To feel I’m ‘paying’ for childcare because my friend is too mean?

[DMLady]

I should preface this by saying this is a good friend; she’s very generous in some ways — and not at all generous in others. (She’d admit it too!) We also generally both help each other out with childcare whenever we can.

Anyway, we both have DDs, both in Y4 at school. DDs are good, but not best, friends.

I pay for a childminder 4 days a week but my friend (who isn’t remotely hard up) resents paying for childcare, so relies on after school clubs and friends and family. She and her DH both work, although her DH normally WFH. For various reasons, both my DH and I are at home full time at the moment — he’s WFH, and I’m trying to start my own business.

Next week, my friend and her DH are both busy with work on one particular day, and can’t pick their DD up from school. In the past, my friend would message me to see if I was picking my DD up from school; I’d say no, she’s at her childminder’s, and that would be the end of it. This time, though, she messaged to ask if DD was with her childminder on that particular day; I said yes, and friend replied, ‘oh, I was hoping you could have my DD then. Is that okay? The girls haven’t had a play date for ages.’ The thing is, because of the way she asked, I feel I wasn’t really given an option: she KNEW my DD was meant to be at her childminders but still asked me to have HER DD.

Anyway, partly because I felt I couldn’t say no (because of how she broached it) and partly because we try to help each other out when we can, I said okay, albeit reluctantly. I also thought perhaps my friend and her DH were out late (which would mean it would be really difficult for them to find someone to help), but it turns out they only need childcare until about 5, so I really don’t understand why she just couldn’t have asked another mum for a play date. The thing that REALLY irks me though is that my friend knows I still have to pay DD’s childminder, even if DD doesn’t go — so I feel as though I’m left out of pocket just because she’s too tight to pay for childcare herself.

AIBU?

To be fair, I know this is a real first world problem. I think I’m mainly just annoyed at myself for saying yes when I didn’t really want to. I guess the other thing that worries me is that because my DH and I are now both at home full time, we’ll be seen as the easy (and free!) childcare option going forward. I REALLY don’t want that!

So your dd won’t be going to the child minder anyway?

sorry I am a bit confused

You didn’t have to say yes. But you were a mug and said yes. So don’t complain!

You could have said 'no sorry' when she asked you if thats OK.

Sorry I'm really confused. Would your DD have gone to her CM if your 'friend' hadn't asked?

In any event you need to stop being a mug. You're not free childcare

This is your fault, just say no

I really genuinely don't understand why you couldn't have said no DD is at the childminders?

It’s really odd that you said yes! Why on earth did you? Are you scared of her or something?

Are you scared of your friend?

I don’t know how and why you agreed to this. I pay for my child to go to after school club at school and even if I was on annual leave, I’ll still pay anyway so I let her go as well. I won’t be going to do school pick up just because I’m available. I could have plans to go to a cafe, go to the salon, etc just on my own so just cos I’m ‘available’ does not mean I am.
Just say no next time.

if she asks again, just say you can only do play dates on the weekend due to commitments during the week.

She has been very cheeky but she’ll continue to ask if you keep saying yes

Surely your DD being at her childminder means you can't have her! I would have said "I will ask the childminder if she can have xxxx but her rate is ££ and she might not be able."

She knows I’m at home full time at the moment because she’s a friend and we discuss our lives.

I don’t think you saying I’m being weird is particularly helpful.

You are being a door mat here to be honest. Yes what she said was pushy but not hard to just say, 'no sorry its really not possible that day unless you are able to have them?' She is taking the piss but you are letting her.

I say yes a lot, and then regret it/ get resentful. So I totally get it OP.
You can't change the past ( she was cheeky asking you for that favour knowing your child goes to a CM ) but moving forward what you could do is be well prepared. As you are now working from home, you might be seen as a free babysitter so situations like the one you mentioned will happen. The best thing is to be clear in your head what are the boundaries you want to set and prepare. Prepare what you going to say and how you going to say it. Say it. We just need to develop thicker skin. You won't lose your friend for setting a boundary and if you do, good riddance.

YABU.

You could have said no. You didn't.

Being at home doesn't mean you're available though. You're working.

YABU, but only because you said yes!

Please message her and tell her no, don't be such a doormat!!

"Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking earlier. Of course I can't have your DD that day, I won't even be at pickup because I'm working."

Text her back and say you’ve thought about it and it isn’t going to work, and DD will go to her childminder as usual. Do it now and she has time to sort out something else (which is what she should have done all along).

You are home but working.

There is a difference between managing your own child and making sure your daughters friend is ok and dealing with them playing.

YABU. You should have said no, obviously.

It seems like you struggle to assert your boundaries. Is it just with this friend? Or in general?
What do you think might happen if you said no?

If you are having your dd at home anyway then I can't see the problem. If she was going to the childminders then just say that. I think saying yes and then complaining is unfair.

You may be at home but you are supposed to be working on setting up your business

The conversation should have gone....

This time, though, she messaged to ask if DD was with her childminder on that particular day; I said yes, and friend replied, ‘oh, I was hoping you could have my DD then. Is that okay? The girls haven’t had a play date for ages.’

You reply no, dd will be at the childminders and I will be working.

End of conversation. She will never take your work seriously if you don't.

Not scared of her! As another poster has said, I think I felt put on the spot — and because we’re friends, I wanted to help out. If I’d have realised it was only until 5, I’d have suggested she find someone else but I initially assumed she perhaps wanted us to have her DD overnight.