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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to a wedding - advice please!

295 replies

Derby2022 · 05/12/2022 00:38

Hi guys, long time reader, first time poster !

I cant sleep and something is playing on my mind
I dont know maybe want to rant? look for some advice?

I've known this woman since my teens, we are both now nearly 30 and I always hate to say it like this but I would consider her in our 'friendship circle' - all major milestones (weddings, babies, 18ths, 21sts, engagments etc) with in our group have been shared with this woman, theres 6 of us 'school friends' in this group, and she came into our lives when she moved into our sixth form when she was 17.... you know the usual routine with this - birthdays, marriages etc its always us on the same table with our DH's (not me I'm single!) etc - I wouldn't say I was the closest to her, as she moved away for a few years, but she's a nice enough woman and we get on great (and her husband to be is a lovely man)

Anyway I've always invited this person to EVERYTHING i've ever done (as is the standard in our group) however, she is getting married next year, and I recently met up with one of the girls for lunch and she mentioned about the dress she was wearing, and how excited she was for the big day, and it dawned on me that the invites to everything had obviously already been dished out...and mines obviously been lost in the post. I mentioned to "Sarah" (friend) that I'd not heard anything about it yet, and do you think "Chelsea" has forgot? To which "Sarah" told me that "oh she mentioned that she's all finished organising now, everything's done, hen sorted, all sorts"

I was slightly shocked and asked Sarah if I was even invited to which she said "Well I mean if your invite hasn't come yet, I'd say no probably not" and changed subject.

I really don't know what to do or think - we've never had a fall out or cross word, and I consider her a friend - but now I really don't know what to think anymore

2 weeks ago we was laughing and joking about my bad date, and then I found that out a few days later!

Because of the dynamic of the group, I don't want to prod or ask any questions as she can be a bit 'stroppy' when she wants to be (Ive heard reports she's been the ultimate bridezilla) and I don't want to ruin our friendship group - but it just feels like 15 years of friendship literally means nothing anymore?

I mean I totally get with weddings its about numbers and people and budgets etc, and I would totally respect if she only invited me to the evening reception but if you imagine a table of our friendship I am literally the only one who won't be on the table, despite that fact that its always been 'our group' and we've done all these things together before - As I said no fall outs or anything, and as far as I am aware she isn't cross with me for anything at all? I have also found out shes invited our friend "Jo"'s boyfriend despite the fact they've only been together for 8 months.

It's really made me question things now because I'm planning a big 30th birthday, and part of me wants to not invite her, purely because I obviously don't mean anything to her if she can't even invite me to her wedding (Reception at least) and also because why should I cater for, and accommodate her and her 2 children and DH(to be) if I'm not even worth an evening invite....

Problem is though that I don't want to risk upsetting our friendship dynamic, and because of her volatile temper, she is the type that would be in the group chat kicking off, or demanding I explain myself to her which would then cause tension between everyone.

AIBU to be upset by this?

Any advice on what to do for my 30th party, and things going forward?

So sorry for the long post but I have insomonia and writing these things helps me calm down

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 05/12/2022 03:10

I'd go with the assumption that the invite got lost in the post, frankly, before going nuclear.

Billybear1 · 05/12/2022 03:35

Coyoacan · 05/12/2022 03:10

I'd go with the assumption that the invite got lost in the post, frankly, before going nuclear.

Just Why would you go to a wedding you are not invited to??

getoutof · 05/12/2022 03:51

I'd send a message like.

Hi xxx, Trying to get organised before Christmas so just wondering if you have a gift list at all? Not long now!

Hopefully she will be cringing receiving that

Briar250 · 05/12/2022 03:56

This person is not your friend, and I wouldn’t invite them to your birthday or any event unless you actually want to invite them.

things pass, and you will be okay and I’m time you will discover who your real friends are but
more importantly who you want to be friends with, and then the rest goes From there

good luck

Andylion · 05/12/2022 04:24

I was slightly shocked and asked Sarah if I was even invited to which she said "Well I mean if your invite hasn't come yet, I'd say no probably not" and changed subject

It doesn’t sound as though Sarah is surprised to hear that you’re not invited, OP. I wonder if there has been some discussion about it among your other friends? If that is the case, I would hope that at least of them had thought to tell you.

musingsinmidlife · 05/12/2022 04:26

Now Sarah knows so the group will know. If you are close friends with Sarah I might have asked her to subtly find out for you - lost in post or just a nope. Sarah already knows the two possibilities.

MardyHa · 05/12/2022 04:27

It’s a shame Sarah knows you know, as you could send out an invite to an event that weekend to the group just to see their responses.

SunshineAndFizz · 05/12/2022 04:41

I'd ask the other girls first - whoever you're closed with to give it to you straight - why are you invited (to get a sense check what's going on). They clearly will all know why given they're invited/going to the hen etc and someone will have asked if you're going. And then you can decide how to communicate with the bride from there.

And of course you don't invite her to your party.

Tripsabroad · 05/12/2022 04:41

Assuming you are close to someone else in the group I'd probably ask them to subtly find out from the bride if I was invited. But I wouldn't have a problem asking the bride directly.

I can see why you're upset. On the other hand, I was originally part of a friendship group of six too and excluded one from my own wedding (she hadn't got in touch with me in years - only saw her at big events run by one of the other six. Wasn't invited to her wedding either but it was abroad and fairly small). If she was upset I haven't heard about it - I don't count her as a friend anymore. Haven't fallen out, but just drifted apart. Haven't seen her more than three times in the past six years.

Imogensmumma · 05/12/2022 04:43

Milesty1 · 05/12/2022 01:45

I’d send a private message saying ‘Hey, just wanted to check, I’m assuming I’m not invited to the wedding? No worries at all if not but I didn’t want you to think I was ignoring the invitation if it got lost in the post’ hopefully she will come back with a reason and at least you’ll have it confirmed! Such strange behaviour on her part, honestly don’t worry about it. Don’t feel guilty about not inviting her to your birthday. She has set the tone now.

I like this , it’s not asking why not invited but putting the ball in her court and if she doesn’t answer then you know not your fault for disrupting the ‘group’

TidyDancer · 05/12/2022 04:58

I think I'd have to say something. You've had some good examples of messages to send on this thread.

If you confirm you're not invited, I would draw a line under the friendship and only be polite if you're in a social situation with her from now onwards. Definitely don't invite her to your birthday and make no further effort with her. She's showing you who she is and what you mean to her, listen to her.

My2pence2day · 05/12/2022 04:58

Don't try and get an invite or ask for an invite. It will come across as trying to make the bride feel bad and makes OP look like the bad one. It's obvious that the invite wasn't lost in the mail (dont people follow up on RSVP?). Yes it's mean, so don't invite her to your birthday, she's not a close friend, make some cool plans for you on the wedding day and forget about her. YANU to feel upset though Flowers

Cherryana · 05/12/2022 04:58

I know that you don’t want to disrupt the group dynamic but, this has already been taking out of your hands, this disruption has already happened.

Firstly, it’s very hurtful. You have thought you are all ‘friends together’, with a reciprocal relationship with each friend.

To find out through a wedding invitation that you are excluded is horrible. You could do the ‘I think my invitation has been lost’ but as everyone knows what’s going on here, I think that when people feel ‘shame’ (as your friend might, as her clearly hurtful choice is highlighted) they tend to double down on indignation and projection not apologise or look to restore the situation.

You have to reassess how much of yourself you give to these women in light of this situation.

Cherryana · 05/12/2022 05:00

@My2pence2day snap with advice and timing!!

pollyglot · 05/12/2022 05:00

If I were you, I'd book a fabulous weekend in Rome or Paris for my birthday. Don't spend lots of money on a big do with these so-called friends. They obviously haven't stood up for you. Treat yourself, and come back looking relaxed and glamorous.

daretodenim · 05/12/2022 05:01

Why was Sarah talking to you about how excited she was about the wedding when she clearly knew you weren't invited? She has to have known as her response wasn't remotely surprised.

And also how did you find out about Jo's boyfriend? Did you ask Sarah if everybody else was going?

I'd get in touch with the bride directly now and find out what's going on. And if you really aren't invited, then there's definitely no reason to have her at you party. I like the pp message about "reevaluating your friendship" (something like that) if she kicks off. If anybody else in the group brings it up with you, don't get into a discussion about it. Make it a non-issue.

daretodenim · 05/12/2022 05:02

pollyglot · 05/12/2022 05:00

If I were you, I'd book a fabulous weekend in Rome or Paris for my birthday. Don't spend lots of money on a big do with these so-called friends. They obviously haven't stood up for you. Treat yourself, and come back looking relaxed and glamorous.

Yes this. Was just thinking about this after I posted.

My2pence2day · 05/12/2022 05:02

Cherryana · 05/12/2022 05:00

@My2pence2day snap with advice and timing!!

Ha ha, was just about to quote you! What she said too, keep it classy Smile

poefaced · 05/12/2022 05:08

Text her to ask if you’re definitely not invited.
Don’t invite her to your party.
Don’t invite her to anything ever again.
Don’t send a wedding card/presemt.

girlmom21 · 05/12/2022 05:27

You've made it fairly clear in the OP you're just acquaintances. A wedding is a huge deal and you don't invite people just because they're in your 'circle'.

Shoxfordian · 05/12/2022 05:33

Rethink how important these friends are to you and don’t bother messaging or asking if you’re invited when you’re clearly not.

Museya15 · 05/12/2022 05:35

Theres no way if I were you that she would be getting invited to my 30th and I'd take delight in that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/12/2022 05:37

Milesty1 · 05/12/2022 01:45

I’d send a private message saying ‘Hey, just wanted to check, I’m assuming I’m not invited to the wedding? No worries at all if not but I didn’t want you to think I was ignoring the invitation if it got lost in the post’ hopefully she will come back with a reason and at least you’ll have it confirmed! Such strange behaviour on her part, honestly don’t worry about it. Don’t feel guilty about not inviting her to your birthday. She has set the tone now.

I would do this. Then you know where you stand with her and potentially with the group. If you’re having a big birthday bash, please steel yourself for the fact the other friends may not show up to it.

Twiglets1 · 05/12/2022 05:38

That is so rude of your so- called friend. I’m in a friendship group of 5 and while I’m friendlier with some than others, I would never dream of excluding one person.
It’s just really bad manners. No wonder it has been preying on your mind. Surely they will all be discussing the wedding next time you all meet up which will be so awkward. I think I would have to have a word with the one you are closest to and say I don’t understand why I have been excluded and let her know I feel upset. As anyone would be, surely.

stayathomer · 05/12/2022 05:38

I’d be another that assumed she lost the invite/forgot to send etc. making up a list of people coming is so difficult!! As for the birthday thing it’s up to you