To feel I’m ‘paying’ for childcare because my friend is too mean?

[DMLady]

I should preface this by saying this is a good friend; she’s very generous in some ways — and not at all generous in others. (She’d admit it too!) We also generally both help each other out with childcare whenever we can.

Anyway, we both have DDs, both in Y4 at school. DDs are good, but not best, friends.

I pay for a childminder 4 days a week but my friend (who isn’t remotely hard up) resents paying for childcare, so relies on after school clubs and friends and family. She and her DH both work, although her DH normally WFH. For various reasons, both my DH and I are at home full time at the moment — he’s WFH, and I’m trying to start my own business.

Next week, my friend and her DH are both busy with work on one particular day, and can’t pick their DD up from school. In the past, my friend would message me to see if I was picking my DD up from school; I’d say no, she’s at her childminder’s, and that would be the end of it. This time, though, she messaged to ask if DD was with her childminder on that particular day; I said yes, and friend replied, ‘oh, I was hoping you could have my DD then. Is that okay? The girls haven’t had a play date for ages.’ The thing is, because of the way she asked, I feel I wasn’t really given an option: she KNEW my DD was meant to be at her childminders but still asked me to have HER DD.

Anyway, partly because I felt I couldn’t say no (because of how she broached it) and partly because we try to help each other out when we can, I said okay, albeit reluctantly. I also thought perhaps my friend and her DH were out late (which would mean it would be really difficult for them to find someone to help), but it turns out they only need childcare until about 5, so I really don’t understand why she just couldn’t have asked another mum for a play date. The thing that REALLY irks me though is that my friend knows I still have to pay DD’s childminder, even if DD doesn’t go — so I feel as though I’m left out of pocket just because she’s too tight to pay for childcare herself.

AIBU?

To be fair, I know this is a real first world problem. I think I’m mainly just annoyed at myself for saying yes when I didn’t really want to. I guess the other thing that worries me is that because my DH and I are now both at home full time, we’ll be seen as the easy (and free!) childcare option going forward. I REALLY don’t want that!

It is pointless, but it’s where I’m at…

You still have time to text her no. Text her now that you’ve already paid for the childminder so you will have to cancel the play date.

I think you have a problem accepting that your work at home is real work. Your need to "be nice" (or be seen to be nice) is overriding your need to focus on work. This is your work; it's important; you're important.

If your work is going to be successful you have to focus on it and make it a priority. At the moment you seem to be putting others' feelings at a higher priority? Why?

If you had a work Zoom meeting then you wouldn't be able to deal with the kids - if you're struggling, just say that that's going to happen.

In future just say you'll have to check your diary. Never agree to anything without having a cooling off period.

I did feel put on the spot. I also wanted to help if my friend was really stuck — and only realised afterwards she could have asked others. I will definitely say no next time though…

YWBU. I’m glad to see you’ve realised you have some agency here and are going to be more honest with your friend instead of failing to communicate and building up resentment.

You friend was pretty cheeky in asking, though. If that’s not something you manage well or something you don’t want to have to manage well and it’s something she does a lot you need to either talk to her about or cut your friendship back.

You think you're being nice. In fact, you'd rather call your friend "mean" and judge her than establish your own boundaries around wfh.

Just message her back and say that you've realised your dd is at the child minders that day because you've got a meeting you can't miss and you'd forgotten but now you've remembered it's gonna have to be a no this time, sorry!

You are regretting saying yes. So ch age your mind and say no.

Take responsibility, say oops sorry, don't know what I was thinking DD will be going to the childminders.

Being a tad flaky will make you much less popular to be put upon for childcare for people who still want to save on after school clubs.

If she subsequently catches you out and asked why your DD wasn't at childminder after all, so the dumb blind act and say 'what am I like'.

Win win.

Or just moan on MN so nothing ch ages. Your choice.

I did feel put on the spot. I also wanted to help if my friend was really stuck — and only realised afterwards she could have asked others. I will definitely say no next time though…
Not no next time

No this time

What is wrong with you???

Your DD will be in paid childcare and you will be working

No you can't do it, @you didn't realise" Will suffice. It is 19.50 you have enough time to give her zero time to think about it as she gave you

I voted yabu just because you should have said no 🤷🏼‍♀️ Your friend is being cheeky but you say she’s a good friend so presumably she would have accepted you saying no well enough. She probably felt it didn’t hurt to ask. Most people are a little cheeky on occasion and it doesn’t sound like she has form for this.

If you don’t want to then just do as others have said and text her back to say sorry, you’ve realised you can’t have her after all.

So, have you texted her back then? Stop agreeing with all the posts. DO SOMETHING! Text her back!!!

She'd still be your friend if you'd said no. And this request was fairly easy to refuse. You need to toughen up and say actually, you'd rather they have a play date another time because your childminder won't let you off the fee. If she offers to pay for your childminder fees that day, you could reconsider.

Yes. None of this is irreversible. And it's not really her fault either

Christ almighty. There is genuinely no helping some people.

Wot @LunaAndHerMoonDragons is better. Say that.

Say no this time

YABU you should have just said no!

Text her and say… sorry, don’t know what was thinking, of course I cannot haven’t your DD, mine isn’t here, and I have business stuff to sort.
of course I can’t have her as it is a childminder’s day.

tjst will set the tone for next time too…

To feel I’m ‘paying’ for childcare because my friend is too mean?

No you are paying for childcare you won't use because you've somehow never learnt to just say no. It's your own fault. Don't blame your friend

You should have just said - sorry DD’s at childminders, no can do. Not awkward at all.

And even if it was a bit awkward somehow (it really isn’t), she obviously isn’t very sensitive to creating awkward situations and would no doubt be water off a duck’s back!!!

This is a good approach. She can hardly be mad that you’ve had to reschedule a play date can she, with a weeks notice! Just say, oh god sorry I’ve managed to get an appointment last min and no other slots before Xmas so we’ll have to reschedule the play date to another week.

For future requests that make you feel a little pressured I'd recommend a stalling technique that I've found helpful myself.

When someone is asking you to agree to something you don't want to do, or are not sure that you want to do, simply state something along the lines of "I don't think I can commit to that right now, let me think about it, I'll text you later".

Leave it at that, don't get drawn into further discussion about why you should do it, or how much they need it etc - just repeat the same line "I can't agree to that right now, I'll let you know once I've had time to consider".

This allows you to respond on your own terms, rather than in the face of immediate pressure where your embarrassment or awkwardness pushes you to agree. It's that embarrassment or cringe factor that cheeky fuckers try to exploit when pushing people for things.

When this happens I just say no, sorry I'm working and DC is at childcare. There's never an issue. I do help out when I actually can (I work shifts so I'm off during the week sometimes) and the people I help reciprocate.
Just say no if you don't want to do it, you have two very good reasons (work and DD at childminder) not to agree, not that you need to justify it.