To expect the teacher to apologise to my dd?

[buckeejit]

Dd is 9 & was delighted to come home last week & tell us she was Mary in the school play. She was getting to slap someone in the play. How exciting.

She's been diagnosed with a chronic illness this year and not remotely sporty so not used to winning things normally.

She then came home a few days later quite down & spent some time in her room. She's quite sensitive & wouldn't say what was wrong. Later she came down & said now she wasn't Mary she was an angel instead.

Apparently, someone in the other class said they had a Mary costume so the other teacher said that girl could be Mary. DD's teacher asked dd if that was ok & said she didn't have to be an angel, but dd said 'ok, that's fine' as she thinks she has to be kind & isn't one to make a fuss.

I complained to DD's teacher, (she's a NQT covering for this year & I imagine finding this year quite full on). I said dd should never have been put in that position to decide & it wasn't fair. Queried if I had missed part of the story. She replied that she agreed with everything I'd said & the other teacher overruled her & pushed on with giving Mary to the other girl in his class. I asked her to pass my comments on to him & she said she would as she was also annoyed about it. DD's teacher was supposed to in charge of the drama & other teacher was in charge of singing. Other teacher is really nice & much loved by the pupils. I'm surprised at this.

I understand people make mistakes & see this as a bad decision. I think other teacher owes my dd an apology. I'm hoping he realises this himself & speaks to her this week. If not, am I unreasonable to speak to him & request that he does so? I think it's very important to show dc that we are accountable for our mistakes & that adults should apologise when thy make an error? What would you do?

Yes, so all the teacher/parent has to do when removing the worse role is explain that actually the angel is the better role given to the more confident dc because it's speaking. She hasn't been given the star role and downgraded, but the opposite.

I am really horrified at the attitude of some of the teachers on this thread and the level of "suck it up" "teachers shouldn't apologise" "organising a school play is complex" guff.

Teachers are often post graduate educated or at least have a BEd that focuses in part on childhood, behaviours and managing children. If any teacher thinks it's appropriate to kick a child (metaphorically) when they have a chronic illness already and cause that level of disappointment then they deserve a good hard metaphirical slap from the former Mary's mother.

@buckeejit I'd write to the head and note your disappointment at the way this has been handled, how upset your dd was, having had to deal with chronic illness and that you hope.lessons will be learnt moving forward from this experience.. hopefully if the teachers in question are putting on nativity plays in future they will reflect on what constitutes Christian behaviour and what shoukd and shoukd not be included in a Christmas Story from the bible.

I might also have a conversation with your daughter about the appropriateness of the Virgin Mary, who bore Jesus meekly and mildly, delivering slaps and that any nativity that depicts her as a vulgar, aggressive creature is neither correct, professional nor appropriate. I'd go so far as to drill into your daughter "I'm happier to be an Angel, Mary didn't slap anyone and I felt bad about misrepresenting her character."

I bet the new Mary's mum is either the Chair of the PTA or a governor.

Indeed.
Sounds a strange Nativity

It is a shame for your Dd. I would have been similar to her and not want to make a fuss so I would said it's fine when it was not.

Yup!

As a rule I wasn't going to say no to a teacher.

Presumably it was asked with the expectation of a "yes" response anyway.

Otherwise why ask?

Why couldn't the ask have been to borrow the costume for Op's daughter?

I want to know what a ‘Mary’ costume is. Surely most people can rustle up a blue dress and suitable tea towel to wear over the child’s head. Agree with making your DDs Angel costume the best ever. Thinking a string or two of little battery operated lights woven into the halo

Have you got the name of the play, most schools buy plays which provides scripts, backing music, ideas for casting and costume. It’s not usually the bog standard nativity play

This is terrible. Send an email to the Head Teacher so that they have to answer. I think the top roles should be picked out of a hat. It causes so much angst with kids feeling let down by always having background parts.

Why try & outshine the other angels though?

None of this is their doing!

Is being Mary-ed (Maried?) a thing, like being Wendied? OP, I’d feed back to school that the decision caused a lot of disappointment, that your daughter didn’t feel able to assert herself, and you hope the teachers will reflect on the incident. When the dust settles, work with your daughter on speaking up.

I think it is worth pointing out that:
Asking her if she minded by a teacher is not really giving her a choice. She will have felt she had to agree.
Secondly she did mind, and was really excited.
And I'd be tempted to say that she'd got a Mary costume and had they asked her if she had? if they hadn't then point out that it was unfair to not ask her first if that was the criteria.

I wish people would stop saying that Mary's the worst part. It isn't. In some nativities, it may be a silent part, but even in those it isn't normally the worst part. There's 30 children approximately and some child will end up being random animal with not much to do, or 9th shepherd or holder of the sign saying "A stable" and not moving from the back of the stage.
In some nativities it may well be the best part. I've seen nativities where the best part is: The innkeeper, a camel, the donkey, the star, the angel... and Mary.

It may be that the angel is a bigger part, but I doubt it, because otherwise they've also taken a big angel part away from another child etc. Much more likely they've gone from having 6 silent angels to 7.

I think the way to do it is probably say she is very upset and how are they going to make it up to her. I doubt they'll change back now. That might mean they add some lines in for her, which won't really make up for it, but at least means that they're recognising it.

Just tell her in the performance to make sure she stands directly in front of Mary as much as possible <only joking>

I think teacher should apologise to you but not DD - as people have said, it's making too big a thing of it. Sometimes we just have to deal with disappoinments and move on, and it shouldn't be dragged out for DD.

I think the ops dd shoukd be chosen for at least three things next term.

who Does Mary slap ?!

Awful. Once role allocated it shouldn't be taken away. Other teacher definitely owes ur child an apology. Ridiculous it was taken away on the basis of another child having a costume. School usually provides the big role costumes anyway. Poor dd.

And teachers wonder why they are not better respected.

Better to focus on changing DD's behaviour; this is a good opportunity to teach her that sometimes its right to say no and not give in.

That teacher made a mistake. He shouldn;t have done that. He knows now and I hope he won't ever do it again.

But you also made a little mistake by saying OK when you really wanted to say No. Then you wished you hadn't. We all make mistakes, then we should try not to make the same mistake again. So next time someone wants you to give in, and you really don;t want to; just say no.

I agree it was handled badly.
But insisting on an apology is such a naff and pointless route to go down with this. Who is this really for? You or your daughter? You sound bored.

The school sounds shocking... slapping on a play and offering lead role to one then ripping it away from them! I'd be fuming, and quite possibly looking for a new school. I question theor morals.

Because that's a really naff way of doing it!

@BeanieTeen

Being a voice for your child is nothing to do with boredom. What an odd post.

I fully agree with you and regardless of outcome, yes - he should apologise.

You can’t go through life screwing people over willy nilly for the sake of convenience and expect no consequences. Teach him a lesson he obviously wasn’t taught growing up.

They took away the main female role and made her one of a dozen angels because someone else had a costume? Spectacularly poor judgment.

I kind of understand why you don’t want the school to switch back but I’d be tempted to let the teachers know it’s caused disappointment.

I would actually speak to the head and find out why Mary is slapping anyone. Are we normalising assault now? Even if it's 'comedic' it's not acceptable to imply we can go around slapping anyone. And what the hell is a Mary costume anyway that someone should be in possesion of one? A pillowcase and a tea towel?

@MissMaple82 if you are trying to find roles for at least 60 children it’s quite clever to split roles

The angel said to her, 'Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favour with God. And now, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you will name him...
Whack
And the virgin slapped the angel and with a loud voice asserted..
Not without my consent
Whack
And the virgin did slap the angel harder on the other che