Not invited to a wedding - advice please!

[Derby2022]

Hi guys, long time reader, first time poster !

I cant sleep and something is playing on my mind
I dont know maybe want to rant? look for some advice?

I've known this woman since my teens, we are both now nearly 30 and I always hate to say it like this but I would consider her in our 'friendship circle' - all major milestones (weddings, babies, 18ths, 21sts, engagments etc) with in our group have been shared with this woman, theres 6 of us 'school friends' in this group, and she came into our lives when she moved into our sixth form when she was 17.... you know the usual routine with this - birthdays, marriages etc its always us on the same table with our DH's (not me I'm single!) etc - I wouldn't say I was the closest to her, as she moved away for a few years, but she's a nice enough woman and we get on great (and her husband to be is a lovely man)

Anyway I've always invited this person to EVERYTHING i've ever done (as is the standard in our group) however, she is getting married next year, and I recently met up with one of the girls for lunch and she mentioned about the dress she was wearing, and how excited she was for the big day, and it dawned on me that the invites to everything had obviously already been dished out...and mines obviously been lost in the post. I mentioned to "Sarah" (friend) that I'd not heard anything about it yet, and do you think "Chelsea" has forgot? To which "Sarah" told me that "oh she mentioned that she's all finished organising now, everything's done, hen sorted, all sorts"

I was slightly shocked and asked Sarah if I was even invited to which she said "Well I mean if your invite hasn't come yet, I'd say no probably not" and changed subject.

I really don't know what to do or think - we've never had a fall out or cross word, and I consider her a friend - but now I really don't know what to think anymore

2 weeks ago we was laughing and joking about my bad date, and then I found that out a few days later!

Because of the dynamic of the group, I don't want to prod or ask any questions as she can be a bit 'stroppy' when she wants to be (Ive heard reports she's been the ultimate bridezilla) and I don't want to ruin our friendship group - but it just feels like 15 years of friendship literally means nothing anymore?

I mean I totally get with weddings its about numbers and people and budgets etc, and I would totally respect if she only invited me to the evening reception but if you imagine a table of our friendship I am literally the only one who won't be on the table, despite that fact that its always been 'our group' and we've done all these things together before - As I said no fall outs or anything, and as far as I am aware she isn't cross with me for anything at all? I have also found out shes invited our friend "Jo"'s boyfriend despite the fact they've only been together for 8 months.

It's really made me question things now because I'm planning a big 30th birthday, and part of me wants to not invite her, purely because I obviously don't mean anything to her if she can't even invite me to her wedding (Reception at least) and also because why should I cater for, and accommodate her and her 2 children and DH(to be) if I'm not even worth an evening invite....

Problem is though that I don't want to risk upsetting our friendship dynamic, and because of her volatile temper, she is the type that would be in the group chat kicking off, or demanding I explain myself to her which would then cause tension between everyone.

AIBU to be upset by this?

Any advice on what to do for my 30th party, and things going forward?

So sorry for the long post but I have insomonia and writing these things helps me calm down

I would just be an adult about it and ask there could be a perfectly innocent explanation and yet here are a bunch of strangers turning it into something it may not be and could possibly make the situation worst.

I'd be hurt. Even if you've only tolerated each other as part of the wider circle, she's the one choosing to take the lead on changing the dynamic, so it's all on her if things do change.

Don't invite her to your 30th!

But I would try and let it not affect your friendship with the others. She has put them in a very awkward position.

Your friend ‘Sarah’ sounded very casual about the fact you don’t seem to be invited. Is it that you are much closer to others in the group but have a more periphery friendship with ‘Chelsea’? For instance do you see the others individually but would only see Chelsea within the group? It wouldn’t excuse a non invite but it might explain it. I had a friendship group years ago but one of them I would never see outside that group so a non invite from her would not have surprised me.

you think your friends she clearly thinks otherwise and doesn’t want you at your wedding.
do not invite her to your birthday, I don’t think she’d have the cheek to demand answers . I’d be like seriously I didn’t get an invite to your wedding why you do care about my party .
im afraid you need to toughen up op you sound like the kind of person to say and do nothing but be upset about it and my guess is you will invite her to the party for fear of upsetting anyone.

@My2pence2day
Don't try and get an invite or ask for an invite. It will come across as trying to make the bride feel bad and makes OP look like the bad one. It's obvious that the invite wasn't lost in the mail (dont people follow up on RSVP?). Yes it's mean, so don't invite her to your birthday, she's not a close friend, make some cool plans for you on the wedding day and forget about her. YANU to feel upset though

This is a very sensible response ^

Look it's completely ok to feel hurt and let down. Accept your feelings as they are natural.

But I disagree with all the suggestions of asking her if you're invited or not. It's crystal clear. You are not invited. If your invitation was lost in the post the bride will have already asked why you haven't RSVPd or chased you up for an answer. She has not. There is no invitation.

Why would you stoop to her level and ask why there's no invite? She's only going to trot out some bland number excuse. She's hardly going to say 'look I don't actually like you; or you a lower level less important friend to me'. Come on!

In reality just take it on the chin and move forward with your interactions based on the knowledge that you are not as important to her as you thought. Then use that to make your decisions about whether you continue to include her in your celebrations.

By the way it is extremely likely that all the other friends in this group will know you're not invited.

If you are part of a group since school then it’s pretty bad to exclude one person especially if as a group things have been done in the past. It’s also pretty bad of the other girls not to say anything to you.

I would speak to the bride and ask outright if you have been invited. If she says no etc. then it will change the dynamic of the group regardless whether you want it too.

I have tendencies to take things personally and not forgive easily so in that situation I’d be reassessing the whole thing tbh.

1- how do you know the whole group is invited but you? the post says you met up with one friend, Sarah, and she is invited. But she didn't know that you were not invited (correct?) which implies that she isn't across all the bride's plans to invite x but not y (why should she be?). So unless you give us more info, all I get from the OP is that Sarah has received an invitation and you have not. Oh, also Jo and her partner. So - it might not be the whole group except you. It might be that Chelsea has invited certain close friends and their significant others, rather than a whole host of women she met years ago and they all know each other.

2 - Why should she invite you, or anyone, just because sometimes you all go out to lunch? That isn't an emotional connection. Maybe she and Sarah and Jo really "get" each other, maybe one of them showed up one Saturday morning with coffee and croissants after Chelsea spent all night crying over a bereavement or a bad break up. Friendship isn't a group of people who sat on the same table in the 6th form common room.

3 - Do you have any real friends? If not, maybe think about making some - either improving the connection with people you already know, or meeting some new people. You sound quite self centred and maybe people only get so far with you because of it.

Can understand that you're hurt OP, the bride obviously can invite who she wants and the same goes for you and your 30th. If your mutual friend knew you weren't invited and was discussing the wedding it was very insensitive of her too. Not a fan of weddings myself, having seen so many friends/colleagues get married/divorced/remarried. Ignore the wedding and these false friends and enjoy your 30th without them.

Just ask her directly, you have nothing to lose. “Hey I haven’t received a wedding invite - I totally understand if numbers are tight and I’m not invited but I wanted to check in case it got lost in the post”. If she’s a friend she’ll explain either way.

I would do this. Just ask her. Otherwise you’ll be dwelling on this for ages. Ask her and you can get closure one way or another.

This.

Sarah doesn't sound nice either and it sounds as if she knows well that you are not invited.

You don't sound particularly fond of her so start focusing on other friendships and forget about your 30th.

You can calmly state that the 30th is a close friends party.

You can take it that you are not close friends with bridezilla.

Op sounds self centred. Really? The group get together regularly for life events, not just a spot of lunch from time to time. It’s reaching to suggest there is no emotional connection and justify the exclusion in this manner. Sarah sounds mean and is talking about the hotheaded bride behind her back. Goodness knows what she’s saying about op.

Great answer.

And when Talking with her, you might find out your invitation was lost in the mail, after all.

I’m sorry, OP, that she doesn’t seem to have the connection with you that you thought. You’ve suddenly become aware that what you thought was true, was not. This can hurt. And cause us to question our own judgement too.

She really should have been straight with you and upfront told you that you arent invited and why.

Bottom line is you aren’t as close with her as you thought you were.

I mean, it is possible your invite was lost in the mail, it happens

Whoops, was editing my post and hit post instead of preview - it’s a bit repetitive, sorry.

Develop a backbone and do this! Sadly she’s not the friend you thought. And the way you describe her, who cares!? Stay friends with the others, and you can be civil to her when you see her if it’s awkward, but otherwise avoid.

Do people find this very odd? I know of far too many families where something like this happens repeatedly. Events are actively concealed, invitations aren't issued, and everyone else goes along with it without ever asking why. In fact, they end up actively colluding and then acting as if there isn't a problem and blaming it on the ostracised person.

It's very common in my experience. People collude in this sort of betrayal all the time.

I also agree she hasn't invited you on purpose. Your obviously not as good friends with her as you thought you was. Personally, I wouldn't mention anything but any birthdays/events I do in the future. She wouldn't be invited either. I think it's really nasty out of your whole friend group that she excluded you. There's a reason for it.

When next year is she getting married? If it's January I understand invites being out but if it's July, surely not. The information you have is from one person and it reads as if she is not too sure what is happening. Before you do anything else you need to establish if everything is organised and if invitations to wedding, hen do etc have been sent out. Ask some of the others, subtly, what their understanding is.

Yep, I’ve seen this happen. The acceptance of the decision to exclude someone was just accepted by all those friends who were included, and it was glossed over, like it shouldn’t have been any other way. It was weird.

I have wondered over the past year or so, if people are getting more selfish and less concerned about friends etc. I’ve wondered if no one wanting to cause upset is due to everything seeming a bit harder post covid,. That exhaustion has set in, and lots of anxiety for two years has ended in a sort of emotional numbness for some.

I never understand why anyone has any kind of relationship with a person who 'kicks off'. Repulsive behaviour, not to be indulged. None of these people are your friend-secret chat groups and excluding people is for 8yr olds.

YANBU to feel upset at all, your other friends should have had your back too and not just changed subject. And she is in no position to "kick off" about a non-invite to your 30th after this.

It sucks OP but dynamics change, you can't make old friends as they say but you sure as hell can find nicer ones.

OP clearly you haven’t been invited to the wedding or the hen do.

If your invite had been lost in the post then surely, as your close friends the bride or one within your friendship group would have reached out by now and asked why you hadn’t responded?

Chasing responses to invites is part of organising weddings, you need the numbers for the wedding breakfast etc so it isn’t likely that she wouldn’t chase - and as you say she’s become a ‘bridezilla’, so even less likely.

Going forward I would not raise this with the group or bride & I would discount the bride from your birthday celebrations.
Invite your other ‘friends’ as their response to this will answer any questions you have regarding your friendship, but don’t approach the bride before the wedding, as this will only cause more friction and drama and you will be painted as the bad guy trying to ruin her ‘big day’.

Im sorry you are being treated so appallingly- but on the positive side, from this you will learn who your friends truly are.

I think it depends on when next year the wedding is. If it’s say, January then maybe contact her but if it’s summer, then it’s still very early to send invites out IMO.

TBH I dont think your spinning out.

I have never been invited to a wedding without several informal 'spoken' invites first before the the formal one arrives, also if you where invited to the 'sorted' hen you would clearly know.

I mean do people on mumsnet recieved suprise written invitations to weddings out of the blue without having talked to the couple getting married about their wedding?