AIBU being annoyed about my sister's destination wedding

[destinationisland]

My sister is planning a wedding next year in the Pacific Islands. This is a 30 -40 hour flight away and will cost my family at least £5k in flights alone to get there.

We can barely afford this but were happy to go anyway for the experience and the memories. My sister just told me we need our own accommodation as there is no longer room for us in the main villa. We have been suggested to stay half a mile away. It's probably important to mention we have two children under 6 and there are no cars on this part of the island.

This change was enough for me to reconsider going but my brother (broke, single father) and parents are going and think we just need to suck it up and go.

The thing that really bothers me is that when my husband and I were planning a wedding in Thailand 10 years ago (he is Australian, so it was in middle for both our families), we were told we were being selfish and the wedding must be in my home town if we wanted my parents to come.nMy sister and future brother in law acknowledged all the stress we went through planning our wedding and trying to keep everyone happy.

We said we have moved on and are happy for them but the more I think about it the more annoyed I get (they have no connection to the pacific - just enjoyed it on their holiday one year). My husband literally only had his immediate family at our wedding because it was a big ask and expense to expect his friends to come all the way over here. My MIL is ill and we may need to fly to Australia at short notice but this wedding will take up all our holiday leave and spare funds.

TBH I wish they would just elope and have a small party at home later but I am not sure if I am being unreasonable?

Another vote for not going.

Even if you get kickback from your sister and parents, you’d still be doing the right thing (for your immediate family) by saving the holiday time and money.

If she needs your parents to help pay for her flights then the whole idea is stupidly extravagant anyway. She’s not one of Ecclestone’s daughters!

Why can’t they just get married at home and go there for a honeymoon…if they must go at all.
It’s beyond unreasonable to drag your young children there to satisfy your sister’s fantasy. Seems your sister can’t even afford it herself if she is expecting her parents to pay for their flights.
It just doesn’t make sense at all in terms of you and your family’s health, finances, time …..and it’s so unnecessarily bad for the planet. And how bad would your MIL and your DH family feel knowing that you did this when she is longing to see you all while she still can.
Follow your instincts OP, and don’t feel bad about it. It’s a crazy, very selfish idea and will cost you a lot more than 5k.
Decline graciously. Yours reasons are perfectly valid and you don’t need to apologise for them.

Im flying to nz next week. 12 hours to Singapore. Two hour switch around. 9 hours to Auckland. So less than 30 hours. But it has set us back around £12k for flights. Prices are insane. Family of 4. Economy flights. But it is summer there so high season.

YANBU - don’t go. For all the reasons others have given. I realise you’ll face family pressure but really destination weddings imo are a bit of assumption in terms of time and expense. As other op said, take them for dinner.

I think her friends have told her that they can't afford to go (don't blame them - I wouldn't spend that much money, and travel time, on a friend's wedding either). Your sister/her partner have then panicked and had a strop, as it's then not the day they imagined (i.e lots of people being there, and celebrating/fussing over them).
They've then compromised with their friends, and offered them the main venue, to make it more affordable for them/they could ensure people would actually go (they could also have done that by just having the wedding much closer to home ...).

You, and your family are the collateral dage in this - sister hasn't thought about you, and just chucked you out, and you are her sister/family, and so it is just expected you will be there. (In her mind, this way she can have you and her friends all be there.)

I wouldn't go OP. I dislike destination weddings as a whole, but would pop on a plane (if I could afford it at that time) for a long weekend away for my sister/a close friend, if they really wanted to get married in Spain or Greece (or similar distances) - no way would I extend that as far as your sister is expecting!

Be aware that your family may push back, and (kindly) offer to pay for the costs, but how would that affect your annual leave if you need to go and visit MiL in an emergency? It's not just the cost involved, it's the time as well. I understand why some people are asking if you could visit MiL while you are in that side of the world, but what if you need to go to Australia at another point in the year? It's not just as simple as you're there anyway - the timing would be dictated by your sister, and might not suit your in laws etc, or with MiL being as I'll as it sounds - you may be needed at another point in the year.

Honestly, just based on you MILs health I wouldn't go. Would you rather spend your money on her seeing her grandchildren face to face one more time or on this wedding?

Omg- tell them to jog on! It’s a cost of living crisis & ridiculous. And the flights too- I have travelled to Fiji and New Zealand and the flights are ridiculous and exhausting and I went pre kids on a gap year!!

That’s a long way and expense to expect people to go to for their wedding. I’d never expect my family to pay that, I’d contribute to the accomodation for sure in that situation

You’ve been shittily treated OP, and the expense and time needed to travel are ridiculous. Absolutely within your rights not to go.

For the sceptical, I flew from a Scottish airport to a regional airport in NZ once, 4 separate flights, and with the waiting time between flights it was 36 hours travel in total. I wouldn’t want to do that with kids.

"Well it's not 30-40hrs so you lost sympathy from me at that point. What else have you exaggerated wildly?"

@TheSilentPicnic are you always so presumptuous and rude. Of course flights to a pacific island will take upwards of 30 hours. Also 5k for a family of 4 is probably about right. The OP isn't exaggerating at all. Here's the first options for flights to Bora Bora in May - 35 hours 🙈🤣

I was originally going topiary asking if you could combine it with a holiday to visit MIL - eg fly out a few days before wedding, day after fly to MIL (I'm assuming this would be a lot shorter flight that UK - AUS?) then stay with MIL for a week or so and fly home.

But in light of your update about them kicking you out to accommodate their child free friend - fuck em. They clearly want a party wedding and your family probably won't enjoy it.

Don't go.

You don’t even know the start or end destination so how can you claim that!?!

30 hours on a plane with 2 small kids?
no no no.

id gracefully decline just on that basis

People who choose a destination wedding have to accept that some people won't be able to attend. Just say no and ride out the guilt trip from your family- it's too much of an ask with young kids.

@FleasNavidad It’s a good example and could easily get to 40 hours with travel time to the airport in the UK , check-in, wait in lounge etc and then collecting luggage, customs and travel at the other end.

OP don't go and don't let yourself be guilted. If she wanted you there so badly she'd make room for you and be paying for your flights.

This is another example of that 'Bloods thicker than water' nonsense'.

They have already ruined your wedding, so that alone should leave you with no moral conundrum about dismissing this nightmare trip out of hand. Sod what your parents think, they blackmailed you into having a wedding you didn't want.

Facts are, you are not really wanted at this wedding, it's too expensive, too much travelling and will use up annual leave that you know you'll need soon. Any one of those four reasons is reason enough to not to go.

Yes they'll be some fall out, but that's on them.

Your sick MIL is the reason you can't go to this ridiculous wedding. How does your DH feel about the whole thing? I would say £5k is a minimum cost- my friends just spent £8k on flights to NZ. I feel for you though - there will no doubt be trouble ahead xx

Previously you were paying for flights but not accommodation as you were staying at the main house? Is that right? I'd tell her the extra cost has pushed it into being unaffordable for you. Be prepared for the fall out and your parents taking her side.

Don't go, spend the energy and cash you have on celebrating your dh's 40th next year.

I wouldn't go. I live in aus and know how difficult long haul flights are even for adults. I would only fly that distance if needed I.e. to see a sick relative. Not for a wedding that doesn't need to be there.

If that is what they want, fine, but if they choose a place with such long flights it is unfair to expect others to come

Destination wedding to Spain / Greece / Italy where you can go for 4 days if necessary or a week or two if you want to make it into a holiday, is lovely. Even a week in a Mexico or Jamaica is fine - direct flight even if more expensive. Expecting family to trek to the South Pacific though is another level of ridiculous. Just say sorry, it’s too expensive and too far to travel with little ones. You’ll throw them a family party at your house when they’re back.

"Hi sis

I love you, but we just can't afford to go. The flights and accommodation are going to cost us too much. Plus travelling all that way with 2 young children is too much.

Have a wonderful time and we will celebrate with you when you get back.

Love @destinationisland "

This is pretty much what XH said to his sister word for word over her destination wedding 20 hours away.

She had a massive strop about it. So XMIL had massive strop about it, as sis was her favourite child and our motivation was clearly wanting to ruin sis's day... she couldn't see our genuine lack of desire to spend money we didn't have to give ourselves 2 weeks of hell on a holiday we didn't want.

MIL offered to pay for our flights and help with the kids when we got there. Again, not understanding the travel was prohibitive and there were more costs than the flights.

We stuck to our guns and didn't go. We had barbed comments for about 5 years for not going. Brushed them all off.

Then sil was bemoaning a difficult day with her toddler. Couldn't resist... "Can you understand now why we never came to your wedding? And we had 2 around that age."

Apparently she never had a problem with us not going, 🤣 I challenged her and reminded her of several of the things she said through the years. She tried to bluster her way through it, but she knew I'd called her out.

Not one more barbed comment.

So stick to your guns OP. Your money, your nuclear family, your life. Let them spend their money if they want to on the day they want. You don't have to be part of it.

Nope. Don’t go!