Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to a wedding - advice please!

295 replies

Derby2022 · 05/12/2022 00:38

Hi guys, long time reader, first time poster !

I cant sleep and something is playing on my mind
I dont know maybe want to rant? look for some advice?

I've known this woman since my teens, we are both now nearly 30 and I always hate to say it like this but I would consider her in our 'friendship circle' - all major milestones (weddings, babies, 18ths, 21sts, engagments etc) with in our group have been shared with this woman, theres 6 of us 'school friends' in this group, and she came into our lives when she moved into our sixth form when she was 17.... you know the usual routine with this - birthdays, marriages etc its always us on the same table with our DH's (not me I'm single!) etc - I wouldn't say I was the closest to her, as she moved away for a few years, but she's a nice enough woman and we get on great (and her husband to be is a lovely man)

Anyway I've always invited this person to EVERYTHING i've ever done (as is the standard in our group) however, she is getting married next year, and I recently met up with one of the girls for lunch and she mentioned about the dress she was wearing, and how excited she was for the big day, and it dawned on me that the invites to everything had obviously already been dished out...and mines obviously been lost in the post. I mentioned to "Sarah" (friend) that I'd not heard anything about it yet, and do you think "Chelsea" has forgot? To which "Sarah" told me that "oh she mentioned that she's all finished organising now, everything's done, hen sorted, all sorts"

I was slightly shocked and asked Sarah if I was even invited to which she said "Well I mean if your invite hasn't come yet, I'd say no probably not" and changed subject.

I really don't know what to do or think - we've never had a fall out or cross word, and I consider her a friend - but now I really don't know what to think anymore

2 weeks ago we was laughing and joking about my bad date, and then I found that out a few days later!

Because of the dynamic of the group, I don't want to prod or ask any questions as she can be a bit 'stroppy' when she wants to be (Ive heard reports she's been the ultimate bridezilla) and I don't want to ruin our friendship group - but it just feels like 15 years of friendship literally means nothing anymore?

I mean I totally get with weddings its about numbers and people and budgets etc, and I would totally respect if she only invited me to the evening reception but if you imagine a table of our friendship I am literally the only one who won't be on the table, despite that fact that its always been 'our group' and we've done all these things together before - As I said no fall outs or anything, and as far as I am aware she isn't cross with me for anything at all? I have also found out shes invited our friend "Jo"'s boyfriend despite the fact they've only been together for 8 months.

It's really made me question things now because I'm planning a big 30th birthday, and part of me wants to not invite her, purely because I obviously don't mean anything to her if she can't even invite me to her wedding (Reception at least) and also because why should I cater for, and accommodate her and her 2 children and DH(to be) if I'm not even worth an evening invite....

Problem is though that I don't want to risk upsetting our friendship dynamic, and because of her volatile temper, she is the type that would be in the group chat kicking off, or demanding I explain myself to her which would then cause tension between everyone.

AIBU to be upset by this?

Any advice on what to do for my 30th party, and things going forward?

So sorry for the long post but I have insomonia and writing these things helps me calm down

OP posts:
dolor · 05/12/2022 05:47

You'll be needing this.

Not invited to a wedding - advice please!
poefaced · 05/12/2022 05:52

But the hen do is also sorted and OP isn’t invited to that either.

OP should ask but it sounds like she’s not invited.

StClare101 · 05/12/2022 05:56

It doesn’t sound like you are friends with her though. Have you ever met up with her 1:1? You call her “this woman” throughout your post. That’s not normal for a close friendship!

JenniferBarkley · 05/12/2022 06:03

Very poor form not to invite one of a defined group like that. Are the others definitely all invited?

Don't invite her to your birthday, and if anyone says anything just laugh and say you took the hint with the wedding.

RosesAndHellebores · 05/12/2022 06:04

I think there's a subliminal you're the single friend and don't fit neatly into her ideals. But how close are you really apart from a shared 6th form experience: interests, politics, careers, etc?

My2pence2day · 05/12/2022 06:11

I really don't think you should ask her, it's obvious you weren't invited. The only purpose of 'confronting' her is to create drama.
I doubt the invite got lost in the mail, people follow up on RSVP, plus it sounds like your friend Sarah (who seems like a cow for bringing it up) was giving you a hint. Forget these people and enjoy your birthday without them.

HarvestThyme · 05/12/2022 06:13

YANBU to be hurt. And no, don't invite her to your birthday party as that would upset you.

I would talk to her - after the wedding, if it's not too far in the future. There's no point in clarifying your invitation status: you have not been invited. If you had been, and had failed to RSVP, you would have been contacted to confirm, or a mutual friend would have mentioned.

Bringing this up before the wedding would sound like angling for an invitation, and even if she did that, you'd still be (rightly) upset. If you do discuss it with her before the wedding, be clear that you do not want an invitation now.

Be nice to yourself. Spend some time with better friends.

She may have a justification that will satisfy you or she may not.

houseargh · 05/12/2022 06:13

Bear in mind that Royal Mail service is truly atrocious atm, we have had any number of things go missing over the last few months (or first class take three weeks type of thing). So if you don't mind creating a bit of awkwardness, you might want to ask - if she hasn't invited you, the friendship probably isn't recovering anyway, so nothing to lose

InsomniacVampire · 05/12/2022 06:17

Billybear1 · 05/12/2022 03:35

Just Why would you go to a wedding you are not invited to??

Show quote history

"Going nuclear" does not mean to go to the wedding.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/12/2022 06:18

houseargh · 05/12/2022 06:13

Bear in mind that Royal Mail service is truly atrocious atm, we have had any number of things go missing over the last few months (or first class take three weeks type of thing). So if you don't mind creating a bit of awkwardness, you might want to ask - if she hasn't invited you, the friendship probably isn't recovering anyway, so nothing to lose

This is also my take. If she’s a spiky personality, she may be crazy angry with you for not responding. The post I quoted for me is succinct without begging. For all you know, she could be saying horrible things to the others, either because you haven’t responded or for some other unknown and unkind reason. I imagine it could because you’re single. You say she’s becoming a bit of a bridezilla. This would be incredibly shallow and she’d have been better off to invite you with a plus one or not invited Jo’s boyfriend.

IAmTi · 05/12/2022 06:21

She has deliberately excluded you. I would miffed that of the remaining 4 girls only Sarah gave you the heads up - the others must have known you weren't invited. not necessarily.

IAmTi · 05/12/2022 06:24

You could try saying to the bride that you're just about to book a holiday for next year and wanted to avoid the wedding date if you were invited so just checking? No worries if I'm not just didn't want to double book.

heartbroken22 · 05/12/2022 06:25

I'd message and ask just so that she can't pull off the ohh your invite got lost in the post crap.

I'd be wary of Sarah too she sounds passive aggressive and rude.

Remaker · 05/12/2022 06:32

Why don’t you ask one of the mutual friends to ask her. They could say you’d asked about the wedding and it felt awkward so they would appreciate knowing what has happened.

I must say your friend Sarah could have easily done this instead of just shrugging you off. Are you sure all these people are really your friends?

HoisttheMainSail · 05/12/2022 06:35

My first thought was that her husband to be fancies you!

In terms of going forward, I will firstly ask your best friend in the group to see if she knows anything. I reckon this will have been discussed by the friends in the middle of all this. Then take it from there.

If you decide to raise it with her. I would avoid any PA messaging.
Just be concise and clear and unemotional.
Keep the moral night ground and realise that she values you less that you valued her.

Good luck

DrManhattan · 05/12/2022 06:43

I'd just ask her

Spidey66 · 05/12/2022 06:43

That's quite hurtful if she hasn't invited you. I think you need to ask her. You could always use the recent spate of postal strikes as an opening gambit. 'I didn't receive an invite, I wonder if it got lost in the postal strike?'

Mogwire · 05/12/2022 06:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Zanatdy · 05/12/2022 06:49

I think that’s very rude and upsetting for you. I’d also feel hurt. I’d invite her to my party though, and I’d send her a card for her wedding, to make her feel bad

BornBlonde · 05/12/2022 06:49

You say she moved away? Do you ever see here 121 etc?

Tirrrrred · 05/12/2022 06:49

If the hen do is sorted didn't any of your friends wonder why you weren't included?

I bet their is definitely a couple of what's app groups.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 05/12/2022 06:51

I'd just ask her. It doesn't sound like an invite got lost in the post if you weren't included in the hen do though. I'd be surprised at your other friends too as they would've noticed you weren't invited to the hen do (at least I certainly would've noticed!). I wouldn't extend an invite to her for your birthday - you won't be causing the tension, she did by not inviting you to her wedding and deciding to let you find out from someone else, which isn't on. If she sends volatile messages, just don't respond, quite frankly she doesn't deserve the time of day. You do need to talk to her first though to find out exactly what the situation is.

Tirrrrred · 05/12/2022 06:52

Inviting someone to your 30th isn't the same as a wedding.

Toocooltoboogie · 05/12/2022 06:56

Maybe I'm wrong but the tone of your post implies your not that keen on her really and your friends with her simply because she's part of your old friend group. Maybe she has picked up on that or feels the same way.

KatherineJaneway · 05/12/2022 06:57

If you don't feel you can ask her directly then you'll just have to assume you're not invited. However there is no way she'd be invited to my 30th.