Not invited to a wedding - advice please!

[Derby2022]

Hi guys, long time reader, first time poster !

I cant sleep and something is playing on my mind
I dont know maybe want to rant? look for some advice?

I've known this woman since my teens, we are both now nearly 30 and I always hate to say it like this but I would consider her in our 'friendship circle' - all major milestones (weddings, babies, 18ths, 21sts, engagments etc) with in our group have been shared with this woman, theres 6 of us 'school friends' in this group, and she came into our lives when she moved into our sixth form when she was 17.... you know the usual routine with this - birthdays, marriages etc its always us on the same table with our DH's (not me I'm single!) etc - I wouldn't say I was the closest to her, as she moved away for a few years, but she's a nice enough woman and we get on great (and her husband to be is a lovely man)

Anyway I've always invited this person to EVERYTHING i've ever done (as is the standard in our group) however, she is getting married next year, and I recently met up with one of the girls for lunch and she mentioned about the dress she was wearing, and how excited she was for the big day, and it dawned on me that the invites to everything had obviously already been dished out...and mines obviously been lost in the post. I mentioned to "Sarah" (friend) that I'd not heard anything about it yet, and do you think "Chelsea" has forgot? To which "Sarah" told me that "oh she mentioned that she's all finished organising now, everything's done, hen sorted, all sorts"

I was slightly shocked and asked Sarah if I was even invited to which she said "Well I mean if your invite hasn't come yet, I'd say no probably not" and changed subject.

I really don't know what to do or think - we've never had a fall out or cross word, and I consider her a friend - but now I really don't know what to think anymore

2 weeks ago we was laughing and joking about my bad date, and then I found that out a few days later!

Because of the dynamic of the group, I don't want to prod or ask any questions as she can be a bit 'stroppy' when she wants to be (Ive heard reports she's been the ultimate bridezilla) and I don't want to ruin our friendship group - but it just feels like 15 years of friendship literally means nothing anymore?

I mean I totally get with weddings its about numbers and people and budgets etc, and I would totally respect if she only invited me to the evening reception but if you imagine a table of our friendship I am literally the only one who won't be on the table, despite that fact that its always been 'our group' and we've done all these things together before - As I said no fall outs or anything, and as far as I am aware she isn't cross with me for anything at all? I have also found out shes invited our friend "Jo"'s boyfriend despite the fact they've only been together for 8 months.

It's really made me question things now because I'm planning a big 30th birthday, and part of me wants to not invite her, purely because I obviously don't mean anything to her if she can't even invite me to her wedding (Reception at least) and also because why should I cater for, and accommodate her and her 2 children and DH(to be) if I'm not even worth an evening invite....

Problem is though that I don't want to risk upsetting our friendship dynamic, and because of her volatile temper, she is the type that would be in the group chat kicking off, or demanding I explain myself to her which would then cause tension between everyone.

AIBU to be upset by this?

Any advice on what to do for my 30th party, and things going forward?

So sorry for the long post but I have insomonia and writing these things helps me calm down

Just ask her now if you’re invited to her wedding. If not ask her if you’ve upset her. You’ve nothing to lose. If she says it’s down to numbers you can always use the same excuse to her.

You are allowed to feel anything you want to feel. As for your birthday, if you're not keen to invite her, don't. Friendship dynamics always change, op, and you're not responsible for how this woman feels about anything.

I'm quite a bit older that you, with a lot of experience under my belt, and I hope you learn quickly to not bother with people who really aren't your friend and who don't bring anything positive into your life, regardless of the fact that you may share mutual friends.

I'm PA so I'd probably go with a "the girls told me you're getting married next week, just wanted to wish you well and I've popped your card in the post"
Mix or rising above it but also making it clear you know

Feels like you’re spinning out without asking her. If your invite has gone awry, she might be assuming you’ve not bothered to get back to her and feeling slighted that you don’t appear to care. Or maybe she doesn’t want you there for some reason. Whatever it is, asking on here won’t answer it - you need to talk to her.

She has deliberately excluded you. I would miffed that of the remaining 4 girls only Sarah gave you the heads up - the others must have known you weren't invited.

I think invite to Jo's boyfriend of 8 months over a member of the 15 year friendship circle is an insult. This woman is sending you a loud message. Do NOT invite her to your birthday party. Don't worry about upsetting the group, she isn't worried about it. When you next go out a group just be pleasant but you don't have to extend personal invitations anymore.

Good luck OP

'Chelsea' isn't your friend and only spends time with you because of your mutual friends.

YANBU to be hurt. Why would a friend invite all the friendship group except one? Do the other friends, other than Sarah, know you haven’t been invited?

How can anyone on here possibly know that the OP has been excluded?

Were actual invitations sent out, do you know? Because they could have gone missing.

If invitations were sent by email or whatever, then you possibly have reason to be suspicious.

obviously don't invite her to your birthday.

drop her a message saying "just wanted to check - I haven't offended or upset you have I? I'm totally rocking the cool and mature attitude to being the only one in our group excluded from your wedding as I'm 99% sure it's just a numbers thing and obviously you can't invite everyone, but if I have done anything that's caused you upset then please tell me"

she will reply confirming that it's just numbers (in which case you know she just doesn't think you are as important as Jo's boyfriend that she barely knows so you basically aren't her friend) unless it actually is that your invite got lost in the post. and knowing where you stand is important

inviting her to your birthday would be needy and desperate. you don't need to share that day with non-friends.

And if she’s the type to ‘demand answers’, then just ask her. She’d do it to you, so you can ask her.

You don’t have to ‘demand answers’ (who in earth operates like that anyway?), you can just politely ask, like a normal person.

Wow how hurtful. Don’t invite her to your birthday! No! She hasn’t invited you to her wedding so she’s the one who caused the rift.

If she kicks off about not being invited just say “Since I wasn’t invited to your wedding I realised I needed to adjust my assumptions about how close we were.”

What a bitch.

I would be a bit 🤔 at the other girls too tbh. I'm also one of 6 from school, but a decade older. When Ann set a date, which was discussed on our group chat, we all sorted out a house share for overnight etc. Didn't occur to us one of us wasn't invited and would have come out pretty quickly so can't help but wonder if they've deliberately kept quiet and Chelsea just forgot it was a secret

Did you hear anything about the hen? Is one of the 6 the maid of honour ?

If she hasn't sent you an invitation and all invitations that are being sent have been, then you're not invited. It's as simple as that.
You say you are worried about whether you should invite her to your party, as you don't want to upset the table but she has already done that by not inviting you, so you don't owe her any consideration, certainly not to have to cater for her and her family.
If she kicks off, just reply that you thought since you were persona non grata at her do, then you assumed that you were no longer friends and no longer obliged to invite the other.
Also, since you weren't invited, don't fork out your money towards presents, cards, hen parties or any other bridal treat - if your company isn't good enough, neither is your money. Besides which, if she is some species of bridezilla, the best place to be is as far away as possible! Take the opportunity that has been handed to you on a plate and stay far away!

If you're the only one not invited then that's really mean. I'm in a group of 6 friends and if this happened I think we'd feel that one person being excluded is almost akin to bullying, we would all be seriously uncomfortable with this in our group. If I'd have been 'Sarah' I'd have asked 'Chelsea' if your invite had gotten lost in the post.

She's sending you a message loud and clear. Don't invite her to your 30th, no way. And she's OK to upset the group dynamics so don't worry about doing that, she's already done it! She'll think you're a pushover, if she's the type to be 'stroppy' then maybe she thinks she can get away with treating you like this and you'll take it, don't!

Are your other friends afraid of her? Just asking because it seems odd they haven't said anything about you being excluded. And if they are OK with this I'd be reconsidering my friendship with all of them.

I’d send a private message saying ‘Hey, just wanted to check, I’m assuming I’m not invited to the wedding? No worries at all if not but I didn’t want you to think I was ignoring the invitation if it got lost in the post’ hopefully she will come back with a reason and at least you’ll have it confirmed! Such strange behaviour on her part, honestly don’t worry about it. Don’t feel guilty about not inviting her to your birthday. She has set the tone now.

I think this is perfect. Gets it out in the open while still being friendly in tone.

If she hasn’t invited you to the wedding then surely the friend dynamic is already ruined .

I can see why you are hurt that you haven't been invited. Do you have to decide on your birthday now? If you don't want to invite her, don't. If you're not sure, then just invite the people you want to now and if you feel like inviting her later, then do that. If possible, I'd give it a few weeks and then ask a mutual friend for their opinion (they'd be in a better position as they actually know you both in RL). It could be a genuine budget constraint and you didn't make the cut (I don't mean that in a harsh way)

OP, from whom did you find out 'Jo's' boyfriend was also invited?

YWBU to not ask her directly. YANBU to be hurt at being left out.

Nothing to lose by asking her straight out.
Bear in mind that while Jo may have only known her boyfriend for a few months, the bride might have known him for ages or have some family connection etc etc

that’s disappointing, but nothing to be done but wish her well.

I had a similar situation years ago although wasn’t as close to the woman concerned we were definitely in a friendship circle of 6.

I wouldn’t have minded so much had she not kicked up a strop about me not inviting her boyfriend - who I’d never met - to my wedding a few years earlier.

I did invite him to keep the peace. She di not marry him 🤷‍♀️

Maybe the evening invitations haven’t been sent out yet and the hen hasn’t been arranged yet

If she kicks off about not being invited just say “Since I wasn’t invited to your wedding I realised I needed to adjust my assumptions about how close we were.”

This sounds a perfect response, and no, I wouldn't be inviting her to my birthday if I were you. Leaving one person out of a friendship group for a wedding is plain rude, so why would you care if she kicks off about your birthday?