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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel I’m ‘paying’ for childcare because my friend is too mean?

217 replies

DMLady · 05/12/2022 19:12

I should preface this by saying this is a good friend; she’s very generous in some ways — and not at all generous in others. (She’d admit it too!) We also generally both help each other out with childcare whenever we can.

Anyway, we both have DDs, both in Y4 at school. DDs are good, but not best, friends.

I pay for a childminder 4 days a week but my friend (who isn’t remotely hard up) resents paying for childcare, so relies on after school clubs and friends and family. She and her DH both work, although her DH normally WFH. For various reasons, both my DH and I are at home full time at the moment — he’s WFH, and I’m trying to start my own business.

Next week, my friend and her DH are both busy with work on one particular day, and can’t pick their DD up from school. In the past, my friend would message me to see if I was picking my DD up from school; I’d say no, she’s at her childminder’s, and that would be the end of it. This time, though, she messaged to ask if DD was with her childminder on that particular day; I said yes, and friend replied, ‘oh, I was hoping you could have my DD then. Is that okay? The girls haven’t had a play date for ages.’ The thing is, because of the way she asked, I feel I wasn’t really given an option: she KNEW my DD was meant to be at her childminders but still asked me to have HER DD.

Anyway, partly because I felt I couldn’t say no (because of how she broached it) and partly because we try to help each other out when we can, I said okay, albeit reluctantly. I also thought perhaps my friend and her DH were out late (which would mean it would be really difficult for them to find someone to help), but it turns out they only need childcare until about 5, so I really don’t understand why she just couldn’t have asked another mum for a play date. The thing that REALLY irks me though is that my friend knows I still have to pay DD’s childminder, even if DD doesn’t go — so I feel as though I’m left out of pocket just because she’s too tight to pay for childcare herself.

AIBU?

To be fair, I know this is a real first world problem. I think I’m mainly just annoyed at myself for saying yes when I didn’t really want to. I guess the other thing that worries me is that because my DH and I are now both at home full time, we’ll be seen as the easy (and free!) childcare option going forward. I REALLY don’t want that!

OP posts:
Longbarn5 · 05/12/2022 21:34

You have said yes now so stick with it for tge sake of your friendship. However, if it happens again just say no and explain again that you will have to pay for the childminder and you have elected to have the minder because you are both busy working.

GhostBridezilla · 05/12/2022 21:53

Struggling to understand how you ‘couldn’t say no’.

MimiSunshine · 05/12/2022 22:05

You say she put you on the spot but she messaged you.
tey to keep in mind that even if you initially responded immediately, you could have just put your phone down and replied later on once you had thought through it all.

you May have felt you couldn’t say no due to the way she phrased it, but of course you could have. She was chancing her arm.
and just because she knows you’re at home at the moment doesn’t mean you are her childcare back up plan.

redbigbananafeet · 05/12/2022 22:06

At with going to text and retract?

alasangne · 05/12/2022 22:06

This isn't her fault

ohlordhelpme · 05/12/2022 22:07

Cant believe she still asked you to have her child even though you'd said yours was at the childminders?! Odd!

Onlythings · 05/12/2022 22:11

I’ve voted YABU because you’re being unreasonable to yourself.

Winterscomingagain · 05/12/2022 22:17

eternalopt · 05/12/2022 19:23

If it's next week, there's time to back track (unless you're daughter is really looking forward to it) Tell her something has come up/you forgot an appointment you have
so you need to rearrange play date sorry - if she's pretending its just a play date and not childcare she can't really moan - just one of those things

Agree totally with this post, back track perhaps by saying you want to keep your dd in routine, you need to shop, have a medical appointment. Your friend is a user so don't have any scruples.
Be ready for her the next time and don't agree so readily.

ClaryFairchild · 05/12/2022 22:25

If you're not very good at saying "no" (which clearly you're not!) then practice stalling for time with a "I'll need to get back to you".

That gives you time to take a deep breath, gather your thoughts, and have a good thing about what you are willing to do/offer.

billy1966 · 05/12/2022 22:25

DMLady · 05/12/2022 19:41

This is helpful; thank you.

Show quote history

OP, this is a perfect out for you and you would be very silly to allow this to go ahead.

Your "friend" is a tight CF whom thinks you are a bit of a mug.

She thinks you are ripe for using.

You are playing into this narrative and making so little of yourself by going along with this arrangement.

Who pays a childminder to mind their child but keeps them at home to child mind themselves?

Whilst working?

It can be easy to be caught on the hop, but it is also easy to correct it.

Don't allow this person to use you and take your self respect in the process.

A simple "let me get back to you about that" was one I found great to help me when faced with a similar situation.

I also got caught by someone once and was furious with myself afterwards, but I bit the bullet and got back to her and told her upon reflection her "favour" was too much and not convenient.

I learn from it.

Tigger7654 · 05/12/2022 22:28

What is wrong with you, just say no, did this need a MN thread?

PingPongMerrilyWithPie · 05/12/2022 22:28

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 05/12/2022 21:04

it's totally weird to pull dd out of paid-for childcare when you are supposed to be working in order to facilitate a playdate.

text back 'sorry actually can't do this after all, as pressure of work too much so dd has to go to childminder as usual. childminder's number is xxxxxxx if you want to see if she cab take on an extra child, or I can do a play date on (insert easiest nonworking day).

normally I would go with the "no is a complete sentence" line and say you don't have to justify your refusal, but given that you've said yes you will need to apologise a bit, but it's totally ok to back out as it was silly to say yes.

I think this response is good.

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 05/12/2022 22:28

Yeah totally it’s your mates fault you can’t say no, yup,not your fault at all,

blubberyboo · 05/12/2022 22:36

Just send your DD to cm anyway and then when her daughter is with you she will be so bored she’ll never want to come back again

templesit · 05/12/2022 22:39

Of course you could have said no.

She will keep asking as you've shown her she can walk all over you.

You need to cancel this 'play date' and stand up for what you really want.

Good luck.

jtaeapa · 05/12/2022 22:40

Message her back and say no, you cannot have her DD after all and your DD is going to the child minder. Tell her that both you and your DH need the time to work. Don't let her railroad you into this shit again.

blubberyboo · 05/12/2022 22:41

I think you also need to start dropping into conversation about all the things you do as part of your business start up

ie teams meetings planned at certain times when your daughter is safely at cms eg with suppliers/ agents/ clients whatever
working on advertising
make it clear you are at home working and not there as a sahm who also pays for childcare.

after all the reason you have scheduled and paid for the childcare is because you are working.

ohlookout · 05/12/2022 22:43

Just say no if you don't want to do it!

ScotlandEuropa · 05/12/2022 22:44

i work from home every day.

my kids go to after school club. Because I am working.

working from home does not mean “available for childcare”

allboysherebutme · 05/12/2022 22:46

It's your own fault you should have said no, I haven't got my own child, so I'm not going to the school.
Maybe you should have also said I can give you the childminders number if you want, you can see if she has any space, she charges ? An hour. X

CrappyUsername · 05/12/2022 22:49

You sound like a nice person. I think she put you on the spot and you wanted to be kind.

So if you go along with it this time then fine. Just don't let her do it again!!

Equally, I think it would be great if you could suddenly remember an appointment so your DD will need to go to the childminders after all and you can't be at school to pick up.

Ultimately, YANBU!

lamaze1 · 05/12/2022 22:58

You're at home working on starting your own business. That doesn't make you available. If she thinks it does, correct her misunderstanding. I agree with others that given you're paying for childcare that day, text her back and say you're not available to help out that day.

jannier · 05/12/2022 23:13

Why did don't you just say she's at the childminders because I'm busy. Surely people don't send kids to childcare if they could pick them up just because they have to pay anyway?

DixonD · 05/12/2022 23:15

WhatLikeItsHard · 05/12/2022 19:17

Just reply back and say no. "Sorry no, DD is at her childminder that day and we'll be working."

And then maybe suggest some other dates for play dates.

Despite your explanation OP, I don’t understand why you couldn’t have said this.

aloris · 05/12/2022 23:16

So... your friend doesn't pay for childcare because she resents the cost of it, but she thinks you should pay for childcare and then NOT USE IT so that you can babysit her child... for free?

Makes my brain hurt.