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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel I’m ‘paying’ for childcare because my friend is too mean?

217 replies

DMLady · 05/12/2022 19:12

I should preface this by saying this is a good friend; she’s very generous in some ways — and not at all generous in others. (She’d admit it too!) We also generally both help each other out with childcare whenever we can.

Anyway, we both have DDs, both in Y4 at school. DDs are good, but not best, friends.

I pay for a childminder 4 days a week but my friend (who isn’t remotely hard up) resents paying for childcare, so relies on after school clubs and friends and family. She and her DH both work, although her DH normally WFH. For various reasons, both my DH and I are at home full time at the moment — he’s WFH, and I’m trying to start my own business.

Next week, my friend and her DH are both busy with work on one particular day, and can’t pick their DD up from school. In the past, my friend would message me to see if I was picking my DD up from school; I’d say no, she’s at her childminder’s, and that would be the end of it. This time, though, she messaged to ask if DD was with her childminder on that particular day; I said yes, and friend replied, ‘oh, I was hoping you could have my DD then. Is that okay? The girls haven’t had a play date for ages.’ The thing is, because of the way she asked, I feel I wasn’t really given an option: she KNEW my DD was meant to be at her childminders but still asked me to have HER DD.

Anyway, partly because I felt I couldn’t say no (because of how she broached it) and partly because we try to help each other out when we can, I said okay, albeit reluctantly. I also thought perhaps my friend and her DH were out late (which would mean it would be really difficult for them to find someone to help), but it turns out they only need childcare until about 5, so I really don’t understand why she just couldn’t have asked another mum for a play date. The thing that REALLY irks me though is that my friend knows I still have to pay DD’s childminder, even if DD doesn’t go — so I feel as though I’m left out of pocket just because she’s too tight to pay for childcare herself.

AIBU?

To be fair, I know this is a real first world problem. I think I’m mainly just annoyed at myself for saying yes when I didn’t really want to. I guess the other thing that worries me is that because my DH and I are now both at home full time, we’ll be seen as the easy (and free!) childcare option going forward. I REALLY don’t want that!

OP posts:
Sushi7 · 05/12/2022 19:34

@DMLady say no. Send your DD to her childminder on the usual days. If that mum needs childcare then she pays. Teach your Dd that it’s okay to say no. It’s not ok to be a pushover. The girl isn’t even your dd’s best friend.

SlashBeef · 05/12/2022 19:35

It's really odd that you felt pushed into saying yes when you had a good reason to say no! Practice some ways of saying no that you're comfortable with for next time.

coconutpie · 05/12/2022 19:35

You did not have to say yes! Just because you are at home, does not mean you are available to do childcare - you are already paying for your own DD to be at childcare.

This situation that you've gotten yourself into can be reversed. Send a message saying "unfortunately I can't actually have your DD over next week for a play date as I have an appointment that afternoon so my DD will be going to childminder as usual that day". Just leave it at that. And practise saying no in the mirror. Or if she says it in person to you, tell her you need to check your schedule and will reply to her later, then you can just decline via text so that you won't cave to the pressure.

And also, even if DD didn't go to a childminder and you weren't trying to set up your own business, you still aren't obliged to provide childcare for friends just because you're at home. No is a complete sentence.

Original poster
DMLady · 05/12/2022 19:35

cansu · 05/12/2022 19:33

If you are having your dd at home anyway then I can't see the problem. If she was going to the childminders then just say that. I think saying yes and then complaining is unfair.

You must really struggle with mumsnet then!

OP posts:
Monr0e · 05/12/2022 19:36

Lesson learned OP. If you don't want to cancel, you'll have to suck it up this time. But if she asks again, be ready to knock her back.

Or say, yes, a play date sounds good, I'll let you know a date when she's not at the childminders.

honeylulu · 05/12/2022 19:36

Just say no! I got caught by this once and never again. Before pandemic I used to wfh just on Fridays. Our neighbours who had a little boy the same age as our daughter once phoned in a panic to ask if I could have their son after school as an emergency as they knew I "didn't go to work on Friday". I said OK though I was actually working and I hoped he wouldn't be too bored. A school mum dropped him off with me and I parked him in front of the telly. 2 hours later parents turned up. The "emergency" turned out to be a boozy lunch in a pub they were enjoying too much to leave. They asked their son if he'd had a nice "play date" and I said pointedly "oh daughter isn't here, she's at the childminder because I'm working". I think the penny dropped.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 05/12/2022 19:36

BeautifulDragon · 05/12/2022 19:31

YABU, but only because you said yes!

Please message her and tell her no, don't be such a doormat!!

"Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking earlier. Of course I can't have your DD that day, I won't even be at pickup because I'm working."

Text her something like this now, nip it in the bud. If you let this happen your friend is going to keep pushing this on you. Make it clear that short of an emergency you're unavailable on days your DD is at the childminder. Create a boundary, treat yourself and your work with respect. It's ok to say No.

ICanHideButICantRun · 05/12/2022 19:36

You can still say no. "Friend, I have thought about what you asked, and realised I'll have to pay the childminder anyway, so it would be crazy for me to look after your child then. My child is happy going to the babysitter, so I'm going to leave it at that. Hope you get sorted." Job done.

IAmTi · 05/12/2022 19:36

Call her back and say really sorry can't do that day after all so sorry I messed up silly me tinkly laugh

Original poster
DMLady · 05/12/2022 19:36

Lsquiggles · 05/12/2022 19:17

Just say you've changed your mind and send your DD to her childminder like planned, this is a fully reversable situation. She sounds cheeky and you did have a say in the matter, you just need to get better at saying no even when it's uncomfortable

You’re right I need to get better at saying no…

OP posts:
Original poster
DMLady · 05/12/2022 19:37

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 05/12/2022 19:36

Text her something like this now, nip it in the bud. If you let this happen your friend is going to keep pushing this on you. Make it clear that short of an emergency you're unavailable on days your DD is at the childminder. Create a boundary, treat yourself and your work with respect. It's ok to say No.

Show quote history

Thank you. This is helpful.

OP posts:
pictish · 05/12/2022 19:38

Well fgs you said yes. Can’t help you with that I’m afraid. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
DMLady · 05/12/2022 19:38

ICanHideButICantRun · 05/12/2022 19:36

You can still say no. "Friend, I have thought about what you asked, and realised I'll have to pay the childminder anyway, so it would be crazy for me to look after your child then. My child is happy going to the babysitter, so I'm going to leave it at that. Hope you get sorted." Job done.

Love this — thank you. It’s really straightforward and honest and clear. Will try it!

OP posts:
Fluffymule · 05/12/2022 19:38

She messaged you for this right? So just message her back -" Sorry friend, have just realised that a play date next week doesn't work for me. Thought I'd let you know straight away so you still have plenty of time to sort out an alternative solution. Good luck!"

Original poster
DMLady · 05/12/2022 19:39

honeylulu · 05/12/2022 19:36

Just say no! I got caught by this once and never again. Before pandemic I used to wfh just on Fridays. Our neighbours who had a little boy the same age as our daughter once phoned in a panic to ask if I could have their son after school as an emergency as they knew I "didn't go to work on Friday". I said OK though I was actually working and I hoped he wouldn't be too bored. A school mum dropped him off with me and I parked him in front of the telly. 2 hours later parents turned up. The "emergency" turned out to be a boozy lunch in a pub they were enjoying too much to leave. They asked their son if he'd had a nice "play date" and I said pointedly "oh daughter isn't here, she's at the childminder because I'm working". I think the penny dropped.

Ah, that’s shocking. I’m determined not to get caught like this again either…

OP posts:
MichaelJaxon · 05/12/2022 19:40

"so I feel as though I’m left out of pocket just because she’s too tight to pay for childcare herself"

this is not why you're out of pocket OP, you're out of pocket because you have to pay for a childminder whether your daughter goes or not, and you stupidly said yes when asked by a cheeky friend to look after their child.....

Tiani4 · 05/12/2022 19:40

There's a simple fix to this

"Hi friend, sorry I got confused, my children are at childminders as DH and I are working until after 5pm.
You know we work too, our childminder may know other childminders if you need to organise childcare for work"

If ultimately you want to pull your children out of childcare that your stop paying for ane tyen also provide free childcare for other friends' regular work (as they won't wanna pay for it) then you are a mug and doing a disservice to you and your children

Original poster
DMLady · 05/12/2022 19:40

Monr0e · 05/12/2022 19:36

Lesson learned OP. If you don't want to cancel, you'll have to suck it up this time. But if she asks again, be ready to knock her back.

Or say, yes, a play date sounds good, I'll let you know a date when she's not at the childminders.

Yes, I’ve definitely learned my lesson…

OP posts:
Tiani4 · 05/12/2022 19:40

That you are still paying for... if what I meant to type

Xmasbaby11 · 05/12/2022 19:41

I think it's understandable you agreed. But actually now you have put yourself out because instead of continuing to work peacefully, you now have to supervise / monitor your dd and her friend!

I have done this before - not as favour to a friend, just because my DD wanted a playdate and it was the only time her friend could do - and felt cross with myself for making life difficult and having work interrupted! In my case I invited her for tea and made homemade pizza; she was here until about 6.30. And then obviously had to catch up with work the next day. Totally my own doing. Yes I am that stupid! I wanted to make DD happy but it did put her onto me.

Just put it down to experience and don't agree again.

Original poster
DMLady · 05/12/2022 19:41

Fluffymule · 05/12/2022 19:38

She messaged you for this right? So just message her back -" Sorry friend, have just realised that a play date next week doesn't work for me. Thought I'd let you know straight away so you still have plenty of time to sort out an alternative solution. Good luck!"

This is helpful; thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
DMLady · 05/12/2022 19:42

SlashBeef · 05/12/2022 19:35

It's really odd that you felt pushed into saying yes when you had a good reason to say no! Practice some ways of saying no that you're comfortable with for next time.

I will. I think I felt put on the spot.

OP posts:
Original poster
DMLady · 05/12/2022 19:43

Xmasbaby11 · 05/12/2022 19:41

I think it's understandable you agreed. But actually now you have put yourself out because instead of continuing to work peacefully, you now have to supervise / monitor your dd and her friend!

I have done this before - not as favour to a friend, just because my DD wanted a playdate and it was the only time her friend could do - and felt cross with myself for making life difficult and having work interrupted! In my case I invited her for tea and made homemade pizza; she was here until about 6.30. And then obviously had to catch up with work the next day. Totally my own doing. Yes I am that stupid! I wanted to make DD happy but it did put her onto me.

Just put it down to experience and don't agree again.

I definitely won’t agree next time!

OP posts:
Dimpous · 05/12/2022 19:43

Offer the number of the childminder too! Incase she has availability!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/12/2022 19:44

You should have said no!

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