Not invited to a wedding - advice please!

[Derby2022]

Hi guys, long time reader, first time poster !

I cant sleep and something is playing on my mind
I dont know maybe want to rant? look for some advice?

I've known this woman since my teens, we are both now nearly 30 and I always hate to say it like this but I would consider her in our 'friendship circle' - all major milestones (weddings, babies, 18ths, 21sts, engagments etc) with in our group have been shared with this woman, theres 6 of us 'school friends' in this group, and she came into our lives when she moved into our sixth form when she was 17.... you know the usual routine with this - birthdays, marriages etc its always us on the same table with our DH's (not me I'm single!) etc - I wouldn't say I was the closest to her, as she moved away for a few years, but she's a nice enough woman and we get on great (and her husband to be is a lovely man)

Anyway I've always invited this person to EVERYTHING i've ever done (as is the standard in our group) however, she is getting married next year, and I recently met up with one of the girls for lunch and she mentioned about the dress she was wearing, and how excited she was for the big day, and it dawned on me that the invites to everything had obviously already been dished out...and mines obviously been lost in the post. I mentioned to "Sarah" (friend) that I'd not heard anything about it yet, and do you think "Chelsea" has forgot? To which "Sarah" told me that "oh she mentioned that she's all finished organising now, everything's done, hen sorted, all sorts"

I was slightly shocked and asked Sarah if I was even invited to which she said "Well I mean if your invite hasn't come yet, I'd say no probably not" and changed subject.

I really don't know what to do or think - we've never had a fall out or cross word, and I consider her a friend - but now I really don't know what to think anymore

2 weeks ago we was laughing and joking about my bad date, and then I found that out a few days later!

Because of the dynamic of the group, I don't want to prod or ask any questions as she can be a bit 'stroppy' when she wants to be (Ive heard reports she's been the ultimate bridezilla) and I don't want to ruin our friendship group - but it just feels like 15 years of friendship literally means nothing anymore?

I mean I totally get with weddings its about numbers and people and budgets etc, and I would totally respect if she only invited me to the evening reception but if you imagine a table of our friendship I am literally the only one who won't be on the table, despite that fact that its always been 'our group' and we've done all these things together before - As I said no fall outs or anything, and as far as I am aware she isn't cross with me for anything at all? I have also found out shes invited our friend "Jo"'s boyfriend despite the fact they've only been together for 8 months.

It's really made me question things now because I'm planning a big 30th birthday, and part of me wants to not invite her, purely because I obviously don't mean anything to her if she can't even invite me to her wedding (Reception at least) and also because why should I cater for, and accommodate her and her 2 children and DH(to be) if I'm not even worth an evening invite....

Problem is though that I don't want to risk upsetting our friendship dynamic, and because of her volatile temper, she is the type that would be in the group chat kicking off, or demanding I explain myself to her which would then cause tension between everyone.

AIBU to be upset by this?

Any advice on what to do for my 30th party, and things going forward?

So sorry for the long post but I have insomonia and writing these things helps me calm down

OP about think about your age (I'm 10 years older) these friendships that have lasted through school/uni/college often start to break up a bit. Maybe this group isn't what you thought? I think she should have invited you, but equally what often happens after weddings is a mountain of boring house and kid stuff anyway and people lose touch because there's not much to talk about. So she might have done you a favour.

What you need to think about now is whether your friendship with any of the other people in the group is important to you and you want to work on. Not inviting this bride to your party or kicking up a fuss about not being invited to the wedding seems like a sure-fire way to risk losing your friendship with other ones of them.

In your shoes, I'd feel hurt but decide to put a bit less importance on those friendships from now on. I'd also invite the bride to your party, innocently ask her about the wedding and let her have to brazen it out.

Urgh
The lot of them sound horrible.
Bridezilla has clearly deliberately left you out. Invites sent through the post are different to the hen do invites on WhatsApp/messenger etc.
And nobody else in the friendship group has questioned you being left out? Or checked in with you about it? I’ve been the one invited and checked in with the one left out just to say ‘I’m really sorry, I didn’t know until now you weren’t included. I hope you’re OK, it wasn’t me who made the decision. Let’s just us do something on x date’
screw the lot of them and don’t invite any of them to your 30th.

If she's ok with not inviting you to her wedding, then that is the group dynamic thing out the window anyway. If she doesn't want you at her wedding, she won't be fussed about coming to your birthday party, and the rest of the group can deal with that in the same way they're dealing with you not being invited to the wedding.
But i would clarify with her, just get it out in the open - hey stroppy bridezilla who i don't really like that much, I was chatting to mutual friend the other day about your wedding next year and how excited she was - i just wanted to confirm that you didn't send me an invite? I haven't received one so have assumed I am not part of the guest list but thought I would check in case of strikes and to avoid awkwardness over the next few months!!

@VainAbigail its written in the OP that the invites for everything are out, hen party organised.

YANBU to be upset, but from what you describe, seems a friendship that may be ending.

I've had friends literally just forget to invite me to their wedding before, without meaning to.

Something similar happened to me, a very old friendship-group friend, who I used to be extremely personally close to, but in recent years not so much, but still very much part of the group.

When it came to her big birthday she made it very clear I didn’t need to bother coming to her party (she didn’t invited everyone else in the group before me, then when she did eventually get round to it, her message didn’t even include the venue or time, but did say she didn’t expect me to come.

Initially I was hurt, but then I realised she really wasn’t a friend any more. When I really thought about the last few years of our “friendship” and various events/interactions with her, I realised she was actually a cold, judgemental cow and she never supported or was warm towards me at all. She was just “there” at group events and in the group chat.

Ive since had a major milestone party and didn’t invite her.

It has massively affected the group dynamic - but that’s down to how she acted initially. My actions were simply a reaction to that. Friendships evolve and our mutual friends have all moved on too.

OP don’t follow up on the lack of invite. Book something lovely for yourself to do on the day instead. Don’t invite her to anything in your future. If your remaining friends are real friends to you, they will understand your hurt at being left out of the wedding. If they kick off, they’re not real friends.

If you don't ask her she can pretend your invitation was lost after the event.
I'd message now just confirming that you are not invited. Perfectly reasonable and that's on her then.
No spinning a message down the line x

How awkward for everyone. From the way you describe her and the conversation with the mutual friend, it sounds as though you have been excluded and that the mutual friends know this. Basically, you are the last one to know which is not cool. It's no way to treat anyone, never mind someone who is a friend of many years.

I'm not sure how I could continue in this group tbh, they sound like crap friends. I mean, who carries on like this? What is a friendship if not loyalty and generosity?

If it was me I'd be doing something different without any of them for my 30th. Something special with a real friend. But I'm not into flaky friendships my friends mean the world to me. These people aren't your friends.
Go on a retreat or spa weekend? If you don't have anyone to go with or do anything with make new friends. There's loads of ways to do this.

I have just reread the OP's posts and in the first one you say you are the only single person. Also, in another post that a recent boyfriend of one of your friends has been invited. I suspect that the fact you are single has played a big part in you being cut out. Some people are weird about events being like Noah's Ark.

As for your own birthday party - no way would I invite her and I would be very selective about the rest according to what transpires!

I have a similar friendship group since the age of 17 (now going back 30 years) and some members of the group have known one another since early childhood. We all went to one another's wedding(s)- some members of the group have had more than one.

I would definitely just pick up the phone to the bride and other members of the group and find out what is going on. If it's all intentional though I'm afraid I don't think much of them just to exclude you in this way.

Not inviting one person from a close friendship group to your wedding is bullying. And the others not rallying to ask why also suggests you are being squeezed out.
Are there reasons you might not want to admit? Do you get loud and drink way too much and tell raucous jokes or flirt inappropriately?
Is she the kind of bridezilla who is so superficial that you might not look 'right' on her photos - wrong size/colour/in danger of upstaging her?

Hurtful as these things are (and they are - I've been through them) I can safely say it is WAY better to move on, out of a group that dances around a volatile person who doesn't rate you. Broaden your circle of friends through interest groups and hobbies, gradually reduce time spent with them all. Let it slow fade.

I bet she's arranged it in couples (hence Jo's new boyfriend coming) and as the single you've been left out. Uneven numbers and all that - it's crappy, but it happens. People get weird planning weddings.

Lots of people don't do "evening only" invitations so I wouldn't get hung up on that bit.

Only you can decide how much the invitation matters and how much you care about the fallout in the wider group. You can shake it off as a budgetary thing or can see it as not being considered important and step away. Which outcome would make you happier?

Also if you're not yet thirty and you met her when she was 17 AND she moved away for 'a few years' perhaps it's less than ten years of her considering you in her friendship circle and really, you're not as close as you think you are.

Innocent explanation is the invite has been lost in the post or something like that- in which case, surely she should chase you up soon.

I wouldn't even bother to ask her. If she doesn't ask you to confirm, it's obvious you are not invited and I'd take a big step back from her.

You're not 17 anymore, so stop acting like it. Just ask her.

I wouldn't say I was the closest to her, as she moved away for a few years, but she's a nice enough woman

Why are you so bothered by it then? Just don't invite her to your events in future.

I'd message and say that, "x mentioned that you're getting married soon, just wanted to congratulate you. Have a lovely day." See what she says. This has happened to me too, but my friend did ask if I was coming, she just said no! I wallowed for a couple of days then unfriended/blocked her on everything, when I realised she had invited people she didn't know that well (and not a friend she's had for 35 years).

I'd definitely ask. A friend of mine didn't invite my DH to her wedding even though everyone else in our groups' partners were explicitly named on their invites (including one who had only been in the picture a few months). I admit I felt miffed but I just went on my own. It turned out it had been a mistake, and my friend was absolutely mortified when I turned up without my DH and she'd forgotten to add him to the invite, couldn't apologise enough, and then I felt bad for not checking.

The fact you haven't heard about the wedding or then hen indicates you aren't invited. Really shit of bride to put friend group in that position.she has ruined the dynamic of the group not you.

Take it as a clear message that you actually aren't her friend. Don't invite her to your events either. See her when someone else arranges things and be polite, certainly congratulate her and interact with her in the same way so as not to put others in awkward position.

I’d assume you’re not invited if the hen has happened and no invite to either.

I’d be tempted to mention your 30th and your invite to the wedding in the same message.

As a PP said I’ve had similar when I was single, you can get not invited to eg weddings.

Sometimes people only invite couples and others don’t invite people with kids - there is no accounting for the weirdness of others.

I had a similar where me and OH were not invited to a friends wedding - possibly as I only saw this friend on average once a year in recent times - or possibly an oversight - then me and OH got an invite a week before the wedding but it didn’t include my DC - so no way I was going to a wedding if my DC was not invited.

I still feel a bit weird when the topic of this wedding comes up with the friend group - but I’ve remained friends and still see the friend (probably more often than many of the other friends in the group now) but the marriage ended after a couple of years.

One of my nieces is getting married next year and I know some people have had save the date cards… but not us… whateva lol.

Is there a group WhatsApp ?
Id be tempted to say,
"hi all, just to say, that as I never got an invite & presumably you all knew. can anyone tell me if I have committed a crime ?
& yes, I am feeling hurt

which is the bit I am missing which says as fact (rather than jumping to conclusion) that ALL the other women in the group are invited?

If this was me, planning my wedding, I would invite individuals (with or without their partners) unless that turned out to be, say, 5 oue of 6 people who have often hung out together. In that case I would probably stretch to all of them, or make the whole list different and pick one or two. Maybe it's 3 / 6 women, or 2/6? and if that is the case - does everyone who thinks 5/6 is mean, what about 3/6? Maybe there were 10 on the hen night, 2 from this group, 8 other friends and family - why should your lot be the only people this woman knows?

Although I do say above I'd rather not do 5/6 from a group, I am puzzled by this apparent dogmatic quasi moral attachment to this idea that groups are set and you can't mix and match indviduals based on feelings, rapport and practicality. Not all exclusion is Exclusion. This all seems a bit like the worst sort of nursery school to me

Of course you don’t invite her to your party. And if she kicks up a fuss and is “bridezilla” about it, ie: weddings are different/budget yada yada….you just calmly explain that you understand that, but that it would have been polite and kind to explain that at the time to the one person in the group who was excluded. Finding out in the way you did was mean-spirited and not a quality you desire in a friend.

People can be right dicks. At least now you know.