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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect the teacher to apologise to my dd?

260 replies

buckeejit · 04/12/2022 10:06

Dd is 9 & was delighted to come home last week & tell us she was Mary in the school play. She was getting to slap someone in the play. How exciting.

She's been diagnosed with a chronic illness this year and not remotely sporty so not used to winning things normally.

She then came home a few days later quite down & spent some time in her room. She's quite sensitive & wouldn't say what was wrong. Later she came down & said now she wasn't Mary she was an angel instead.

Apparently, someone in the other class said they had a Mary costume so the other teacher said that girl could be Mary. DD's teacher asked dd if that was ok & said she didn't have to be an angel, but dd said 'ok, that's fine' as she thinks she has to be kind & isn't one to make a fuss.

I complained to DD's teacher, (she's a NQT covering for this year & I imagine finding this year quite full on). I said dd should never have been put in that position to decide & it wasn't fair. Queried if I had missed part of the story. She replied that she agreed with everything I'd said & the other teacher overruled her & pushed on with giving Mary to the other girl in his class. I asked her to pass my comments on to him & she said she would as she was also annoyed about it. DD's teacher was supposed to in charge of the drama & other teacher was in charge of singing. Other teacher is really nice & much loved by the pupils. I'm surprised at this.

I understand people make mistakes & see this as a bad decision. I think other teacher owes my dd an apology. I'm hoping he realises this himself & speaks to her this week. If not, am I unreasonable to speak to him & request that he does so? I think it's very important to show dc that we are accountable for our mistakes & that adults should apologise when thy make an error? What would you do?

OP posts:
fUNNYfACE36 · 04/12/2022 10:36

2 things
1 your dd agreed to it
2 they are directing the play not you

Fallulah · 04/12/2022 10:39

Why is the other teacher telling you all this stuff about how the other teacher over rules her etc? They need to keep their internal politics to themselves!

If it‘s a traditional nativity, Mary is a rubbish role - she doesn’t really speak and just sits for most of the play.

If your daughter is assertive enough to be excited about slapping someone (?!) she could have said that actually she did mind having the part taken off her?

NoSquirrels · 04/12/2022 10:42

Did you really mean that Mary slaps someone in the primary school Nativity? It’s not a typo? Confused

Flitter123 · 04/12/2022 10:43

Tbh it sounds like the other teacher has favourites. He’ll be very popular because he’ll do lots of nice things for the confident outgoing kids. I would definitely go to the headteacher because this is probably the tip of the iceberg. This used to be very common, although these days much less because teachers are held more accountable. There’s literally no good reason to take a part away from one child and give it to another.

Original poster
buckeejit · 04/12/2022 10:47

She's one of about 12 angels now, not the angel. Definitely don't want them to give her back the role & disappoint the other girl.

It's not a big production, don't know the details of the slap but it's a bit of a comedy sketch thing. Obviously it would be a staged slap but dd thought it would be funny. She likes the idea of drama but she isn't assertive.

Teacher being NQT is not really much to do with it but I would have imagined the situation happening easier due to someone with less experience & I didn't want to pile more pressure on her with complaining.

Dd is sort of ok with it now & didn't want me to say anything to the teacher about it. I do think like @WestendVBroadway experience though, it's something that will stick in her memory!

My sense of justice thinks an acknowledgement that it shouldn't have happened would help dd know that it wasn't her fault in any way.

OP posts:
redbigbananafeet · 04/12/2022 10:49

I'd suggest that the other teacher either hadn't realised the role had already been cast or he didn't realise the significance of this to a child which is rather disappointing in an infant teacher. I would suggest contacting the school (about the NQT head) and speak to the PT or DH. Say that you understand that there are now two little girls who have been lead to believe they are Mary and neither should be disappointed. If the show is short and preformed at more that one sitting then they get to do one performance each or if not then one does that first half and the other the second. But in either situation your daughter will be in stage performing as Mary.

crochetmonkey74 · 04/12/2022 10:50

I can understand she is upset but likely this is just a small decision by teacher (one of a hundred each day)
Absolutely no to the teacher being 'made to apologise' to a 9 year old
We are not puppets for parents

DarkKarmaIlama · 04/12/2022 10:50

OP send a briefing email just explaining you are disappointed with the decision and your DD has been upset over it. Make sure you CC the two teacher and the head.

Vitriolinsanity · 04/12/2022 10:50

I must know why Mary gets to slap someone, because I sure as hell wouldn't give up that role!

If it is the solo word speaking, star pointing Angel part, rather than a host where she's 5th Angel I'd have that anyway.

I'm still bitter is was a Christmas tree in a line of 6 in Infant School despite having mandatory Mary hair.

RedHelenB · 04/12/2022 10:52

redbigbananafeet · 04/12/2022 10:49

I'd suggest that the other teacher either hadn't realised the role had already been cast or he didn't realise the significance of this to a child which is rather disappointing in an infant teacher. I would suggest contacting the school (about the NQT head) and speak to the PT or DH. Say that you understand that there are now two little girls who have been lead to believe they are Mary and neither should be disappointed. If the show is short and preformed at more that one sitting then they get to do one performance each or if not then one does that first half and the other the second. But in either situation your daughter will be in stage performing as Mary.

They're not in infants they're 9 years old. Best to do like on Nativity amd have loads of Marys.

Oooooooooooooh · 04/12/2022 10:53

Oh give over @crochetmonkey74 an apology would go along way , or are teachers above common decency?
I'll always apologise to students if I feel I've made a mistake

Coralpop · 04/12/2022 10:54

GracieLouFreeebush · 04/12/2022 10:31

We would usually split a big role like that when I was at school. A girl from class A would be mary for the first half and class B for the second, why can’t they do that?

It's not a big role though, it's a rubbish one with nothing to say. Usually given to a shy girl who wouldn't remember any lines.

Narrator is where it's at!

Treaclemine · 04/12/2022 10:54

I'm probably putting too much thought into this, but why has the other girl got a Mary costume, why didn't she mention it before, and what has her mother got to do with this? She's been Mary before somewhere, hasn't she? Or if not, when did this costume appear? DD has been stitched up. There are girls who believe that being Mary is their right, every year.
This should not have happened. A pity the other girl did not see that it was unfair to deprive DD of an already given part. And DD should not be relegated to a bog standard angel, she should be a bigged up angel - if Gabriel's annunciation is already given, tell the shepherds. With LED lights on her wings and halo.

WilsonMilson · 04/12/2022 10:56

Speak to the teacher, but don’t make this a big deal to your daughter as it will only magnify the issue in her own mind.

I would start saying how delighted you are she is an angel and what a fantastic role that is, that you cannot wait to see her, and what a lovely costume you will make etc etc. I think that’s likely to help more than getting annoyed she isn’t Mary.
Also intrigued to know who Mary gets to slap!!

CarefreeMe · 04/12/2022 10:59

You’re making this a bigger deal than it needs to be.

If your DD wants to be Mary then you can mention this or even ask her new teacher that she has a bigger role next year due to this years mishap.

It sounds like it was a discussion about who wants to do what.
And the teacher was thinking from a parents financial POV.

DD already said no to being Mary (which I can see why she didn’t want to make a fuss) so I don’t think he needs to apologise and if you ask for a apology there’s every chance that he’ll make her Mary.

So it depends if she actually wants to be Mary this year as if not it just seems silly to keep it dragging on.

dooneyousmugelf · 04/12/2022 11:01

I thought 'slap' was a typo!
I wouldn't expect a teacher to apologise, no. But they do need to know they can't just go around breaking kids' hearts for such a flimsy, stupid reason. It's a shit reason. I'd point out the unfairness. By the same logic all the poor kids would automatically have to sit and just join in with singing while the more privileged ones would get named roles based on whose parents can afford costumes, not capability or desire to take part!

DunkingMyDonuts · 04/12/2022 11:01

Funny how it was "a few days later" that the other girl said she had a Mary costume... someone's mum had been busy hunting one down no doubt

frenchie4002 · 04/12/2022 11:01

Sounds like the situation was not handled brilliantly by both teachers in the first instance but your dd has received an apology from one already by the sound of it so I’d move on. Like pps have said, focus on positivity and creating a beautiful costume

RhubarbStrawberry · 04/12/2022 11:03

I agree with you that's rubbish op. The other parent must be feeling chuffed that buying their child a Mary costume got them the role they wanted.

KatMcBundleFace · 04/12/2022 11:03

WestendVBroadway · 04/12/2022 10:28

I am seething for your DD. (This next bit may be completely outing as I have told this tale many times) This reminds me of when I was in primary school and was given the role of the Angel Gabriel, I was the only Angel with a speaking part. We had to make costumes out of old sheets. One girl got her mum to accessorise her outfit with gold tinsel on the neck and cuffs. I was then informed that this girl would have to be The Angel Gabriel as her costume stood out from the others. I am still bitter about this over 40 years later.😇😇😇

Offt brutal

IAmTi · 04/12/2022 11:04

Unfortunately in life people make shitty unfair decisions that affect us. This is a good opportunity to teach your daughter about the shit she might face in life.

Make her angel costume amazing. Paint her nails. Make it fun. Reassure her she can practice fake slapping you?

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 04/12/2022 11:05

Definitely don't want them to give her back the role & disappoint the other girl

There's your problem; you want to be nice, don't want to upset others, don't want to make a fuss. Your DD is "sort" of ok with it Hmm and doesn't want to make a fuss either.

In the nicest possible way, if you want your daughter to stick up for herself (and yes, she should never have been put in that position) you lead by example.

If my DD had a main role she was excited about taken off her like that and put into a group role she "sort of" was ok with (so resigned herself to) I wouldn't care who I pissed off, I'd be kicking up major fuss until she got it back. May seem trivial to some, but it's not about a school play, it's about fairness and showing DD that she matters, her needs matter.

I get really annoyed about girls being conditioned into compliance and kindness like this, learning to put themselves last.

User135792468 · 04/12/2022 11:05

That’s awful and I feel sorry for your dd. It’s not fair at all. I would say to the teacher that please can they speak to dd as she’s really upset by it all. You can’t instruct an adult to apologise to your child though. You can hope that they do the right thing. I am a teacher and I would apologise to the child (I agree that it’s important that they see that adults make mistakes too) but that would come out naturally during the conversation. If I parent told me I must apologise to their child, it would really rub me up the wrong way.

PerpetualStudent · 04/12/2022 11:06

Your poor DD! I had a similar experience in primary school (except the part of Mary was taken away from me because I was ‘too quiet’ - I was a shy little thing, but I had also made an informed acting decision that the mother of Christ wasn’t exactly a gobby cow!)
I’d deffo follow it up with the school, but in the meantime you can tell your DD I went on to get a PhD in theatre, so us Mary cast offs are a high-achieving bunch! #solidarity :D

Norfolkungood · 04/12/2022 11:07

Treaclemine · 04/12/2022 10:54

I'm probably putting too much thought into this, but why has the other girl got a Mary costume, why didn't she mention it before, and what has her mother got to do with this? She's been Mary before somewhere, hasn't she? Or if not, when did this costume appear? DD has been stitched up. There are girls who believe that being Mary is their right, every year.
This should not have happened. A pity the other girl did not see that it was unfair to deprive DD of an already given part. And DD should not be relegated to a bog standard angel, she should be a bigged up angel - if Gabriel's annunciation is already given, tell the shepherds. With LED lights on her wings and halo.

I thought exactly the same as you regarding the other girl having a Mary costume! The other girl certainly wasn't holding back when it came to speaking up for herself! For me the issue wouldn't be that your DD isn't Mary OP it's the fact she was given the role and had it taken away.