Not invited to a wedding - advice please!

[Derby2022]

Hi guys, long time reader, first time poster !

I cant sleep and something is playing on my mind
I dont know maybe want to rant? look for some advice?

I've known this woman since my teens, we are both now nearly 30 and I always hate to say it like this but I would consider her in our 'friendship circle' - all major milestones (weddings, babies, 18ths, 21sts, engagments etc) with in our group have been shared with this woman, theres 6 of us 'school friends' in this group, and she came into our lives when she moved into our sixth form when she was 17.... you know the usual routine with this - birthdays, marriages etc its always us on the same table with our DH's (not me I'm single!) etc - I wouldn't say I was the closest to her, as she moved away for a few years, but she's a nice enough woman and we get on great (and her husband to be is a lovely man)

Anyway I've always invited this person to EVERYTHING i've ever done (as is the standard in our group) however, she is getting married next year, and I recently met up with one of the girls for lunch and she mentioned about the dress she was wearing, and how excited she was for the big day, and it dawned on me that the invites to everything had obviously already been dished out...and mines obviously been lost in the post. I mentioned to "Sarah" (friend) that I'd not heard anything about it yet, and do you think "Chelsea" has forgot? To which "Sarah" told me that "oh she mentioned that she's all finished organising now, everything's done, hen sorted, all sorts"

I was slightly shocked and asked Sarah if I was even invited to which she said "Well I mean if your invite hasn't come yet, I'd say no probably not" and changed subject.

I really don't know what to do or think - we've never had a fall out or cross word, and I consider her a friend - but now I really don't know what to think anymore

2 weeks ago we was laughing and joking about my bad date, and then I found that out a few days later!

Because of the dynamic of the group, I don't want to prod or ask any questions as she can be a bit 'stroppy' when she wants to be (Ive heard reports she's been the ultimate bridezilla) and I don't want to ruin our friendship group - but it just feels like 15 years of friendship literally means nothing anymore?

I mean I totally get with weddings its about numbers and people and budgets etc, and I would totally respect if she only invited me to the evening reception but if you imagine a table of our friendship I am literally the only one who won't be on the table, despite that fact that its always been 'our group' and we've done all these things together before - As I said no fall outs or anything, and as far as I am aware she isn't cross with me for anything at all? I have also found out shes invited our friend "Jo"'s boyfriend despite the fact they've only been together for 8 months.

It's really made me question things now because I'm planning a big 30th birthday, and part of me wants to not invite her, purely because I obviously don't mean anything to her if she can't even invite me to her wedding (Reception at least) and also because why should I cater for, and accommodate her and her 2 children and DH(to be) if I'm not even worth an evening invite....

Problem is though that I don't want to risk upsetting our friendship dynamic, and because of her volatile temper, she is the type that would be in the group chat kicking off, or demanding I explain myself to her which would then cause tension between everyone.

AIBU to be upset by this?

Any advice on what to do for my 30th party, and things going forward?

So sorry for the long post but I have insomonia and writing these things helps me calm down

I think you need to speak to her and find out what this is all about. If she cannot give you a reason then the friendship is over and you don't invite her to your birthday bash.
Have your other friends mentioned this? It seems a little odd that one of the group is left out and no one comments.

Are you absolutely sure it's just you she has missed out of the friendship group? Could your invite have got lost in the post? There has been postal strikes. I haven't received some post one being an important medical appointment for DD. So of course we missed it.

You are perfectly entitled to feel hurt. I've been in a similar situation and yes of course you know people can invite who they like and numbers are limited etc etc but it still feels awful to be excluded. You are heading into a news decade in your life so onwards and upwards and time to reevaluate these so called friends.

I had a similar situation, I was totally gutted. We spoke about it about a year later and had a heart to heart and she told me that she just hadn't felt as close to me at the time. I told her how much it really hurt me and now we're as close as ever.

On the other side of things, I was at another friends wedding and the bride was furious because someone very close to her 'just hadn't turned up'. Turns out bride and groom had forgotten to send the friend an invite, and the friend wished she had said something in advance so she hadn't missed the wedding for nothing!

You're single. There's your answer. But yes, ask her and do the same back to her. Only fair!

Voted YABU because this women doesn’t sound like a friend, weddings also seem to bring out the worst in everyone!

Absolutely this. Listen to what this ‘friend’ is telling you through her actions.

Sounds like she’s told the others your not invited. Some people are just horrendously fake. It’s a tough lesson to learn, but it’s the nature of some people you’ll find the others will say nowt cos they don’t want to get involved. But you know they know……

My first thought was that your invite has got lost in the post. Find out if this is the case first then go from there.

You can't upset the friendship group - that's already happened if she has not invited you but has invited the others (and boyfriend).

Sorry if this had already been said, but the post is really up the creak due to strikes, your invite might have got lost. Best to ask your friend if she has sent you one.

OP ain’t coming back.

She sounds a shallow soul, I agree with another poster pop her a lovely message just saying, Christmas is nearly up on us & I’m trying to get myself organised; I didn’t catch where you’ve placed your wedding gift list, could you remind me & I can start browsing through it.
hopefully iIt will force her hand one of two ways she ways she will either say oh don’t bother with a gift as your not even invited leaving the way open for you to ask what have you done to offend her or she will tell you & say some bullshit like I am so embarrassed I was going to pop to see you, I’ve no idea how this has happened but I’ve found your invited wedged in the lining off my bag I had no idea you must be so confused as to why you’ve not received your invite.
fingers crossed you’ll get a happy outcome but be realistic she might just be a sour faced bitch x

I would message and say I believe your getting married and see what she says.

I've always been surprised and a little hurt by the weddings I haven't been invited to, or had evening only invites. I wasn't invited to one of my bridesmaids' weddings nor to one of my close friends, despite having been at the Groom's birthday bash about six months prior. Don't let it affect your friendship and invite her to your 30th. Don't stoop to her level and let her feel bad you weren't there.

Do the 6 of you have a shared WhatsApp group? If so seems strange it hasn’t been mentioned on there!!

Not read entire thread but just wanted to say a friends invite to my DS wedding never arrived. It was an evening invitation and she didn't chase up all of those replies so just presumed she'd received it and was going, turns out the friend hadn't received anything and wondered why she was on the hen do! Both were really upset, DS for thinking her friend had thought she hadn't been invited and obviously the friend didn't like to say anything and just thought what you did! The post atm is awful so quite possible.

Moral of the story...ask her! You can do it in a jokey/calm way then see...

If it is deliberate then that is really hurtful and tbh would be the end of the friendship for me.

Please don’t ask, it’s cringe. The OP has obviously not been invited, the hen do has been arranged. There’s probably a WhatsApp wedding group and a WhatsApp hen do group. Her name couldn’t have accidentally been excluded from both of these and the invitation list.

You could be dodging a bullet here.

1. You have already mentioned how she can be “stroppy” with a “volatile temper” and she would be the type to “kick off” in a group chat and “cause tension”.

2. She is a Bridezilla.

It doesn’t sound like you particularly like her or her behavior. 30 is around the age that friendships often start changing as people move on, marry and/or just realise they don’t have much in common with old friends.

Not inviting you to her wedding is a Trump Card. You can now feel free to not include her whenever you want, because obviously she doesn’t consider you a person to prioritize.

She sounds like the kind of person you are happy to see the back of, or see very infrequently.

You don’t have to justify yourself or apologize for not inviting her. Just do what you want, as she clearly has. You don’t need to be unpleasant or petty about it, just step back from trying to include her with your other friends.

You may want to double check that that there is no way you were invited just so you can be sure that’s where you stand now. It can be painful but in the long run seeing less of “volatile” people is usually a positive gain.

Actually I agree with @NoelNoNoel if you aren’t invited to anything that’s all you need to know.

I had a friend from childhood who was my best friend for years. She was my maid of honour at my wedding. She got married nearly 2 years after I did. She didn’t invite me to her wedding because I’d just had a baby, and she didn’t want any babies at her wedding. She had children at her wedding, but she said she didn’t want any babies there. I’ve barely spoken to her since, and this was 15 years ago. It totally broke up our friendship, by all accounts she is a stranger to me now. She isn’t the same person I grew up with to be honest, she really changed and forgot herself.

I think Weddings and Wills can bring out the worst in people because certain decisions have to be made and boundaries drawn (who gets invited, who gets an inheritance) and so assumptions of what the relationship was and the reality can be painful. You can’t operate on vagueness any more.

I wouldn't say anything now, nor would i invite her to my party. However, would be careful as with someone i know on two occasions she seemingly was told that she wasn't invited to a wedding and on purpose booked a holiday around the date of the wedding in spite. (One wedding was her godson) She got an invite in the post to both.
When exactly is the wedding- invites usually sent out 6 to 8 weeks before date, could it be lost due or delayed due to Royal Mail strikes

If you are very good friends this to me seems weird as i am sure its all been up for discussion with you all most of the time - like what to wear, accommodation travel arrangements etc

Why are people still responding?! The poster has not even been on to respond back. I wonder if she will even come back to read all the responses.

This happened to me a while back with a girl I was very close to at my previous job. I found out she had invited the office BULLY (to shut her up) but hadn't invited me. She said my invite had got lost in the post and I did end up being invited, BUT at the very end and I've always wondered if I wasn't on the original list. My feelings for her were never the same after that and to be honest I'm sorry I even ended up spending the money to go. As for not inviting her to your 30th, why should you? I'd even say 'oh well I wasn't at your wedding so I assumed we weren't doing big invites anymore?'