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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect the teacher to apologise to my dd?

260 replies

buckeejit · 04/12/2022 10:06

Dd is 9 & was delighted to come home last week & tell us she was Mary in the school play. She was getting to slap someone in the play. How exciting.

She's been diagnosed with a chronic illness this year and not remotely sporty so not used to winning things normally.

She then came home a few days later quite down & spent some time in her room. She's quite sensitive & wouldn't say what was wrong. Later she came down & said now she wasn't Mary she was an angel instead.

Apparently, someone in the other class said they had a Mary costume so the other teacher said that girl could be Mary. DD's teacher asked dd if that was ok & said she didn't have to be an angel, but dd said 'ok, that's fine' as she thinks she has to be kind & isn't one to make a fuss.

I complained to DD's teacher, (she's a NQT covering for this year & I imagine finding this year quite full on). I said dd should never have been put in that position to decide & it wasn't fair. Queried if I had missed part of the story. She replied that she agreed with everything I'd said & the other teacher overruled her & pushed on with giving Mary to the other girl in his class. I asked her to pass my comments on to him & she said she would as she was also annoyed about it. DD's teacher was supposed to in charge of the drama & other teacher was in charge of singing. Other teacher is really nice & much loved by the pupils. I'm surprised at this.

I understand people make mistakes & see this as a bad decision. I think other teacher owes my dd an apology. I'm hoping he realises this himself & speaks to her this week. If not, am I unreasonable to speak to him & request that he does so? I think it's very important to show dc that we are accountable for our mistakes & that adults should apologise when thy make an error? What would you do?

OP posts:
Tiredallofthetime · 04/12/2022 10:07

Ah, your poor DD, but honestly no, I think this is one of those cases where the bigger deal you make out of it the bigger deal it becomes.

CaronPoivre · 04/12/2022 10:08

Most children would prefer the bigger angel role. Usually much more coveted. It’s a speaking role. Sell it to her and do a fabulous costume.

quinceh · 04/12/2022 10:09

That’s a shame for your DD and yes I’d be tempted to speak to the teacher.
Focusing on the wrong bit, I’m intrigued that Mary gets to slap someone!

Disabrie22 · 04/12/2022 10:12

That’s not nice for your daughter is it? School boy error on the others teachers side and he does need to be brought up on it. I would grab the pastoral person in school, mention it as a point of learning for that teacher as it’s left your child who is disadvantaged feeling low.
Sadly you have to accept she is now an angel, and make her the best angel she can be - take her to see angel Christmas lights as a garden centre and teach her that their can be happy mistakes. It’s good to learn to manage disappointment also.

MichelleScarn · 04/12/2022 10:12

Intrigued Mary gets to slap someone! Is that the main thing for dd?
The angel is a bigger part!

Oooooooooooooh · 04/12/2022 10:12

They gave another child the role because they had a costume ? I'd say that you had a costume too and expect them to give the role back to her
Bollocks to that
I'd make it their problem, you can't disappoint kids like that and I'm a just sick it up parent

2reefsin30knots · 04/12/2022 10:12

Is she 'the' angel or 'an' angel?

Disabrie22 · 04/12/2022 10:12

Try the Elsa!

Luckyducker · 04/12/2022 10:13

That should not have happened. Once a child has been told they have a part they should have that part even if they are rubbish at it. I'd work on making the angel part sound great so your DD feels happier about the whole thing.

NEmama · 04/12/2022 10:14

That is awful

Palmtree9 · 04/12/2022 10:16

Whats being an NQT and therefore struggling with this year got to do with it?

But, that was unfair on your DD, and I'm not surprised she is upset. I guess, as others have said, big up the angel part, make her feel incredibly special as an angel, and hopefully she'll be glad to be an angel instead

cansu · 04/12/2022 10:16

Seriously? Fwiw if I was the teacher in this scenario I would tell your dd that I eas sorry she was upset. I would also explain that sometimes it is difficult to organise shows and that I thought being an angel would be a lovely part for her. I would think you were an utter drama llama and would offer you a role in organising and sorting costumes out for a load of nine year old.

MelchiorsMistress · 04/12/2022 10:17

No, the teacher doesn’t owe your dd an apology.

You’re seeing this wrong. Your dd didn’t ‘win’ Mary and if it’s a role with a lot of lines then it will have been chosen based on a lot more than who has an available costume.

O would question why the Virgin Mary is going around slapping people though.

Untitledsquatboulder · 04/12/2022 10:19

Maybe time to sit your dd down and talk to her a bit about being assertive. It is OK for her to want to hang on to things (including opportunities) that are hers and advocate for herself. That's not unkind.

posaty · 04/12/2022 10:20

Gets to slap someone 🥴

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/12/2022 10:20

Your DD should not have been put in that position, being pressured to give up the part she had been given. And no, most girls would not prefer another part - being Mary is a big deal and nobody really remembers the other parts.

I would ask for her to get the role back, if only so they remember not to pull the same shit in future.

VerifiedBot2351 · 04/12/2022 10:22

Maybe her glee at getting to slap someone played a part in recasting…

When does Mary slap someone?

alittlelifex · 04/12/2022 10:23

There would be the most unbelievable uproar at my school if this happened and absolutely zero members of staff would back me if I either made this decision or let someone else make it on my behalf. We do take the plays seriously but still!

Also, how unprofessional for the teacher to also drop another member of staff in it. That’s just so far from how you manage these things.

AngelontopoftheTree · 04/12/2022 10:23

I'm sorry for your DD , that's very disappointing for her. But I'm also intrigued about Mary slapping someone 🥴🤔

alittlelifex · 04/12/2022 10:24

Also, I’ve cast plays before and thought oh shit I thought you’d be good at this role and you’re not… but I don’t take the part away because that could be massively upsetting for the child.

Abraxan · 04/12/2022 10:26

MelchiorsMistress · 04/12/2022 10:17

No, the teacher doesn’t owe your dd an apology.

You’re seeing this wrong. Your dd didn’t ‘win’ Mary and if it’s a role with a lot of lines then it will have been chosen based on a lot more than who has an available costume.

O would question why the Virgin Mary is going around slapping people though.

But the dd had already been given the role of Mary.

The other child had been given a different role. One of the teachers has confirmed that it happened this way.

OP's dd has ever right to be upset - she got a key role in a play and had it removed because another child wanted it, basically.

Op may well have been happy to sort a costume for her child.

WestendVBroadway · 04/12/2022 10:28

I am seething for your DD. (This next bit may be completely outing as I have told this tale many times) This reminds me of when I was in primary school and was given the role of the Angel Gabriel, I was the only Angel with a speaking part. We had to make costumes out of old sheets. One girl got her mum to accessorise her outfit with gold tinsel on the neck and cuffs. I was then informed that this girl would have to be The Angel Gabriel as her costume stood out from the others. I am still bitter about this over 40 years later.😇😇😇

DarkKarmaIlama · 04/12/2022 10:29

Oh that’s awful, I would have been gutted, I still remember to this day at age 9 being offered the Mary role. I was SO excited, and no, dressing up the angel role for me wouldn’t have worked. I would have felt sad and disappointed.

I am not sure if I would make the teacher apologise but that’s a shitty thing they have done and I would be really disappointed in their actions.

GracieLouFreeebush · 04/12/2022 10:31

We would usually split a big role like that when I was at school. A girl from class A would be mary for the first half and class B for the second, why can’t they do that?

billy1966 · 04/12/2022 10:33

Your daughter should not have been put in such a position.

Very poor behaviour from the teacher over ruling a decision that had been made.

I would go in and say WE have a mary constume and the other teacher can go back and disappoint the other child.

Really poor from the teachers involved.