Not invited to a wedding - advice please!

[Derby2022]

Hi guys, long time reader, first time poster !

I cant sleep and something is playing on my mind
I dont know maybe want to rant? look for some advice?

I've known this woman since my teens, we are both now nearly 30 and I always hate to say it like this but I would consider her in our 'friendship circle' - all major milestones (weddings, babies, 18ths, 21sts, engagments etc) with in our group have been shared with this woman, theres 6 of us 'school friends' in this group, and she came into our lives when she moved into our sixth form when she was 17.... you know the usual routine with this - birthdays, marriages etc its always us on the same table with our DH's (not me I'm single!) etc - I wouldn't say I was the closest to her, as she moved away for a few years, but she's a nice enough woman and we get on great (and her husband to be is a lovely man)

Anyway I've always invited this person to EVERYTHING i've ever done (as is the standard in our group) however, she is getting married next year, and I recently met up with one of the girls for lunch and she mentioned about the dress she was wearing, and how excited she was for the big day, and it dawned on me that the invites to everything had obviously already been dished out...and mines obviously been lost in the post. I mentioned to "Sarah" (friend) that I'd not heard anything about it yet, and do you think "Chelsea" has forgot? To which "Sarah" told me that "oh she mentioned that she's all finished organising now, everything's done, hen sorted, all sorts"

I was slightly shocked and asked Sarah if I was even invited to which she said "Well I mean if your invite hasn't come yet, I'd say no probably not" and changed subject.

I really don't know what to do or think - we've never had a fall out or cross word, and I consider her a friend - but now I really don't know what to think anymore

2 weeks ago we was laughing and joking about my bad date, and then I found that out a few days later!

Because of the dynamic of the group, I don't want to prod or ask any questions as she can be a bit 'stroppy' when she wants to be (Ive heard reports she's been the ultimate bridezilla) and I don't want to ruin our friendship group - but it just feels like 15 years of friendship literally means nothing anymore?

I mean I totally get with weddings its about numbers and people and budgets etc, and I would totally respect if she only invited me to the evening reception but if you imagine a table of our friendship I am literally the only one who won't be on the table, despite that fact that its always been 'our group' and we've done all these things together before - As I said no fall outs or anything, and as far as I am aware she isn't cross with me for anything at all? I have also found out shes invited our friend "Jo"'s boyfriend despite the fact they've only been together for 8 months.

It's really made me question things now because I'm planning a big 30th birthday, and part of me wants to not invite her, purely because I obviously don't mean anything to her if she can't even invite me to her wedding (Reception at least) and also because why should I cater for, and accommodate her and her 2 children and DH(to be) if I'm not even worth an evening invite....

Problem is though that I don't want to risk upsetting our friendship dynamic, and because of her volatile temper, she is the type that would be in the group chat kicking off, or demanding I explain myself to her which would then cause tension between everyone.

AIBU to be upset by this?

Any advice on what to do for my 30th party, and things going forward?

So sorry for the long post but I have insomonia and writing these things helps me calm down

"Chelsea" is absolutely not a friend to you but neither are any of the others. If they were they would speak to "Chelsea" and ask why you weren't invited (if you truly haven't been, of course) and not go themselves to the wedding. That's what I'd do anyway.

Cut your losses OP and find some decent friends who don't exclude you.

As for inviting "Chelsea" to your birthday party, I think you'd have more fun without her there.

You should lightly ask if you are invited. Her response will determine your way forward.

Yep been there myself.
I was friends with a girl a few years back- met through work and considered her a close one. I was a bit of a push over back then and for some reason had the trait of keeping others sweet by happily doing favours- so much so that it became a serious issue to my mental health as I couldn’t seem to say no, started feeling used by some people and became overwhelmed with doing things for others to the point that it started to affect my own family.
Anyway, I began to say no and focused on my own sanity and this meant saying no to her a bit. No more favours at the last minute or bending over backwards to every whim.

Anyway, the date for her wedding was booked. I was then contacted by her best friend who was MOH to help find accommodation, which I did happily. Paid up. £250 down, including a chunk to cover BTB costs as we all chipped in for her. Thought nothing of it.

Time was drawing closer but had no invite to officially let me know if the details. Colleagues around me all received theirs and I was left wondering what was going on, was I actually not invited? Leading up to this, BTB was serious hot and cold with me when it suited. I was aware she could be like this with others but never been on the receiving end. There was a tension going on which I couldn’t place but I knew her ways and knew it wasn’t right.

It seriously messed my head up. I was so tearful and a right state wondering where I stood but didn’t feel brave enough to ask.
It all came to a head on the day of departure for the hen. I had no idea where I stood, and chose not to go, and made up an excuse. She asked around at work and found another girl to take my spot- I was promised a bit of money back but never did see a penny.

In the end, I confided in a colleague who said she would put her in the spot and challenge her as it was probably the best way to find out.

So cobnveinientlt, BTB at that moment discovered my invite was in her desk drawer and had been ‘mislaid’ all along. I know full well it was all a mind fuck to make me squirm, most likely because I started saying no. This was also assumed by the coworker who challenged her who was well in tune to her schoolyard ways.

Looking back, I’m now a lot more confident I can read the situation clear as day. BTB was always clearly the type who gets her own way but I was blind to it at the time. I know now that I was on the hen to make up numbers- out of those who attended, only 1 friend has stayed in contact as she has shown her true colours to everyone else, and really doesn’t seem to have many close friends left.

I did go in the end and had a good time with friends from my work. I no longer see this girl anymore though.

This is why weddings are so stressful to plan. OP doesn't even sound like a close friend (in fact the way she speaks about the bride doesn't even suggest she likes her much) yet the majority of the responses are to have a tantrum and ask where the invite is - spoiler alert, it didn't get lost in the post!!

I agree with this. Go do something nice for yourself like this and don’t invite any of them.

If the invite was just ‘lost in the post’ then surely she would’ve wondered by now why you hadn’t RSVP’d and chased you up? So I don’t buy that lost invitation crap.

Sarah doesn’t sound particularly nice either. Her response to you was quite rude in my opinion.

Not at all. It’s an accurate description!

That’s true, but there are similar situations others are recounting here so it has become kind of a commiseration of those who have had to deal with cunt BTB’s and friend groups.

Agree, and not expecting op to come back bit she's not even confirmed she likes or she's friendly on a1:1 with the bride, and it seems she's not even close enough to know bride was engaged given her surprise at the wedding!

Yanbu she's a spiteful birch who has caused you a real problem ,not just with the wedding but within your circle of friends going forward.
If I'd been one of the other's I would have asked her about you.There's a good chance someone has.
I would walk away.This is deliberate,the invite is not missing as pp have suggested.
This is about them,not you.
Walk away with your head held high.The fact that they've planned the hen night without you speaks for itself.
Sorry op,you'll find better friends in the future,possibly by taking up something you've been meaning to do for ages?do it now!you'll love it.
Block the others,leave one last goodbye group message,calm,polite,final then move forward.

Definitely worth figuring out surreptitiously if there has been an admin error. I say this because it happened to me once. We only received the evening invitation, but the bride and groom intended us to be there for the whole day. It was very awkward when we appeared hours after we were meant to be there, everybody else wondered why our place settings were empty and what might have happened to us! We still had fun and I don’t think anyone was offended in the end but it was quite a difficult realization and still makes me wince 15 years later!

Update OP?!

So they all have a separate group chat then. I'd dump them all and have done that in the past. Women can be the worst.

Something similar happened to me. I was in a group for 6 from school and we were all very close. I moved away after university (as did another one of the group) but the other 4 stayed in our home town. I was really hurt when I was the only one not invited to her wedding, and more hurt that she didn't take the time to tell me herself. I was told by other friends that it was a very small wedding and they wanted to keep numbers very low. I would have understood this if she had talked to me about it. Sadly it showed me that I wasn't really a valued friend to her. I will always be pleasant and kind when I see her in a group but I haven't invited her to any events of mine since- and I don't think I would invite her to my own wedding.

Many years ago one of our work group was getting married. As far as I was aware, we were all being invited. It turned out we were all invited except one woman who was 'hard work' in the office, and doubly so socially.

When I realised this, I spoke to the BTB and asked that she uninvite me as I thought it would be less obvious to the other colleague if neither of us was invited.

The BTB was mortified, and said 'No, no, I want you there!' I repeated that I could not allow one person in the group to be excluded in such an obvious way. The BTB relented and invited the colleague. As a group we ensured the BTB did not have to engage with the colleague on the hen night (we didn't do hen weeks in those days!) or at the wedding itself.

I'm sharing this experience because I believe the onus is on the wider group to clarify and make a stand if necessary i.e. if their friendship with OP has any value to them.

Not sure if it's been mentioned and I missed it, but do you actually know that all the others are invited?

Just get over it lol. No point making yourself ill. If she’s not invited you then just see it as her loss!

How people have managed to decide what the bride to be thinks of OP without knowing when the invitations went out baffles me.

Round our way, and as far as I know across the whole of the UK, there have been postal strikes. After the last bout of strikes I received something in the post which had been sent first class literally 6 weeks earlier.

So OP, come back and tell us when your friends say the invitations went out. Then I might be able to start to answer your AIBU.

Not an easy one and maybe the query from from you has been relayed back to her so hope for you that invite comes. If not, I would probably message and just say congratulations etc and sorry you won't be there as you didn't get an invite, that's fine and best of luck. Polite, non offended and leaves ball in her court to either say of course u are or she leaves it at that and at least u know where you stand with her. Really not nice at all, showing her true colours or some misunderstanding. Xx

You don't describe your relationship with her with any warmth. It would be upsetting if this was a close friend, but it doesn't seem like either of you see each other this way.

your nice she’s not. Say something but in a clever way like hope all goes well for the big day and don’t invite her to your birthday. Similar thing happened on our friendship group eventually people moved away from this person as your get older it’s hard to accept people like this