To feel I’m ‘paying’ for childcare because my friend is too mean?

[DMLady]

I should preface this by saying this is a good friend; she’s very generous in some ways — and not at all generous in others. (She’d admit it too!) We also generally both help each other out with childcare whenever we can.

Anyway, we both have DDs, both in Y4 at school. DDs are good, but not best, friends.

I pay for a childminder 4 days a week but my friend (who isn’t remotely hard up) resents paying for childcare, so relies on after school clubs and friends and family. She and her DH both work, although her DH normally WFH. For various reasons, both my DH and I are at home full time at the moment — he’s WFH, and I’m trying to start my own business.

Next week, my friend and her DH are both busy with work on one particular day, and can’t pick their DD up from school. In the past, my friend would message me to see if I was picking my DD up from school; I’d say no, she’s at her childminder’s, and that would be the end of it. This time, though, she messaged to ask if DD was with her childminder on that particular day; I said yes, and friend replied, ‘oh, I was hoping you could have my DD then. Is that okay? The girls haven’t had a play date for ages.’ The thing is, because of the way she asked, I feel I wasn’t really given an option: she KNEW my DD was meant to be at her childminders but still asked me to have HER DD.

Anyway, partly because I felt I couldn’t say no (because of how she broached it) and partly because we try to help each other out when we can, I said okay, albeit reluctantly. I also thought perhaps my friend and her DH were out late (which would mean it would be really difficult for them to find someone to help), but it turns out they only need childcare until about 5, so I really don’t understand why she just couldn’t have asked another mum for a play date. The thing that REALLY irks me though is that my friend knows I still have to pay DD’s childminder, even if DD doesn’t go — so I feel as though I’m left out of pocket just because she’s too tight to pay for childcare herself.

AIBU?

To be fair, I know this is a real first world problem. I think I’m mainly just annoyed at myself for saying yes when I didn’t really want to. I guess the other thing that worries me is that because my DH and I are now both at home full time, we’ll be seen as the easy (and free!) childcare option going forward. I REALLY don’t want that!

Practise saying no as you are anticipating her asking again since you WFH.
Just say ,No xx is at childminders because I'm working .
This might be different if your daughters were best buddies but they're not.

Why on Earth did you agree to this? It makes no sense. Your dd is at her childminders so is not free. Your “friend” is using you.

This ^^

Just tell her no say DD is with childminder then that you have to pay for. She is going to have to stick her hand in her pocket and pay. Could DD childminder pick her DD up on some days if she has space?

My Gran used to say it is better to be "bad" once.

I know that you are good friends and do not want to upset your relationship, but it seems that she was too cheeky the way she asked and probably she knew that it might cause you some inconvenience.

You can message her saying that something came up very important and sadly you cannot look after her daughter. She will continue to ask you to babysit if you do not stop it now. This is different if your kids want to play together etc.

It is difficult refusing to do something but it feels like it is the right thing to do.

“No, dd is at the childminder so I can get work done. We would love to set up a weekend play date sometime.”

you use the services of a childminder for a reason. Just because you are physically in your home does not mean you are not busy. No one else will respect your time if you don’t learn to respect it yourself.

Please, please put a stop to this OP.
You have plenty of time to reverse the decision. Say both you and dh have meetings that day/ have work issues to attend to so dd will be going to childminders, so sorry let’s arrange a play date for another time. Job done.
Otherwise you’ll just keep getting asked. It’ll give other mum plenty of time to find an alternative.

Nip it in the bud now.

Some people don't think WFH counts as actually working, and will take the piss asking for childcare.

Ain’t that the truth

Are you going to respond? Thinking about it the way to deal with cfs is to play them at their own game. You said her dh wfh? Why not text her and say, you just realised you have an important appointment on that date so you can’t have her dd over but you don’t want her dd to be disappointed about a cancelled play date. Seeing as her dh wfh, maybe he could host it instead.

Thank you (most of you, anyway!) for your comments.
I wanted to clarify a couple of things. One, the ‘play date’ thing is a bit of a red herring; I wish I hadn’t mentioned it now. I didn’t agree to take my DD out of her CMs and have my friend’s DD ‘just’ so they could have a play date (not even I’m that much of a pushover); I agreed to have her because my friend and I help each other out when we can and she asked. At the time, I felt put on the spot (yes, we were messaging, it wasn’t face to face, but we were messaging back and forth so it was like a conversation) and backed into a corner (because she already knew my DD was meant to be at her CM but still asked), AND I assumed she needed me to have her DD overnight or something, which I’m probably the only mum she’d feel able to ask, so I thought it was fair enough (I’d ask her if the situation was reversed and I was really stuck). It was only when I found out later that it was only until five that I was annoyed, because there are lots of Mums (whose DC don’t go to a CM) that she could have asked for that; it didn’t need to be me.
i’m not going to cancel now — my DD is looking forward to it — but if I find myself in this situation again, I’ll check first what she needs before deciding. We do help each other out so I don’t want to cut her off altogether — and if she’s struggling I do want to help.
And for those saying there’s no point saying yes and then moaning, I agree it’s not ideal (better to say no!) but actually it can be quite healthy to vent. And you can always scroll on by if you don’t like!

You’re right. My friend definitely doesn’t think it counts. I’m happy to help her if she’s really struggling (she’d do the same for me) but I need to check in future if she is actually struggling. I think it’s the difference between being her last resort (which I’m happy to be) and her first choice (which I’m not).

Ha! Am tempted!

I’m happy to help her if she’s really struggling (she’d do the same for me)

Has she ever helped you out? It all comes across as very one-sided.

Does it seem like she thinks you aren't really working because you are starting your own business,therefore you can be flexible? She has to take what you are trying to do seriously!

I can imagine being taken aback when she asked even after you'd said DC would be with childminder. I'd call her and say just that, that you didn't really think it through and actually you need to work during the time you've paid for childcare, so can't help her out.

YANBU

You said yes. You can't then moan. Say no in future if it bothers you, you're an adult

Why say yes after you told her your DD is at her child minders, now you’ve made a rod for your own back and she will think she can do it to you whenever

You need to have better boundaries moving forward.

Your time can be unavailable even if your only plan for that afternoon was an hour to have a cup of tea and speed clean the kitchen before you pick DD up. It's not about whether you could squeeze in a favour for a cheeky friend. You are entitled to say no

How many times has she helped you to other friends out with your childcare situations Vs how much does she ask everyone else to help her out after she refuses to arrange childcare?

I think people in this thread are being a tad harsh on you. It’s not always SO easy to say no. Wouldn’t it be great if it was? Some people have a really big problem with it and is something that can bring about a whole load of bad feelings. I used to be one of these people so I do understand how you’re feeling though I do want you to know that it is absolutely ok to say no.
You can get some self help books or counselling in order to be more assertive. That’s what I did so would really recommend it.
Just go with it this time, take the ‘loss’ because even thinking about going back to your friend with your change of mind will probably cause you more stress than if you just left it.
Look on the internet for some help so you are well prepared next time. Good luck xx

Im a wet lettuce but even I would have said NO 😂😂

I'm not sure what your upset about. So your friend doesn't ask you all the time because both your DDs haven't played together for ages.

So because she manages to juggle and you have to pay for childcare your annoyed?
That's just life!

I honestly don’t even understand this. You said your child was at the childminders why would her next comment be “great you can have mine then” makes no sense whatsoever.

I read this as, you booked a childminder for your own daughter that you didn’t need that day as you’re wfh and the other lady knew your daughter wasn’t going to the childminders so pulled a cf’ery on you.

You should have just said I have the childminder booked that day so no. And if she says but your daughters not going to it, you just say, I’m working so need to keep childcare in place in case.

It doesn’t matter if you use your childcare or not. That’s your choice and for your own flexibility not hers. You are not available to do any childcare. Period.