Not invited to a wedding - advice please!

[Derby2022]

Hi guys, long time reader, first time poster !

I cant sleep and something is playing on my mind
I dont know maybe want to rant? look for some advice?

I've known this woman since my teens, we are both now nearly 30 and I always hate to say it like this but I would consider her in our 'friendship circle' - all major milestones (weddings, babies, 18ths, 21sts, engagments etc) with in our group have been shared with this woman, theres 6 of us 'school friends' in this group, and she came into our lives when she moved into our sixth form when she was 17.... you know the usual routine with this - birthdays, marriages etc its always us on the same table with our DH's (not me I'm single!) etc - I wouldn't say I was the closest to her, as she moved away for a few years, but she's a nice enough woman and we get on great (and her husband to be is a lovely man)

Anyway I've always invited this person to EVERYTHING i've ever done (as is the standard in our group) however, she is getting married next year, and I recently met up with one of the girls for lunch and she mentioned about the dress she was wearing, and how excited she was for the big day, and it dawned on me that the invites to everything had obviously already been dished out...and mines obviously been lost in the post. I mentioned to "Sarah" (friend) that I'd not heard anything about it yet, and do you think "Chelsea" has forgot? To which "Sarah" told me that "oh she mentioned that she's all finished organising now, everything's done, hen sorted, all sorts"

I was slightly shocked and asked Sarah if I was even invited to which she said "Well I mean if your invite hasn't come yet, I'd say no probably not" and changed subject.

I really don't know what to do or think - we've never had a fall out or cross word, and I consider her a friend - but now I really don't know what to think anymore

2 weeks ago we was laughing and joking about my bad date, and then I found that out a few days later!

Because of the dynamic of the group, I don't want to prod or ask any questions as she can be a bit 'stroppy' when she wants to be (Ive heard reports she's been the ultimate bridezilla) and I don't want to ruin our friendship group - but it just feels like 15 years of friendship literally means nothing anymore?

I mean I totally get with weddings its about numbers and people and budgets etc, and I would totally respect if she only invited me to the evening reception but if you imagine a table of our friendship I am literally the only one who won't be on the table, despite that fact that its always been 'our group' and we've done all these things together before - As I said no fall outs or anything, and as far as I am aware she isn't cross with me for anything at all? I have also found out shes invited our friend "Jo"'s boyfriend despite the fact they've only been together for 8 months.

It's really made me question things now because I'm planning a big 30th birthday, and part of me wants to not invite her, purely because I obviously don't mean anything to her if she can't even invite me to her wedding (Reception at least) and also because why should I cater for, and accommodate her and her 2 children and DH(to be) if I'm not even worth an evening invite....

Problem is though that I don't want to risk upsetting our friendship dynamic, and because of her volatile temper, she is the type that would be in the group chat kicking off, or demanding I explain myself to her which would then cause tension between everyone.

AIBU to be upset by this?

Any advice on what to do for my 30th party, and things going forward?

So sorry for the long post but I have insomonia and writing these things helps me calm down

I would ask. Then the truth is out there. She has changed the dynamic, not you.

If she hasn't invited you, absolutely do not invite her to anything. She has made her feelings clear

Talking from personal experience your friendship group dynamic will change now. But that's down to her, not you. We were a group of 5 from school, did everything together. 2 of us were bridesmaids, 2 of us weren't invited! Very bizarre. It changed things after that, 4 of us are still close and the bride isn't part of the 'group' anymore. I'm sorry she's done this to you, weddings really bring out true colours xx

I got this too, from your post

Ask her why she's not invited you

If she really hasn't, then you know where you stand

Knowledge is power

BTW Sarah doesn't sound very nice imo

if you aren't invited it's probably more to do with the fact that you're single than anything else. for some (shallow) people their friendships are all "couples" and single friends only exist to be matched up with other single friends to make new couples. she would have invited you to the wedding if there was a single bloke coming that you might have been interested in but without someone to match you to there would be "no point"

There's been a lot of replies saying that there's "no point" clarifying that you definitely aren't invited but the point is that the fact of these communications having happened is important groundwork prior to when you sort out the invite list for your birthday. and it would be better for you to conceive that as a small-group celebration with your genuine friends rather than including people who actually don't consider you a real friend. If you don't communicate with anyone and just don't invite them then it's very different.

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone with a volatile temper anyway. She sounds awful op.

All of this

Spend time with better friends.

I doubt very much he'd invite has been lost in the post. Her "friend" hasn't spoken to her about the wedding or the hen party!

Have your own party. Don’t invite her.
Don’t send a wedding gift or card either.
You’re clearly not close. Start making new friends.

Did you even know she was engaged? If not you can't have been that close!

Ask the bride-to-be if you’re invited to the wedding or not. If you’re close enough to expect to be invited to the wedding, you’re close enough to ask if you have been invited. You’d feel pretty silly if you’ve been worrying because the postal service managed to lose your invitation.

I agree with this. I'd have no problem asking if I were your friend (I'm surprised they haven't already tbh!)

I think this reply is a good one!

They all sound awful if I'm honest and I'd seriously consider getting new friends 'Sarah' sounds like a particular treasure.

It seems like you have nothing to lose.

I'd be tempted to err on the side of caution though - maybe send her a message saying 'was talking to Sarah and we were talking about your wedding. I realise it's always tricky with numbers etc so just wanted to wish you well'

Then if you're invite has got lost in the post, she can recover, and if it hasn't, you look like the grown up.

Then get new friends.

People in their 20s often go a bit weird as soon as they get partners etc. you are more within your rights to move away.

It's a shame, but it's not you, it's them. Get some friends you actually enjoy.

Are all of the others definitely invited? If she's moved away, maybe most of her close friends are where she lives and she's only invited a couple of your group? Leaving out one is poor form as I said above but inviting a couple and leaving the rest out perhaps more understandable.

I haven’t read every post but, my daughter is getting married, 60 people max, 48 of which are immediate family, that leaves 12, which actually with plus ones is 6, so she and her stbh can invite three friends each.

my daughter is very upset, but she (and other family who are pitching in) simply can’t stretch it further.

I booked the village hall for my parents 60th anniversary, it cost me £100, if I want it for my daughters wedding reception it’s £995.

weddings are a rip of in my opinion. I’ve spent hours and hours trying to work something out to give my daughter what she deserves but as soon as you say it’s a wedding the price rockets.

I’d hold my horses. It could be that she’s having a small wedding and Sarah is the only one of the friendship group invited. If you’re the only one then you reasses the friendship, but don’t do any of the passive aggressive posts. They’re just cringe and would make you look a bit pathetic.

I wouldn’t dream of asking her directly. Sarah knows there’s either been a mix up with invites or you’ve been excluded. Sarah could sort this immediately if there had been an innocent mistake. I would hold your head high, send a nice card with £25 John Lewis vouchers in and get on with it. Definitely do not invite her to your 30th. She started this, if it upsets the group, then it’s all on her. You sent a card and present, she can go f herself.

And if you don’t want to loose all your friends be the bigger person and suck it up and invite her to your 30th, she may have grace and decline in which case it’s sorted. It’s hard to make friends, very easy to lose them.

because how you react may well make your other friends think twice about being friends with you. Hard 💐

Your poor daughter. I bet she barely knows half of that ‘immediate’ family and now has to spend her wedding day with a load of strangers. Can she not get a bigger venue?

I don't think the invite was lost in the post. If I was sending out a load of invites and didn't hear from someone I'd follow it up. Plus I think if that was the case some of the other group members would have mentioned it to OP.

Definitely don't invite her to your birthday. I expect she has a really petty reason for excluding you. Jealousy over something perhaps?

Is there someone in the group you are close to that you could ask about it all?

I would miffed that of the remaining 4 girls only Sarah gave you the heads up - the others must have known you weren't invited.

How would they know? Sarah only knew because OP told her. If they did know it's not perhaps they just don't want to shit stir.

Stuff like this only serves to make an already upset OP feel worse.

OP- it doesn't actually sound like you like this person. If that's the case I really they you should ask yourself why you are so bothered. Stop seeing social occasions as obligations and score keeping and just enjoy time with genuine friends.

Tricky one OP.

I wouldn't talk to the bride.
I think if you haven’t even heard about the hen, it safe to assume you don’t have an invite - maybe an invite could get lost in the post but hen party is just a whatsapp group.

I think this kind if thing can change the dynamics of a friendship group, so I would seek to strengthen friendships with the people you’re close to in the group.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to expect an invite (even an evening invite), but I think you just accept this, don’t talk bad about the bride and just smile and shrug when it’s mentioned (it’s ok to say to others that you felt quite hurt and surprised, but accept her choice). I wouldn’t ever bring it up with the bride. IMO it makes the bride to be look bad to exclude one person.

Don’t accommodate her in future plans like your 30th. Just don’t.

Seeing the hens etc are sorted, you would have to assume there are separate group chats about this wedding that you have been excluded from, with everyone knowing that you have not been invited.

I’d be asking why none of your other friends have checked in with you if you’re ok, and reassessing your friendship with the group as a whole.

I wouldn’t invite her. If she kicks off just say, ‘Well I assumed as you didn’t invite me to your wedding we weren’t involving each other in important life events.’