Keep strong OP.

99% of people have said you shouldn't go, OP.

Job done.

i'll lock up and switch off the lights.

Absolutely up to them where they get married. Destination weddings can be fab. But in doing so they have to understand that there may be people who cannot go. It is also unreasonable to expect you to pay this much money to go.

If it was closer to home in terms of travel and less costly then I’d likely go. But as it stands I probably would tell your sister that you can’t go. It’s hard because it’s close family, but then being that close I would have thought about the logistics of getting loved ones there in terms of financial means and time/accessibility.

I also understand completely the frustration you must feel about your own wedding. You compromised to ensure your family could go at the expense of your DH’s family, only for your sister to have an elaborate wedding with no connection to the destination. This whole situation is unfair.

I would not be going. Good luck OP.

If people insist on a destination wedding they have to be prepared to accept that not everyone can come.

Just say sorry you can't afford it and frankly if I were you I would not be able to stop myself from reminding them how they reacted to your original wedding plans.

This! For sure!!!! It's a spot on response. Don't give it a further moments thought.

Nothing to add but it's the easiest YANBU I've voted on.....stay at home & be prepared for any car / mil emergency.
👍

Don't go. When you have definitely made that decision, you will feel immense relief.
Just respond official in writing. Explain you are "unable to attend" . There's no need to offer reasons. As Royalty do, " Never complain, never explain"