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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel I’m ‘paying’ for childcare because my friend is too mean?

217 replies

DMLady · 05/12/2022 19:12

I should preface this by saying this is a good friend; she’s very generous in some ways — and not at all generous in others. (She’d admit it too!) We also generally both help each other out with childcare whenever we can.

Anyway, we both have DDs, both in Y4 at school. DDs are good, but not best, friends.

I pay for a childminder 4 days a week but my friend (who isn’t remotely hard up) resents paying for childcare, so relies on after school clubs and friends and family. She and her DH both work, although her DH normally WFH. For various reasons, both my DH and I are at home full time at the moment — he’s WFH, and I’m trying to start my own business.

Next week, my friend and her DH are both busy with work on one particular day, and can’t pick their DD up from school. In the past, my friend would message me to see if I was picking my DD up from school; I’d say no, she’s at her childminder’s, and that would be the end of it. This time, though, she messaged to ask if DD was with her childminder on that particular day; I said yes, and friend replied, ‘oh, I was hoping you could have my DD then. Is that okay? The girls haven’t had a play date for ages.’ The thing is, because of the way she asked, I feel I wasn’t really given an option: she KNEW my DD was meant to be at her childminders but still asked me to have HER DD.

Anyway, partly because I felt I couldn’t say no (because of how she broached it) and partly because we try to help each other out when we can, I said okay, albeit reluctantly. I also thought perhaps my friend and her DH were out late (which would mean it would be really difficult for them to find someone to help), but it turns out they only need childcare until about 5, so I really don’t understand why she just couldn’t have asked another mum for a play date. The thing that REALLY irks me though is that my friend knows I still have to pay DD’s childminder, even if DD doesn’t go — so I feel as though I’m left out of pocket just because she’s too tight to pay for childcare herself.

AIBU?

To be fair, I know this is a real first world problem. I think I’m mainly just annoyed at myself for saying yes when I didn’t really want to. I guess the other thing that worries me is that because my DH and I are now both at home full time, we’ll be seen as the easy (and free!) childcare option going forward. I REALLY don’t want that!

OP posts:
IAmTi · 05/12/2022 19:59

Fluffymule · 05/12/2022 19:59

For future requests that make you feel a little pressured I'd recommend a stalling technique that I've found helpful myself.

When someone is asking you to agree to something you don't want to do, or are not sure that you want to do, simply state something along the lines of "I don't think I can commit to that right now, let me think about it, I'll text you later".

Leave it at that, don't get drawn into further discussion about why you should do it, or how much they need it etc - just repeat the same line "I can't agree to that right now, I'll let you know once I've had time to consider".

This allows you to respond on your own terms, rather than in the face of immediate pressure where your embarrassment or awkwardness pushes you to agree. It's that embarrassment or cringe factor that cheeky fuckers try to exploit when pushing people for things.

Yes a "I'll have to check the diary and get back to you"

FerryYaBerryLa · 05/12/2022 19:59

You could just say - sorry, remembered the reason (or one of them) we have childminder on that date is because me (or DH) has X important meeting and we need the house free.

ditherydotty · 05/12/2022 20:01

You're paying for childcare as you need it, simple as that.

I'd do a favour my my friend, if it became too often id just say sorry it's too much.

FerryYaBerryLa · 05/12/2022 20:03

Fluffymule
She messaged you for this right? So just message her back -" Sorry friend, have just realised that a play date next week doesn't work for me. Thought I'd let you know straight away so you still have plenty of time to sort out an alternative solution. Good luck!"

This is actually perfect – no explanation required, just very polite and considerate sounding. I would send this.

MoreSleepPleasee · 05/12/2022 20:03

She doesn't really sound like a friend it sounds like she treats you like a mug.

Tandora · 05/12/2022 20:06

Huh? You are not “out of pocket” because your friend is mean- or whatever. How childish.
You are out of pocket because you are paying for childcare- a decision with has nothing to do with your friend! You seem to have difficulty taking responsibility for your own choices and separating your actions from those of others?
Your friend was cheeky to ask you to have her DD when you told her yours was at the childminder, but that’s a totally separate issue to your finances.
You decided to say yes to be kind, so own that. If you regret it now, either suck it up and resolve it won’t happen again, or send a message saying you’re sorry but you’ve realised it doesn’t work after all.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 05/12/2022 20:09

I too think she caught you on the hop by phoning you.
Perhaps in future let her calls go to voicemail which gives you thinking time.
Sadly the world is full of users.

Curtaintwitcher72 · 05/12/2022 20:10

I'm quite baffled you felt strong armed into saying yes. Being put on the spot usually happens when someone is standing right in front of you, expecting an immediate answer. If she sent a text you surely had time to consider your options? Why did you fire off a text straight back? Anyhow, I agree with the consensus – text her tonight and say on reflection you can't do it, your DD is definitely going to be at the childminder's.

flooflo · 05/12/2022 20:13

Strange that you said yes. Surely the standard response would be "oh sorry DD goes to childminder that evening as we are working"?

MassiveSalad22 · 05/12/2022 20:13

‘Friend, I’ve realised I’ve got X appointment Thursday afternoon so DD will be going to the childminder as usual. See you soon!’

Russo · 05/12/2022 20:14

DMLady · 05/12/2022 19:12

I should preface this by saying this is a good friend; she’s very generous in some ways — and not at all generous in others. (She’d admit it too!) We also generally both help each other out with childcare whenever we can.

Anyway, we both have DDs, both in Y4 at school. DDs are good, but not best, friends.

I pay for a childminder 4 days a week but my friend (who isn’t remotely hard up) resents paying for childcare, so relies on after school clubs and friends and family. She and her DH both work, although her DH normally WFH. For various reasons, both my DH and I are at home full time at the moment — he’s WFH, and I’m trying to start my own business.

Next week, my friend and her DH are both busy with work on one particular day, and can’t pick their DD up from school. In the past, my friend would message me to see if I was picking my DD up from school; I’d say no, she’s at her childminder’s, and that would be the end of it. This time, though, she messaged to ask if DD was with her childminder on that particular day; I said yes, and friend replied, ‘oh, I was hoping you could have my DD then. Is that okay? The girls haven’t had a play date for ages.’ The thing is, because of the way she asked, I feel I wasn’t really given an option: she KNEW my DD was meant to be at her childminders but still asked me to have HER DD.

Anyway, partly because I felt I couldn’t say no (because of how she broached it) and partly because we try to help each other out when we can, I said okay, albeit reluctantly. I also thought perhaps my friend and her DH were out late (which would mean it would be really difficult for them to find someone to help), but it turns out they only need childcare until about 5, so I really don’t understand why she just couldn’t have asked another mum for a play date. The thing that REALLY irks me though is that my friend knows I still have to pay DD’s childminder, even if DD doesn’t go — so I feel as though I’m left out of pocket just because she’s too tight to pay for childcare herself.

AIBU?

To be fair, I know this is a real first world problem. I think I’m mainly just annoyed at myself for saying yes when I didn’t really want to. I guess the other thing that worries me is that because my DH and I are now both at home full time, we’ll be seen as the easy (and free!) childcare option going forward. I REALLY don’t want that!

If you think it’s going to be a recurring set up then you should set some boundaries and nip it in the bud now.

it’s understandable why you’re annoyed. But if she continues to do it you’ll accumulate the resent and burst eventually and likely ruin the friendship. (Because she will have gotten used to free childcare from you)

whereas now you can get away with a polite ‘no, childminder is paid to look after DD, one child not two’ or I suppose you could say ‘childminder has asked for extra pay for second child’ if you’re struggling to just tell her no.

Teadrinkingmumofone · 05/12/2022 20:14

Because of the way she asked you couldn't say no? Of course you could. Honestly. You made this issue yourself.

csecdec · 05/12/2022 20:15

yabu for being a pushover

mondaytosunday · 05/12/2022 20:15

I thought you were working in your business which is why your child is at the childminders? If that was the case then you should have said no.
But you've said yes. It doesn't matter that your friend is free at 5. You've agreed and though you may regret it you honour the agreement. Next time be prepared to say no.

Wardrobemalfunction22 · 05/12/2022 20:17

You're trying to start your own business? You'll need to learn how to set boundaries or you’re going to have a tough time succeeding with a work life balance

poefaced · 05/12/2022 20:17

DMLady · 05/12/2022 19:38

Love this — thank you. It’s really straightforward and honest and clear. Will try it!

Show quote history

Did you text her this, OP?

Text her now, you will be so annoyed on the day if you don’t.

BaileySharp · 05/12/2022 20:19

Surely even though your are home you are working on your business? Otherwise no need to use childminder. So next time just say you're doing that!

Cococomelon · 05/12/2022 20:19

Just text and say you've thought about it abs can't help

TheaBrandt · 05/12/2022 20:21

How old are you op?! You need to hit the peri menopause then it’s way easier to say no - your nicey nicey “ don’t want to make you feel sad even at my own expense” hormones drain away …it’s great!

ittakes2 · 05/12/2022 20:21

My goodness - surely you have your child in childcare so you can work. Why not just say no I am working like she is.

Wickedgreengirl · 05/12/2022 20:21

I don’t get why you didn’t say ‘sorry daughter is at the childminder and we’re working’.

Cococomelon · 05/12/2022 20:24

I think she does t mind that she's put you on the spot so you shouldn't mind saying no. Like you say, you pay it childcare. It's just going to annoy you if you don't say something but I bet you'll feel bad if you say no now.

Zanatdy · 05/12/2022 20:25

You really should have said sorry no as we are busy hence paying for a childminder. Don’t enable her

Womanconflicted · 05/12/2022 20:25

So, you are paying for childcare to enable you to work, and you are now looking after 2 children during this time instead. Is your employer on board with this?

She has played like a fiddle! I’d suggest putting some firm boundaries in asap.

SillySausage81 · 05/12/2022 20:28

For next time:

Friend: oh, I was hoping you could have my DD then. Is that okay?
You: Sorry but I am actually working until the evening, so we won't be able to have any guests round I'm afraid.

Then, if you were prepared to have him in the evening, then add "when do you need childcare until? We could have her round from 5pm til late if you need".

The great thing about text messaging is you don't have to let yourself be put on the spot. You can always take a few moments to think about how to get out of the situation.