To feel I’m ‘paying’ for childcare because my friend is too mean?

[DMLady]

I should preface this by saying this is a good friend; she’s very generous in some ways — and not at all generous in others. (She’d admit it too!) We also generally both help each other out with childcare whenever we can.

Anyway, we both have DDs, both in Y4 at school. DDs are good, but not best, friends.

I pay for a childminder 4 days a week but my friend (who isn’t remotely hard up) resents paying for childcare, so relies on after school clubs and friends and family. She and her DH both work, although her DH normally WFH. For various reasons, both my DH and I are at home full time at the moment — he’s WFH, and I’m trying to start my own business.

Next week, my friend and her DH are both busy with work on one particular day, and can’t pick their DD up from school. In the past, my friend would message me to see if I was picking my DD up from school; I’d say no, she’s at her childminder’s, and that would be the end of it. This time, though, she messaged to ask if DD was with her childminder on that particular day; I said yes, and friend replied, ‘oh, I was hoping you could have my DD then. Is that okay? The girls haven’t had a play date for ages.’ The thing is, because of the way she asked, I feel I wasn’t really given an option: she KNEW my DD was meant to be at her childminders but still asked me to have HER DD.

Anyway, partly because I felt I couldn’t say no (because of how she broached it) and partly because we try to help each other out when we can, I said okay, albeit reluctantly. I also thought perhaps my friend and her DH were out late (which would mean it would be really difficult for them to find someone to help), but it turns out they only need childcare until about 5, so I really don’t understand why she just couldn’t have asked another mum for a play date. The thing that REALLY irks me though is that my friend knows I still have to pay DD’s childminder, even if DD doesn’t go — so I feel as though I’m left out of pocket just because she’s too tight to pay for childcare herself.

AIBU?

To be fair, I know this is a real first world problem. I think I’m mainly just annoyed at myself for saying yes when I didn’t really want to. I guess the other thing that worries me is that because my DH and I are now both at home full time, we’ll be seen as the easy (and free!) childcare option going forward. I REALLY don’t want that!

Just say something has come up at work and you'll be super busy working to a deadline now. DD will have to go to the childminder and you'll need to work. Simple.

She's a friend, friend's can be honest with each otherqe I'd drop into the conversation tgat you had to pay for childcare even though you didn't use it, but as it's just a one off, it was fine. She then knows not to ask again and you have something to support you saying no.

I understand what happened here... Women are brought up to be compliant, some of us do this better than others. You just fell into that woman trap. But don't crucify yourself over it, many of us repeatedly agree to do things we regret 🙄
Smile, it'll be fine and if she asks again tell her you'll get back to her, buy yourself thinking time and then respond.

Good luck, OP. You are a good friend.

I have no idea why you said yes.

Complete martyred doormat move to say yes, change your plans then moan when all you had to do was say two letters 'NO'.

Not read the full thread so going solely off your first post but I feel you've made a mountain out of a mole hill. You could have easily said no, I don't think your friend broached it in anyway that meant you couldn't say no. "Sorry I can't, like I say DD is at childminders so I'm not around".

1. You're obv not that bothered about paying for childcare as you're paying it when you could pick up yourself and save the money.

She needs to pay at least for the childminder.
I’m self employed and usually have a tight schedule. If I choose not to work during the week I end up working during the weekend.
The childminder is expensive so I need to earn that back in the time DD is there. Can you work while the kids play?

Not too late to tell her you are both too busy with with work now.

My reply would have been, "I wish I could help out but I can't this time. Hope you manage to sort it".
Done.

Her not paying for childcare and you doing so is very separate from the situation. But it seems like this is the resentment rather than her asking for some help for 1.5hrs.

It doesn’t sound like it’s very often so a one off if you’re available to help I don’t see the problem, I do these all the time with friends.

I can see and appreciate by you agreed to this, it’s difficult when you’re backed into a corner. However, I’d just send a text apologising and saying that you thought you’d be able to be available but you’re actually not & you’ll be sending your DD to childminder as planned. And end with hope you get something sorted for her DD.

Hopefully that will set a boundary.

Please say that you've changed your mind (sounds like you have) and you've contacted your friend to let them know that you're not going to be able to look after their daughter after all.

The word is 'no' or it that feels too difficult for you @DMLady

say that doesn't work - why should the CM have a more difficult job and responsibility for an extra child anyway...

You may be at home but if your setting up a business then presumably you are busy or else DD would not need a childminder. Don't understand why you didn't just say that tbh.

I don’t understand what you’re looking for from MN.

yanbu to not want her daughter round if you had planned to have your kid out the house being looked after elsewhere.

yabu because you’re now moaning about it when you accepted it in the first place.

as someone else said… a completely reversible situation.

It irks me too when you pay for childcare and someone else doesn’t. Unless you owed a favour I wouldn’t have said yes. But quite easily you can make up a reason to be busy with your new business and use your already paid for childcare 🤷‍♀️

You’re not being unreasonable and I too would be irked in your situation. Just be ready for it next time and explain to her that you’ll still have to pay the childminder anyway so no you can’t help, but would be happy to at another more convenient time.

No sympathy really. You said yes and now you’ve got the equivalent of buyers remorse. Just suck it up and put your big girl pants on next time if you don’t want to do something.

Say yes once, say it again and it becomes an expected routine. Just my observations with experience so next time, unless you're happy to, break the cycle! X

Oh dear @DMLady

you were trying to be nice

should have said dd is at cm so I can’t have your dd as have plans

could be reading a book or a bath or work stuff

why Would you pay for childcare and not use it

"Hi friend, sorry I got confused, my children are at childminders as DH and I are working until after 5pm.

You know we work too, our childminder may know other childminders if you need to organise childcare for work"

this by @IAmTi . Think it was you