To expect the teacher to apologise to my dd?

[buckeejit]

Dd is 9 & was delighted to come home last week & tell us she was Mary in the school play. She was getting to slap someone in the play. How exciting.

She's been diagnosed with a chronic illness this year and not remotely sporty so not used to winning things normally.

She then came home a few days later quite down & spent some time in her room. She's quite sensitive & wouldn't say what was wrong. Later she came down & said now she wasn't Mary she was an angel instead.

Apparently, someone in the other class said they had a Mary costume so the other teacher said that girl could be Mary. DD's teacher asked dd if that was ok & said she didn't have to be an angel, but dd said 'ok, that's fine' as she thinks she has to be kind & isn't one to make a fuss.

I complained to DD's teacher, (she's a NQT covering for this year & I imagine finding this year quite full on). I said dd should never have been put in that position to decide & it wasn't fair. Queried if I had missed part of the story. She replied that she agreed with everything I'd said & the other teacher overruled her & pushed on with giving Mary to the other girl in his class. I asked her to pass my comments on to him & she said she would as she was also annoyed about it. DD's teacher was supposed to in charge of the drama & other teacher was in charge of singing. Other teacher is really nice & much loved by the pupils. I'm surprised at this.

I understand people make mistakes & see this as a bad decision. I think other teacher owes my dd an apology. I'm hoping he realises this himself & speaks to her this week. If not, am I unreasonable to speak to him & request that he does so? I think it's very important to show dc that we are accountable for our mistakes & that adults should apologise when thy make an error? What would you do?

I hadn't thought of this but you're absolutely right. The feelings of Mary2 shouldn't be shown to Mary1 as being more important. I'm starting wonder why Mary2 just so happened to have a Mary costume and be astute enough to mention it ....

The other teacher shouldn't have changed the plan, and the NQT should have stood up for your daughter.

I would write to the school saying you're terribly confused as your daughter is now saying she's an angel and surely that's a mistake, as she was cast as Mary? You have already bought a lovely Mary costume. You are sure this is all a mistake and no doubt they can confirm she is playing Mary.

The OP spoke to a teacher who agreed with everything she said so she clearly had the part previously.

Mary isn't the lead part in the birth of her son? Ok.

Similar happened to my son. He (and I) were so upset. He's almost 14 and still indignant about it! They'll never forget. YANBU.

Mary isn’t a “lead part” though

I have no idea why so many people are saying this. Clearly Mary is the most coveted part - I can only imagine those saying otherwise were told this by their parents and actually believed it!

My mum just said "Look, someone has to be a shepherd/narrator/wise man".

May e I am grasping at (stable) straws here - but could the slap be on the donkey’s bottom because it refuses to move? So it is more of the sort of firm pat you do on a horse’s rump to get it moving than one person slapping another? It does sound rather dodgy, though.

I do remember the Honoured Guest at one of my dses’s nativity plays commenting on the dancers who danced for King Herod, and saying he’d like them to come to his house and dance for him! I don’t know if he was genuinely too dense to realise how awful it sounded, wanting primary school age dancing girls to dance in private for him, or if he was a bit of a perve. I don’t remember seeing him at any other school productions, though.

I think many people covet the role of Mary and then realise it is a bit shit when you follow Joseph around, have no lines and then sit on the side of stage trying to be interested in a plastic doll

The role of Mary is not a lead part in a Primary School Nativity Play. Never has been. Never will be. The donkey is usually the more main role. At least donkey, usually, has a few words to say.

You may need to find out the exact circumstances of what happened here and the reason for the teachers change of heart. Personally, I don’t think it’s about a costume. Mary’s costume is, typically, a blue garment or piece of material, and a piece of tinsel or blue tea towel over her head.

As a Primary School Teacher I will say that Mary and Joseph are always given to the more shy children in the class. These parts do not require excellent vocabulary or acting/singing skills.

Every child in a class has a part to play. The part they are chosen for - or choose to take - is very much dependent on the child’s personality. No part, in a school production, is a minor part. Everyone is equal.

The children are a joy to work with and always give their best. Parents are a very different kettle of fish. Every parent thinks their child should be the star of the show and woe betide any teacher who doesn’t choose their child to be star singer/dancer/actor/narrator.

I bet the teacher and the head of the PTA got together to deliberately upset the kids
An apology is not good enough. Storm into the office and drag them both out onto the playground for a fight. Don't forget to call the local paper and look sad on the front.

The virgin Mary actually slaps somebody?! Are they accidentally putting on Monty Python and the Life of Brian or something?

I agree.

This. The other girl and her parents didn't care your DD already had the part and it looks like they've went out and looked for one to take the part from your DD (even if they did have a Mary costume at home, they could have said the girl who got the actual part could use it) who does that?

At my kids primary school, the role of Mary is a short role with no lines. Not a main role at all and given to a shy girl. The confident star of the show with more acting and lines is the Angel Gabriel role. Obviously, every school is different, she might have the better role BUT that's not the point. She was given Mary and was happy and then it got taken away for a stupid reason (not her fault) and now she is sad. I think she should have an apology.

So, you only apologise for upsetting children if you do it intentionally? Is that what you do with adults too? "Yes, I know I've messed up hugely/caused extra work for colleagues/slept in for an important meeting but it wasn't INTENTIONAL so I'm not apologising - get over it'.

@pairofrollerskates I'm certainly not adding to my DD's upset. It's not like she's going to read this thread! I've told her she shouldn't have been put in that position, the other teacher made a bad decision & it wasn't fair to her but she'll be a beautiful angel. I'm not demanding that's she's reinstated to Mary & about to try to make a bloody halo for her now.

It's the other teacher I'm annoyed about now. I know DD's teacher feels bad about it. She was kind enough to send an honest response & said she was annoyed & I said I appreciated it, having previously confirmed to her that dd loves her as a teacher.

In 14 years of my dc schooling so far I haven't previously had enough reason to complain about a teacher.

I don't imagine there was any malice in other Mary, I would suspect she said 'I already have a homemade Mary costume' & other teacher said 'ok then you can be Mary'. Despite this incident it's generally a quiet rub along ok school, although maybe there are some parents desperate for their dc to have the limelight, I don't know!

NQT confirmed she pushed for my dd to keep the part but was overruled.

Will update when I see the play what the slap is about & if it's necessary for everyone to write to the head & make formal complaints!

I would suspect she said 'I already have a homemade Mary costume' & other teacher said 'ok then you can be Mary'. This would never happen in a million years

You're right. That's exactly what I've said

Chat with your daughter, ask her what role she really wants. If Mary push back and let the adult teachers relay to the other child there's been a mistake. This is her opportunity to be selected, this is a big deal. My DC always gets picked for sport and it bothers me when they also get picked for other non sport events. Schools should share it out across the class.

I expect both teachers offered the part of Mary to a pupil in their class and then realised the duplication.

Obviously, it is a mistake and I'm sure they felt awful about it. Not many teachers enjoy making children sad.

Maybe the other child came out on top because she had already sent a costume in or maybe that was an excuse to spare your child's feelings.

But I am interested in the apology you feel she is owed. Surely the situation was explained to her in a kind way, what more is required?

"NQT confirmed she pushed for my dd to keep the part but was overruled."

This is unprofessional.

@donttellmehesalive the situation was explained to her as the other girl had a Mary costume & did she mind. What more I think is required is the acknowledgment that dd was put in a difficult position & in hindsight that wasn't fair. Same as being wronged as an adult, an acknowledgment of that goes a long way. Do you think she isn't owed an apology?

Prior to this some other children came up to dd & said 'other girl is Mary. Dd said 'but she can't be, I'm Mary'. After this she was asked if she minded etc

I think I need to speak to other teacher & see what he says.

Sorry, you said they should fight in the playground and put on sad faces for rag news papers.

I read between the lines and assumed that you would likely apologise to adults but not for upsetting children. My apologies.