To feel I’m ‘paying’ for childcare because my friend is too mean?

[DMLady]

I should preface this by saying this is a good friend; she’s very generous in some ways — and not at all generous in others. (She’d admit it too!) We also generally both help each other out with childcare whenever we can.

Anyway, we both have DDs, both in Y4 at school. DDs are good, but not best, friends.

I pay for a childminder 4 days a week but my friend (who isn’t remotely hard up) resents paying for childcare, so relies on after school clubs and friends and family. She and her DH both work, although her DH normally WFH. For various reasons, both my DH and I are at home full time at the moment — he’s WFH, and I’m trying to start my own business.

Next week, my friend and her DH are both busy with work on one particular day, and can’t pick their DD up from school. In the past, my friend would message me to see if I was picking my DD up from school; I’d say no, she’s at her childminder’s, and that would be the end of it. This time, though, she messaged to ask if DD was with her childminder on that particular day; I said yes, and friend replied, ‘oh, I was hoping you could have my DD then. Is that okay? The girls haven’t had a play date for ages.’ The thing is, because of the way she asked, I feel I wasn’t really given an option: she KNEW my DD was meant to be at her childminders but still asked me to have HER DD.

Anyway, partly because I felt I couldn’t say no (because of how she broached it) and partly because we try to help each other out when we can, I said okay, albeit reluctantly. I also thought perhaps my friend and her DH were out late (which would mean it would be really difficult for them to find someone to help), but it turns out they only need childcare until about 5, so I really don’t understand why she just couldn’t have asked another mum for a play date. The thing that REALLY irks me though is that my friend knows I still have to pay DD’s childminder, even if DD doesn’t go — so I feel as though I’m left out of pocket just because she’s too tight to pay for childcare herself.

AIBU?

To be fair, I know this is a real first world problem. I think I’m mainly just annoyed at myself for saying yes when I didn’t really want to. I guess the other thing that worries me is that because my DH and I are now both at home full time, we’ll be seen as the easy (and free!) childcare option going forward. I REALLY don’t want that!

id message her now and say “sorry I got the days muddled, dd is going to the childminder on x day as I’ve got an appointment. If you are stuck I can give you my childminders number, she might have a space.” Offer play dates on dates that suit you.

I voted yabu but only as you sort of put yourself in this position - she was cheeky to ask but you could easily have said no. You live and you learn

Message friend and say 'Sorry, totally forgot that I actually had plans on that date and forgot to put it on the calendar, you caught me off guard. Afraid we can't help with childcare after all'. Then go ahead with your original plan of sending dd to the childminder and do whatever you want. If friend asks what your plans are ignore her and if she gets pushy say 'I'm Christmas shopping, not that I need to explain myself to you'.

Next time just say 'No, I can't help then' don't feel the need to explain yourself.

You can't stop cheeky people asking you for things, but you can control what you say. You only have yourself to blame. I would have said, " I'm sorry x is at the childminders that day, can't do it."

Why didn’t you just say “DD is at the childminder as we’re working”

Daft you’ve said yes and now you’re complaining 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think you just need to put this down as a lesson learnt.

It was a message so you had time to think or could have replied that you’ll let her know, so you weren’t exactly put on the spot.

I personally would have just said I’m really sorry but I’m not able to that day if I didn’t want to.

She doesn’t sound like a regular CF so I’d just see it as you are doing your friend a favour and hope that she returns it if you ever need it.

If you are home FT then why are you paying a childminder anyway?
Isn’t that a huge waste of money?

Grow a spine.

Call her back and say signals were crossed, a playdate will have to be on a date I have my DD, not on a childminder date, so she'll have to make other arrangements.

Whatever you do about it this time, the most important thing is to redraw boundaries in your own head. You're working. Work takes priority in your working hours. Treat your employer - yourself - with the respect and priority you'd want from a conscientious employee. Your work is not "less" because it's your own business. You are already doing this in your own life, that's why your DD goes to the childminder. You just need to redraw that boundary a little wider.

It IS tricky to maintain when you are WFH. Most of us who have flex in their days would drop work to help someone in an utter emergency. But this time, the way she asked doesn't translate into utter emergency at all.

Even if you didn’t have your child in childcare this can cause an issue. I’ve had friends who have sacrificed their career / money to stay at home with their children and then friends who are working use them as unpaid childcare (eg they’re not making the sacrifice and getting the best of both worlds.) This is similar in that you’re making a financial and time sacrifice so she doesn’t have to, in a presumably non-reciprocal arrangement.

I think you need to back out of this time, otherwise you’re just kicking the can down the road and it will drive you crazy. You should be able to say a direct no. If you can’t then use one of the scenarios above. You’re on an online training course, you have to pay for the childminder anyway, etc etc. Give her the childminder’s number!!

Why don’t you just say you’ve decided to do some Christmas shopping so will need DD in childcare? I am absolutely astounded that you’ve said yes!!

it's totally weird to pull dd out of paid-for childcare when you are supposed to be working in order to facilitate a playdate.

text back 'sorry actually can't do this after all, as pressure of work too much so dd has to go to childminder as usual. childminder's number is xxxxxxx if you want to see if she cab take on an extra child, or I can do a play date on (insert easiest nonworking day).

normally I would go with the "no is a complete sentence" line and say you don't have to justify your refusal, but given that you've said yes you will need to apologise a bit, but it's totally ok to back out as it was silly to say yes.

You can still say no. "Friend, I have thought about what you asked, and realised I'll have to pay the childminder anyway, so it would be crazy for me to look after your child then.”

Yes something along these lines. “Turns out I’ve got to pay the childminder anyway, so I’ll be sending DD to her and using the time to get ahead on work/Christmas prep/whatever. Sorry hope you can make other plans for your DD”.

Best to do this quick before she can say she’s relying on the playdate or before the girls have got excited about it…

She’s testing the water and will almost certainly ask/expect more from you on the childcare front.

Remember you don’t have to answer her text messages straight away. Take time to formulate a foolproof response (which can/should include ‘no, that doesn’t work for me/us’).

I think it’s really weird that she asked you to do this and it’s really not the sort of thing a real friend would do.

"Sorry no DD is at CM that night as I will be hosting a swingers party. You're welcome to come along with your DH if you like but don't think it's going to be kid friendly"

Dare you

OP you have read all the comments and have received so much good advice from other mumsnetters. Some of your responses have been -
“Yep! Am regretting saying yes now…”
“You’re right I need to get better at saying no…”
“Thank you. This is helpful.”
“Love this — thank you. It’s really straightforward and honest and clear. Will try it!”
“I definitely won’t agree next time!”
“I will definitely say no next time though…”

However, even after the advice to message your “friend” with one of the reasons suggested on why you can’t have her, you are still having her child next week!!!

Can I get odds on the OP agreeing, to have “friend’s” dd again, next time she is asked?

Send another message back saying something like ‘just to clarify as daughter is at the CM until 5, the play date will have to be after that. If you think that’s late we’ll rearrange for another day’. I would play ignorant about her knowing your daughter is at the CM and still asking you to pick hers up - make her spell out her cheeky fuckery.

I would completely agree to this and then stew. So I would just backtrack and make out you ever understood you were supposed to pick her child up.

Just say no.

This is such a small deal and you could of said no.

Just say something’s come up at work and you can’t do it

You've been railroaded, I'd message back and say you've checked your diary and you have work stuff to do. Sorry that means we can't do the playdate after all.

It sounds like something one of dd's friend's mums would do.

If you let yourself be used then she'll carry on.

YABU if you let her use you like this

YABU for saying yes.

She gave you an out. You refused to take it.

So on this day you’ll be paying for childcare that you won’t be using because you’re instead providing free childcare to someone else (that they don’t even really need)?

Unless the playdate is tomorrow I’d be tempted to message her again and say “Sorry but I need to cancel the playdate, don’t know what I was thinking saying yes, have got way too much on that day. xx”

I would txt one of the above responses but don't offer to be available for emergencies as this will get abused here. You will be used often and an emergency for your friend will be a lack of anyone else available to collect her DD on any day.
I would offer the play date at any other date and time convenient to you.