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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

515 replies

destinationisland · 05/12/2022 23:51

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 06/12/2022 03:37

Hi OP,
Your post seems to suggest that you should go to Australia if your MIL becomes gravely ill or dies.
I would suggest you go soon while your family can get the most out of seeing MIL and she you, even if that means you can't return if she becomes very ill or dies. Perhaps your husband could go on his own if that happened or nobody go and send your love.

Your sisters wedding wouldn't come into it for me. We did miss SIL'S destination wedding. Completely out of our league cost wise.

Alleycat1 · 06/12/2022 03:37

YANBU! It is ridiculous for your family to expect you to fork out £5,000 plus for this. You will now have to pay for accommodation too. Then there is a wedding gift and climate- appropriate clothing, food, drinks for the week etc.
Definitely remind them (forcefully) of the hoo -ha that ensued when you suggested your own destination wedding.

lovemelovemesaythatyouloveme · 06/12/2022 04:00

I wouldn't go.

garlictwist · 06/12/2022 04:20

Can you just go on your own?

user1477391263 · 06/12/2022 04:25

Winter2020 · 06/12/2022 03:37

Hi OP,
Your post seems to suggest that you should go to Australia if your MIL becomes gravely ill or dies.
I would suggest you go soon while your family can get the most out of seeing MIL and she you, even if that means you can't return if she becomes very ill or dies. Perhaps your husband could go on his own if that happened or nobody go and send your love.

Your sisters wedding wouldn't come into it for me. We did miss SIL'S destination wedding. Completely out of our league cost wise.

I agree with this. Put your money towards a nice Australia trip instead so your husband can spend time with Mum. And forget the vanity wedding.

isthismylifenow · 06/12/2022 04:28

No ways would I be going.

I did a 26 hr flight with a teen and that was bad enough.

Just because your sibling is going, doesn't mean you have to. You have different priorities.

And your sister is being ridiculous to expect everyone to pay out for this.

Original poster
destinationisland · 06/12/2022 04:38

Completely agree with everyone saying DH's mother is the priority. We actually flew to see her earlier in the year and the flight was worse than we could have imagined. Terrible jet leg both directions since we had no downtime on the plane looking after DC and we all caught covid on the way back!

We would have been ok with forgoing the new (second hand) car, but staying away from the main house, in addition to the difficult journey has has seriously reconsidering. My brother's DC are older and will get more out of the trip, let alone actually remember it, which our youngest won't.

I have thought about going myself. Our oldest is 6 and will be disappointed if her cousins go and she doesn't but will get over it. The more I think about it, the more I'd rather just get them a nice present and send our regrets.

I always thought we were close but kicking us out of the main house so her (childfree) friends can stay and party has honestly hurt me so much. I don't expect them to make concessions for us, but I don't think they appreciate how much more difficult it is for us to be a 15 minute + walk away. The other thing is that there is no talk of any celebration locally so if we miss this we miss celebrating their wedding with them in any form.

OP posts:
Bunnynames101 · 06/12/2022 04:41

I would not be going to that wedding. I'd even start making plans to emigrate to live in aus with husband's family.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 06/12/2022 04:47

yanbu, don't go. they don't care about making it practical for you to be there and it's much more appropriate for you to spend the time and money on a visit to DH's family rather than wasting it on tagging along to a destination wedding where your presence isn't particularly wanted. it's perfectly reasonable to say that you were willing to stretch to pay for the flights when the accommodation on-site was going to be provided, but you can't stretch further to cover additional accommodation expenses too. it was made quite clear to you for your own wedding that close family wouldn't be obliged to travel if you chose a non-uk venue so it's in no doubt whatsoever that there's no obligation for you to go to this one.

Turangawaewae · 06/12/2022 04:53

Flight capacity to NZ isn't back to normal. We're paying 2 to 2.5k GBP each return to the UK at the moment. Plus routes are tricky and take longer than before. Some Pacific Islands don't have daily fights. So it could easily take over 40 hours.

There is no way I'd take two small kids on that trip for a destination wedding OP. You'll spend the whole time jetlagged.

ComfortablyDazed · 06/12/2022 04:57

KenAdams · 06/12/2022 00:50

Nowhere is 40 hours away. I have family in the Pacific Islands and its 24 hours tops.

Is it Tahiti or the Cook Islands? If so, you'll struggle to get there for £5k total flights - we've just paid almost £4kpp to the above destination, flying economy! Its taken us over a decade of building DC up to longer and longer flights to do it as well, no way would I try with very young DC.

Sorry, but you are just wrong.

~12 hours to stopover one (LA, Hong Kong, Kuala Lumpur or wherever).

X hours at stopover place (anywhere between 1 and 5-ish hours).

~12 hours to Southern hemisphere destination (Sydney, Melbourne, Auckland or wherever).

X hours sitting in that airport waiting for the flight to the Pacific.

3 hour flight to the Pacific. And then if you’re going to a popular wedding destination like Aitutaki, it’s another stopover and another flight. But even without that, easily 30-40 hours.

OP - YANBU, and I say this as someone who had our wedding on the other side of the world. We didn’t expect anyone to come, and we paid for everyone’s accommodation.

Your sister is being a next-level CF.

You have the perfect excuse (for what of a much better word), in your MIL and her ill health. That is without doubt your priority.

QueenImprov · 06/12/2022 05:04

The guilt you experience at saying no will be short-lived, but the resentment you will feel if you have to endure that flight with two small kids, pay a fortune and have to stay separately to rest of wedding party and spend the money you could have on a trip to see your husband's family, will stay with you much longer.

Your sister is being extremely selfish in my opinion having a wedding so far away with no reason except she liked it, she should go there on honeymoon if she liked it so much!

starrynight21 · 06/12/2022 05:12

Kidsx6 · 06/12/2022 00:04

Where in the world is a 30-40 hour flight from anywhere nowadays???
Yabu. Just don't go.

It's easy to spend that much time in the air if you're going to an island like OP . My son just flew from Sydney to Sumatra for a surfing holiday and he was in the air ( three different flights) for 36 hours.

HowVeryBizarre · 06/12/2022 05:15

Ridiculous expectation. I would not go and say you just can’t afford it. If it takes the heat off a bit you could say your DH’s mum’s health is declining faster than expected so you just can’t be left in the situation where you can’t afford an Australian trip. My sister missed my wedding, she was a 24 hour flight away. She could have afforded to come, she chose not to, no hard feelings - it’s a long way. Apart from anything I wouldn’t do that flight with young children.

autienotnaughty · 06/12/2022 05:19

I'd literally say you can't afford it. If your parents or sister really want you there they can may for your to attend.

onlythreenow · 06/12/2022 05:20

YANBU - if people want to have a destination wedding they can, but they can't expect people, including family, to pay a fortune to attend it. However, if you do decide to go I agree with a pp - why not include a visit to MIL while you are in that part of the world while she is still well enough to enjoy your visit?

autienotnaughty · 06/12/2022 05:20

Pay not may !

FleasNavidad · 06/12/2022 05:23

"I always thought we were close but kicking us out of the main house so her (childfree) friends can stay and party has honestly hurt me so much."

This is the main thing, forget all the stuff with your wedding a decade ago, it's gone. Why are you so arsed about what your brother "expects". Why does he have expectations of you, he's not your dad! Weird.

Just say no, MIL isn't well and we can't afford to do both

TheSilentPicnic · 06/12/2022 05:25

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randomusername666 · 06/12/2022 05:25

Kidsx6 · 06/12/2022 00:04

Where in the world is a 30-40 hour flight from anywhere nowadays???
Yabu. Just don't go.

You have no idea how long it takes to get from Northern hemisphere to southern hemisphere destinations. Its not just flying time, add in hours hanging around for connections.

Agree, just don't go. It'll be a nightmare for your children as well.

MangosteenSoda · 06/12/2022 05:25

starrynight21 · 06/12/2022 05:12

It's easy to spend that much time in the air if you're going to an island like OP . My son just flew from Sydney to Sumatra for a surfing holiday and he was in the air ( three different flights) for 36 hours.

Show quote history

Did he travel by biplane? Because that travel time for that itinerary makes no sense at all.

lifeinthehills · 06/12/2022 05:27

Trying to remember how long it took us to do a similar trip. There was one leg of 12 hours, one leg of 11 hours. That's just in the air. So that's already 23 hours. With stop overs and check in times and so on, you'd easily get to 30 hours.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 06/12/2022 05:29

I would not go. The travel and stress with children would be horrendous. The jet lag and turn around time is enough for me to say no, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it pre kids but I know I really wouldn’t enjoy it now. Also is it safe to walk the half mile after dark? Would there be a driver.

ComfortablyDazed · 06/12/2022 05:30

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Yes it is…………………….?

Twiglets1 · 06/12/2022 05:43

She is being a Bridezilla and YANBU. I would send my regrets saying the worry about finding suitable accommodation and the additional cost has proved the final straw. What an entitled cow she is.